newly single

[Yeah_Baby]

Originally Posted by Dion

The divorce rate as it is tells me people are not taking marriage seriously enough. A good friend has been divorced 2 times already.

You're right. Marriage should be a gilded iron cage.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by Dion

The divorce rate as it is tells me people are not taking marriage seriously enough. A good friend has been divorced 2 times already.

MAybe if people would try staying together (living together) for a couple of years before running down the aisle, there'd be less divorces.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by 4X4

MAybe if people would try staying together (living together) for a couple of years before running down the aisle, there'd be less divorces.

It's a shame we don't have statisitics on failed common law relationships. I'm willing to bet it would be on par if not higher than the current divorce rates.

[GreenTeaFrapp]

Originally Posted by Dion

When you have a fight with your partner it's so easy for one or the other to pack up their things and leave. I've had friends go through this and tell me living common law doesn't really prove wether a partner is commited to work things out when things aren't going well in the relationship.

Obviously your friends must not own a lot of stuff!

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by J pold

From my understanding breaking up a common law relationship can be just as if not more difficult than a formal divorce. I thought I read that here one time, I could be wrong however.

Yeah, troutman posted that. But I mean what he would know about these things? We should probably defer to Dion's superior knowledge, as expressed through personal anecdote.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by GreenTeaFrapp

Obviously your friends must not own a lot of stuff!

You assume wrong.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Dion

It's a shame we don't have statisitics on failed common law relationships. I'm willing to bet it would be on par if not higher than the current divorce rates.

And that would prove what exactly?

[Dion]

Originally Posted by rubecube

Yeah, troutman posted that. But I mean what he would know about these things? We should probably defer to Dion's superior knowledge, as expressed through personal anecdote.

Just posting an opinion here. How it makes it superior knowladge is beyond me

[4X4]

Originally Posted by Dion

It's a shame we don't have statisitics on failed common law relationships. I'm willing to bet it would be on par if not higher than the current divorce rates.

How is breaking up the same as failure? The whole reason for not getting married is because you're not entirely sure - yet.

I don't mean to be a dick about this, but you're kind of overlooking my point. I've lived with a couple of girls, and I'm glad that I never gave in to my parents' pressure to go get married. If I did, I can guarantee that I'd be unhappy about the decision, knowing that it was too early/not going to work/was the wrong person/wasn't in love.

Seriously, man. Have you ever broken up with someone? It's not "failure", it's life. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, living with someone is a way to determine whether that's the right person to marry.

[Yeah_Baby]

I suppose if you define happiness as being in a relationship breaking up would be 'failure'. However if that is how you define happiness you're a tragic sad shell of a person.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by rubecube

And that would prove what exactly?

It might prove that living together might not make you better prepaired for marraige

[GreenTeaFrapp]

Originally Posted by 4X4

Seriously, man. Have you ever broken up with someone? It's not "failure", it's life. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, living with someone is a way to determine whether that's the right person to marry.

I suspect that he lives vicariously through his "friends".

[J pold]

Originally Posted by rubecube

Yeah, troutman posted that. But I mean what he would know about these things? We should probably defer to Dion's superior knowledge, as expressed through personal anecdote.

Yeah it's not like that guy is a lawyer or anything.

The more I look at it the less, and less I have any desire to get married.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Dion

It might prove that living together might not make you better prepaired for marraige

How is either one related to the other? Comparing the break up statistics of common law vs. marriage would be pointless. I think the relevant statistic you're looking for would be people who lived together before marriage vs. people who didn't.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by J pold

Yeah it's not like that guy is a lawyer or anything.

The more I look at it the less, and less I have any desire to get married.

I'm the same way. All the power to the people who want to, but I just don't understand the point of it.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by 4X4

How is breaking up the same as failure? The whole reason for not getting married is because you're not entirely sure - yet.

My point wasn't about failure so much as about wether a common law relationship IMO really tells you that you are ready.

I don't mean to be a dick about this, but you're kind of overlooking my point. I've lived with a couple of girls, and I'm glad that I never gave in to my parents' pressure to go get married. If I did, I can guarantee that I'd be unhappy about the decision, knowing that it was too early/not going to work/was the wrong person/wasn't in love.

