Friends who care...

[Ayrahb]

Originally Posted by suegate

It's not uncommon, but why can't it ever work?

Probably because it makes absolutely no sense for two people who are that into each other not to be together.

I generally subscribe to Chris Rock's view of the whole thing:

"Now Women LOVE platonic friends, you know why?
it's like having a di*k in a jar, break glass in case of emergency!"

"men don't have platonic friends, they just have women they haven't f****d yet, well maybe some by accident ... every platonic friend they got is women they were trying to f***, made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the friend zone"

Originally Posted by suegate

Any suggestions??

One of you quits the job? I did that five years ago and we are still together.

[enthused]

Originally Posted by suegate

Work together, can't happen...big trouble.

Are either of you in a position of authority? Would anything happening between you guys compromise either of your jobs?

Just curious cause I am sort of in the same position, but it is working out so far, because we keep our private life and work life seperate (or as much as possible I guess). Anyways hope it works out for you... its a crappy situation!

[Muta]

Originally Posted by enthused

Just curious cause I am sort of in the same position, but it is working out so far, because we keep our private life and work life seperate (or as much as possible I guess). Anyways hope it works out for you... its a crappy situation!

I was in that situation..... and I made it work. With a couple girls over a several years, at the same workplace, no less.

Just keep it private, and under any circumstances, do not bring it to work. It's that simple. If you can follow this rule, you're gold. To some, it might be easier said than done; but you don't know until you try.

Either that, or one of you gets canned / leaves work. And if you don't want to leave, get the other one canned for the good of the relationship. Well, expain that to them afterwards. Then they'll realize you did it out of love.

[zukes]

I met a girl at work when I was dating another chick. After a month of flirting I asked her on a date and she accepted knowing full well, I wa sin a failry serious relationship for the past 18 months. Anyway on the Wednesday before the Friday I was supposed to go out with this new girl I went to a movie with the girl that I was with. I forget why, but she was pissing me off all night and then she brought up some insignificant point in the movie and how it made her feel that she loved me even more. I snapped and dumped her ass on the spot.

Now she had been annoying me for quite a while, pretty much the last 6 months so we probably would have broken up anyway, but the impending date on Friday was part of the reason, at least sub-consciously anyway. I'm not the type to cheat on anyone, did it once and it hurt, been cheated on once and it hurt, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity.

Turns out I was right since that date never really ended. We went to a movie, played pool, went back to my place and watched 2 movies and stayed up all night talking, had sex and now we are married and have had our first kid. This happened 5 and a half years ago. We have been married for just over 2 years now.

[Buff]

I was in the situation of being good friends with a girl with whom I wanted more. We were friends for many years before I felt other feelings for her and we remained good friends for a couple of years. I told a couple of friends my predicament and made it known that I would've rather been friends for life than take the next step and wind up breaking up and being unable to remain friends. One of them spilled the beans and we (me and this girl) stopped hanging out over time. We'll still strike up a good chat when we run into each other, but we don't make it a point to contact one another.

Anyways I never found out her true feelings on the issue, and I don't care to now. However either we stopped being good friends because she was either freaked out by me wanting more, or she wanted more and decided why waste her time on my if I wasn't going to persue more.

At any rate I lost a good friend because I didn't take a chance. A chance I was scared to make because I didn't want to lose a good friend. I say go for it.

[suegate]

Originally Posted by enthused

Are either of you in a position of authority? Would anything happening between you guys compromise either of your jobs?

Just curious cause I am sort of in the same position, but it is working out so far, because we keep our private life and work life seperate (or as much as possible I guess). Anyways hope it works out for you... its a crappy situation!

No, neither of us are in positions of authority that relate to the other person. We will be able to keep things professional at work for sure, but it is close enough workplace that it might be hard to hide. I'm glad it's working for you for now, who knows what comes out of it! There are some on this thread that it's worked great for, other's it has bombed for, it's good to have everyone writing about it, I love the new perspectives!!

