Finding love sucksssss - Part II

[JiriHrdina]

Tough situation. If I'm being honest I would never get involved with someone with a kid. I'm not even sure I want kids myself so to get into a relationship with someone else that has one - not for me.

The mistake she made was pressuring you into making her more of a priority than the kid. But maybe she just has no clue what being a parent is all about. If you don't have one, you probably have no clue how it changes your world when you do.

All in all though you probably did the right thing, no reason to draw it out once it became clear where her attitude was about it.

[Frank the Tank]

Originally Posted by FireFly

Sorry... I meant that I would've respected you more for putting your child first. Kids these days aren't given enough love, (one of my biggest pet peeves, I think absentee parents are the cause of a lot of problems in the world today,) so I admire parents who put their children first.

We could have a very long and great discussion about this. You hit the proverbeal nail on the head as far as I am concerned.

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by Frank the Tank

We could have a very long and great discussion about this. You hit the proverbeal nail on the head as far as I am concerned.

I think I just watch too much SuperNanny! I love that show and I don't even have kids. People with unruly children need to watch it and learn something.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by Eddie Bronze

Not all, but women seek/desire a lot of attention.

There, fixed that for you.

[ericschand]

Originally Posted by Frank the Tank

We could have a very long and great discussion about this. You hit the proverbeal nail on the head as far as I am concerned.

I'm naive. I just can't understand how people can turn their backs
on their own children. I have trouble leaving her for a week or two,
let alone for the rest of her life?!

I've been told that I sometimes get mopey and depressed, not the
same person, when she's gone. Not overly, but enough for close friends
to notice. Then I pick her up and bring her home, and the ericschand that
my friends like shows up again.

Besides taking it, because that's the way the court says it's gotta be,
how do other single dads handle it? How do you keep upbeat about it?
I try to see a positive in it, but....?

ers

[Frank the Tank]

Originally Posted by ericschand

I'm naive. I just can't understand how people can turn their backs
on their own children. I have trouble leaving her for a week or two,
let alone for the rest of her life?!

I've been told that I sometimes get mopey and depressed, not the
same person, when she's gone. Not overly, but enough for close friends
to notice. Then I pick her up and bring her home, and the ericschand that
my friends like shows up again.

Besides taking it, because that's the way the court says it's gotta be,
how do other single dads handle it? How do you keep upbeat about it?
I try to see a positive in it, but....?

ers

I don't know buddy. I'm lucky in that I am married and don't have to go through the withdrawl that you do. I don't know how you can't get depressed.

[JD]

Originally Posted by ericschand

Besides taking it, because that's the way the court says it's gotta be,
how do other single dads handle it? How do you keep upbeat about it?
I try to see a positive in it, but....?

Take heart in the effect you have on your daughter. No matter how much or how little time you get with her, you are leaving impressions and establishing her outlook on how things in the world are or need to be. As you watch her grow up, you'll start to see those things come out.

I get the same way, almost in a depressed state when I go a period of time without seeing mine, but now that my daughter's older, I'm starting to see what a profound effect my involvement has had on her. It's helped me realize that I don't need to be there every day to be her dad. I just need to stay true to her in whatever ways that I can.

[FLAMESBURNOIL]

how about dating the mother of your child? Now that would be putting your child first!!!

[Crazy Flamer]

Originally Posted by FLAMESBURNOIL

how about dating the mother of your child? Now that would be putting your child first...

Now that's a HUGE assumption! And i bet its the wrong one...

[JiriHrdina]

Originally Posted by FLAMESBURNOIL

how about dating the mother of your child? Now that would be putting your child first...

Pretty ignorant dude.

[pope04]

Originally Posted by FLAMESBURNOIL

how about dating the mother of your child? Now that would be putting your child first...

Uhh, how about NO. This is a rude thought, especially your second line.

[RedHot25]

Wow, just when you thought that you have seen everything on this forum....

[Crazy Flamer]

When you're a single father, its hard to find a good woman. Trust me. I was a single father for a long time before I met my girlfriend. And while she understands that my son is my priority, there have been times where she almost seems jealous of it. Not once have I hesitated to put her in her place.

I'll tell you this much, I would never make my kid second priority. If anyone pressured me to do so I would kick their ass to the curb and not even think twice about it, and that includes my current girlfriend.

You are your kid's role model. Part of your job is to protect them and care for them. Don't ever be afraid to stick up for them. You are their voice. And if anyone tries to make you think otherwise, they are not worth your time of day.

[Flames_Gimp]

yes iit sure doesnt feel good as a kid when your 2nd to someone, i know!

[FLAMESBURNOIL]

Originally Posted by JiriHrdina

Pretty ignorant dude.

maybe, but it was more sarcasm than anything...

[4X4]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Actually to be a jerk, which is something that I am good at.

I have to give the girl some credit, she was trying hard and working at making herself appealing to a single dad (You'd better be single)

It depends on how old she is, but she did seem interested, but a little pushy, but thats not a crime, obviously she saw something in you that she liked, and was willing to accept the kid. However depending on whether she has had children or not, she maybe dosen't understand the responsibility or the bond between a dude and his kid.

I think you were a little harsh with her. Thats what I'm trying to say.

