To move to another city for your GF or not?

[Yakbutter]

No way, do what you want to do. Don't let someone force you into doing something you obviously don't want to do. GF's come and go, someone else will come along that doesn't want to move you out of town to tie you down with kids.

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by Hi-Psi

One point she has stated is that one reason she doesn't want to live in Calgary is that she doesn't want to have to buy a home twice, she basically wants to buy the house now that she can raise a family in. I've said though that we can always buy something in the city now and then as kids are born we can then look at buying outside the city or on the outskirts or whatever as this is still 3-5 years down the road. She's worried though that if she gives in and moves to Calgary that I will never change my ways and we'll never move to that "country" home and she'll end up giving up something that was very important to her.

How much of this is about her living in her country home and how much of this is about her wanting you to 'change your ways'? Is this a passive agressive way of essentially saying that you and your life in Calgary is actually her problem as opposed to the city of Calgary being her problem?

I can't for the life of me understand how someone who works part-time in Wetaskawin, in a line of work that's essentially available everywhere, would insist that her long-term boyfriend be uprooted from his family and friends to live in a city of 100,000 people (Red Deer), which essentially has the same housing and community features for rearing children as Airdrie. From what you've posted it seems to me this isn't about raising kids in a 'country home' because you can do that within a 45 minute drive of your friends and family in Calgary and she can get work close to here too.

Maybe the right conversation to have with her isn't about specific location, but rather how you live your life together currently and how both of you see that changing over time as you get older together. Maybe once you see how she views the world you can ascertain whether or not you actually want to fit into that world.

[Trojan97]

We need the GF to chime in here

[CaptainCrunch]

Anyone else think that she sounds incredibly self centered and uncompromising?

The whole my career, my country home, to have my kids now and you need to change your ways and do what I say to save this relationship.

Its up to you on whether this is worth saving, but her motives aren't about country living and her career.

She wants to get you away from your friends and your family

She wants you to change your lifestyle for her.

She isn't willing to look at communities around Calgary that might meet her needs, probably because she has her friends and her family there.

This doesn't exactly sound like an even relationship built around mutual understanding and respect and compromise and communication and all of that junk.

If this story line was being played out on the Jerry Springer show some really fat chick would stand up in her flip flops and skin tight lycra pants and tell you "That you needs to get some respect for yourself"

If you change your lifestyle and move there you need to be careful, because her next step is to completely cut off you from your friends and family.

Her next step is to get knocked up so she has ultimate control over you.

You need to ask her some serious questions, because the more I look at this thing, the less it is about location and the more it is about control and establishing dominance.

Not to say that dominance by a hot chick isn't good, but usually you only do that once a month and you pay for that action and return to your normal life.

You need to understand what her goals are and decide if you want to be a part of it. She's not respecting your life and your needs.

A 2 day a week job in Wetaskawin or whatever it is in a field that everyone is probably hiring is an awful skinny reason for you to uproot and completely change your life.

She's either selfish, self centered or incredibly cagey.

The question has to be around what you want and what your willing to give up to make it work and if its worth it over the long term?

If you're willing to lick the boot to make it work, then so be it, but you'd better be sure.

[DuffMan]

She is obviously testing you to see how much you love her. You should come up with some negotiation points, like anal, if she isn't already doing it. That'll show you how much she loves you.

[Weiser Wonder]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Anyone else think that she sounds incredibly self centered and uncompromising?

The whole my career, my country home, to have my kids now and you need to change your ways and do what I say to save this relationship.

Its up to you on whether this is worth saving, but her motives aren't about country living and her career.

She wants to get you away from your friends and your family

She wants you to change your lifestyle for her.

She isn't willing to look at communities around Calgary that might meet her needs, probably because she has her friends and her family there.

This doesn't exactly sound like an even relationship built around mutual understanding and respect and compromise and communication and all of that junk.

If this story line was being played out on the Jerry Springer show some really fat chick would stand up in her flip flops and skin tight lycra pants and tell you "That you needs to get some respect for yourself"

If you change your lifestyle and move there you need to be careful, because her next step is to completely cut off you from your friends and family.

