Loneliness

[Jacks]

Originally Posted by Cameron Swift

I'm wondering if a few of us shouldn't just bite the bullet and have a meetup at someone's house. Bring some beers, play cards or board games, have hockey on in the background or something.

Was just going to say this. The people in this thread who are saying they have trouble making friends might benefit from meeting up. You already have hockey in common and the pressure would be off, no reason to feel awkward when everyone is in the same boat. Probably too simplistic but worth a try.

[AcGold]

Who's comfortable enough to have a bunch of strangers in their house? start with a pub.

[Itse]

Originally Posted by kn

I hesitate to post this article for fear the internet warriors will come out in force but I don't care. It explores the looming loneliness crisis despite out increasingly "connected" world.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/...3187/?page=all

Unfortunately, I can relate to everyone in that article. My evenings and weekends consist of trying to kill time to get back to work. Work is all I have and sometimes I get up only because I'm contractually obliged.

Never married, no friends besides "work friends" and like the article states, saying "go out and make friends" is like telling an asthmatic to go climb Mount Everest. I've joined various groups/events and feel like a zombie seeing all these people interacting and having "fun". Sadly, the only distraction is hockey and even then, sometimes watching the Flames religiously feels pointless. But most of the time it helps me "forget" for three or four hours.

My biggest fear is dying alone and not being discovered until the smell. Unlike the woman in the article, it wouldn't take three years for me to be discovered because I'm sure someone would come to find out why the bills/taxes weren't paid or why that "loyal, dedicated employee" didn't show up for work.

I'm mostly with Cain and TBQH here.

I don't know if there's much else to say about that, except that (for me at least) remembering that my personal issues are actually pretty common helps me move on and focus on just doing stuff that might change something.

I would suggest trying to find a regular hobby where talking to people face to face is part of the thing you do. Take a beginners course in something. Something a little unusual is often the best. Rare hobbies unite people, and make for better conversation starters. Plus you tend to run into things you never knew existed.

Language courses are great, as knowing more languages never goes to waste. Plus practising forces people to talk to each other, and everybody is equally awkward in the beginning

Politics is an option for something to do. There's a ton of just very practical stuff to do and talk about, so if you're not great at smalltalking that's less of a problem. Candidates, parties and organizations always need help.

Also, how about roleplaying games? There's a reason socially unsecure teenagers flock to that hobby, but it's not just a hobby for kids these days. It's a great way to connect to people, and actually a surprisingly easy hobby to pick up. (Also, at least the longterm roleplayers I know have accidentally developed pretty good social skills over the years.) "Nerds" also have tons of other interests that tend to be accepting to acquintances, like boardgames. (A quick google confirmed that there's at least Pathfinder (essentially D&D) and Star Wars for beginners of all ages available in Calgary. And it's one of those hobbies where people are always looking for new converts.)

Dancing is always a great option especially for men. Just don't be "that guy" who's out there only to meet women. Actually try to learn the dance, and women will want to dance with you.

Find an amateur choir. Try archery. Take Portuguese for beginners. Just try stuff. Somewhere there are people who you'd click with. It sucks to try have to look randomly, and yeah it's hard, and yeah, it's not a great situation to begin from.

But look on the upside; you don't have a reputation to lose, and you have time to kill.

[Dion]

Mork Talking About Loneliness Seems Incredibly Poignant After Robin Williams’ Death

The dialogue from this scene from the first season of Mork & Mindy has been shared widely following the beloved comedian’s death

Mork: This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness.

Orson: Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease?

Mork: Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon. Even that doesn’t help very much because then he can hear paint dry.

Orson: Does bedrest help?

Mork: No because I’ve heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them.

Orson: Do you have any idea why?

Mork: Yes sir, you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they’re very old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?

Orson: Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely?

Mork: No sir, I’m saying just the opposite. They make themselves lonely – they’re so busy looking out for number one that there’s not enough room for two.

Orson: It’s too bad everybody down there can’t get together and find a cure.

Mork: Here’s the paradox, sir, because if they did get together, they wouldn’t need one.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/franciswhitt...ss#.nsvxjYzXp9

[trackercowe]

I can definitely see where many are coming from in this thread. I've gone through a few bouts of depression in pars due to loneliness. Now I have a few groups of friends, and that's never been a problem for me. I started working full time last year after completing my degree, and rarely have nights off to myself. But even with all the friends in the world you can still feel rather empty inside.

