how to motivate and inspire your kids!

[FlamesPuck12]

Originally Posted by FireFly

Hookers and blow.

Ugh someone always beats me to it...

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by redforever

I dont think rewards as a whole work very well.

Depends what you mean by rewards. Kids are just like you and me and adults and grandparents: we do things for a reward. What's the difference? We project long term for safety and security, they focus on short term gains. You don't recognize theirs, they don't recognize yours. Learn to recognize theirs and yours, and find a way to get them to recognize yours and how theirs conicides with yours.

Connect those 2 dots and you'll figure out how to get them to do what you want them to do

PS: Seriously... get them to read rich dad, poor dad.

[HelloHockeyFans]

I'm sure you already do this Axel, but show extreme interest in their work whether it be their school work or extracurricular activities.

When they come home with an A on their assignment, get excited, give them some cake, celebrate. When they score the winning goal for their soccer team, take them out for ice cream afterwards.

[Sample00]

Originally Posted by redforever

I dont think rewards as a whole work very well. Main problem I feel is the rewards have to keep increasing, changing or getting better to hold the motivation. And they only work to a certain age. Then as most have mentioned above, you have the preteen or teen years and they just dont seem to want to do anything or they do only the minimal amount. I think that is quite natural for that time period in their lives.

Then, I think there are some things in life you just have to do, you should not be rewarded for doing so. Example, taking care of your own personal space, helping out around the house. There might be some things over and above the norm that you can reward them for, in other words, for doing more than is their normal responsibility. I think the main concept to teach kids should be no play till your responsibilities have been met and there should be consequences for not fulfilling your responsibilities.

You know your children better than anyone else and you know your parenting style. It is hard for others to say what to do because they can only perhaps say what did or did not work for them. And there is no one answer meets all, since each of us and each of your children are different. What works for one might not work for the other.

If you are teaching your children morals and manners, and if you are showing by example what a good work ethic is, that will take them a long way in life. I think motivation by and large comes from within. You can only teach and show your children so much, the rest is up to them. I know, we want so much for our children, but until they want it too and until they figure out what they have to do to get it, it simply wont happen.

you know, I think you may be right.
I wish there was a magical answer. Motivation does come from within. You show them the rights from wrongs, lead by example and hope that the motivation comes from what they see and what they are exposed to. I just wish there was some buttons I could push in order to motivate the kids just a wee bit more.

[Sample00]

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

I'm sure you already do this Axel, but show extreme interest in their work whether it be their school work or extracurricular activities.

When they come home with an A on their assignment, get excited, give them some cake, celebrate. When they score the winning goal for their soccer team, take them out for ice cream afterwards.

been there, done that.
but the activity weins(sp) after a while.
we try hard and reward them adequately, but it seems that the reward needs to continually change in order to make it interesting.
please do not misunderstand. I have great kids, they make great moral decision and do well in school, but its the constant battle of getting them to do well in school, motivating them to do homework, cleaning their rooms, etc.. thats where the issues lie.

[The Yen Man]

Originally Posted by TheyCallMeBruce

with a chinese feather duster.

Or the dreaded backscratcher!

[Burninator]

Threats of a merciless beating usually do the trick.

But really, I am not too sure, let's see what I got here. Don't be too enthusiastic about it yourself. Your kids are probably a couple years away from figuring out their dad is a complete dork. You don't want to rush that. I remember people telling me "study and work hard now, and you'll be thankful later" yeah, that never worked. Kids want immediate results and candy/toys, not future financial stability and a broad portfolio. That kind of stuff usually doesn't think in till much later. Don't force them into something their friends will make fun of them for. While you may think macaroni art Monday is the cats pajamas, chances are their friends will not.

[WesternCanadaKing]

Tell them to get a job if they want money? Thats what my step-dad did. That is until I quit my job after I saved up for a trip to Europe.

Now I'm just broke. And need a job.

[CaptainCrunch]

For all of you Star Wars junkies my dad was the Grand Moff Tarkin of parenting. He used the old Tarkin Doctrine

"Rule through the fear of force rather then force itself."

[flamesfever]

I think a lot of young parents today think there kids have to be continually entertained. I would strictly limit time with tv, computer games, etc. I think sometimes kids should be allowed to get bored. Only then, will they start thinking about doing something that interests them and is perhaps more constructive.

I would also try and get them interested in some of the things you, as a parent, are interested in eg. fishing, hunting, hiking, camping, hockey, football etc.

