Relationship advice - Sticking with Marriage or not

[Peanut]

We don't really have any details. I guess I'm not sure how the last 3 months being excellent is completely derailed by one big fight. And it's not totally clear what y U mean by "going downhill for some time". Downhill because you argue once a quarter, or (presumably) other reasons?

I'd second the counselling/therapy suggestion. Joint sessions or alone, or both. It seems expensive but it's surely cheaper than a divorce. Or if therapy is just too much then maybe a relationship self-help book you could do together like "4 love languages" or similar? I don't really have any good ones to personally suggest but I'm sure there are dozens of options to choose from at Chapters or the library.

Good luck with it!!

[djsFlames]

When people have kids I always hope it means they're going to give their marriage/relationship everything they've got and more before ever calling it quits. It's one thing to bow out cause you're not happy when you're young, live separate lives and it's easy to walk away and sever those ties. When you've made the commitment of starting a family, at that point you shouldn't be allowed to just walk away unless you've done everything humanly possible to keep that family intact. Because at that point it's about more than just you, it's about the kids. Their perception of human relationships and the meaning of that is what's at stake at that point. It can royally #### with their lives.

So you'd better give it hell, sir. Compromise, communicate, give more than you did yesterday. It better be option z, as far as I'm concerned. You made this commitment after all.

That's just my opinion on the matter, though.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by Muta

As a single 30's-something guy who does whatever he wants, when he wants... my advice is probably best left out of this thread. BUT - let me be the first to tell you that this side of the white picket fence is downright magical.

I am happy that things are good for you Muta, but OP this isn't always the case. I have had many friends go through divorces, some are smooth(ish) most are not.

[snootchiebootchies]

Originally Posted by djsFlames

When people have kids I always hope it means they're going to give their marriage/relationship everything they've got and more before ever calling it quits. It's one thing to bow out cause you're not happy when you're young, live separate lives and it's easy to walk away and sever those ties. When you've made the commitment of starting a family, at that point you shouldn't be allowed to just walk away unless you've done everything humanly possible to keep that family intact. Because at that point it's about more than just you, it's about the kids. Their perception of human relationships and the meaning of that is what's at stake at that point. It can royally #### with their lives.

So you'd better give it hell, sir. Compromise, communicate, give more than you did yesterday. It better be option z, as far as I'm concerned. You made this commitment after all.

That's just my opinion on the matter, though.

To save a marriage, you need both parties who are willing to give it everything they got. Sometimes though, you end up in a marriage where one person does all the heavy lifting.

[CliffFletcher]

Originally Posted by Peanut

We don't really have any details. I guess I'm not sure how the last 3 months being excellent is completely derailed by one big fight. And it's not totally clear what y U mean by "going downhill for some time". Downhill because you argue once a quarter, or (presumably) other reasons?

Yeah, I'm not sure what to make of that either. Judging by the couples I know, if your marriage is happy 75 per cent of the time and unhappy 25 per cent of the time, you're doing pretty well. The notion that marriage is unrelenting happiness (or even contentment) is a fantasy. Especially once kids enter the picture. They're a source of a lot of joy, but also a tremendous amount of stress. I don't know of any marriages that didn't go through a rocky patch when the kids were under 5.

Originally Posted by djsFlames

When people have kids I always hope it means they're going to give their marriage/relationship everything they've got and more before ever calling it quits. It's one thing to bow out cause you're not happy when you're young, live separate lives and it's easy to walk away and sever those ties. When you've made the commitment of starting a family, at that point you shouldn't be allowed to just walk away unless you've done everything humanly possible to keep that family intact. Because at that point it's about more than just you, it's about the kids.

And even if you do get divorced, remember that it's still about the kids. Don't do what a buddy of mine did and decide that after a divorce he could go back to living like a 30 year old and shunt family life to a nuisance every second weekend. And then have the gall to complain about paying child support. Be an adult and take full responsibility for raising your kids.

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by Peanut

We don't really have any details. I guess I'm not sure how the last 3 months being excellent is completely derailed by one big fight. And it's not totally clear what y U mean by "going downhill for some time". Downhill because you argue once a quarter, or (presumably) other reasons?

I'd second the counselling/therapy suggestion. Joint sessions or alone, or both. It seems expensive but it's surely cheaper than a divorce. Or if therapy is just too much then maybe a relationship self-help book you could do together like "4 love languages" or similar? I don't really have any good ones to personally suggest but I'm sure there are dozens of options to choose from at Chapters or the library.

Good luck with it!!

5 Love Languages isn't very useful IMO.

5 Apology languages on the other hand, extremely useful. There's a free online quiz to determine apology language. Takes about 5-10 minutes to complete. Worth doing sometime as an eye opening experience. It's applicable towards friends as well as family. I personally don't think anyone really needs to buy the book after doing the online quiz and reading the explanations for each apology language.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/

The difference between the styles are probably a minute or less, but can resolve situations where it seems like the other person is holding a grudge (when in reality it they probably feel like the apology isn't genuine and thus the issue isn't fully resolved). Anecdotally, it did help me to finally resolve a conflict outstanding for 8 months because the other party didn't feel the situation had been properly resolved.