[suegate]

Originally Posted by J pold

Well its mostly social conditioning most men don’t realize that women want sex just as much as men, problem is if women had sex all the time with everybody they have the consequence of being called a “slut” or a “whore” which is socially defeating men on the other hand get praised for having more sexual partners

Another social perception that is a little off base is that women are the ones who get attached after causal sex, and while this does happen men do this a lot too…I know a lot of girls who will be attracted to a guy on a very plutonic level want to have sex and nothing more, but it’s the guy who gets a needy afterwards

That is very true, no wonder most people agree that "friends with benefits" never really works...One person usually gets attached, espcially if the sex is good! This is not the case for me here because we're not having sex...unfortunately...yet. Like we were talking about last night, if it was just a matter of saying goodbye to a good lay, it wouldn't be so hard...it's giving up the rest of it that is harder.

[HelloHockeyFans]

Actually, from personal experience, I think it's possible. The key for me is to not dwell on the 'what ifs' with these girls. Don't sit there and dream about what it'd be like to go further with her or any of that. Control your thoughts and actions when you're together. Ruling out the possibility of becoming friends with a girl simply because she's hot is rather odd actually.

[BlackArcher101]

After sleeping on it... I'm going to say this. It's similar to what Buff said.

Take the chance. I seriously regret to this day not taking a chance earlier, and by the time my intentions were known it was too late. Going back, I would definetely try to go further than friends and make it known to her. Sadly, this is not an option anymore, but a lesson that I will know for next time.

If all else fails and he is not attached, you can always bring up the friends with benefits. But before starting anything, make sure you BOTH agree that once either of you have feelings for another, you bring it up and talk it over. Otherwise the problem will begin ballooning and now you have a bad situation that probably won't end well.

[enthused]

Originally Posted by suegate

No, neither of us are in positions of authority that relate to the other person. We will be able to keep things professional at work for sure, but it is close enough workplace that it might be hard to hide. I'm glad it's working for you for now, who knows what comes out of it! There are some on this thread that it's worked great for, other's it has bombed for, it's good to have everyone writing about it, I love the new perspectives!!

People know about my office relationship, because we're a relatively small company and news travels fast. However, I don't discuss it with anyone, and that definitely makes a big difference. If people ask me anything I don't really give them anything to talk about.

There are definitely ways to make it work, you just have to be careful, and mature about it.

[J pold]

Originally Posted by suegate

Like we were talking about last night, if it was just a matter of saying goodbye to a good lay, it wouldn't be so hard...it's giving up the rest of it that is harder.

If more girls thought like you, I would have a lot more sex and a lot less drama in my life

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by BlackArcher101

Take the chance. I seriously regret to this day not taking a chance earlier, and by the time my intentions were known it was too late. Going back, I would definetely try to go further than friends and make it known to her. Sadly, this is not an option anymore, but a lesson that I will know for next time.

Tell me about it. It took me ten years and thinking I would be moving to Calgary anyway to tell one of my friends that I had serious feelings for her after she just got out of a 6 year marriage. She's not ruling out us ever starting something and said that she wishes I would have told her alot sooner because I would have been a way better boyfriend than some of the guys she has dated but right now is a bad time because she's barely at home because she's in a busy time of the season at her accounting job and she's still a bit soured with relationships after getting out of a marriage she should have never got into in the first place.

Like you I seriously regret to this day not telling her. I'm not going to say that she's 'the one' because I really cant say that until we actually did date but I've never met a girl that I thought blew her away. I wasnt deliberately comparing every girl to her but I think subconsciously I was. After she had her daughter four years ago I tried making myself think I was over her but it would come out sometimes when I would go out drinking with my buddy and see a girl we went to school with. Up until a few months ago we only saw each other maybe twice in those four years so there was no constant reminder for me so it was easier to hide.

But it all came back about a month after we started keeping in contact again when she told me she had a date that I know now wasnt serious but she didnt want to hurt the guys feelings so she agreed. I got that same kicked in the gut feeling that I got in grade 11 when I found out she had a boyfriend right when my confidence was high and I was days away from telling her. Unfortunately for me that confidence never came back.

I still hope that eventually I can have my chance with her and that not hounding her to give me a chance will lead to good karma but I'm not holding my breath. Chances are that even if she does decide that she wants to date again that it'll be some other guy who is the lucky one. I'm trying to finally move on but it's not like a switch you can turn off.

