Hitting another low point

[V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan]

I was the one who made a post simply stating “I hate myself.”

This time around, I have people verbally saying the following phrases to me (it’s my parents; I have to confess that Ive been diagnosed with a developmental disorder that slows my progress to becoming independent unlike other neurotypical people):

“You’ve been a complete waste of our time, money and effort. You always are working a dead end job (I’m a pharmacy assistant btw). It’s not paying you enough money ($17/hour). What are you going to do with your life? Two years of grinding with your studies to become a licensed pharamacist only to come up as a failure. I can’t believe how much BS you put on us!”

These are the words my mom said to me. This all stemmed from an argument between me and her regarding how I should approach practicing for my oral test to become a pharmacist.

If my parents have become sick of my existence as a mentally slow (I could say the R-word but that ruins my already low self esteem) person, I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth continuing on in this world.

[Locke]

Dude...you're a Pharmacy assistant? Thats a pretty good job for anyone. What do they want?

Did you go and get some help? You can PM me any time you want but...I'd highly recommend talking to someone much better equipped than me unless you like really like bad jokes and dark humour.

I can recommend someone if you like.

I will not pretend to understand your head-space, but...parents or not, dont let anyone drag you down.

Many people fight a hard battle, perhaps you more than most. Let the words flow off of you like water off a Duck's back.

[dino7c]

Sounds like you are already doing well and working towards doing even better...unfortunately parents often don't know best. I know its hard but it might be wise to distance yourself from them if at all possible.

[DoubleK]

You can PM me whenever you want.

I am here to listen.

[DoubleF]

You're a pharmacist assistant. You're not being told this, but that's pretty good, regardless of how much time you've spent to reach that level. Keep pushing forward because accomplishing independence and self sufficiency will not be a problem if you've already accomplished that.

You're also aiming for pharmacist which will be a target that is far higher than what many others will accomplish themselves. As time goes on, you'll exceed the goals you've currently set for yourself.

I don't know the details of your situation, but I wonder if you feel that your self esteem is low, could a contributing factor be because you're attempting to peg it to someone else's self esteem that is also low? There's nothing wrong with wanting your parents approval, but pegging your self esteem to theirs may not work for the situation.

You might not know it, but there's always people rooting for you.

[Texas]

We don't get to choose our parents, and many of them say things that are hurtful - they are flawed people, just like we are. Deep down what your mom said probably comes from a place of fear - and as twisted as it may be, the fear probably comes from a place of worry and care. But that said, you absolutely deserve to hear more supportive words. It sucks. But we are not our parents, and be proud of who you are.

[GranteedEV]

I can't pretend to understand your situation, but as someone who was late-diagnosed with ADHD at the ripe age of 30, I can say that I'm pretty familiar with life not going according to plan.

So here's my story:

I still remember my ECS teacher telling my parents in an P/T interview that I was so (hyper-)focused on playing with toys and learning, that I didn't socialize. I didn't even understand why she would say that, and it wasn't even something I had picked up on. Even six year old me resented that kind of criticism without being able to process her intent.

Going forward to sixth grade, I remember my teacher keeping me and me alone in detention for having a disorganized desk. And yet I was constantly writing the best book reports and short stories in class (until I started being so perfectionist that it led to procrastination and my first foray into missed assignments)

Junior High school, I remember the genuine concern my math teach had for me; she believed I was intelligent but couldn't understand why I skipped all the homework she assigned. So many long conversations but I didn't know myself why homework was such a challenge.

High school, things got better because...

1) My mom had gotten a job that started early, and she would drop me off at school over an hour before classes. And I would do homework in the library.
2) There were astoundingly fewer map-coloring assignments in social studies, which improved my grades profoundly as I never used to hand those in
3) The grades for post-secondary entrance were skewed by diploma exam scores
4) high school, like ur high school and elementary school, was still just... easy. That might sound like a brag but we'll revisit this.

So I got early admission into UofC engineering. How convenient, a school right here at home, no need to live in a dorm or learn how to adult.

