Doing your own thing, when you have a family

[Yeah_Baby]

Originally Posted by stang

Thanks everyone for your help....

Need a hug?

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Yeah_Baby

Need a hug?

Careful, his wife might want one too.

[Yeah_Baby]

Originally Posted by Locke

Careful, his wife might want one too.

[MoneyGuy]

As someone who's been married 30 years, you have a problem if your wife thinks it's a problem. Believe me. I also don't think her position is unreasonable.

[Flame Of Liberty]

Originally Posted by fotze

and the other side is sayinbg she is a needy lame-o who has no friends so he needs to be her only friend.

Who's the other side saying that?

[Mrs. Rathji]

So as a pregnant woman who has one child and a job. Here is my opinion! She may not like it, or she may have just been angry at the time and that was what she lashed out at. If she brings up the same complaint again then you have more of a problem. Myself if my husband was spending 2 nights a week away from me just hanging out I would be very cranky. I spend my day with our daughter and my nights at work and I expect that when I am not taking care of our daughter he is. From what I have read you do a good amount to even things out so she isn't feeling overworked but that doesn't change that she is (even if she won't admit it) TIRED!!! I am tired all the time but that doesn't change that I still have to deal with everyday tasks. I would give anything to sit down and just have 2 hours in a week to just hangout with my husband.
The only question I haven't seen an answer to is "how far along is she?????" If she is nearing the end of her pregnnancy, stay home! The end of my first pregnancy was so stressful because my husband was working long hours and I felt very alone. I had a mind full of worries about everything from giving birth to how I was going to take care of a baby. All while wondering how I was going to do it alone. I was never alone my husband has always been there if I need him but it doesn't change that it was a very big concern for me.
I know in my own life that there is alot of worry with pregnancy and hormone levels don't help anything. I can be perfectly stable at one moment and crying the next becasue he said something I thought was mean. Was it mean, who knows but I know that being pregnant has definitely caused it's fair share of fights in my house.

I guess what I think it all boils down to is that she is doing something that is very difficult and very taxing on her. The fact that she works on top of it just adds to that and if she needs you at home during her pregnancy then that is just what she needs. And what she needs is really what your top concern should be. She is the Mother of your children and you have your own role in your children's lives but if she is like me she feels like their entire world rests on her shoulders. She may just need to feel like you are there to help her lift that weight. I can see her not wanting to go out. I hate leaving my baby, even when she is sleeping. And if she works mon-fri and is leaving your daughter, I can understand wanting to stay home.

I guess what I am saying is keep your jam buddies but cut it way back. Once a month is more than enough and just stay home with her. You may never know how much just having you in the house will ease the stress she feels. I know I need my husband at home even if he is doing his own thing at home I need him there. Thankfully he knows that and doesn't push to be away. I will say that if you keep going out twice a week things will just get worse. And until she has the new baby and has found a routine with 2 kids, I am sure she needs you at home as much as I need my husband. She should be your number 1 priority and as long as you keep reassuring her of that things will be ok. I understand the need for down time but being pregnant I am trying to understand that too and however irrational it is she just needs you there more.

I know pregnant women are crazy, but remember we didn't make ourselves pregnant!!! Now did we???? Best thing to do with your pregnant wife is love her even when she is being crazy. And never tell she is crazy!!! Right Rathji????

[Rathji]

Never tell her she is being crazy *while* she is being crazy.

[Peanut]

Originally Posted by KevanGuy

Wow. stang his indicated that really isn't a description of his situation but I just wanted to point out that you left WORK off the husband's To-Do List. The bills don't pay themselves.

That's why work is on BOTH of their to-do lists.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Rathji

Never tell her she is being crazy *while* she is being crazy.

Unless you like sleeping on the couch

[Peanut]

IMO there is some good advice in here, and every relationship is different so it will be up to you and your wife what might work for you from people's suggestions and what won't.

