Is there such a thing as a lover that got away?

[4X4]

To be clear, I used the term 'bag' not in a sexual way. I meant, 'how did that person manage to secure that person'. To bag is to make one your mate.

[octothorp]

Really, I think people are reacting to your original post because your criticism should be directed not at this less beautiful woman, but at this man who, in an overly simplified way, chose her over you.

His wife should have nothing to do with the equation. Once an unrequited love relationship is officially terminated, the unrequitee (you) should have one primary goal. Well, really it's a two-part goal: (a) make the unrequiter feel a strong sense of regret; and (b) make it clear to the unrequiter that he's lost his opportunity.

'A' is important because it's a powerful motivator: many people have used someone else's disinterest as a motivation to go on and do great things. Look at Simone de Beauvoir or Jesus Christ or Jennifer Aniston for proof of this.

'B' is important because, well, that's how you win. After the original spurning, there's no real hope that any viable relationship will ever result, no matter how patient or persistent you are. At this point, it's about a very subtle but effective brand of revenge. There's the old adage, 'forgive, but don't forget'. In this situation, the adage would be 'heal, but don't forgive'.

Sadly for you, you had everything lined up, but couldn't quite convert. You were in a situation where you should have been very confident of having the upper hand and of him feeling regret, and he may have been feeling that way. Look at her, look at him, give him a knowing smile, but be polite and gracious and confident. But clearly the encounter affected you more than it affected him. If you believe that you're prettier than his wife, that's a positive; it's self-defeatest (but not uncommon) to turn that into a negative.

[Gozer]

Originally Posted by JimmytheT

Troutman makes a good point about humans being able to rise above certain base instincts.

I'd like someone to explain to me why the OP's emotions are consistent with an "ugly personality" and some of the other personal attacks for a situation we can all relate to.

Other than other people hiding that they can relate to how she is feeling.

[burn_this_city]

Originally Posted by fotze

There is so much comedy material contained in so many posts here.

Agreed, this has the makings of a classic CP thread.

[Dion]

[quote=Bring_Back_Shantz;1413108]Okay I'll address these points 1 by 1.

1) But they are certainly around, so the point stands, would you date someone that big, or does your threshold stop at 300 lbs?

If someone asked me i'd go. Why not? Gives me a chance to met someone else. And it certainly doesn't mean going steady or anything like that. How else are you going to find out about what a person is like.

3) That's good too. I didn't specify why my hypothetical lady had no teeth, maybe she was in a car accident, maybe it's the same case as yours. You seem to be implying that I'm making judgements on the validity of someone as a person based on their looks. That's a totally different topic and one you'll likely not get much arguement on, the point is that you claimed to not classify people in to degrees of physical attractiveness, why she has no teeth is irrelvant to if you find teen attracive or not.

Fair enough. Your further explanation helped me to understand why you made that comment.

4)You claim to not classify degrees of physical attractiveness, but this comment leads me to believe you do. What do you mean by Chemical attracation? If you mean shared interests, having a good time, the kind of things a relationship is based on then of course not having that doesn't mean they're ugly. Every girl I've ever broken up with was because we didn't have those things, and not one of them was ugly. If you mean physical attractiveness I'll agree with that too, as there are a lot of good looking girls that just don't do it for me for some reason or another. But if that is what you mean then you just sunk your own ship.

When i say chemical attraction yeah it's physical attraction. If the person has values, morals, interests, or a personality that doesn't agree with me there won't be any future.

5)Okay, you've established that you're a better person than me, good for you. But what about if you're looking for a longstanding relationship, or marriage. Sex should be a part of that, even if you don't want it, what if she does, and if you don't want to have sex with someone because you don't find them physically attractive then why bother with a romantic relationship? The sex question is valid.

I'm not a better person than you. And nor did i say sex i didn't want to have sex with someone. I just don't believe in taking a gal out on a date and expecting to get laid later that night. That's not what i expect. I would hope the gal i'm dating would have a little respect for her body rather than running off to her friends to brag about her latest conquest. I would hope the sex would be out of love for the person and after the 2 people had a chance to get to know each other. It's the one night stands and wham bam thank you maam's that i disagree with.

[RougeUnderoos]

Originally Posted by JimmytheT

I don't wonder how they have sex, I know how copulation works.

I don't think that was the point (though I'm not speaking for anyone else).

If you see a couple people who have, err, "disproportionate physical attractiveness", you notice. We all do. And you probably think "how did he/she score her/him?"