First year comes. We'll get to the academics later.
It was 2006. The Toronto Raptors were a poorly coached, undertalented team that were two years removed from trading their franchise player. They had just added a new GM. They had just won the #1 overall draft pick. Flames fans on CP might remember the 2015 Flames season as a bit of a comparable. A year where you cheer for a bad team that, against all odds, is hanging onto a playoff spot and every game is just stupidly fun for reasons that make zero sense.

It was... raw like cocaine straight out Bolovia for the ADHD mind.

That was my first year of University and I was skipping Chem 251 to watch basketball and I was obsessed with tracking minutia like different role players' true shooting percentages (which, in 2006, wasn't considered a mainstream statistic. Think corsi pre-2014 Avs as a hockey comparable).

Midterms hit.

I... failed my first exam. Ever in my life. It was linear algebra and I got 41% I believe. I had thought I could just learn two months of course content in 20 hours on the weekend, because of course I did. Primary school taught me that every academic concept is easy and doesn't require practice, hard work, dedication. These were concepts that were foreign to me outside the contexts of video games or sports. Academics? It was all about getting a can of NOS energy drink and pulling an all-nighter to learn the course content, and then pulling ahead of people that bizarrely worked hard for some reason I couldn't fathom.


####, first year was bad. Bad enough I got RTW'd and had to re-calibrate my approach to post-secondary.

No, I didn't make an immediate improvement. Even knowing that my effort in first year wasn't enough, wasn't enough to suddenly change the way my mind works. 2007 was the year I was hyperfocused on hanging out with friends, because for the first time ever, that suddenly mattered. For every step forward, there would be a step sideways. Shifting career goals "I wanna be a lawyer because I like the Ace Attorney games. Actually I just wanna be an engineer again.". Constantly awful prioritization.

2009-10 was the Brent Sutter year for the Flames. Oh and Final Fantasy XIII had this really complex battle system that took a lot of micromanaging. Where was the ability to prioritize school?

Anyways, eventually I completed post-secondary, but I now encountered an even tougher challenge than passing classes...

getting interviews.

Which requires cover letters and resumes.

That's a mind-numbing task for the average person.

But we'll revisit that too. So I had gotten fired from my weekend part time job unjustly. Skyway Wines and Liquor (At the YYC airport. Go ahead, try sue me for libel, GM John Thompson, I would love nothing more than to counter-sue you for this one) fired me for opening their store late based on CCTV time stamps. These idiots did not understand their own CCTV time stamps were not adjusted for daylight savings. No warning was given about this. Quite frankly I know they knew it was just an excuse to out someone who wasn't part of the newly hired store manager's inner circle. The GM claimed to be willing to look into it yet ghosted me. Atrocious situation and I never took legal action because it wasn't even something I was aware of.

Now back to the resume. Imagine having to put the above on it, while being full of resentment and anger.

Try being undiagnosed with ADHD and not knowing why you, who knows extremely well how to make not just a good resume, but an excellent resume, can't push through that simple, everyday task.

No therapy to tell you that the firing was a triggering event, and no-self awarenes to recognize that ADHD is inherently not just an attention regulation disorder, but a dopamine deficiency disorder. And tasks that cause negative emotions - whether due to tediousness, or strong negative emotions, are set aside for a quick dopamine hit.

So yeah, it took me way, way, wayyy longer to get my career on track.

finally getting a diagnosis helped a little. medication, therapy, self-awareness, and overall maturity.

Even now I feel way "behind", even knowing self-imposed timelines are just that. I bought a month ago, shoutout to MillerTimeGFG on the mortgage, but truthfully I feel I should have bought this condo a decade ago when I was too busy cheering on the Cardiac Kids through every meaningless, amazing comeback instead of prioritizing real life.

I'm not pretending to have any answers for you - you have the answers for you, and therapy can help you find them - but I am saying that life doesn't go as planned. Don't be hard on yourself. Be transparent, be self-aware, practice self-compassion, and break life into the small things.

"I am studying for this oral exam to get into Pharmacy School".

That sentence alone should be something you should say with pride! You've got a goal, and you're pursuing it with integrity. Maybe you have a toxic environment, maybe you have personal challenges, but as long as you feel safe, you can work towards making your situation better. If you don't feel safe, find a way to get out of that situation.