Sounded to me like he once, twice and thrice declined the invite to the girl's place and reciprocated with an invite to his place. That sounds like a pretty reasonable compromise on his behalf, considering.


Eric,

My opinion is that this girl wanted to know that she would be important to you, as well as your daughter. Somewhat misguided attempt, but it doesn't sound like she is trying to take top spot. She just wants to know that you want to see her as much as she wants to see you.

Had this come a couple month into the relationship, I'd say that you were harsh. Since this is after two dates, I say RUN!

[PYroMaNiaC]

I was a single Mom when I met my husband. Our wedding ceremony included my daughter, as it was important to me that he understood we were/are a package deal.
Since then, I've also come to the realization that children do well when the parent(s) are happy. If having a girlfriend, or possibly a future wife is important to you, then you must also make time for that, because it will make you happy.
My children are number 1 in my life, but my happiness doesn't come second. The two are not mutually exclusive. My happiness is their happiness and their happiness is mine.

That said, her unenthusiastic response to you having a child probably told you that you were barking up the wrong tree and it's no skin off your teeth to end things quickly and with clarity. Keep looking - the real one is out there.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I don't know so much that the philiosophy should be your daughter comes first, and a girlfriend second.

Hear me out on this.

Why does there have to be a ranking order? Essentially your daughter has needs, and any potential mate has needs. However those needs are not mutually exclusive, nor are they even the same in most cases.

The desire to have your daughter #1 is natural, and in no way am I saying she should be #2. However I think that a girlfriend should understand that the needs of your daughter, and not only not interfere with your desire to fulfill those needs, but also be willing to help out.

Would things have been different if she offered to go over and help with the chores, or help put your daughter to bed, etc? (seems early in the realtionship from what you stated but down the road).

All of a sudden not only is your daughter #1 but so is the girl who is helping you with your daughter.

I would say the biggest issue with you dating someone right now is definition of relationship. If you can look at a relationship with a girlfriend, and your daughter as seperate but not mutually exclusive then you might have an easier time finding someone.

Question for the married couples out there with children, do you think of your child as #1 and wife as #2, or vice-versa, or are they both different but equally on top?


Then again I have no children, nor a girlfriend at the moment, I'm typing after just waking up and without my glasses (so now I have a headache) - so maybe I'm talking out of my ass and am not even coherent yet

... and now beer for breakfast, woop woop

[bluejays]

Originally Posted by ericschand

New thread, so as not to steal Kat's or the one about the
lifeguard...

This goes back to an arguement I have had with a few of my
friends, that it is hard to find a girl who will accept #2 status,
due to my 4 year old daughter being #1.

So I meet a girl, and we go out a few times. First date, not too bad,
we get along, and hey, I'm a nice guy.

Second date, she asks something like "What makes you tick?"

So I pull out a picture of my daughter, and show her. She doesn't
seem angry, nor particularly delighted. Somewhat neutral.

Anyways, she says she wants to go out on Saturday. I tell her I
would like to, however, I have my daughter on the weekend, and
I will be spending time with her, so Sunday is probably better.

This irked her. She asked why not a babysitter/friends? I told her
that I haven't seen my baby for 10 days, and that it was important
that I spend the evening with her. So she says, sure Sunday.
Still was irked though.

Anyways, Sat afternoon, and I get a call from her. She asks if we
can meet up tonight. Ummm, no, not tonight, I have my daughter,
remember? We're up for Sunday night, what would you like to do?

Around 9PM, she phones again. Why don't I go on over, watch
movies or something? Because I *have my daughter*, who is
now sound asleep.

"Wake her up, and bring her over too! I want to meet her!"

Not tonight, she's sleeping, and no way I'm waking her up. However,
if you want, you can come over here?

No, she wants me to go over to her place.

Now I have to admit I am getting very testy and annoyed. So I
tell her once again, that we are on for Sunday, but not tonight,
my baby is asleep, I'm not waking her.

She goes all quiet, so I tell her, look, much as I would like to do it
in person, I don't think this is going to work out. I have a daughter,
I have many commitments to her, and I'm not sure you understand.

She agreed to cancel Sunday, and I told her to just cancel it all.
(Then hung up -- yeah yeah, my bad, but I was ****ed off ; wake
her up, yeah right )

Now I ask you, the smart people of CP, is this what I'm going to
run into all the time? Is there a woman out there who will understand
that I have put my baby first, there is nothing else that will replace
her at the top?

Or on the flip side, did I over-react and not give her a chance?

ers

I'm not an expert on any of this stuff, but it seriously took balls to do that, and I have to say, good job on your part for getting your priorities straight. Most guys would have had tunnel vision in this instance.

[bluejays]

Originally Posted by FireFly

I think I just watch too much SuperNanny! I love that show and I don't even have kids. People with unruly children need to watch it and learn something.

People with those children should be castrated . Really though, there's nothing wrong with a good spanking. If I did something wrong when I was young, I got one across my head or bum, and I turned out just fine (says I). These parents are always too politically correct...telling your kid to go to their room isn't a punishment. I really can't stand the parents as much as the kids. But it is a wonder how Supernanny can handle the kids without spanking them (but it just may be the kids act respectable at the end because the Supernanny is at home...we never get an update once she leaves).