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by octothorp

Really, I think people are reacting to your original post because your criticism should be directed not at this less beautiful woman, but at this man who, in an overly simplified way, chose her over you.

His wife should have nothing to do with the equation. Once an unrequited love relationship is officially terminated, the unrequitee (you) should have one primary goal. Well, really it's a two-part goal: (a) make the unrequiter feel a strong sense of regret; and (b) make it clear to the unrequiter that he's lost his opportunity.

We were never in a relationship. It was just me fawning over him.
I'm not mad that he didn't choose me. I haven't seen him for 7 years and I'm pretty sure he had chosen someone by now. I was just shocked by the quality of his choice. And because of that those feelings came back.

It's very weird to me.

[JimmytheT]

Originally Posted by octothorp

Really, I think people are reacting to your original post because your criticism should be directed not at this less beautiful woman, but at this man who, in an overly simplified way, chose her over you.

His wife should have nothing to do with the equation. Once an unrequited love relationship is officially terminated, the unrequitee (you) should have one primary goal. Well, really it's a two-part goal: (a) make the unrequiter feel a strong sense of regret; and (b) make it clear to the unrequiter that he's lost his opportunity.

'A' is important because it's a powerful motivator: many people have used someone else's disinterest as a motivation to go on and do great things. Look at Simone de Beauvoir or Jesus Christ or Jennifer Aniston for proof of this.

'B' is important because, well, that's how you win. After the original spurning, there's no real hope that any viable relationship will ever result, no matter how patient or persistent you are. At this point, it's about a very subtle but effective brand of revenge. There's the old adage, 'forgive, but don't forget'. In this situation, the adage would be 'heal, but don't forgive'.

Sadly for you, you had everything lined up, but couldn't quite convert. You were in a situation where you should have been very confident of having the upper hand and of him feeling regret, and he may have been feeling that way. Look at her, look at him, give him a knowing smile, but be polite and gracious and confident. But clearly the encounter affected you more than it affected him. If you believe that you're prettier than his wife, that's a positive; it's self-defeatest (but not uncommon) to turn that into a negative.

So what you are saying is, that everyone in this situation should make it their goal to exact some form of emotional revenge on the person? Either you are joking, or suffer from borderline-personality disorder, and desperately need to see a phsyciatrist.

On the other hand, she could recognize that nothing was ever to materialize between the two of them, be happy for the guy, and get on with her life.

[JimmytheT]

Originally Posted by Gozer

I'd like someone to explain to me why the OP's emotions are consistent with an "ugly personality" and some of the other personal attacks for a situation we can all relate to.

Other than other people hiding that they can relate to how she is feeling.

Okay I will try:

-inabilty to experience joy in life
-inability to empathize with someone's plight or misfortune
-self-annointed superiority complex
-Envious in the true sense of the word i.e. wanting to sabotage/exact revenge on someone simply because they have done better at something
-Assuming you are better than someone because you THINK you look better
-sociopathic tendancies (see my second point)
-Only cares for superficial features and material goods.


Just a few I can think of.

[Hack&Lube]

Somebody marry Girlysports for making this awesome thread already

[4X4]

Originally Posted by JimmytheT

Okay I will try:

-inabilty to experience joy in life
-inability to empathize with someone's plight or misfortune
-self-annointed superiority complex
-Envious in the true sense of the word i.e. wanting to sabotage/exact revenge on someone simply because they have done better at something
-Assuming you are better than someone because you THINK you look better
-sociopathic tendancies (see my second point)
-Only cares for superficial features and material goods.


Just a few I can think of.

Lol. You sound bitter, yourself. Been rejected lately?

[JimmytheT]

Originally Posted by 4X4

Lol. You sound bitter, yourself. Been rejected lately?

No, not at all.

I just responded to the question. I threw out the term "ugly personality", someone asked what I consider to be traits of that term, so I threw out a few.

I am very happy with my wife of two years.

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by fotze

I think the thing is that there was no qualifier to the OP's statement. Something like "I know it was a a gutteral reaction and I am sure she is nice albeit in a plumper package" would have made it sit better for me, maybe realize she should have directed the displeasure at the guy, but there is none of that. That's what takes the shine of the OP for me.

