Relationship advice - Sticking with Marriage or not

[curves2000]

I am a single guy in my early 30's so take what I say with a grain a salt but here are some potential considerations I would look into. Culturally where I am from, divorce is very rare as we believe strongly in the family unit and religiously it's important for families to try and stay together if its at all possible.

1) Are the sources of serious tension in the marriage that difficult to overcome? Are there any potential building blocks to which you can try and rebuild SLOWLY?

2) I am not suggesting YOUR not trying but ensure that your checking off some boxes on what your partner may want changed or altered on your end. Some things can and can't be changed, its a matter if the other person can live with it.

3) I am surprised this isn't ever brought up more but how comfortable are you having your children parented or disciplined by someone else if in the future your current partner finds someone else? I see this all the time and it would personally enrage me to have another man discipline or parent my child if my previous partner remarried or lived with another man.

4) Be open, honest and loving with your partner and ask your self if you will both be happier being separated and than seeing other people? Will you both just end up making the necessary changes with someone else and POTENTIALLY avoided this entire situation with all that it entails? heartache, stress, financial consideration etc?

How many people on CP know people who have lost weight, quit drinking/smoking, gambling, stopped being abusive, worked less, reduced stress and genuinely been more loving and caring to SOMEONE else, rather than their current partner? I know plenty.

I do believe that people should be happy in their marriages as best as possible and if it doesn't work, than end it. I also do believe that a huge portion of divorces could be avoided and I truly believe it should be a last resort, but sadly that's not the case for all.

Sorry about the long post and don't take anything I said with any offense. All the best to you and the family with whatever you decide.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by Kjesse

Again, a misconception. I don't mean to just disagree for the sake of it, but, there is no magic point in time you become common law in the eyes of the law. Its complicated, according to those I've spoken with whom practice family law.

Well according to the government of Alberta it is 3 years unless you have a child or sign an AIP agreement. I don't see how that's a misconception.

[Kjesse]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

Well according to the government of Alberta it is 3 years unless you have a child or sign an AIP agreement. I don't see how that's a misconception.

The legislation you are talking about does not even use the words common-law. Common-law means literally that, there is no statute which says you're married but the common law will treat you as such in some cases.

You are referring to the Adult Interdependent Relationship Act which, and not to split hairs, but it is an effort codify the former vague rules of common law relationships. That Act says that after 3 years, you are an "interdependent partner".... but only if certain things are present in the relationship during those three years. The Act while well meaning leaves a lot open for interpretation.

[afc wimbledon]

I was in a grimly bad marriage for 14 years, the divorce was, for me, an absolute god send, it wasn't for my daughter, I was the stable parent, my ex a wack job and once out of the house I was unable to manage any of that, my daughter got to deal with the full weight of a bi polar parent.

If I could have managed it I would have kept it together for another 10 years so my daughter could have had more stable teen's, wasn't possible, wasn't my choice.
My daughters fine and thinks she was better off being able to bail to my house when things got too crazy at mums, I logged hundreds of thousands of km's on the truck making sure I saw her every day either for lunch or overnights (sharing custody)
I dated casually but no girlfriend met my daughter and it killed pretty well every relationship until my girl had grown up. None of which I regret, in the end I made the best of a bad situation and my daughters fine but if you are going to be a good dad, one way or the other, in the marriage or out you have to put your own needs aside and put your kids first.

[dissentowner]

The question you need to ask yourself is not should I stay for the sake of the kids but do you still want to be with your partner? If there is something still there than go to therapy and figure out what you each need to change to get the magic back. If you two are at the point where you never get along, loath each other, and disagree just for the sake of disagreeing it is not worth staying together. Your children will understand better than you think as others have said. Nobody ends up happy if you stay together just for the kids sake.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Try running through an exercise called the sad movie.

Sit down with your wife and describe the sad movie that has been your marriage. Cover any single thing that has caused even the slightest feeling of resentment during your relationship and allow her to do the same. Don't judge what is being said or heard during the exercise.

Powerful technique.

Shouts to people giving advice while also saying not to listen to advice on the internet. But as many have said there really isn't much to go on from your OP, so specific advice is not really possible. What I've offered you is one way to begin clearing resentment from a relationship which is the main cause of the end of a marriage.

[rotten42]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

I was in a grimly bad marriage for 14 years, the divorce was, for me, an absolute god send, it wasn't for my daughter, I was the stable parent, my ex a wack job and once out of the house I was unable to manage any of that, my daughter got to deal with the full weight of a bi polar parent.

If I could have managed it I would have kept it together for another 10 years so my daughter could have had more stable teen's, wasn't possible, wasn't my choice.
My daughters fine and thinks she was better off being able to bail to my house when things got too crazy at mums, I logged hundreds of thousands of km's on the truck making sure I saw her every day either for lunch or overnights (sharing custody)
I dated casually but no girlfriend met my daughter and it killed pretty well every relationship until my girl had grown up. None of which I regret, in the end I made the best of a bad situation and my daughters fine but if you are going to be a good dad, one way or the other, in the marriage or out you have to put your own needs aside and put your kids first.

We have a lot in common my friend.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

Judging by the couples I know, if your marriage is happy 75 per cent of the time and unhappy 25 per cent of the time, you're doing pretty well.

I'm not sure, but being unhappy 25% of the time might qualify for depression?

[pseudoreality]

Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy

Try running through an exercise called the sad movie.

Sit down with your wife and describe the sad movie that has been your marriage. Cover any single thing that has caused even the slightest feeling of resentment during your relationship and allow her to do the same. Don't judge what is being said or heard during the exercise.

Powerful technique.

Shouts to people giving advice while also saying not to listen to advice on the internet. But as many have said there really isn't much to go on from your OP, so specific advice is not really possible. What I've offered you is one way to begin clearing resentment from a relationship which is the main cause of the end of a marriage.