My two cents - it's most likely related to pregnancy and hormones. If I can go ahead and make some assumptions based on my own experience: She's exhausted (seriously, doesn't matter how far along she is, she's exhausted), she's worried about baby #2 and how much work that's going to be (for both of you, but particularly the load will be on her for the next while depending the feeding situation), and while it does sound like you do a lot to help out with the family and around the house, sometimes "being supportive" does not just equal "doing your share of chores". She's (I'm assuming) hormonal and wants to feel loved and appreciated. Well, maybe feeling loved and appreciated is what every person in a relationship wants, but this definitely seems to be magnified due to the crazy pregnancy hormones from what I can tell.

Good luck, and I'm sure you guys can work out a compromise so you're both satisfied!

[Locke]

Originally Posted by fotze

I bet they can't.

2 to 1? 3 to 1? Whats the spread?

[Peanut]

Originally Posted by fotze

I bet they can't.

Okay, fine. So the definition of compromise is that nobody is happy. She's not happy with one night a week of jamming, and neither is he. But at least they'll be unhappy together.

[Rhettzky]

Originally Posted by Peanut

Okay, fine. So the definition of compromise is that nobody is happy. She's not happy with one night a week of jamming, and neither is he. But at least they'll be unhappy together.

Wouldn't it make more sense for him to start jamming three nights a week? I mean show her what that would be like and then she'll be happy when he drops it back to just two.

[stang]

Think we worked it out... I think it was more of a jealous that she doesnt have her own thing to do. She feels confined to the house because she cant move around and is unconfortable all the time. We agreed that I would go out one night a week with the guys and jam, but the other night a week, she would jam with me and put to use the 2 guitars I bought her. LOL

We were sitting here looking at some older pictures we have on the computer and I kept pointing out some great pictures she has taken with our cheap point and shoot camera, and she started saying how she wished she was better at photography, like her cousin (won some photo of the year thing in Regina.. http://www.leaderpost.com/news/Take+...978/story.html)

So I pointed out that she has a great eye (as evidence by the photos she takes) and told her with a decent camera (ours cost $99 form staples) she could do that too.

Anyways I think I found something that she wants to do, and is passionate about. Now to turn it from a fun time waster into a hobby.

Thanks for all you help people, I really appreciate it. Off to Tech talk I go to read/ask about Canon Rebel Cameras... LOL

[redforever]

Originally Posted by stang

Think we worked it out... I think it was more of a jealous that she doesnt have her own thing to do. She feels confined to the house because she cant move around and is unconfortable all the time. We agreed that I would go out one night a week with the guys and jam, but the other night a week, she would jam with me and put to use the 2 guitars I bought her. LOL

We were sitting here looking at some older pictures we have on the computer and I kept pointing out some great pictures she has taken with our cheap point and shoot camera, and she started saying how she wished she was better at photography, like her cousin (won some photo of the year thing in Regina.. http://www.leaderpost.com/news/Take+...978/story.html)

So I pointed out that she has a great eye (as evidence by the photos she takes) and told her with a decent camera (ours cost $99 form staples) she could do that too.

Anyways I think I found something that she wants to do, and is passionate about. Now to turn it from a fun time waster into a hobby.

Thanks for all you help people, I really appreciate it. Off to Tech talk I go to read/ask about Canon Rebel Cameras... LOL

You're gonna be ok. Obviously the two of you can talk, that is the key. And you seem to have worked out priorities. Good for you. Those priorities can and will change with time, talk it through every time, you are gonna be ok.

[jonesy]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

She doesn't want to go out, huh? No kidding. The woman is exhausted. It takes a lot of work to find babysitters, make sure the house is in reasonable condition for a guest, get snacks ready, get emergency numbers ready, and find a few minutes to swipe mascara on her which really will not hide the fact that she prego and fat and there's nothing in her wardrobe that fits any more and makes her feel special and sexually attractive - oh and god, all those pretty girls out there without stretch marks, and their boobs still ride where God intended, and .....here comes the tears....