[GirlySports]

That's really mental abuse. How are you a failure? You are such a success and will be more successful as you achieve your goals. Think day by day... how to help the next customer, fill the next order. Occupy yourself.

You need to cut your mom off for awhile until things cool off. This is a domestic abuse.

Feel free to PM.

[BigThief]

Don't use the r word. Don't beat yourself up more than others try to. I'm on the spectrum as well (adhd too) and the latter was an extreme disservice to my adult development, always fighting against it. But you cannot beat yourself up and don't put stock into voices that drag you down. You've got a good respectful job and are continuing to work on yourself. No one should criticize you for that.

It's unfortunate the voice being so critical is a voice that is a strong bond but you need to be an ally to yourself not another defeatist. Eveyone else has mentioned mental health etc so I wanted to hit on that point.

[FlamingHomer]

Unless I'm interpreting this wrong, it seems that you don't have the problem, your parents do. You are doing everything right but they have certain expectations that they absolutely can't deviate from. As a parent, you have to be prepared for disappointments or at least changes in what your vision for your child should be in your mind.
It's truly unfortunate that you are suffering from other people's problems.

[troutman]

Will your parents attend counseling with you?

[Titan2]

Originally Posted by V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan

I was the one who made a post simply stating “I hate myself.”

This time around, I have people verbally saying the following phrases to me (it’s my parents; I have to confess that Ive been diagnosed with a developmental disorder that slows my progress to becoming independent unlike other neurotypical people):

“You’ve been a complete waste of our time, money and effort. You always are working a dead end job (I’m a pharmacy assistant btw). It’s not paying you enough money ($17/hour). What are you going to do with your life? Two years of grinding with your studies to become a licensed pharamacist only to come up as a failure. I can’t believe how much BS you put on us!”

These are the words my mom said to me. This all stemmed from an argument between me and her regarding how I should approach practicing for my oral test to become a pharmacist.

If my parents have become sick of my existence as a mentally slow (I could say the R-word but that ruins my already low self esteem) person, I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth continuing on in this world.

What everyone else is saying is correct. This is an abusive relationship. She does not get to determine your value. Only you can do that. You already have success. Celebrate that success. Just because you have not achieved your objective, yet, does not, in any way mean you have not succeeded.

Not sure if you have been through pharm school or just trying to get in but either way preparation will lead to success. What your mother thinks about that, or you, does not matter. AT ALL.

As hard as it can be to do, you have to stand up for yourself.

You can get counselling through your doctor's office. Your pharmacy may have an employee assistance program.

A personal story, I accidentally went off my meds last week. I had very dark thoughts just like you did. I figured out what happened, and I am back on them and have normalized. Drugs can help. I also see a therapist regularly. That helps immensely, particularly when you are in the situation you are. The people who are supposed to protect, nurture and encourage you are attacking you. That is a mind #### and you have to learn how to deal with it. That's what the pros are for.

Feel free to reach out. There are lots of people willing to help. The suicide help line is also a great resource to just be able to talk to someone. I know how overwhelming the thoughts can be. At the moment, they seem right. Don't let one moment rob your entire life.

We are all pulling for you.







Everything after this point is advice on preparing. I realize you did not ask for this, so feel free to ignore it. It is good advice though so may be helpful. If you are doing it all already, it means you are on the right path.

NSFW!

I Googled "How to prepare for Oral test to become pharmacist in Alberta." Now you have an outline. The best part of an outline is you can take one small piece and work on that. Do NOT get overwhelmed by all the pieces together. Take one piece and practice that. Video yourself and see what you did well and what you could improve on. It looks like this is in a simulated environment. Make sure to make EYE CONTACT with the examiners. Go slow and communicate clearly. Then do it again. And again, until you are happy with the result. Have friends watch it and give you tips. Send it to any of us and we will give you tips.

You have to remember that a test is about what you already know. The trick is communicating that.

