Hitting another low point

[Russic]

Originally Posted by V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan

I hate that I have struggles with finding motivation to keep living in this world every day.

I’ve stopped feeling motivated to get out of bed.

I’ve stopped giving a crap about my future with the whole pharmacy thing.

Probably because I throughly despise studying and taking all these dumb tests and exams that cost too much money.

It’s frustrating that I have to continue this vicious cycle of impressing everyone (my increasingly insufferable parents, my tutors, etc.)

Mental health is ruining me and everything around me.
I’ve asked my uncle (a doctor) to write up requisitions for psychiatrists to prescribe me antidepressants but no response.

My life keeps circling the drains and all I’m doing is delaying my inevitable downfall…

FYI for context a few minutes before I made this post, I got into another argument with my mom regarding my motivation to improve in time for PEBC exam this May. She accused me of abusing the long weekend for breaks when I should be grinding to study constantly. She even victim-shamed acting like I’m using my mental health problems as an excuse to slack off. I’m starting to think I’m just a parasite to this world and that people would be more happy if I’m not around…

This is going to be one of those "easy to say, very hard to act on" statements... but you don't need to impress anybody, and there is a lifetime of satisfaction on the other side of that statement. Getting there is no simple task and I'm not saying a basic reframe is all you need, but maybe just admitting that this isn't true might be a doable first step.

My apologies if this has already been asked, but how old are you? Is getting away from your parents a feasible option here? She sounds like a boat anchor you don't realize is welded around your neck.

You say things like it's hard to find motivation to keep going, getting out of bed, or finding anything in your career aspirations. To that I would ask: how could anyone find any of those things if they're experiencing constant stress and shame? You're trying to light a fire in a downpour and blaming yourself for it not working.

So the simple/extremely hard solution here seems to be you need to get away from your mother. Whether that's in the cards or not I don't know. The trajectory with her in your life is potentially fatal, so I don't see how any other option isn't better.

[Paulie Walnuts]

I don't know what area you live in, but I am in Chestermere and we have this at our AHS community center.

https://www.albertahealthservices.ca...8#contentStart

Sorry I should have provided more details in my previous post, but they provide urgent mental health care for walk ins, but times do vary. Not sure if this is an option, or if you can drive if you are not hearing back from anyone try this. They can also do phone calls or virtual appointments.

[CroFlames]

Originally Posted by Russic

This is going to be one of those "easy to say, very hard to act on" statements... but you don't need to impress anybody, and there is a lifetime of satisfaction on the other side of that statement. Getting there is no simple task and I'm not saying a basic reframe is all you need, but maybe just admitting that this isn't true might be a doable first step.

My apologies if this has already been asked, but how old are you? Is getting away from your parents a feasible option here? She sounds like a boat anchor you don't realize is welded around your neck.

You say things like it's hard to find motivation to keep going, getting out of bed, or finding anything in your career aspirations. To that I would ask: how could anyone find any of those things if they're experiencing constant stress and shame? You're trying to light a fire in a downpour and blaming yourself for it not working.

So the simple/extremely hard solution here seems to be you need to get away from your mother. Whether that's in the cards or not I don't know. The trajectory with her in your life is potentially fatal, so I don't see how any other option isn't better.

If there's anyone who knows the answers to the questions of life, it's this guy. Listen to Russic.

He punched a wolf once because it gave him the side eye.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

If there's anyone who knows the answers to the questions of life, it's this guy. Listen to Russic.

He punched a wolf once because it gave him the side eye.

Technically I made several terrible decisions and endangered an entire family with my ill-preparedness, so the opposite could be argued.

I certainly don't have many answers to life, but I did wrestle with sleep-crushing panic attacks for about a year (much worse than the wolf!), so I am partly able to report when it feels like things will never change, they sometimes do.

[fotze2]

Originally Posted by Russic

Technically I made several terrible decisions and endangered an entire family with my ill-preparedness, so the opposite could be argued.

I certainly don't have many answers to life, but I did wrestle with sleep-crushing panic attacks for about a year (much worse than the wolf!), so I am partly able to report when it feels like things will never change, they sometimes do.

That's so Russic. If I was asked who is the most solid awesome person on Calgarypuck, without hesitation it would be Russ. Not because he booted a wolfs little wolfballbag but because he is smart as fata and awesome. He is unreal at telling yourself to not beat yourself up. He's worth 20 psych sessions I swear. Whoever is his real life friend is a lucky fella.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by fotze2

That's so Russic. If I was asked who is the most solid awesome person on Calgarypuck, without hesitation it would be Russ. Not because he booted a wolfs little wolfballbag but because he is smart as fata and awesome. He is unreal at telling yourself to not beat yourself up. He's worth 20 psych sessions I swear. Whoever is his real life friend is a lucky fella.