I understand that some common law relationships don't work and no it's not a failure and nor is a marriage that ends in divorce. My fault for not being clear on that. Things can happen that you don't see coming like my sister finding her husband cheating with another woman.

I was merely trying to point out situations where partners aren't always willing to work things out. My parents had many a nasty fight in thier day but always found a way to work things out. maybe it's part of their generation - I don't know.

Seriously, man. Have you ever broken up with someone? It's not "failure", it's life. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, living with someone is a way to determine whether that's the right person to marry.

Yeah, i've broken up with someone. Just never lived common law with them. I've also never married because i'm too independant and am also not ready to make the commitment to make a marriage work.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by GreenTeaFrapp

I suspect that he lives vicariously through his "friends".

More assumptions?

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Dion

My point wasn't about failure so much as about wether a common law relationship IMO really tells you that you are ready.

So you don't think it's beneficial to live with someone before you decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with them?

[prarieboy]

First of all to Peter12. Breaking up can be really hard, no matter what the reason. It does get better as many have pointed out in this thread. Time heals all wounds.

Originally Posted by rubecube

I'm the same way. All the power to the people who want to, but I just don't understand the point of it.

I like being married. My take on it is there is no bigger compliment you can give to the person you are in love with. It's like standing up in front of the whole world and saying you are the one for me, forever. Feels pretty good to be on the receiving end of that.
Beyond that the legal part is a formality. It could be costly but the process actually considers all parties. Many do not agree with the outcome but a married couple earning while they are together both deserve to a share of those earnings.

Flame me if you want but I've been down that road and at the time wasn't too happy about the way things went. In hindsight it was probably the emotions of the breakup that were causing those feelings.

Back on topic. I predict Peter12 will one day find someone who will make him feel good to the core.

[Mad Mel]

Originally Posted by peter12

This thread has been amazingly therapeutic. Since this seems to be providing so much entertainment to all, I met with her one last time to exchange whatever we had left at each other's places and then said so long for good. Pretty brutal, as you can imagine that basically when I saw her all of the good times we had just came flooding back. So I just shook her hand and away I went.

As many have said, introspection is the route I will be taking. I ain't down for good, but goddamit, still stinks.

Originally Posted by peter12

I got a text message from her sister saying she wants to still stay in touch!

P-12, I'm eight months ahead of you on the ol' breakup curve with the same cause, so here's a few nuggets of wisdom (or something else) to consider.

Tell the sister that you appreciate her friendship and support, but it would just be a bit awkward and would make it harder for you to move on. So you go for a coffee and chat with the sister, what's the question that you're really going to want to ask? "How's my ex doing?" You need to get past thinking about her all the time, and if you're keeping in touch with her life, you'll be comparing it to how it could have been with you. Your mind should be spending its time on more productive exercises. The last thing you need is recurring episodes of what happened when you last met with your ex, even in smaller doses.

When someone cheats, it's over. Don't entertain thoughts of ever getting back together. Today you may have all the best intentions, and your logic tells you that the only right thing is to stay apart. And yet, if given the opportunity, you'd consider it because of the simple fact you love her - we all would. She might say that she's changed, and she might indeed change and you believe that she's changed. But the damage is done, and true forgiveness for that sort of betrayal doesn't happen. Any relationship you have with her would always carry that scar.

Good call on spending time taking a look within. Be aware that it's a short hop over to depression, so you gotta stay on top of how your soul searching is making you feel. One thing that will happen is you will realise what things are very important to you, and that you can't compromise on in a relationship, and you'll see some things in your last relationship that made you more unhappy than you'd care to admit. The next time around will be better for it.

You're only 25, and I say this in a way that isn't trivializing anything about your breakup, because a kick to the balls like that is the same regardless of age. But a truth about myself and I think many men is that the person you are at 25 can change quite a bit in the next few years, and because of that the description of who you want to be with may also change. Use your introspection to not just resolve what you're looking for in someone else, but also in yourself.