how to motivate and inspire your kids!

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

Madisonbtb, in reading your post, I'm intrigued by your son's interest in taking apart electronic things. It reminds me of a friend I grew up with who was fixing radios and tv's at 12. He also wasn't that great in school. His father was an electronic engineer, and started teaching him about these things at a very young age. He eventually became a top-notch electrical engineer.

he is really good at it. when we first brought him home, i had a make-up mirror that was broke. you know the ones that light up? well i had thrown it away and he comes to me "mama, i have?" i'm thinking what the heck, go for it kid. i kid you not, 10 minutes later he comes to me smiling "see, mama, i fix" and damn if that thing didn't work. i don't know if it was some loose wire or what, but it works just fine now. he starts taking apart other toys or gadgets, removing little motors and putting them into other things. he took some little toy car and rigged up a 9-volt battery and a motor. my brother works for nasa and he had bought him an electronic experiment set a couple years back. the kind that has a book full of a couple hundred experiments. you move different circuits around and you get it to do different things. he really liked that, but it only holds his attention for awhile. my husband is an electrician, so he's shown him how to rewire some stuff. we've talked with him about engineering or even architecture. he likes the idea, but not enough to do the work to get there (at least at this point in his life). both of those professions require college. right now we are just hoping he can make it through high school. i wish i knew someone around here that was in engineering, maybe they would show him around and maybe see if that interests him.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by badnarik

madisontbt, have you tried something like radio-controlled cars? Get him a high quality kit that he can build, take apart, upgrade, etc. It can be an expensive hobby, but maybe it will motivate him to earn some money too.

hmmm now there is a thought, i will check into that. after responding to the last post, it got me to thinking about a toy my brother had as a kid -- an erector set. i wonder if they still make those?

thanks, everyone! i feel kind of stupid for unloading all these problems to a group of people who don't even know me. just know that i appreciate your comments.

[Iowa_Flames_Fan]

Originally Posted by madisonbtb

i appreciate your kind words, but i don't consider us doing anything heroic. he has done more for us than we could ever do for him. we had pretty much given up on having kids and one day i happened to be on the internet and ran across this little boys picture. i knew INSTANTLY that he was my son. i knew nothing about him, how old he was, or even where he lived. it wasn't until the next day i found out. that was in january of 2004 and he was home with us in september. there wasn't any thought in my mind ever of having to help this child or "saving" him. it was simply he was my son and we just needed to get him home. we knew we would be facing challenges with his age. but even knowing what i know now, i would do it again in a heartbeat.

That's actually, if you'll forgive my being maudlin for a second, a really beautiful story. As a parent, I know that lighting-bolt of recognition well--and I'm happy to hear that it can happen for adoptive parents too. I have friends who are looking into international adoption, and I'll definitely tell them about your experience. If you have any words of advice about the process, I'll definitely pass those along too.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by Iowa_Flames_Fan

That's actually, if you'll forgive my being maudlin for a second, a really beautiful story. As a parent, I know that lighting-bolt of recognition well--and I'm happy to hear that it can happen for adoptive parents too. I have friends who are looking into international adoption, and I'll definitely tell them about your experience. If you have any words of advice about the process, I'll definitely pass those along too.

more than happy to help. my email address is infimo@msn.com. if you want to pass that along, i'll do what i can to answer any questions, fears, concerns. i can give them general advice on adopting, the process, some of the agencies. i can be more specific if they are looking at russia. there are a ton of internet boards that have current adopters and seasoned adopters for every country, many have multiple sites, that i can point them to. those were great resources during the process.

[4X4]

I was always fairly motivated, but I think it was because when I was 10 or so, my dad brought me with him to an old friend's house. This guy was a scary looking biker with a handlebar mustache and a beer in his gigantic hand.

We were there to look at a dirtbike he had lying around. My dad had bribed me with a dirtbike if I got certain grades.

We hung out in the garage for what seemed like eternity while my dad and his friend recounted stories from high school. A few of them were funny, but really, I just wanted to go play nintendo or do anything but hang out with these two, in this dingy little garage with ugly women on the walls.

On the way home, we had a little chat. I can't remember how this conversation was started, but the lesson was pretty clear... That old friend of his was one of the smartest guys he knew. The reason why he lived in a crappy old trailer and was starved for attention was because he was not willing to do the work necessary to succeed in life. Of course, my dad phrased it a little more eloquently.