Once I was playing an online game with Russic and I went out of my way to fk him over. He said something along the lines of "I hate you so much" and for some reason I loved the pureness of that.

[taxbuster]

I can't add anything of much value to any of you...but I'm in AWE at the solididty of this community in helping out someone that (I assume) none of us know other than from words on a page.


Brilliant CPers - when we're not arguing!


Vinny - I have one son not overly dissimilar to you and know that I would NEVER say to him what your parents have said to you...I can't even imagine that. So...hold your head high, lean on your pals, get whatever help you need and WALK YOUR OWN ROAD. You can do this!

[fotze2]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Once I was playing an online game with Russic and I went out of my way to fk him over. He said something along the lines of "I hate you so much" and for some reason I loved the pureness of that.

I got to play rocket league or whatever it’s called against him in person. I was terrible and he destroyed me. Doosh.

[kn]

I hope you are doing well. Your story sounds so similar to mine.

My mom is a toxic parent. She physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me growing up. Depression ensued. Addiction has been a constant problem in various forms that I'm still fighting. She wielded financial control.

I almost failed out of university. I engaged in self harm and ended up in the psych ward. Endless amount of counselling ensued. The loneliness was unbearable.

Even after leaving home and becoming financially independent, the verbal abuse continues. I somehow managed to graduate, become a "professional", get married and have a daughter. You wouldn't believe the number of times my mom has called my wife a whore. By most standards, I'm successful. I've been asked numerous times how I managed to become who I am despite the upbringing. I don't have an answer for that.

The point of all of the above is that you just have to keep struggling. Get free counselling if you cannot afford it. Find a way to leave the toxic environment. Set really tiny goals like getting out of bed and brushing your teeth. I know how hard it is to want to do anything but keep fighting.

PM if you ever want to talk.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by fotze2

That's so Russic. If I was asked who is the most solid awesome person on Calgarypuck, without hesitation it would be Russ. Not because he booted a wolfs little wolfballbag but because he is smart as fata and awesome. He is unreal at telling yourself to not beat yourself up. He's worth 20 psych sessions I swear. Whoever is his real life friend is a lucky fella.

I'm also comically uncomfortable with praise, so this is equal levels kind and a brilliant troll job.

I do happen to see the self-critic as a massive boss fight most of us don't realize we're fighting. If I trace any of my weaknesses back to the source, it's typically that I spent a few decades really not liking myself. If you can break that spell (I'm still working on it), you start to see it everywhere.

Which is partly why this thread is a real red-button for me. A cruel parent (intentional or not) is tough as they set up the scaffolding and start your story for you. If the story they start is of you, the hapless idiot, it's cutting you off at the knee before you even can get going. Once you realize the story was just that, and orchestrated by an author that was hurting themselves, things can get mighty interesting.

Originally Posted by Sliver

Once I was playing an online game with Russic and I went out of my way to fk him over. He said something along the lines of "I hate you so much" and for some reason I loved the pureness of that.

Haha, what game was it? Here I was thinking our only interaction was when I saw a clearly able-bodied guy rolling up to Brewsters in a motorized scooter and I thought "surely it can't be.... but then how can it not?".

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by Russic

Haha, what game was it? Here I was thinking our only interaction was when I saw a clearly able-bodied guy rolling up to Brewsters in a motorized scooter and I thought "surely it can't be.... but then how can it not?".

I can't believe I can't remember the name, but it was KTrain's game. That one where you'd have to sit in a single spot for a couple minutes to take that territory. You had just been to Kelowna or Vernon or something and had one guy at numerous zones all over the city. I went around and sat an extra minute and stole everything from you by having two guys in each zone all over the city.

I'm embarrassed it left a greater impression on me than you, but you were super annoyed at the time.

[Minnie]

Originally Posted by V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan

I’ve asked my uncle (a doctor) to write up requisitions for psychiatrists to prescribe me antidepressants but no response.

Is this uncle your mom's brother or your dad's? I think you should leave family out of this as much as you can, when it comes to seeing a psychiatrist - siblings to our parents often end up being used as "flying monkeys" whether they're aware of it or not. If your mom is aware that you've asked for his assistance, she may have spoken to him herself and told him to ignore the request. I'd go through my GP if possible.

FYI for context a few minutes before I made this post, I got into another argument with my mom regarding my motivation to improve in time for PEBC exam this May. She accused me of abusing the long weekend for breaks when I should be grinding to study constantly.