It's fun and all to hang out, see a movie, or go to the club, but what's left after that? I didn't seek out dates in University since I wanted to focus on school, but in that three years I seemingly lost any confidence I once had. I've been going through the online dating motions myself the last few months, and I've done "okay" I suppose, but have yet to make any real connections. I'm 28 years old now, and feel that I'll just run out of time eventually to make this work.

What's depressing is hanging out with couples, or seeing them in public and wanting what they have. I've lost a ton of weight in the last few months and have been working on improving my conditioning for basically that reason alone. If I can't make it work this way I am not sure what I can do. Walking up to a girl and starting a conversation seems unnatural to me these days. I'm either too awkward or simply paranoid of being rejected at first glance.

Now I'm thinking "Hey maybe if I lose the glasses", or "Buy new clothes", or "Start taking random vacations" that will make all the difference in the world. I know it's not that easy, but I figure if I keep trying to make improvements something eventually will work out.

Oh and I'm sorry if my concerns seem rather minimal compared to others. 28 may not seem that far gone, but every week I become more distressed when nothing works out.

[getbak]

Originally Posted by Jacks

Was just going to say this. The people in this thread who are saying they have trouble making friends might benefit from meeting up. You already have hockey in common and the pressure would be off, no reason to feel awkward when everyone is in the same boat. Probably too simplistic but worth a try.

Come to the first meeting of the CalgaryPuck introverts club. I'll be the one sitting awkwardly in the corner slowly sipping a beer and watching the game.

Join me, and we can all sit awkwardly watching the game together.

[Caged Great]

I used to struggle with being introverted before as well, but I found that the more times that you're in a situation that you're uncomfortable in the easier it gets.

if there is going to be a meet up, I'll be there.

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by kn

Thanks for responses. I'm fairly introverted and lack confidence in social situations. I've tried various groups on meetup.com but it's hard to make friends beyond the activity itself. I'll interact, talk, be polite, but I think my guard is up. Of course, in the moment, I never see it and wonder why I can never connect with anyone.

All I can think of is the phrase "coffee is for closers". I've never been able to close anything. I don't think I'm asking too much to have someone to grab a coffee or catch a Flames/NFL game once in a while.

Dating while lonely with no friends? I'm sure that's really attractive and my body language probably betrays me immediately.

I heard the morning crew on the Fan960 make fun of "life coaches" but maybe that's something to look into? Not sure...

If I'm reading between the lines, it sounds to me like when you go out your focus is on a girl to hang out with. I think you need to focus on finding a guy friend and a girl might come along later.

One of the most profound things I've heard that definitely applies to friend making is to live life without expectation. If you go into any situation designed to meet new people without expectations, there is no way that you can be disappointed with the outcome.

Sometimes you might make a connection and sometimes you won't and that's fine. What's the worst that will happen? You might waste some time on a random evening.

Likewise, if you offer up your number for coffee to someone because you think you might've made a connection what's the worst that can happen? They don't call. Keep offering your number up and eventually, someone will call.

Most of all, hang in there. Someone out there needs a friend too; I'm sure you'll find them.

[Dion]

nm

[OMG!WTF!]

Maybe you could switch your focus from wanting to meet people and have a normal social life to being and doing the things people do to enrich their lives alone.

Be creative. Gain the skills and the knowledge required to master an art, and then add to the state of that art. You won't likely be the next prodigy in any thing, but you might get good enough to experience true creativity and then you won't miss life with other people as much. Creating is a beautiful thing and will enrich you greatly, but it's hard.

Short of that, maybe you can learn to appreciate art if you do not already. Full walls, full bookshelves, loud speakers etc very much fill your life with meaning and beauty.

Plan a trip. Not just a sight seeing venture. But an adventure. Hike, ski, climb, ride a bike, ride a motor bike, drive a car, somewhere crazy. The six months it takes to plan will give you something to do, the two months on the trip will be great and you'll come back a different person with an interesting story. You might just trip over a friend.

Save some money. I don't know what your finances are like but having money is more fun than not. It also gives you a goal and a plan. Make the money you save earn passive income for you. Get interested in money, how it works and what it can do for you. It won't buy you happiness but it sure helps.

