I would suggest sitting down with her and trying to clearly communicate so you can get to the root of the problem. If she feels insecure about herself or being alone or anxious about the future of raising two kids, etc it may be expressed in the fits of resentful anger that is the passive-aggressive nagging you've described here. In her mind, demonizing drinking and playing guitar may seem a lot easier than telling you she feels insecure in your relationship due to X or Y. Perhaps a good way of going about it would be to be clear and honest why you go out and do what you do, with a special emphasis that it isn't about excluding her or getting away from her.
On the other hand, I would suggest not simply giving in and compromising, until at least she's stated her reasons for the way she's acting and feeling openly and honestly. Don't reinforce foot-stamping or petulance. Don't reinforce the begrudging of your individual pursuits as a matter of course. In doing so, you may assuage her resentments, but you'll end up building up some of your own, which would also be destructive to the relationship. It would also communicate that she'll have to deal with her issues with you and the relationship in a clear, mature and consensual manner in the future - not just denigrate what you value in huffy tones whenever something you do annoys her.
Im certainly not saying "don't compromise" here. If you can sit down and hash it out with her, you may find you'll want to skip a jam session or two if she looks you in the eye and says "I feel really neglected and alone when you leave for so long every so often." When people are communicating openly and in earnest without attacks or ultimatums, compromises can be negotatied in good faith; and outcomes that are potentially satisfactory for both parties can be reached. Which should be the ultimate goal here.
I would suggest sitting down with her and trying to clearly communicate so you can get to the root of the problem.
The root of the problem is that he's spending 28.6% of his nights jammin' and drinkin' with his pals with a kid and a pregnant wife sitting at home.
Time to give it up. She's at a vulnerable moment in her life and the home situation is where he has to pay the most attention, probably for about the next ten years at a minimum, then the noose starts to loosen a bit.
Either that or stop knockin' people up.
I do agree with an earlier poster that he could jam once every few weeks. Or look at a Saturday afternoon or something.
Nights? Not a good idea.
Cowperson
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The root of the problem is that he's spending 28.6% of his nights jammin' and drinkin' with his pals with a kid and a pregnant wife sitting at home.
I guess this would be true if he spent 2 full nights out of the week drinking and jamming with his friends. However, that's not the case. The 'kid' is at home sleeping and the wife is too. So by your definition of night, the wife and kid sleep for 100% of the time. IMO, nights are the best time to have some time to yourself. Weekends and early evenings are family time in our household.
Let me say again: She's pregnant. She needs your support right now.
What, are you never going to "jam" again for the rest of your life? You're an adult. You can help her out right now. You're going to get your nuts kicked in again anyhow once that kid pops out.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shazam
Let me say again: She's pregnant. She needs your support right now.
What, are you never going to "jam" again for the rest of your life? You're an adult. You can help her out right now. You're going to get your nuts kicked in again anyhow once that kid pops out.
She's getting his support. Read his comments again.
Let me say again: She's pregnant. She needs your support right now.
What, are you never going to "jam" again for the rest of your life? You're an adult. You can help her out right now. You're going to get your nuts kicked in again anyhow once that kid pops out.
That's the thing, he is helping out right now. I don't get why helping out means he has to stay confined to his house for the better part of nine months. I could see the problem if the situation involved him coming home from work, eating, kissing the wife and kids and then taking off. But he said he's making supper, bathing his daughter and putting her to bed and then when the dust settles he's popping out for a few hours to blow off some steam.
There's nothing wrong with having kids and a life.
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I would love for her to do her own thing and go out... She doesnt. I would have no problem with her doing whatever she wants (within normal couple limits of course)
If she wanted to go swimming 2 nights a week.. good.
Soccer/dance with my sister? I would be thrilled.
I haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone else already pointed this out - this is the problem. She sees that you have a social circle of buddies you hang out with. She doesn't. She feels alone, maybe secluded.
You can't simply fix that by saying "go dance with my sister" or whatever. It's not that easy. Maybe she doesn't like your sister, maybe she doesn't like dancing. For some people it's not easy to find a circle of friends they can enjoy their hobbies with. You have that. Your wife doesn't have that, and does not know how to get that. Unless she gets her own "jamming band" she will always see you having one as a problem. IMO that's your problem in a nutshell right there.
I haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone else already pointed this out - this is the problem. She sees that you have a social circle of buddies you hang out with. She doesn't. She feels alone, maybe secluded.
You can't simply fix that by saying "go dance with my sister" or whatever. It's not that easy. Maybe she doesn't like your sister, maybe she doesn't like dancing. For some people it's not easy to find a circle of friends they can enjoy their hobbies with. You have that. Your wife doesn't have that, and does not know how to get that. Unless she gets her own "jamming band" she will always see you having one as a problem. IMO that's your problem in a nutshell right there.
My 2 cents.
TBH... I dont hang out with any of my buddies I used to when we first started dating years ago... these are just a couple like minded musicians who want to get out and jam a couple nights a week. They wouldnt be my first choice to go out for a night on the town or anything...
But you are probally right...
I have bought her 2 guitars of her own (right handed so that proves they are not for me haha) so maybe I will ask her to jam with me at home on my second night....
TBH... I dont hang out with any of my buddies I used to when we first started dating years ago... these are just a couple like minded musicians who want to get out and jam a couple nights a week. They wouldnt be my first choice to go out for a night on the town or anything...
To her, it doesn't matter if they are your best buddies or faceless strangers. They are your people you enjoy your time with. She needs to have the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stang
But you are probally right...
I have bought her 2 guitars of her own (right handed so that proves they are not for me haha) so maybe I will ask her to jam with me at home on my second night....
When you personally make an effort and get her involved, that's probably your best bet to fix the problem. Maybe she just need a little push, feeling of involvement and soon she'll find a circle of friends she can hang out with on her own.
Good luck
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