From Google:

To prepare for the oral test (likely the objective structured clinical examination or OSCE) to become a pharmacist in Alberta, focus on simulating real-life pharmacy scenarios, practicing communication skills, and reviewing relevant knowledge, including drug interactions, dosages, and patient counseling techniques.
Here's a more detailed breakdown of how to prepare:
1. Understand the Test Structure and Content:
OSCE:
The Alberta oral test is an OSCE, which means you'll be assessed in a simulated practice environment.
Content:
Expect questions and scenarios related to:
Medication counseling: Explaining drug information, answering patient questions, and addressing concerns.
Prescription dispensing: Verifying prescriptions, checking for interactions, and ensuring proper dosage.
Drug interactions: Identifying potential interactions between medications and other substances.
Pharmacology: Understanding drug mechanisms of action, indications, and contraindications.
Patient safety: Ensuring safe medication practices and preventing errors.
Resources:
Consult the Alberta College of Pharmacy (ACP) website for specific details about the OSCE and its requirements.
2. Practice and Simulation:
Mock OSCEs:
Participate in mock OSCEs to familiarize yourself with the format and time constraints.
Scenario-Based Practice:
Practice responding to different patient scenarios, including common questions, concerns, and potential problems.
Role-Playing:
Engage in role-playing exercises with colleagues or mentors to improve your communication and counseling skills.
Review Case Studies:
Analyze real-life case studies to understand how pharmacists address complex situations.
3. Review Key Knowledge Areas:
Pharmacology: Thoroughly review pharmacology principles, including drug mechanisms of action, indications, contraindications, and adverse effects.
Therapeutics: Understand the principles of drug therapy and how to select appropriate medications for different conditions.
Drug Interactions: Be familiar with common drug interactions and how to prevent them.
Dosage Calculations: Practice accurate dosage calculations and conversions.
Patient Counseling: Develop strong communication and counseling skills to effectively educate patients about their medications.
Legal and Ethical Issues: Review relevant regulations and ethical guidelines for pharmacy practice.
4. Seek Feedback and Mentorship:
Mentorship: Seek guidance and feedback from experienced pharmacists or mentors.
Peer Review: Participate in peer review sessions to discuss your performance and identify areas for improvement.
Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback on your communication skills, knowledge, and overall performance.
5. English Language Proficiency:
English Language Proficiency:
Ensure you meet the English language proficiency requirements for pharmacists in Alberta.
Resources:
Consult the ACP website for information on English language requirements and resources.
6. Additional Tips:
Stay Organized: Keep your notes and study materials organized and easily accessible.
Manage Your Time: Practice time management skills to ensure you can complete all tasks within the allotted time.
Stay Calm and Confident: Approach the OSCE with confidence and stay calm under pressure.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Whew... big update Vinny. Good to hear from you again, I was worried dude.

A few thoughts...


- You interjected on calling yourself a mean word, on your own. This is REALLY big. Good job, keep that up.

- You've been diagnosed with a developmental delay. This is the beginning of getting to where you want to be. Sure, it might "take longer", and might not be the same path you were hoping for in life pre-Dx... but you can still write a story you love and can get there. This is YOUR life, not your mom's. Her judgements do not get to decide if you have worth or gifts to offer. You are worthy, and you do have gifts to offer. You have yet to meet everyone that will love you, or benefit from having known you.

- You've come back to share and ask for help, again. Makes me feel awesome that you have this place as an outlet and support.

- Late Dx can come with a lot of weird mourning as you learn more about the condition and connect dots in hindsight. That "I hate myself" song is going to play a lot as you work through this, but the funny thing is that I think going through it is the only way totally OUT of it. My previous advice still applies here.

- Developmental delays are highly heritable. One or both of your parents have a high probability of also having undiagnosed conditions. This means they will also struggle to self-regulate, or model behaviours that will help you manage the deficiencies. You've reached the stage where you need to start providing the parenting that you've always needed, but never received, to yourself. I know that sounds messed up and impossible, but... it's the main playbook and entirely possible.

- Rejection sensitivity and cPTSD are very real for NDs. Hearing that from your own mom is devastating, and the exact kind of thing that generates RSD/cPTSD in the first place. Just consider that she might have the same condition, or worse, and that those words are coming from a place that you do not need to hear from or visit. Protect yourself, that is abuse. You may need to go no-contact with her for your own well-being in the future if SHE can't get her S together.