Her next step is to get knocked up so she has ultimate control over you.

You need to ask her some serious questions, because the more I look at this thing, the less it is about location and the more it is about control and establishing dominance.

Not to say that dominance by a hot chick isn't good, but usually you only do that once a month and you pay for that action and return to your normal life.

You need to understand what her goals are and decide if you want to be a part of it. She's not respecting your life and your needs.

A 2 day a week job in Wetaskawin or whatever it is in a field that everyone is probably hiring is an awful skinny reason for you to uproot and completely change your life.

She's either selfish, self centered or incredibly cagey.

The question has to be around what you want and what your willing to give up to make it work and if its worth it over the long term?

If you're willing to lick the boot to make it work, then so be it, but you'd better be sure.

...and this is why you never ask for dating advice on the internet.

[CaptainCrunch]

Sure but if you ask expect an answer.

[gargamel]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Anyone else think that she sounds incredibly self centered and uncompromising?

Yes, but so does he. She's putting her family and her job ahead of him, and he's putting his family and his friends above her.

If she's not willing to look for a job closer to Calgary, and he's not willing to drive 90 minutes to see his friends, I think the relationship is doomed.

[CaptainCrunch]

agreed

In these posts I've seen so many warning signs that I've seen in past relationships.

I don't like your friends I need to seperate them from you

You need to drop your life and move

Think about the children.

I can guarantee that if he drops his friends for her his resentment is going to grow

and Vice Versa

This whole thing breaks down to a battle over commitment and control in a relationship

[comrade]

Originally Posted by Hi-Psi

Hey guys,

Sorry for not replying sooner, I'm up at work right now and internet has been hit and miss the last few days.

Thanks a lot for all the replies, it's been interesting seeing the different perspectives.

I understand a lot of the points and while it may seem like an easy decision to some, it isn't to me or her. We want to be happy and we want to make the right decision but we have different ideas on what we think that right decision is.

I've spent the last few days contemplating what living in Red Deer would mean for me and for us. The thing I just can't seem to get past is the fact that we do almost everything in Calgary and almost nothing in Red Deer. The only real reason to live in Red Deer is so she can be closer to work. She says to me "well we're only an hour away from friends, an hour away from your family, an hour away from Flames game, from birthdays, from wing nights and an hour away from work." Well when I think about that I shake my head and think that why should we live an hour away from all of those things when we can cure all but 1 by living in Calgary...

I understand that a 2.5 hour drive to work sucks, especially doing it every week but in my honest opinion I don't see why she can't look for work closer to the city. I said SHE THINKS it's the best opportunity because I honestly think she could work just about anywhere in Alberta and get the same experience, why she seems so dead set on where she is is a mystery to me other than the fact that she knows all the staff already and is comfortable there and just doesn't want to have to start over with a new company.

I understand that if I'm away 3 weeks at a time it would be best to accommodate her and be closer to her work, that's part of the reason that this is so hard to figure out.

As for her wanting to raise kids outside the city, I've always been aware of this and while I guess I hoped I could persuade her over time to maybe raise kids on the outskirts of the city or something equivalent, I've said that I'm not apposed to moving out of the city when that time came. By then I'm sure living outside the city might actually be really appealing as I've always wanted that sort of country type home to raise a family, I just know that I'm not ready for that right at this moment.

One point she has stated is that one reason she doesn't want to live in Calgary is that she doesn't want to have to buy a home twice, she basically wants to buy the house now that she can raise a family in. I've said though that we can always buy something in the city now and then as kids are born we can then look at buying outside the city or on the outskirts or whatever as this is still 3-5 years down the road. She's worried though that if she gives in and moves to Calgary that I will never change my ways and we'll never move to that "country" home and she'll end up giving up something that was very important to her.

You just need to hash all this out with her in an adult way. As in no arguing, no shutting down, no insults or anything from either party as well as complete honesty. I would talk about that at length first before actually talking about everything else. You could even tell her that you "feel that she might feeling that her moving back to Calgary is a ploy by you to lock her in to Calgary" to get the ball rolling. Just make sure and use the word 'feel' everywhere you can and don't let her push you around. If she brings up something from the past (like say, you always knew I wanted to live in the country and so your continuing relationship with me means you already committed to living in the country and you can't take it back now) stand your ground, and just re-iterate what you want now and tell her that trying to guilt you into caving isn't going to work.