Anyway, the scare tactic worked. Probably because it seemed unitentional. From then on, anytime I didn't want to work a little harder, I'd think about that guy and how much I didn't want to be like him.

[habernac]

an excellent thread. I don't have to worry about this for awhile as my boy is only 20 months old, but it's something I constantly think about. My parents were great in that they pretty much left us alone. But I think they could have been a little tougher on me for stuff like school work, etc. The resources were always there for me, I just didn't care to use them. I'm a little better as I get older, but some of the laziness remains.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by 4X4

I was always fairly motivated, but I think it was because when I was 10 or so, my dad brought me with him to an old friend's house. This guy was a scary looking biker with a handlebar mustache and a beer in his gigantic hand.

We were there to look at a dirtbike he had lying around. My dad had bribed me with a dirtbike if I got certain grades.

We hung out in the garage for what seemed like eternity while my dad and his friend recounted stories from high school. A few of them were funny, but really, I just wanted to go play nintendo or do anything but hang out with these two, in this dingy little garage with ugly women on the walls.

On the way home, we had a little chat. I can't remember how this conversation was started, but the lesson was pretty clear... That old friend of his was one of the smartest guys he knew. The reason why he lived in a crappy old trailer and was starved for attention was because he was not willing to do the work necessary to succeed in life. Of course, my dad phrased it a little more eloquently.


Anyway, the scare tactic worked. Probably because it seemed unitentional. From then on, anytime I didn't want to work a little harder, I'd think about that guy and how much I didn't want to be like him.

my son..."sweet he has a dirt bike". lol.
some of us need those firsthand interactions. words don't have much meaning if you can't see the final product. i was always that way. very independent, very stubborn, maybe sometimes too smart for my own good, and pretty argumentative. my parents could talk until they were blue in the face -- it had no affect on me. but seeing or experiencing things firsthand, worked wonders.

[bigtmac19]

Same problem in our house with the motivation, two boys 13 and 19, both very smart.
The 19 year old has been working since he was 13, very motivated to work, currently has 3 jobs, but is working full time, he cannot finish his college course this year because he missed a couple of the main prereq's from his first year. This is a course he wanted very much to take, says he is interested in, but obviously didn't want to put in the effort needed and ended up failing two classes. Drives me crazy. I told him if he decided that this isn't what he wants, thats fine, pick something else, but for crying out loud stop wasting your time and money if it isn't!! So school doesn't do it for him, yet he works like a dog at his jobs. Try to impress upon him that minimum wage jobs are fine for students living at home, but not for someone who wants to be on his own, he needs school for that. Says he knows, but seems to have no desire to change his attitude and put the same work effort in at school that he does at work. Hard to have a lot of input, to a kid that age, since he is technically an adult, most of what I say falls on deaf ears.
Even though it would kill me, I think he needs to be on his own soon, maybe a dose of the real world would drive the point home about what the best path is for him.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Originally Posted by bigtmac19

Same problem in our house with the motivation, two boys 13 and 19, both very smart.
The 19 year old has been working since he was 13, very motivated to work, currently has 3 jobs, but is working full time, he cannot finish his college course this year because he missed a couple of the main prereq's from his first year. This is a course he wanted very much to take, says he is interested in, but obviously didn't want to put in the effort needed and ended up failing two classes. Drives me crazy. I told him if he decided that this isn't what he wants, thats fine, pick something else, but for crying out loud stop wasting your time and money if it isn't!! So school doesn't do it for him, yet he works like a dog at his jobs. Try to impress upon him that minimum wage jobs are fine for students living at home, but not for someone who wants to be on his own, he needs school for that. Says he knows, but seems to have no desire to change his attitude and put the same work effort in at school that he does at work. Hard to have a lot of input, to a kid that age, since he is technically an adult, most of what I say falls on deaf ears.
Even though it would kill me, I think he needs to be on his own soon, maybe a dose of the real world would drive the point home about what the best path is for him.

Sounds like my brother. He got a woman in his life and now things are turning around!