You know what she really wants? She wants you to come home, make dinner, do all the things she normally does after you arrive, while she soaks in the tub that you've carefully run for her. When she gets out, which will be a long time coming because you've left the latest book from her favorite author in there, there is soft music playing. You ask to have a slow dance in the living room with your beautiful partner. When you are done, you lay her back on the couch and give her a foot rub that makes her head spin. For the finale, you and her climb into bed, where you hold her only and tell her that you love her, and when your daughter cries in the night, you get out of bed right away to make sure that she doesn't wake mommy, and you make the bad guys under the bed go away.

Good Luck.

What a joke, how can you assume this woman does all that? Of all the married people I know, the concept of the wife doing all this is just not true. Making his lunch? Cleaning the toilents hahahaha. I'm not knocking the rest, but come on, guys get a bad rap for supposedly sitting around doing nothing. Most guys I know are doing non stop kid stuff all weekend, helping with the house in addition to all the traditional male stuff, like house maintenance, car maintenace, shovellin the snow, mowing the lawn
etc etc. Why assume the 'poor woman' does all this while the 'fat slob' sits around?

[stang]

Originally Posted by fotze

Ahh the 2009 version of buying a bouquet of roses. How can he be an arsehole if he buys me a $1000 camera? Since the beginning of time, guys buying peace/peice from the wife.

I'm just bugging you stang.

You know I dont even mind... Its a small price to pay...

Besides she bought me my guitar... and that wasnt cheap either.

[stang]

It came back to me... I still own it.

The guys on that other forum found out all his personal info, and had him so scared he just rejected it when it came to him...

So it made a round trip to New Mexico..

[redforever]

Originally Posted by stang

We were sitting here looking at some older pictures we have on the computer and I kept pointing out some great pictures she has taken with our cheap point and shoot camera, and she started saying how she wished she was better at photography,

So I pointed out that she has a great eye (as evidence by the photos she takes) and told her with a decent camera (ours cost $99 form staples) she could do that too.

Anyways I think I found something that she wants to do, and is passionate about. Now to turn it from a fun time waster into a hobby.

This is something that I can see working for her. She can do this WHILE her family is at home. This way, she won't have to find extra time to go out somewhere or to find babysitters which you had mentioned is hard since you live in the country.

[Traditional_Ale]

Originally Posted by Flame Of Liberty

I haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone else already pointed this out - this is the problem. She sees that you have a social circle of buddies you hang out with. She doesn't. She feels alone, maybe secluded.

How is it stang's problem if she has no friends? People are responsible for their own relationships. The only thing all her relationships have in common, is, well, her.

You can't simply fix that by saying "go dance with my sister" or whatever. It's not that easy. Maybe she doesn't like your sister, maybe she doesn't like dancing. For some people it's not easy to find a circle of friends they can enjoy their hobbies with.

Again, how is it stang's problem is she is at home feeling like she has no friends and alone if she doesn't like anyone or anything?

Also, in the internet era I will not accept the argument that she cannot find a circle of at least friendly aquaintences who share common interests.

You have that. Your wife doesn't have that, and does not know how to get that. Unless she gets her own "jamming band" she will always see you having one as a problem. IMO that's your problem in a nutshell right there.

My 2 cents.

Again, how is it stang's fault or problem that rather than accept her desires for friends and weaknesses in social skills and work on them, she blames him, the heinous who put his wee-wee in her and ruined her life condemning her to raising his little hellions?

Sounds to me like she is unhappy, and rather than do something about it she wants to blame stang, who only wants to go play guitar. Also, I love how non-musicians post saying dumb stuff like "only do it once a month" like musical chops don't diminish if he doesn't practice. Think any hockey team would put up with someone who could only come to games and not practices because of their wife?

Lastly, pregnant women are beautiful and they glow like nothing else. Maybe I'm a freak, but I think pregnant women are sexy. I don't buy the argument that pregnant women automatically think they are unattractive. They're not "fat", they're pregnant. HUGE DIFFERENCE!

Hell, maybe if she wants stang's attitude to improve, then hers could too.

I understand what its like to consider yourself a loving, caring, and sensitive enough person who just happens to despise "coddling."