Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinordi
The paranoid pessimist part of me is asking what the recovery rate is from these injuries? Is Bennett already damaged goods?
|
Actually, nobody has ever recovered from one of these injuries. You see, Bennett is suffering from an advanced case of trapezius interruptus. His arm is almost completely detached from his body. It's hanging on by a flap of skin and a bit of chewing gum that he used to keep it from flopping around. Four of his fingers have already turned green, and he smells like the third month of a city garbage strike. His thumb still shows signs of life, and wiggles independently, but that may just be the colony of Tanzanian salami maggots that have taken up residence in the knuckles.
The only known treatment for this dread condition is to amputate everything from the neck down.
Prognosis: Bennett's head will spend several weeks rehabbing in a jar, but should be ready to resume full physical contact before Christmas. About that time, he will announce that he is changing sports, and expects to have a long and illustrious career as a curling rock.
There. Doesn't it feel good to get all the panic out of your system at once?