[J pold]

It is not surprising that this dilemma can be solved the same way that the “how to make friends thread” can, of course you could use it as a threat rather than a friendly gesture

Step 1: Cut a hole in a box

[redforever]

Originally Posted by bigtmac19

Same problem in our house with the motivation, two boys 13 and 19, both very smart.
The 19 year old has been working since he was 13, very motivated to work, currently has 3 jobs, but is working full time, he cannot finish his college course this year because he missed a couple of the main prereq's from his first year. This is a course he wanted very much to take, says he is interested in, but obviously didn't want to put in the effort needed and ended up failing two classes. Drives me crazy. I told him if he decided that this isn't what he wants, thats fine, pick something else, but for crying out loud stop wasting your time and money if it isn't!! So school doesn't do it for him, yet he works like a dog at his jobs. Try to impress upon him that minimum wage jobs are fine for students living at home, but not for someone who wants to be on his own, he needs school for that. Says he knows, but seems to have no desire to change his attitude and put the same work effort in at school that he does at work. Hard to have a lot of input, to a kid that age, since he is technically an adult, most of what I say falls on deaf ears.
Even though it would kill me, I think he needs to be on his own soon, maybe a dose of the real world would drive the point home about what the best path is for him.

You hit the nail on the head with your own words here. Time for you to take a breather because the more you harp on the subject, the more things will stay the same.

Our son blew his first year of post secondary schooling too. Came back home, never knew what the heck he wanted to do, worked here, worked there, always a hard worker. Somehow or other, he ended up starting a job with an electrical company, bingo, that is what he liked. Now he is a journeyman electrician, working on his master's, in his own home, doing quite well.

You have to give them time to grow up and find their space and niche in life, especially boys, it does not come as early or as quickly as we would like sometimes.

I would hesitate about just sending yours out on his own right now, you said he is only 19. You and I both know how tough it is out there and while it might be a valuable lesson for him to learn that fact earlier rather than later, it might also drive him to other activities to make ends meet.

Tough as it might be, give him some time and try to lay off on the "lessons" of life game. But at the same time, let him know that whenever he needs to talk or needs your assistance, you are there for him.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by redforever

You hit the nail on the head with your own words here. Time for you to take a breather because the more you harp on the subject, the more things will stay the same.

Our son blew his first year of post secondary schooling too. Came back home, never knew what the heck he wanted to do, worked here, worked there, always a hard worker. Somehow or other, he ended up starting a job with an electrical company, bingo, that is what he liked. Now he is a journeyman electrician, working on his master's, in his own home, doing quite well.

You have to give them time to grow up and find their space and niche in life, especially boys, it does not come as early or as quickly as we would like sometimes.

I would hesitate about just sending yours out on his own right now, you said he is only 19. You and I both know how tough it is out there and while it might be a valuable lesson for him to learn that fact earlier rather than later, it might also drive him to other activities to make ends meet.

Tough as it might be, give him some time and try to lay off on the "lessons" of life game. But at the same time, let him know that whenever he needs to talk or needs your assistance, you are there for him.

is he union at all? my hubby is one of the general foreman (union electrician) at the new power plant they are building across the border in iowa. they have had people from all over the world working on that job. it is slowly winding down now, but there is an ethonol plant next door getting ready to start. casinos multi-million $$ rennovations, banks, condos. if your son is commercial electrician and in need of work - there is a TON of it here. only place in the US that has had continuous work. i'm not sure what scale is there or what he would be paid here, but just a guy on tools makes $29 something per hour. anything before 7am is overtime and anything after 3:30pm is overtime.

[redforever]

Originally Posted by madisonbtb

is he union at all? my hubby is one of the general foreman (union electrician) at the new power plant they are building across the border in iowa. they have had people from all over the world working on that job. it is slowly winding down now, but there is an ethonol plant next door getting ready to start. casinos multi-million $$ rennovations, banks, condos. if your son is commercial electrician and in need of work - there is a TON of it here. only place in the US that has had continuous work. i'm not sure what scale is there or what he would be paid here, but just a guy on tools makes $29 something per hour. anything before 7am is overtime and anything after 3:30pm is overtime.

Nope, he is not union. And in Calgary, he could work 24/7 if he wanted. He does not need or want more work and no longer even takes side jobs except perhaps to help friends out and Mom and Dad when we did our home renovations)) He does commercial and residential, mainly residential right now, high end homes.

He earns over the wages you are talking about too, and in Calgary right now, employers are realizing they have to give benefits to their trade workers in order to retain their services.

[burn_baby_burn]

I have found with my 8 year old daughter that she likes to work in a group. If we are cleaning house or doing yard work. She wants to help and also figures out other jobs or chores that can be done if the task at hand is above her size limitations. But doing things by herself, like emptying the dishwasher, she totally hates. Home work is another story alltogether.