That sounds like a good way to ruin any marriage. Do you do that on festivus? If there's a big thing that you are hopeful can be changed, then yes, talk about it, but bringing up every little thing that bugs you is a horrible idea. Sometimes you just need to let it go.

[CliffFletcher]

Originally Posted by troutman

I'm not sure, but being unhappy 25% of the time might qualify for depression?

I didn't mean each party is unhappy 25 per cent of the time. I meant the relationship goes through rough patches 25 per cent of the time. Arguing. Dissatisfaction. Talking with my friends, things are considered pretty good on the home front if there hasn't been an argument or a period of frustration for a month. If there are couples out there who go months on end with arguing or resenting their partners, it's news to me.

[CorsiHockeyLeague]

Originally Posted by troutman

I'm not sure, but being unhappy 25% of the time might qualify for depression?

Um, what? Depression isn't "being unhappy a lot". It's a neurological condition.

[blankall]

Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy

Try running through an exercise called the sad movie.

Sit down with your wife and describe the sad movie that has been your marriage. Cover any single thing that has caused even the slightest feeling of resentment during your relationship and allow her to do the same. Don't judge what is being said or heard during the exercise.

Powerful technique.

Shouts to people giving advice while also saying not to listen to advice on the internet. But as many have said there really isn't much to go on from your OP, so specific advice is not really possible. What I've offered you is one way to begin clearing resentment from a relationship which is the main cause of the end of a marriage.

This is just an awful idea. Is bringing up that fight you got into about 5 years over the dishes really constructive in a troubled relationship?

[troutman]

Originally Posted by CorsiHockeyLeague

Um, what? Depression isn't "being unhappy a lot". It's a neurological condition.

Yes, I think you are correct to distinguish depression from sadness. Could have phrased my question better.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-...-is-depression

[Slava]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

I didn't mean each party is unhappy 25 per cent of the time. I meant the relationship goes through rough patches 25 per cent of the time. Arguing. Dissatisfaction. Talking with my friends, things are considered pretty good on the home front if there hasn't been an argument or a period of frustration for a month. If there are couples out there who go months on end with arguing or resenting their partners, it's news to me.

I might be in the extreme minority, but I do. I don't really harbour any resentment or anything towards my wife and we don't really argue ever. If we ever have anything that might be a source of disagreement we just talk about it and that's the end of that. I might be naïve, or sadly uninformed, but I would think my wife feels the same way.

I'm not suggesting that we always agree on every single thing, but I just couldn't handle having one week a month where things were frustrating or whatever.

[Oling_Roachinen]

Originally Posted by spuzzum

CP folk aren't random. We have a common interest in hockey - and all are outstanding citizens. Pun aside, I understand your comment as it's completely logical.

What pun?

[CliffFletcher]

Originally Posted by Slava

I might be in the extreme minority, but I do. I don't really harbour any resentment or anything towards my wife and we don't really argue ever. If we ever have anything that might be a source of disagreement we just talk about it and that's the end of that. I might be naïve, or sadly uninformed, but I would think my wife feels the same way.

I'm not suggesting that we always agree on every single thing, but I just couldn't handle having one week a month where things were frustrating or whatever.

Do you have kids?

[pseudoreality]

Originally Posted by Muta

As a single 30's-something guy who does whatever he wants, when he wants... my advice is probably best left out of this thread. BUT - let me be the first to tell you that this side of the white picket fence is downright magical.

I'm married 30-something with two daughters and my life is pretty sweet. I have three beautiful faces telling me they love me every day. Okay, one can't talk yet, but she will.

My divorced best friend with kids tells me he feels like Milhouse's dad. My divorced friend without kids does get with a lot of different women. A couple of them were even 8's, but most of them were 6's and there's at least one 4 that I know of. He tells me he really misses being married and I was terrified of his wife for six years. So I really don't think it's great on the other side of the fence.

Oh, and my former boss never got married. He spent his entire life in either the office or the pub. He just had a heart attack and will likely die alone soon. He was actually the motivation for me to marry my girlfriend many years ago. One summer she traveled lots for work. So I spent too many nights at the pub. I looked around at the sad old men there and decided I did not want to be one of them.

[pseudoreality]

Originally Posted by Slava

I might be in the extreme minority, but I do. I don't really harbour any resentment or anything towards my wife and we don't really argue ever. If we ever have anything that might be a source of disagreement we just talk about it and that's the end of that. I might be naïve, or sadly uninformed, but I would think my wife feels the same way.

I'm not suggesting that we always agree on every single thing, but I just couldn't handle having one week a month where things were frustrating or whatever.

There are others like us too. I've been with my wife for 10 years (married 5) and we are on the same page 95% of the time. The 5% of the time we aren't, it's no big deal. My wife and I are both easy going, honest people. I was once told I have an amazing talent of being able to tell people off without offending them. For example, if someone at work has a stupid idea, I just point why its a stupid idea and move on. I don't make it personal, but I also don't dance around the issue being sensitive the person's emotions.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

Do you have kids?

Yeah we have kids, and they're far from little angels!

[GGG]

Originally Posted by blankall

This is just an awful idea. Is bringing up that fight you got into about 5 years over the dishes really constructive in a troubled relationship?

If you feel resentment from a fight 5 years ago over dishes then yes you should bring it up.

The goal of an activity like this is to find patterns of behaviour that you do that cause resentment in the other person. Then you get to decide if you want to fix those behaviours by one of the parties changing. And that change is hard work.

In general marriages break down because people can't / aren't willing to change who they are and who they are causes resentment in the other person. So to decide whether or not to stay married you need to identify all of these stress points and decide if they are deal breakers.