When I was a kid we made our own fun building forts, playing sports (hockey and baseball), going on hikes, playing games (nicky nicky nine doors, simon says, hiding go seek etc.). In some ways we benefited by not having all this modern gadgetry to distract us.

Work never hurts anyone. I had my first job at 12, delivering for a pharmacy. Most of the money went to my parents to pay the orthodontist to fix my teeth. I asked a friend once, who owned a ranch, and was a single parent raising twin boys, "At what age should you start your kids doing chores?" And he thought for a moment and said, "I don't think you can let them go much past six". Some of the jobs you may consider are feeding the pet, making their bed and keeping their room clean, cleaning up after a meal, taking out the garbage etc. I think this helps develop responsibility, increases self worth and may indirectly help their motivation.

[redforever]

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

I'm sure you already do this Axel, but show extreme interest in their work whether it be their school work or extracurricular activities.

When they come home with an A on their assignment, get excited, give them some cake, celebrate. When they score the winning goal for their soccer team, take them out for ice cream afterwards.

Yes, it is great to celebrate our children's achievements. Keep in mind however, not all kids come home with an A on their assignment, nor do all score the winning goal.

So I think we must find a way to celebrate their efforts too because it is the effort that produces the achievement. And we can celebrate their achievements if they are big or small, all count.

[Winsor_Pilates]

Keep your kids active. Healthy kids seem to be more motivated in all regards IMO. Kids who just watch TV and play video games all the time become lazy bums.

Healthy body, healthy mind

[Fozzie_DeBear]

Originally Posted by Winsor_Pilates

Keep your kids active. Healthy kids seem to be more motivated in all regards IMO. Kids who just watch TV and play video games all the time become lazy bums.

Healthy body, healthy mind

Mens sana in corpore sano

Try ditching the TV and computer games for a year...it can't hurt

And make sure they aren't smoking grass...that won't help

[Weiser Wonder]

It's hard to instill motivation. Kids need something to be motivated about and a lot of them couldn't give a hoot about school so long as the do decent. But if they loved football but needed a B average to stay on the team that might motivate them.

People like to see short-term results for their effort, so telling your kid over and over again that their future is at stake is often like speaking to a wall. They just don't care.

I would say the best way to motivate someone is to find something they like to do that naturally motivates them and it will likely rub off on other parts of life.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by Weiser Wonder

It's hard to instill motivation. Kids need something to be motivated about and a lot of them couldn't give a hoot about school so long as the do decent. But if they loved football but needed a B average to stay on the team that might motivate them.

People like to see short-term results for their effort, so telling your kid over and over again that their future is at stake is often like speaking to a wall. They just don't care.

I would say the best way to motivate someone is to find something they like to do that naturally motivates them and it will likely rub off on other parts of life.

As I mentioned in my post, my son is interested in NOTHING. after hockey pretty much fell through, we said you have to find something to do. i don't care if it is underwater basket weaving -- find something. we got nothing. we got shot down on every idea. karate, drama, wrestling, drums, guitar, boy scouts, gymnastics. i thought for sure boy scouts would have interested him. or DRUMS! what kid wouldn't want to bang on drums? my father-in-law use to be a marathon runner so maybe he can help him to start running. i just want him to do something. i realize the hookers and blow is a joke, but i'm almost scared that is where this kid will end up.

right now we haven't supplemented his free time without hockey with tv or anything, b/c he is too busy with homework. tv, ps2, & psp are the only things that have motivated him in the past. and that isn't something i want to keep reinforcing, if you know what i mean. The one thing he really likes to do (and is actually pretty good at it) is taking apart electronics. Not something you can really reward with -- "oh! you got an A, here take the DVD player and take it apart".

he grew up with absolutely nothing, so taking away a toy or misc item only works so well. after a certain point it doesn't matter b/c he never had it growing up to begin with. its like taking away a car when you don't have a license. i'm also of the mindset you shouldn't have to give rewards for everything. somethings you just do b/c that is part of being in a family. he has chores that are his (cleaning room, putting away his dishes, doing his wash) then we have other chores that get $$ (vaccuuming, washing the towels, mowing the lawn, etc). half the $$ goes to paying back his summer school loan (a whole other story) and the other half $$ he gets.

i've never been a parent that feels a child HAS to have all "A's". If a child tries as hard as they possibly can and still gets a "C" or "B" then I'm good with that. But getting C's & B's b/c they don't want to work to get A's which they are capable of getting, just doesn't sit well with me. Waste of talent. We even got to the point of making him do disgusting jobs so he might be able to see what life without an education has in store for him. we had him picking up garbage, picking up dog poop, cleaning toilets. he was grossed out enough to change for a little bit.