Quit feeling like you need to join groups, go to classes, hang around bars and pubs just to be social. People are weird and terrible. Maybe you're just keeping your circle tight. Maybe you're not really missing much. Married people are lonely too. More lonely than you are now.

Still, get a dog.

[S. Yelle]

Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy

kn, reflect on what it is you seek. Connection, companionship, intimacy? These are all very different needs and can be had through very different ways.

The social dynamic is one which begins at self, expands to two, and then expands to groups, very large groups and so on. Many people suggest working at a group dynamic level and then working your way to one on one level, but I firmly believe it must start at the self. You cannot forget that the self is at the core of every interaction and it is smething that must be developed constantly.

On top of this, being introverted by nature means you process social interactions at a different rate than what our society currently demands. In a social media interaction for instance, the other person is gone before you have a chance to respond to the communication, so they're not really listening and the two of you don't really make a connection. This is difficult for an introverted person to deal with.

Some suggestions I have are to try things that move at your pace. More than anything you need to find people that are similar enough to you to make a connection.

To work on self... Meditate to get to know yourself (there are several kinds of meditation, find one and find a good teacher - there is a community waiting for you in the right practice); read more fiction as it develops your emotional intelligence and gives you a wider breadth of tools to interact with others. Working wth a life coach or personal development coach is a great tool, it sounds like you have an instinctual desire to try this... Listen to your instinct. You really will never gain true connection by becoming something you are not. But you can teach yourself how to create a vision for yourself that is aligned with your being and bring that aspect of yourself to life. A great and short book to read is "as a man thinketh" by James Allen, on how to create useful mindsets actively instead of letting negative and largely subconscious emotions dictate your outlook on life. It's simple, but if you believe it, you will become it. The mind is a powerful thing. Of course, always exercise and eat well.

To connect with others... Look for a way to give yourself to others - have you ever tried being a big brother and being matched with a young introverted boy? These kinds of relationships are deeply rewarding.

But how can introverts find other introverts? In a culture where extroverts dominate and people are unwilling to find help or connect with eachother, where can you other such like-minded people?

[Wastedyouth]

I imagine the majority of people struggling with the issues hear commentors saying "plan a trip, or an adventure!" and cringe.

I am an extrovert-ish type person, who travels a lot, and even I find it stressful and uncomfortable to travel by myself and have an adventure (Ie. I won't do it, I have to have at least one friend with me if i am travelling to a new location (unless its for work)). I like to share my experiences with people I like. I think it would make the loneliness even worse if I had to see some fantastic locations and realize I had no one to crack a joke about it with, or take a stupid selfie of it.

My only suggestion, for anyone struggling to connect with new people, is to connect with old friends. You were friends for a reason, shared interests, experiences whatever. Even if the interests change, the experiences remain. Re-connect, through any means necessary, and for the love of god, make sure you have enough drinks to make the laughs begin, but not too many that the tears follow. Haha.

[Cain]

Originally Posted by Caged Great

I used to struggle with being introverted before as well, but I found that the more times that you're in a situation that you're uncomfortable in the easier it gets.

if there is going to be a meet up, I'll be there.

I know you might have been aiming this a different way as well, but it really isn't as simple as introverted/extroverted.

It isn't just about putting yourself into uncomfortable situations, or forcing yourself to do something new. These might be strategies to combat specific parts of loneliness but they aren't obviously an all encompassing solution (and I'm not saying you were implying that).

I am an introvert for sure. I do pretty well in most social situations however, I am not a recluse, go out and do well at all sorts of gatherings...It is a tough condition to identify and is probably rooted in a myriad of issues blending together to one result of feeling isolated and hopeless.

Not sure on a "every size fits" solution, but this and the mental health awareness stuff does hit home with me and I feel like many people in a similar situation with me might feel...a small measure of hope that they aren't as alone as they think. Fixes nothing, but sometimes the de-stigmatizing (probably not a word) of a condition can go a long way.

[worth]

I've been traveling solo for nearly the past year. I'm introverted and used to be deathly shy. After a year of solo travel, I'm not an extrovert (surprise). I'm still the same general person. Perhaps you gain new experiences and it becomes somewhat familiar to you, but I don't think it necessarily gets easy. I still have troubles starting conversations, general small talk, feeling confident, feeling like I fit in etc.