[guzzy]

The fear of repercussion. Put the fear of god into your children. Half of todays societal problems stem from parents being too easy and the fact our justice system is a complete hoax. Timeouts do not work. In some situations they are great. If your two year old picks their nose and wipes it on the neighbour kid, a time out is appropriate. If a two year grabs a flash ligh and cracks his cousin across the back of the head with it, then the kid should get a smack in the arse. I have a friend whose two small boys are hellions. They have the worse temperments I have ever seen of kids that age. One time he started hitting his mother, full out punching her and she gave him a timeout. I wanted to smack her for being stupid. What kind of example does that set for your children. If you hit a girl you might have to stand in a corner. That isn't repercussion. If you hit a girl, especially your mother you should get a smack across something.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by redforever

Nope, he is not union. And in Calgary, he could work 24/7 if he wanted. He does not need or want more work and no longer even takes side jobs except perhaps to help friends out and Mom and Dad when we did our home renovations)) He does commercial and residential, mainly residential right now, high end homes.

He earns over the wages you are talking about too, and in Calgary right now, employers are realizing they have to give benefits to their trade workers in order to retain their services.

alright. just thought i would give the info in case he wanted or needed it. sounds like he is good to go. i had no idea what the market was like there. i figured since there were quite a few canadians on his crews that maybe work was slow, and maybe it is in some areas ???

for the cost of living around here, $29 is really pretty good -- that is just what goes on the checks. i think it is $50 something an hour with benefits figured in. pensions, health, vacation, what not. of course the higher up they get, the more money. that is the thing here with union. either you do commercial or you do residential. and hubby would lose license if he was caught doing side jobs. big money though in side jobs.

[redforever]

Originally Posted by burn_baby_burn

I have found with my 8 year old daughter that she likes to work in a group. If we are cleaning house or doing yard work. She wants to help and also figures out other jobs or chores that can be done if the task at hand is above her size limitations. But doing things by herself, like emptying the dishwasher, she totally hates. Home work is another story alltogether.

Well, we all have some things in life that we like better than others and part of growing up will be realizing we have to do some of those things we dont like.

However, at age 8, how about asking her what she would like better and then trade off doing that for emptying the dishwasher? That way she might feel she had some input into part of her responsibilities?

[bigtmac19]

Originally Posted by redforever

You hit the nail on the head with your own words here. Time for you to take a breather because the more you harp on the subject, the more things will stay the same.

Our son blew his first year of post secondary schooling too. Came back home, never knew what the heck he wanted to do, worked here, worked there, always a hard worker. Somehow or other, he ended up starting a job with an electrical company, bingo, that is what he liked. Now he is a journeyman electrician, working on his master's, in his own home, doing quite well.

You have to give them time to grow up and find their space and niche in life, especially boys, it does not come as early or as quickly as we would like sometimes.

I would hesitate about just sending yours out on his own right now, you said he is only 19. You and I both know how tough it is out there and while it might be a valuable lesson for him to learn that fact earlier rather than later, it might also drive him to other activities to make ends meet.

Tough as it might be, give him some time and try to lay off on the "lessons" of life game. But at the same time, let him know that whenever he needs to talk or needs your assistance, you are there for him.

I know you are absolutely right, that's my biggest challenge to myself right now, is keeping my advice/opinion to myself. Basically I've told him already what I think, so it's up to him now, and I have to trust that he will make the decisions that are right for him. Hopefully I have laid enough groundwork over the years to help him make those choices.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by redforever

Well, we all have some things in life that we like better than others and part of growing up will be realizing we have to do some of those things we dont like.

However, at age 8, how about asking her what she would like better and then trade off doing that for emptying the dishwasher? That way she might feel she had some input into part of her responsibilities?

in our house it was always towels we fought over. we loved folding those. HATED doing the white wash...stupid socks. it was a race to see who got to fold towels and who got stuck with the white wash. ahhh the small thrills in life. lol

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by bigtmac19

I know you are absolutely right, that's my biggest challenge to myself right now, is keeping my advice/opinion to myself. Basically I've told him already what I think, so it's up to him now, and I have to trust that he will make the decisions that are right for him. Hopefully I have laid enough groundwork over the years to help him make those choices.

could you strike a middle road? i'm not saying this could work for everyone, but when i flunked out of college the first time i went and had to move home. my parents charged me rent and before i could move out they made me save 3 months of expenses in a savings account so i could see how much everything would cost. i didn't have much negociating room. it was either school or work/rent. would something like this work for him you think? at least that way he is having to see what it costs, but you still have him there to kind of keep an eye on him.