The parent help thread

[chemgear]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

The solution is very obvious.

1. Get a vasectomy.

2. Don't tell your wife.

3. Agree to try to have a fourth child.

4. Enjoy.

Originally Posted by powderjunkie

5. She's pregnant?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[edslunch]

There are increased health risks with older mothers. Something to consider.

[The Big Chill]

Personally I think both parents need to be a resounding ‘yes’ before having a kid. Parenting is so ####ing hard at times that I think I’d end up feeling resentful towards my wife or kid on the 200th night in a row of waking up at 2am when I didn’t want to be doing this in the first place.

If you do decide yes though, make sure you decide for yourself and get rid of any of those potential resentful feelings.

That being said, I’m not speaking from a position of experience here because my wife and I were done after 2 kids due to medical reasons.

[81MC]

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calga...dren-1.6956633

Daughters school closed, no idea what that protocol looks like in terms of length. Thank god no symptoms, but that’s an awful lot of kids getting pretty damn sick. Fingers crossed for the next few days I guess.

[CroFlames]

Was just looking for some perspectives, so thanks for the replies. I'm not a "hard no" on having another baby, I'm just not excited at the prospect of even more work.

[bagofpucks]

Originally Posted by 81MC

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calga...dren-1.6956633

Daughters school closed, no idea what that protocol looks like in terms of length. Thank god no symptoms, but that’s an awful lot of kids getting pretty damn sick. Fingers crossed for the next few days I guess.

Oh man, that is brutal. Hope your crew is ok. Feel terrible for all the sick kids and their families.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by edslunch

There are increased health risks with older mothers. Something to consider.

Be sure to lead with this and let us know how it goes.

Oversimplification incoming, but it sounds to me like if you don't have the kid you'll feel incredibly guilty for not giving her what she wants, but if you do have the kid, you might be resentful of her. I believe the general advice is if you must choose between guilt and resentment, you go guilt every single time.

But ya, having a kid is probably something that should be a resounding "yes" from both sides.

[D as in David]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

Was just looking for some perspectives, so thanks for the replies. I'm not a "hard no" on having another baby, I'm just not excited at the prospect of even more work.

What are the gaps in ages of your current crew and how old is the youngest? My late-wife and I had our oldest two close together and then the third six years after the second one. In hindsight, it would likely have been easier to have had a fourth one close in age to the third one so that he would have had a close sibling growing up. It would have made being a single parent infinitely easier.

[CroFlames]

All three are fairly close in age (6-5-2.5). So the 4th would be about 3-4 years younger than the current youngest.

We were unofficially done at three, but again, she's caught the baby fever, but she's also not firmly in "lets have another" camp. She has her reservations about body changes, waking up though the night, labor, etc. I told her that if we are going for a 4th, it's now or never so that they all are close in age. The 2.5 year old is just recently potty trained, so I'm out of diapers for now, and that is a weird feeling.

[D as in David]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

All three are fairly close in age (6-5-2.5). So the 4th would be about 3-4 years younger than the current youngest.

We were unofficially done at three, but again, she's caught the baby fever, but she's also not firmly in "lets have another" camp. She has her reservations about body changes, waking up though the night, labor, etc. I told her that if we are going for a 4th, it's now or never so that they all are close in age. The 2.5 year old is just recently potty trained, so I'm out of diapers for now, and that is a weird feeling.

New baby or not, you can't discount that this may be in your longer-term future.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

All three are fairly close in age (6-5-2.5). So the 4th would be about 3-4 years younger than the current youngest.

We were unofficially done at three, but again, she's caught the baby fever, but she's also not firmly in "lets have another" camp. She has her reservations about body changes, waking up though the night, labor, etc. I told her that if we are going for a 4th, it's now or never so that they all are close in age. The 2.5 year old is just recently potty trained, so I'm out of diapers for now, and that is a weird feeling.

My wife wanted a 3rd child.

I would randomly wake her up at odd hours of the night to remind her how enjoyable a baby is, we have 2 children.

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

Was just looking for some perspectives, so thanks for the replies. I'm not a "hard no" on having another baby, I'm just not excited at the prospect of even more work.

I mean, like... I've heard more kids at 3+ gets super easy. Supposedly if the kids are older, you train them to take care of each other after a certain point. It's like child labour nannies and baby sitters... But I don't know how much of that is true and how much of it is bull#### and how much of that is denial from those with a lot of kids.

I mean, it also depends on why your wife wants another. If it's the baby smell and stuff like that, start offering to help new parents by playing with their kids more so that the parents can get a breather. If it's to address the fact the kids are becoming more self sufficient and she wants someone close, then perhaps not. I've heard of a pet becoming kid #3+ in a scenario like this.

I think you're kinda aware of it but can't put your finger down to identify it, but figure out if this #4 thing is a temporary feeling or an actual long term thing. Delaying it is an option, especially if you can pawn off a ton of the responsibilities to a child who is older. If your kids were closer in age, this wasn't an option. But if there's a bit more of a gap, it's easier to do stuff like, "Hey, go fetch this for me." or "Take this to mom" or "Take care of your sibling while we do this thing" etc.

I also don't know if you have a "the window is in the next 18 months" scenario or if you can choose to wait 24-36 months to revisit the issue and see what happens. Having a kid at an advanced age has risks, which is why I wonder if there's a time concern.

Also, what do you drive? If you're going from 5 total to 6 and you're not in a/multiple vehicle(s) that comfortably seats 6, that's a consideration that needs to be addressed. It also depends on whether the grandparents like piling into the same vehicle as mine/in-laws do. I'm basically maxed out vehicle wise unless I decide to buy/rent a tour bus for those scenarios.

If after pointing out these considerations that need to be addressed before having a 4th, and the idea isn't dead in the water, I think it'll give you insight whether this is a short term thing or a long term thing for your wife. I think just highlighting the facts objectively that another kid is an uphill battle will be enough.

My wife does a little of the same because she wants to play with babies. But she is not interested in rearing a kid and often laments about how we didn't realize it was so much easier with just one vs two, so I know it's just a temporary phase and not an actual desire for another. Also, I've had my vasectomy, so we aren't having another unless fate intervenes.

[bizaro86]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

You should have the 4th kid, because it’s unlikely you’ll get a government pension at this point and having 4 kids increases the chances that you’ll have a child successful enough to take care of you.

If everyone had more kids the government pensions would be fine.

[CroFlames]

Are you saying it's my patriotic duty to bang?

[Fuzz]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

Are you saying it's my patriotic duty to bang?

If you care about the health of government pensions. it's a unique group to join.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Originally Posted by CroFlames

Are you saying it's my patriotic duty to bang?

It'd be downright un-Canadian not to!

[D as in David]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

It'd be downright un-Canadian not to!

The beaver is Canada's national animal for a reason.

[indes]

We're 8 months into child #3 and I already feel like I'm stretched thin giving each one the attention they need. I couldn't imagine trying to split my time 4 ways, in fact I'm not even sure what 3 ways is going to look like when they all have different activities.

I am a hard no on #4 for us. Starting over a third time was hard enough, and we still haven't developed our basement yet so we have enough bedrooms for everyone. Just a logistical nightmare.

[photon]

Just make em all have to take the same activity.

They all have to be in your band.

[bdubbs]

Have 5 or even 6 so you can field a whole opening lineup for the Flames in 2040.