I'm headed towards that but I'm not there yet.
Sorry, can't paint a rosier picture for ya

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by JimmytheT

Okay I will try:

-inabilty to experience joy in life
-inability to empathize with someone's plight or misfortune
-self-annointed superiority complex
-Envious in the true sense of the word i.e. wanting to sabotage/exact revenge on someone simply because they have done better at something
-Assuming you are better than someone because you THINK you look better
-sociopathic tendancies (see my second point)
-Only cares for superficial features and material goods.


Just a few I can think of.

You got all that from one post? You're pretty good

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by 4X4

Some of you guys are just being a-holes. The OP asked a question in a pretty honest way - a way that most of you holier-than-thou people would likely re-phrase to sound a lot more PC.

Agreed. Too many "Holier than Thou" posters in tonnes of threads here (Eg. "I never ever speed over the speed limit and anyone that does should be shipped off to prison", "physical attractiveness never ever plays any role in my decision to date people"). I think a lot of these posts are examples of people's online personas taking on their "Ideal-selves" instead of the people they really are.

I'm sure the OP knows that her reaction comes off as a bit superficial. But it was fishing for other examples where people have had similar thoughts. Heck I've had similar reactions to similar situations before and will again. As such I refuse to be classified as a sub-par human being for such thoughts (especially by people on this forum).

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

[quote=Dion;1413159]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

Okay I'll address these points 1 by 1.



If someone asked me i'd go. Why not? Gives me a chance to met someone else. And it certainly doesn't mean going steady or anything like that. How else are you going to find out about what a person is like.




Fair enough. Your further explanation helped me to understand why you made that comment.



When i say chemical attraction yeah it's physical attraction. If the person has values, morals, interests, or a personality that doesn't agree with me there won't be any future.



I'm not a better person than you. And nor did i say sex i didn't want to have sex with someone. I just don't believe in taking a gal out on a date and expecting to get laid later that night. That's not what i expect. I would hope the gal i'm dating would have a little respect for her body rather than running off to her friends to brag about her latest conquest. I would hope the sex would be out of love for the person and after the 2 people had a chance to get to know each other. It's the one night stands and wham bam thank you maam's that i disagree with.

Okay so you admit that you do find people attractive to varying degrees based on physical appearance. That certainly isn't what you were implying (if not explictly stating) earlier. So if you are justified in making these sorts of distictions why is no one else?

All Girlysports did was state that she's better looking that the dude's wife. Now if she's making that statement implying that she's a better person then I'll agree that she's shallow, but if she's making it on an "All things being equal, and I'm better looking than this chick, then why her?" I'll give her a pass with her "Chicks are crazy like that" card.

[flylock shox]

This totally needs to be a poll.

I have no idea what the poll question should be, but reading this stuff makes me want to vote.

[Hack&Lube]

Originally Posted by JimmytheT

Okay I will try:

-inabilty to experience joy in life
-inability to empathize with someone's plight or misfortune
-self-annointed superiority complex
-Envious in the true sense of the word i.e. wanting to sabotage/exact revenge on someone simply because they have done better at something
-Assuming you are better than someone because you THINK you look better
-sociopathic tendancies (see my second point)
-Only cares for superficial features and material goods.


Just a few I can think of.

I think I have a nice personality but I have all these traits from time to time. We all have to be a little selfish.

I have to agree that physical attraction is hard wired and a large part of initial attraction. Besides, if you want to be around something for a long time, I figure it's better if it's something you want to always look at or can't wait to look at.

[octothorp]

Originally Posted by JimmytheT

So what you are saying is, that everyone in this situation should make it their goal to exact some form of emotional revenge on the person? Either you are joking, or suffer from borderline-personality disorder, and desperately need to see a phsyciatrist.

On the other hand, she could recognize that nothing was ever to materialize between the two of them, be happy for the guy, and get on with her life.

Half joking, but my point is serious: you need to find a way to turn an unrequited relationship into something positive, and that's not always just making nice and wishing them the best. I'm not talking about emotional revenge on the other person; I'm talking about something that's emotionally going to help you feel a sense of closure. Personally, I think it's completely healthy and normal to use such a spurning as a motivator for self-improvement, whether it's "next time I meet someone, I'm going to be an even better person," or whether it's "so-and-so didn't see the potential in me, but I'll prove them wrong."

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

Originally Posted by flylock shox

This totally needs to be a poll.

I have no idea what the poll question should be, but reading this stuff makes me want to vote.

How about:

Do you make judgements on the attractiveness of people?

Answers:

1) Yes, I'm breathing
2) No, I'm blind and have no sense of touch
3) No, but I actually do