There are times I feel extremely alone. But I did this trip as a challenge to myself. I've had more good times than bad and I think I will see life back home in a better light now.

I don't really have any advice, just to offer that i have the same sort of feelings it seems a lot of us have.

[peter12]

Read good, wonderful top-level books, and then, find other people that do the same.

[Caged Great]

Originally Posted by Cain

I know you might have been aiming this a different way as well, but it really isn't as simple as introverted/extroverted.

It isn't just about putting yourself into uncomfortable situations, or forcing yourself to do something new. These might be strategies to combat specific parts of loneliness but they aren't obviously an all encompassing solution (and I'm not saying you were implying that).

I am an introvert for sure. I do pretty well in most social situations however, I am not a recluse, go out and do well at all sorts of gatherings...It is a tough condition to identify and is probably rooted in a myriad of issues blending together to one result of feeling isolated and hopeless.

Not sure on a "every size fits" solution, but this and the mental health awareness stuff does hit home with me and I feel like many people in a similar situation with me might feel...a small measure of hope that they aren't as alone as they think. Fixes nothing, but sometimes the de-stigmatizing (probably not a word) of a condition can go a long way.

You are right, that isn't what I was implying. Being more comfortable in social situations is somewhat similar to exercising. The more you train yourself the easier it gets, even though it can be very difficult, especially at the beginning. Overcoming loneliness is a whole other ordeal entirely, but if you're more at ease in social situations, the larger the chance of those situations having a successful outcome.

I find that people tend to put too much pressure on themselves and that can sabotage their goals. Also, being patient with yourself is a must. Large changes can take a long time, sometimes even years, even though you might want it done yesterday. it's just a process. If you keep putting yourself out there, you will eventually get to where you want to go. Getting frustrated that things aren't happening just as you'd like them is natural, but allowing that to get in your way of the ultimate goal (either friends/girlfriend etc) is not good. You have to be resolved to push through that adversity.

There is no set "Do A + B + C and result D will occur" with things like this. The only thing that will get you through is being determined to getting to the goal that you are seeking. I also wish that people were more easily able to communicate their thoughts without fear of being stigmatized for whatever they're going through.

[wwkayaker]

Originally Posted by Where ru Chris O'Sullivan

Unfortunately, it is something we in the west also completely deserve. If you travel different parts of the world (S.E. Asia for one) you see how connected people are in small villages, how they rely on each other and support each other. We have endless laws to ensure our privacy from others and its worked! But it is certainly not healthy for most of us. Downtown any city was becoming a ghost town after 5pm, and governments had to introduce planning to revitalize. Most pubs any city are dead from Sunday to Thursday.

It's funny when you ask people in the western world what they have, they start out with well i make _______, per year and then i fly to Mexico 2 times yearly (to a private beach, ensuring i have no social interactions)

Interesting webs we've weaved indeed.

A few years ago, I went kayaking in Pucon, Chile. My instructor was a guy named Roderigo. One of the first questions he asked me was "Who are you?" I told him about my job. He said he didn't care about that. He wanted to know about me as a person. Suffice to say, after 3 weeks kayaking with Roderigo, I learned what a genuine friendship was about. I only paid him to teach me to whitewater kayak but his lessons went far deeper. I learned that most of my relationships were quite shallow.

[wwkayaker]

nm

[wwkayaker]

Originally Posted by Jacks

Was just going to say this. The people in this thread who are saying they have trouble making friends might benefit from meeting up. You already have hockey in common and the pressure would be off, no reason to feel awkward when everyone is in the same boat. Probably too simplistic but worth a try.

I dont live in Calgary but I will be in Banff in March. I would be willing to drive into Calgary on March 17 to grab a beer, meet some of you, and watch the Flames vs Blues. It is a home game so that may be an issue...just a thought though.

[ma-skis.com]

It's weird, I'm pretty sure I have more extroverted tendencies, but fell into some of the patterns the other guys mentioned at one point or another.

Just as a side-note for the introverts who are nervous about meeting up with CP members, I thought the same thing, but went for CP's summer street hockey and realized that a lot of the people on the thread are just normal people. If you manage to get a gathering going on to watch a game, the worst thing that happens is that you drink a beer and watch a flames game with like-minded people.

No one meets people thinking they've found a best friend, but have a few laughs or a discussion, makes a big difference sometimes.