Your mom can pound sand. Breaks are vital to every part of this. You cannot pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes - breaks give you some time to "touch grass" as it were and that is necessary.


Your mom doesn't sound like she's scared, as someone mentioned, at least not in the traditional sense. What she's scared of, is losing control of you/over you. This is my mom too.

When I moved out at 18, 2 weeks after graduation, my mom lost her ####. I had to make all the arrangements in secret, because had my folks found out, I might not have survived that. As it was, when my friend came to pick me up, mom went absolutely ape (I'd chosen a day I knew my dad would be away from the house) and attacked me, physically - to the point that my friend had to get in between us and push my mom off. Kids are supposed to move out, it's not abnormal. But, she wouldn't have control over me anymore. She wouldn't have an outlet for her rage. The last time she physically attacked me, I was 30. I got attacked for having had the temerity of having an opinion of my own & then speaking to my husband on the phone, to work through what had just transpired, verbally (she was cruel/rude/ignorant). She came flying down the stairs while I was on the phone with him (the kids & I were visiting them, hubby was at home several hours away, because he was working) and started punching/slapping/pinching/kicking me, all whilst screaming her fool head off. I finally hauled off and let her have it back with as much force as I could muster - it was the only thing that got her off of me - it was the first and last time I ever touched her in that manner - and also the last time she ever laid a hand on me. I was a grown adult, a mother myself, with 3 kids but she felt entitled to my personhood. I was to be a carbon copy of her/my dad and I was not.

We have not spoken since 2011 because the abuse and toxicity became too much and I was not going to survive it. My youngest niece is getting married in 7 weeks and we cannot even go to the wedding, because my mom has informed anyone who will listen that she is going to attend just so she can "have it out with me and put this to bed, it's high time Minnie stops this nonsense and we get back to being a family." That was her response when she found out we were thinking of attending. We won't now, because I won't allow her to make my niece's wedding about her - it's not the time nor the place and frankly, there will never be a time or a place. My niece understands and is sad we can't come, but she is well aware of what her grandmother is like.

Your dad sounds pretty passive in all of this, for the most part. You mom is the aggressor. I know how hard all of this is, and you have a learning disability on top of it. Please, keep reaching out to get help with this. It's really really REALLY hard, I know it is, but don't let them tell you that you can't do this without them. You already WERE doing it without them - they didn't get the job, they didn't decide to test to further their career - YOU did that. It was hard, but you did it. You're so close to having your own life, please please please don't give up on that dream.

Try lists. Start small - write down 3 things you want to accomplish that day and work towards completing them. They don't have to be big dream items. Just as simple as "get up 20 minutes earlier today", "get the garbage collected this morning instead of tonight", "be sure the cat has food and water." Small, easily accomplished tasks. Maybe just do the 3 things for a couple of weeks. Then increase it to 4 things, and continue with 4 things for another couple of weeks - again, they don't have to be big things - hell, make one of them "live and breathe today" because even if that was all you did in a day, it's still an accomplishment and frankly, a big one. People like us, who have cPTSD (and you do), well, living and breathing through another day is a big deal because then we know we can do it and we will do it again tomorrow. Anyway, slowly increase the things you want to get done in a day - and make sure there's some fun stuff in there, things you enjoy or want to try to see if you enjoy them. I love sitting at the table early in the morning before everyone is up, in silence, having a cup of coffee and watching the wee birdies at my feeders. I also open the window and take some deep breaths, because I love that dewy smell of the world in the early morning - it reminds me that despite everything that my parents did to me, that they tried to do to me, I came out on top and I am still alive - I had 5 attempts because I didn't think the world needed me. I was wrong - I have an entire world who needs me. Those deep breaths in the early morning remind me every single time, that I walked through those fires and I MADE IT.

Journaling it like that gives you a chance to go back through and see your progress and what you accomplished, no matter how "small" it was and no matter how big it was. It's something to take pride in, because YOU MADE IT another day.

It's not much to offer, but I'm sending you a virtual hug. You can do this. Please do this. You ARE wanted, you ARE needed, you ARE important, and you ARE loved. You are.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Originally Posted by Sliver

I can't believe I can't remember the name, but it was KTrain's game. That one where you'd have to sit in a single spot for a couple minutes to take that territory. You had just been to Kelowna or Vernon or something and had one guy at numerous zones all over the city. I went around and sat an extra minute and stole everything from you by having two guys in each zone all over the city.

I'm embarrassed it left a greater impression on me than you, but you were super annoyed at the time.

OwnThisWorld, I played a little as well and it was super fun. Totally miss that game.