[suegate]

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

Actually, from personal experience, I think it's possible. The key for me is to not dwell on the 'what ifs' with these girls. Don't sit there and dream about what it'd be like to go further with her or any of that. Control your thoughts and actions when you're together. Ruling out the possibility of becoming friends with a girl simply because she's hot is rather odd actually.

You're right, it is possible, and it's what we've decided to do...

[suegate]

Originally Posted by Inferno

Tell me about it. It took me ten years and thinking I would be moving to Calgary anyway to tell one of my friends that I had serious feelings for her after she just got out of a 6 year marriage. She's not ruling out us ever starting something and said that she wishes I would have told her alot sooner because I would have been a way better boyfriend than some of the guys she has dated but right now is a bad time because she's barely at home because she's in a busy time of the season at her accounting job and she's still a bit soured with relationships after getting out of a marriage she should have never got into in the first place.

Like you I seriously regret to this day not telling her. I'm not going to say that she's 'the one' because I really cant say that until we actually did date but I've never met a girl that I thought blew her away. I wasnt deliberately comparing every girl to her but I think subconsciously I was. After she had her daughter four years ago I tried making myself think I was over her but it would come out sometimes when I would go out drinking with my buddy and see a girl we went to school with. Up until a few months ago we only saw each other maybe twice in those four years so there was no constant reminder for me so it was easier to hide.

But it all came back about a month after we started keeping in contact again when she told me she had a date that I know now wasnt serious but she didnt want to hurt the guys feelings so she agreed. I got that same kicked in the gut feeling that I got in grade 11 when I found out she had a boyfriend right when my confidence was high and I was days away from telling her. Unfortunately for me that confidence never came back.

I still hope that eventually I can have my chance with her and that not hounding her to give me a chance will lead to good karma but I'm not holding my breath. Chances are that even if she does decide that she wants to date again that it'll be some other guy who is the lucky one. I'm trying to finally move on but it's not like a switch you can turn off.

It's not a switch to turn off, but there are always times when it seems like hitting the dimmer switch is the way to go. Hindsight is always 20/20, I do truly hope that you both get the chance to see what could be one day, and just remember that "one day" is not a specific term, so if you can be okay with "one day" being tomorrow, next month, next year or five years from now, than that has to be good enough. I do think that the raw feelings that you describe when she tells you about something as simple a her going on a date and your reaction is so authentic, for lack of a better term, and that it probably means that there is something to the fact that it's been so long...so hold on!!

[suegate]

Originally Posted by J pold

If more girls thought like you, I would have a lot more sex and a lot less drama in my life

Hehe...there couldn't be anything wrong with that, perhaps you need to start looking in other places?? There could never be anything wrong with more sex...

[Tron_fdc]

Just get drunk and sleep with him. You're going to wind up not talking at some point anyway, so you might as well get some enjoyment out of it.

[Ford Prefect]

I've been friends with a girl like that for about 40 years now. It was a bit confusing during the hormone years, but before and after that it has been very unique and rewarding.

If the sex thing gets in the way, just do it. No-strings-attached sex between friends works as long as you're both clear about the parameters up front.

[JiriHrdina]

Originally Posted by Ford Prefect

I've been friends with a girl like that for about 40 years now. It was a bit confusing during the hormone years, but before and after that it has been very unique and rewarding.

40 years? Damn I always thought you were young for some reason. You is old.

[Ford Prefect]

Originally Posted by JiriHrdina

40 years? Damn I always thought you were young for some reason. You is old.

Old is only a state of mind.

Forty years in this case goes back to grade one, so I may not be quite as old as your math might have suggested.

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by suegate

I do think that the raw feelings that you describe when she tells you about something as simple a her going on a date and your reaction is so authentic, for lack of a better term, and that it probably means that there is something to the fact that it's been so long...so hold on!!

There's other things too that tell me that there's something more to it.

When she told me she was pregnant I was pretty wrecked and figured that even if she did get a divorce that I would never be able to handle having a relationship with her having a kid unless I had one of my own. Now I know that what my cousin who was after a woman with three boys said was right. It means nothing if you really like the person and want something with them. And the father is still in her daughter's life so if we ever did start something then we would have every second week to ourselves.

She's also always been a smoker and normally I would find that a turnoff but it never mattered with her. And she now has a tattoo covering most of her back and normally I would find that unattractive but after seeing pictures of it on her it's sexy.