At the end of the day you each need to communicate what you really want and then only then can you actually find out if there's a compromise to be made. And if not, so be it.

[Hi-Psi]

First of all, she isn't trying to change everything about me. Second of all, she isn't trying to pry me away from my friends because she doesn't like them.

I guess it's hard for questions like this to get the perfect answers when asked on a forum as none of the people actually know all the details and it's hard to put every detail in here as it would take ages to write it all up.

Basically, she wants to move to Red Deer to be closer to work, to her family and some of her friends. She also likes the idea of raising a family in the a smaller city rather than in the big city and would really like to have an acreage. Kids of course are 3-5 years away so that's the least of the concerns right now.

She loves my friends, they're really OUR friends and we always have a great time together in Calgary. She has even said that she is willing to come to Calgary and brave the long drive to/from work to make sure we still have the social life that we have come accustomed. The problem is that she sees that she's compromising to make our lives better but doesn't see where I am compromising and doesn't know if I'll ever be willing to compromise my wants/needs for the good of our relationship.

While I do see where she is coming from, I have stated that I would consider a "country" type home when the time came but that I just wasn't ready for that at this point in my life.

To the people that say "Screw her and the relationship is over" I highly doubt they have ever been in a long term relationship before or else they have never cared enough about a person in a long term relationship to truly understand this situation.

We have been talking over the last few days in depth about a lot of the issues mentioned in this thread and we are still trying to come up with the best solution. This isn't easy for either of us, we want to make sure we do what is best for us.

I know I am being selfish by wanting to live in Calgary, I know that I a choosing this city, with our friends and my family over her job. I feel bad that she would have to make the trek back and forth to work, just wish she was able to find something closer to town, that would solve that issue. The problem with finding work closer to town, they work a 4 on/off rotation and she really likes the 2 on/4 off, I don't fault her for that, I would prefer the 2/4 as well.

[morgin]

Kids are expensive, as are acreages.

You need to maximize your earning potential pre-kids. That means Calgary. Higher earnings will always trump more efficient savings when it comes to long term financial planning. her job is portable. She should try to find a location that pays as well as possible for the next bit so you can save save save. Then, decide where you want lifestyle, and calculate if you can afford it. If you can, move. if you can't, keep earning until you can.

Friends should be item number 20 on your list. I've moved tons of times. You can always make new friends, and if the old ones are important, you'll keep them too. Plus, there is some truth to the fact that once you have kids, you end up seeing couple friends with kids a lot more than your own buddies, especially if those buddies dont have kids or girlfriends (note, i dont have kids, but it happens with my and her friends who do).

Stop worrying about stupid stuff and worry about paying for your future!

[flamefan74]

Originally Posted by Hi-Psi

First of all, she isn't trying to change everything about me. Second of all, she isn't trying to pry me away from my friends because she doesn't like them.

I guess it's hard for questions like this to get the perfect answers when asked on a forum as none of the people actually know all the details and it's hard to put every detail in here as it would take ages to write it all up.

Basically, she wants to move to Red Deer to be closer to work, to her family and some of her friends. She also likes the idea of raising a family in the a smaller city rather than in the big city and would really like to have an acreage. Kids of course are 3-5 years away so that's the least of the concerns right now.

She loves my friends, they're really OUR friends and we always have a great time together in Calgary. She has even said that she is willing to come to Calgary and brave the long drive to/from work to make sure we still have the social life that we have come accustomed. The problem is that she sees that she's compromising to make our lives better but doesn't see where I am compromising and doesn't know if I'll ever be willing to compromise my wants/needs for the good of our relationship.

While I do see where she is coming from, I have stated that I would consider a "country" type home when the time came but that I just wasn't ready for that at this point in my life.

To the people that say "Screw her and the relationship is over" I highly doubt they have ever been in a long term relationship before or else they have never cared enough about a person in a long term relationship to truly understand this situation.