... as for the exam.

Looks like the PEBC allows for accommodations on the oral exam for people with disabilities. Requesting Exam Accommodations - PEBC

It seems like there is one form you fill out as the test writer, and a second form that you will need to get your doctor to fill out in support.

I was offered help from an occupational therapist out of the NW Mental Health Clinic a while back. She said she could help with things like figuring out admin and filling out forms for things like this. I couldn't really use her, but I'd be happy to ask her how you could connect with someone like her if you think you might need help figuring out how to get this accommodation. Hell, I will help you fill these things out if you think you could use a hand.


The thing is that there are people like us out there. We need to use pharmacies too. There is an extreme lack of understanding of these conditions broadly in the medical system. It's an oasis when you finally do encounter someone who gets it. Your unique perspective and experiences can make you an even more compassionate and effective pharmacist, especially for patients like us, who get crapped on everywhere in life just for being what we are, even from our own parents!

It would be pretty rad to have a pharmacist who is also ND, and can help treat me as a person with ND.

It would be pretty rad to bring my ND kid to a pharmacist and show them "see, you can still make something of yourself and help a lot of people doing it."

My very limited research on this leads me to believe Pharmacists are a profession that value diversity, including neurodiversity, because they offer these accommodations during testing AND in practice. This stuff can be out there. No, it is not special treatment. They're tools to help you demonstrate your true capabilities, to give your gifts.

Find role models. People like Temple Grandin, Karen Shuman, Sandeep Jauhar, Ben Goldacre. All practicing physicians who are ND to different degrees and SWEAR that could not have had the success they have had without their unique minds.

Definitely, keep going. The world does need you, and we believe in you!

[Manhattanboy]

Please take the advice of everyone who has posted here.

You have all the care and support you need right here.

Be strong for yourself. You don’t need to impress anyone else.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Also while you're talking with your doc about that form, it is worthwhile to look into getting DTC status for yourself with the CRA. That's a bit of a process, too... but worthwhile in the long run.

[woob]

Vinny, good to hear from you!

While I don't know your relationship with your parentals and if you rely on them for shelter and food, I do know all about rejecting parental feedback and making your own way in the world. For me it was just one parent (the other more by association, but still received love from them), but I made a choice that was essentially I can only rely on myself. If I continued to try to please them, ultimately neither of us will be happy.

Keep pushing on your schooling and the direction you're heading and don't allow their opinion and thoughts on you shape your direction. I know thats easier said than done, as we spend our formative years learning from our parents and looking up to them (though, not always!), but the sooner you realize only you get to choose where you go in life, the better you'll be. And yes that'll be more challenging if you're neurodivergent, but you still have to rely on yourself.

Don't get me wrong, there's a literal tonne of bumps in that road, especially if you're reliant on your parents still, but keep pushing through. And as you've done here already, always reach out during those dark patches. Be it friends, randos on CalPuck, or legit professional services or 211, I believe you'll always find a willing ear.

[Mathgod]

Wishing you the best, Vinny. Stay strong. The CP community is and always will be here for you.

You are not a failure. Anyone who calls you that is just trying to cover up their own insecurities.

[KootenayFlamesFan]

I don't have much to add but agreed with others about the parents. Some of the stuff they're saying is just plain wrong. I just hope you understand that and don't believe everything they're saying to you. Best of luck to you, lots of good people here that can help you if you need it.

[Street Pharmacist]

I'm a pharmacist, I graduated from the UofA, and was recently the president of the BC Pharmacy Association. Feel free to PM me any questions!

[Caged Great]

Originally Posted by Mathgod

You are not a failure. Anyone who calls you that is just trying to cover up their own insecurities.

This 100%

As someone who has also dealt with extremely toxic family members, you should distance yourself from them. Thankfully the most toxic member of my family is no longer with us due to cancer and life has been significantly better without them.

You are doing good and are on the right path with your career, just have to keep going and giving it your best. You will get there eventually. The effort is the important part.