A word of warning though, doing this test and understanding how the apology languages work does mean you can also learn how to push buttons on purpose to really piss someone off. This may or may not help with spuzzum's marital situation, but IMO apology languages are useful to know based on any regular interaction with other individuals.

I agree. I also don't get how a single fight can derail 3 months of excellent. Perhaps it's hope that the situation isn't as far gone as first perceived?

[spuzzum]

Thanks to everyone posting thus far. From my original post, I am interested if people want to share their experiences and offer advice - good or bad. We are a community here on CP made up of a large percentage of adult males.

Marriages are never perfect as a few people have illustrated. Our last three months were pretty normal - not many arguments or disagreements - back to going out on date nights or just hanging out lots together watching a movie or doing a sporting activity together. Unfortunately, she can get pretty upset and it can last for days and sometimes weeks. It certainly causes a lot of undue stress and unhappiness.

We've done the therapy thing over the years and it helps but at what point do you just say enough is enough. The financial aspect and decision is huge for a guy - I'd be left with 25% of my earnings most likely. That aspect certainly does not appeal. Money doesn't bring happiness but being broke for the next 10 years is not an option.

[spuzzum]

Dual post

[Itse]

If I was to give advice, I'd say this; what ever happens with the marriage happens. What's important is getting back to good, honest communication. Counseling might help or it might not, but in any case you'll need good communication whether you stay married or get a divorce. Ex's can still make each other miserable if they can't communicate, especially if they're trying to share kids.

Make sure the problem is really the marriage and not something else, like people working too hard or never having the chance to do have some fun away from the house and the spouse. Be honest about how you feel and what you think would help, and be fair and really listen when the other person tries to talk about their stuff.

Also, make time to talk about your problems during the day. Lots of married couples only ever really talk after the kids have gone to sleep, and that's a terrible habit. Most likely both are tired at that point, and tired people are just bad at communicating. They get overly emotional and angry and miserable, and have poor memory of what was actually said.

[Traditional_Ale]

When one takes into account the statistical probability of divorce combined with the financial ramifications of said it astounds me that people still choose to get married. It just doesn't make sense in the slightest.

[GGG]

Originally Posted by Traditional_Ale

When one takes into account the statistical probability of divorce combined with the financial ramifications of said it astounds me that people still choose to get married. It just doesn't make sense in the slightest.

So do you just never move in with someone. You Common law yourself within 6 months.

It is surprising that Pre-Nups are not more common if you have any assets when you get married

[CliffFletcher]

Originally Posted by Traditional_Ale

When one takes into account the statistical probability of divorce combined with the financial ramifications of said it astounds me that people still choose to get married. It just doesn't make sense in the slightest.

It's not that dire. 40 per cent of first marriages fail. And that number is lower if both parties have post-secondary education. As for the financial ramifications, they're pretty much just an unwinding of the benefits of combining incomes in the first place.

[Mister Yamoto]

Leave her.

[Kjesse]

Heard in the elevator a couple years ago:

One person to another (and so we all could hear), "You know why divorce is expensive?"
Second person, "Why?"
Response: "Because its worth it."

If you're at that point... well, you're at that point. Otherwise, stick it out unless the relationship itself is harming the children.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by GGG

So do you just never move in with someone. You Common law yourself within 6 months.

It is surprising that Pre-Nups are not more common if you have any assets when you get married

Common law and marriage aren't the same thing though. There are some important differences.

[WhiteTiger]

I'd echo a lot of what's been said in here already. I've been through a divorce, and have been married for 8 years now, too. My parents divorced when I was 11. Kids know more than you think...but they get over more/faster, too, if they are allowed to.

The biggest thing, as I can see some folks have said, is communication, and that it's a 2 way street. You can't have one partner doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship all the time. Both people have to want it. If one does and one doesn't...it's really just a matter of time.

As to the kids...no matter how bitter you may end towards her if you do split, don't take it out on the kids. Don't use them as go-betweens. Always consider taking the higher or 'highest' road when it comes to your dealings with her over them. In my line of work, I see way too often ex's for whom the kids are pawns to use against the other ex. It heartbreakingly sad. There are times I have found myself wondering "Wow, why couldn't these two adults act like responsible, caring parents for the 5 minutes they see each other for their kids sake?"

[GGG]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

Common law and marriage aren't the same thing though. There are some important differences.

Interesting, I was under the impression that outside of proving it there was no difference in terms of financial terms of splitting

[Kjesse]

Originally Posted by GGG

So do you just never move in with someone. You Common law yourself within 6 months.

This is a misconception.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by GGG

Interesting, I was under the impression that outside of proving it there was no difference in terms of financial terms of splitting

Depends on whether there is a kid.

But assuming it's just a couple, the major difference is that property isn't split, unless your partner can show unjust enrichment, like if they paid for the renovations or whatever.

In Alberta it takes 3 years to be common law, although they call it by a different name, and for federal tax purposes it is 1 year.

[Kjesse]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

In Alberta it takes 3 years to be common law...

Again, a misconception. I don't mean to just disagree for the sake of it, but, there is no magic point in time you become common law in the eyes of the law. Its dependent upon many variables, according to those I've spoken with whom practice family law. You can be common-law right away in some cases. In other cases, never.