We have been talking over the last few days in depth about a lot of the issues mentioned in this thread and we are still trying to come up with the best solution. This isn't easy for either of us, we want to make sure we do what is best for us.

I know I am being selfish by wanting to live in Calgary, I know that I a choosing this city, with our friends and my family over her job. I feel bad that she would have to make the trek back and forth to work, just wish she was able to find something closer to town, that would solve that issue. The problem with finding work closer to town, they work a 4 on/off rotation and she really likes the 2 on/4 off, I don't fault her for that, I would prefer the 2/4 as well.

Couple questions for you. When you get home after 3 weeks of work, how do you spend your time? Are you visiting friends and family the whole time? Is it by yourself or with her? Also, if you wish she got a job in Calgary then why not you as well?

I see her point in all this. There is absolutely no compromise on your part. They aren't OUR friends, they're YOUR friends who have welcomed her into their circle. It's YOUR family, YOUR job and YOU might consider country living. Maybe she just wants to start a life with you and being in Calgary with all YOUR stuff makes her feel like a third wheel.

At the same time, there is room for her to be more flexible. If the relationship is to work, you both need to give up something big.

[metallicat]

Originally Posted by Hi-Psi

First of all, she isn't trying to change everything about me. Second of all, she isn't trying to pry me away from my friends because she doesn't like them.

I guess it's hard for questions like this to get the perfect answers when asked on a forum as none of the people actually know all the details and it's hard to put every detail in here as it would take ages to write it all up.

Basically, she wants to move to Red Deer to be closer to work, to her family and some of her friends. She also likes the idea of raising a family in the a smaller city rather than in the big city and would really like to have an acreage. Kids of course are 3-5 years away so that's the least of the concerns right now.

She loves my friends, they're really OUR friends and we always have a great time together in Calgary. She has even said that she is willing to come to Calgary and brave the long drive to/from work to make sure we still have the social life that we have come accustomed. The problem is that she sees that she's compromising to make our lives better but doesn't see where I am compromising and doesn't know if I'll ever be willing to compromise my wants/needs for the good of our relationship.

While I do see where she is coming from, I have stated that I would consider a "country" type home when the time came but that I just wasn't ready for that at this point in my life.

To the people that say "Screw her and the relationship is over" I highly doubt they have ever been in a long term relationship before or else they have never cared enough about a person in a long term relationship to truly understand this situation.

We have been talking over the last few days in depth about a lot of the issues mentioned in this thread and we are still trying to come up with the best solution. This isn't easy for either of us, we want to make sure we do what is best for us.

I know I am being selfish by wanting to live in Calgary, I know that I a choosing this city, with our friends and my family over her job. I feel bad that she would have to make the trek back and forth to work, just wish she was able to find something closer to town, that would solve that issue. The problem with finding work closer to town, they work a 4 on/off rotation and she really likes the 2 on/4 off, I don't fault her for that, I would prefer the 2/4 as well.

It seems you don't want to hear any opinions other than ones that agree with you.

[GGG]

Airdrie might be a good comprimise. Keeps you close to friends, keeps her significantly closer to work, really only about 50 minutes further than red deer. Its a smaller center.

[Joborule]

Originally Posted by oilers_fan

It seems you don't want to hear any opinions other than ones that agree with you.

Agreed. This is more like a diary than taking in the advice. You may have your answer right there, being that you want to stay with her at all costs.

[troutman]

I hope GF doesn't see this thread.

A friend once made a list of pros and cons about his GF. He left it lying around the house, and GF became ex-GF.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Reads like a power struggle between two passive aggressive personalities.

[DuffMan]

Originally Posted by troutman

I hope GF doesn't see this thread.

A friend once made a list of pros and cons about his GF. He left it lying around the house, and GF became ex-GF.

I knew this other guy once who was discussing his gf's vag on a hockey forum. She somehow found about it and came and pulled him out of there by the ear, and then he never posted about vags again. Before that he had a lot to say about womens vags.

[Teh_Bandwagoner]

Originally Posted by Trojan97

We need the GF to chime in here

If she did, there's no way it would ever be as fun as this:

http://forum.calgarypuck.com/showthr...23#post3996423