Most kids are either good, or at least interested in, sports or school. and one can feed off the other. unfortunately, he is batting zero with either of those. so far he has his looks and his accent -- which the girls REALLY like. so blow and hookers aren't really that far off

(i had to laugh at reggie's comment about military school. he may have said it as a joke but it has crossed our minds. my husband was in the marines, so it has been brought up more than once)

so.....believe me.....i'm open to any suggestions people have.

[SeeGeeWhy]

Sample, I think what is happening is that your kids are starting to get to an age where they are getting close to that line where they cross over from childhood and into 'the real world', and you are just worried whether or not you've done a good enough job with them. Trust me, just let them be who they are and they will find their own motivation in life.

I am with Fotze to a degree. I never used to work very hard if I didn't see what the purpose was, or what the benefit was to me. I am starting to realize now that sometimes work and effort isn't as much as the material outcome, but the discipline and good habits you are exercising. I have some really bad laziness and procrastination habits that I am thinking I could go without now a days. It is very hard to kick a behavioural habit...

[Iowa_Flames_Fan]

madisontb--it sounds like you're in a very challenging situation. I don't know the whole story, but to take on an older adopted child is heroic and I'm sure, trying at times--but you're to be commended for what you've done for him.

I actually wonder, listening to what you say, if it might be worth checking him out for mood issues, such as depression. I'm no expert, but I have some experience in my family with mood disorders, and what you describe (being interested in nothing at all) sounds a lot like depression to me. It might be worth a trip to a child psychiatrist--I know that a lot of antidepressants are no longer indicated for teenagers, but there still might be some options that in the long term might make your lives a whole lot easier--just a thought.

[flamesfever]

Madisonbtb, in reading your post, I'm intrigued by your son's interest in taking apart electronic things. It reminds me of a friend I grew up with who was fixing radios and tv's at 12. He also wasn't that great in school. His father was an electronic engineer, and started teaching him about these things at a very young age. He eventually became a top-notch electrical engineer.

[badnarik]

madisontbt, have you tried something like radio-controlled cars? Get him a high quality kit that he can build, take apart, upgrade, etc. It can be an expensive hobby, but maybe it will motivate him to earn some money too.

[madisonbtb]

Originally Posted by Iowa_Flames_Fan

madisontb--it sounds like you're in a very challenging situation. I don't know the whole story, but to take on an older adopted child is heroic and I'm sure, trying at times--but you're to be commended for what you've done for him.

I actually wonder, listening to what you say, if it might be worth checking him out for mood issues, such as depression. I'm no expert, but I have some experience in my family with mood disorders, and what you describe (being interested in nothing at all) sounds a lot like depression to me. It might be worth a trip to a child psychiatrist--I know that a lot of antidepressants are no longer indicated for teenagers, but there still might be some options that in the long term might make your lives a whole lot easier--just a thought.

i appreciate your kind words, but i don't consider us doing anything heroic. he has done more for us than we could ever do for him. we had pretty much given up on having kids and one day i happened to be on the internet and ran across this little boys picture. i knew INSTANTLY that he was my son. i knew nothing about him, how old he was, or even where he lived. it wasn't until the next day i found out. that was in january of 2004 and he was home with us in september. there wasn't any thought in my mind ever of having to help this child or "saving" him. it was simply he was my son and we just needed to get him home. we knew we would be facing challenges with his age. but even knowing what i know now, i would do it again in a heartbeat.

as far as depression -- the thought had occurred to me as well. we took him to a psycologist at boys town (not sure if you are familiar with it, but they deal with problemed children when parents have no where else to turn). the psycologist assessed him and came to the conclusion he is happy as can be. he has bonded well with us and thinks of us completely as his parents. he always has a smile on his face. always joking around. i hate to liken him to this, but he is like a little puppy. just jovial and playful. if you scold him he sulks for a couple of minutes and then is wagging his tail and jumping for attention and off to the next conquest. we don't have any other kids in our immediate location for him to play with, which makes it that much harder. i just feel so bad for him and hate being so strict, but we have such a limited amount of time to try and instill the morals, values, attitudes, and actions that we pretty much take for granted. don't get me wrong, the kid has made AMAZING strides since coming here. he has handled all this change like a total trooper. there is just so much to do and very little time to do it. i'm certainly in no hurry to have him grow up, but high school is a right around the corner. i guess we just keep plugging along and hope that someday it takes effect.