I think you should get a dog....as long as you can take proper care of it...hire a dog walker when you're at work etc. Obviously it's nice to have a constant love in your life. But what's more is that you will likely meet other people with dogs and probably fall into a new circle of friends.
I take care of a friend's dog in Toronto whenever they go on vacation. I didn't know anyone in Toronto but now I have more friends there then I do here. I meet people at the dog park, walking down the street, at the pet store. It's crazy.
Most of the friends that my friends in TO have all have dogs and have all met each other at the dog park. It's really a wonderful catalyst for friendship.
Plus you get regular exercise. You get an excuse to do weekend trips. And you get to take care of something. All of this will make you feel better. Guaranteed.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to OMG!WTF! For This Useful Post:
I'm going through a lot of this now too. Moved across the country for work years ago, wife got sick and passed away recently, now stuck here where I don't really know anyone except "work friends".
The only thing I can think to do is join some leagues (hockey, ball hockey, softball).
I'm not afraid of dying alone, just don't want to be bored out of my tree from now until then.
I'm in a similar situation. Thankfully I am married with a son, and two stepdaughters, because if I didn't have that, I think I'd be in dire straits. But yes, I feel lonely too.
I've always been quiet, but managed to come out of my shell a bit in the final years of high school and quite a bit in university. But after university I lost touch with the friends I had (moving to Canada didn't help) and now only see one buddy when I go back home. In Canada, I've had a couple of acquaintances here and there, but eventually lose touch. As someone said earlier, once you keep on declining social invitations, they eventually dry up. A few years ago, I developed a health issue that made me anxious in social situations which basically put an end to restaurants and bars for me. My wife and I barely go out together even, or she does with her friends and I decline and stay home. Thankfully, my health has improved in the last year, and I'm determined to start making things better. But I get so down when I realize that outside of my wife, I have nobody to talk to.
I'm wondering if a few of us shouldn't just bite the bullet and have a meetup at someone's house. Bring some beers, play cards or board games, have hockey on in the background or something.
Unfortunately, it is something we in the west also completely deserve. If you travel different parts of the world (S.E. Asia for one) you see how connected people are in small villages, how they rely on each other and support each other. We have endless laws to ensure our privacy from others and its worked! But it is certainly not healthy for most of us. Downtown any city was becoming a ghost town after 5pm, and governments had to introduce planning to revitalize. Most pubs any city are dead from Sunday to Thursday.
It's funny when you ask people in the western world what they have, they start out with well i make _______, per year and then i fly to Mexico 2 times yearly (to a private beach, ensuring i have no social interactions)
Interesting webs we've weaved indeed.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Where ru Chris O'Sullivan For This Useful Post:
Wonder if its possible that the "connected" world (social media, etc.) is partly to blame for this loneliness epidemic?
It's so easy nowadays to avoid people and social situations that you don't like (ie unfriending, ignoring on FB, etc) that its possible to actually live in a social bubble.
Heck now that most companies have websites so its often possible to book appointments or get questions answered without picking up the phone to call.
Just thinking out loud here. But since it's possible to avoid social interaction in 99% of situations, has this created a world where everyone just has their own little circle and why its therefore even harder to find new friends? It's always hard to make new friends but with the social "circles" being tighter than ever there's basically no opportunity for anyone new to "break in."
__________________
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
For every lonely male there's a lonely female thinking the same thing. If only they could all be put in a huge room together and be forced to get to know eachother. But for now, i think dating sites are under rated. Imo it's not computer dating anymore, it's two people with similar interests meeting and hopefully hitting it off.
Not only will it provide another presence in your residence, it will give you an excuse to get out of the house and introduce you to a whole new network of people.
Loneliness and clinical depression usually run hand-in-hand. I've actually read that the two best ways of treating depression (w/o pills), is exercise and owning a pet.
Having said that, I can relate to the OP. Working for over 3 years in work camps, away from home in Northern Alberta is not conducive to having a rewarding social life. I tried to make the best of it, but it's very hard to form non-work related friendships.
While the recession in the Oil and Gas sector is obviously not good, the consolation is I have had time to reflect on my life, and realized how few people I am friends with where I live. Even if I am forced to take a layoff, it could be a good thing, as I can just work in the city, and have time to join clubs, sports teams, and do volunteer work.
My advice would be to keep active, join groups, help out people, and keep your mind occupied. You have a much greater chance of meeting someone you click with.
The Following User Says Thank You to Jets4Life For This Useful Post:
Confidence is a tricky mistress when you seem to have none.
The biggest and best thing to do is set yourself up for small victories. If you do the laundry, you immediately fold/hang it up. That is a victory. Wash the dishes right after you are done with them. This is a victory. Soon these things turn into habits and then it's time to choose a new conquest. Eventually, that conquest will be to get out there and meet people. At this point you'll have the confidence. First, make a friend, second make a "beneficial-friend". By then your house will be clean! And remember, a great thing to say to someone to let them know your into them is to let them know that they are on your mind. "I've been thinking about you all day and what you'd consider to be your favorite meal." "Why?" "Because I'd like to spend all day making it for you."
It's up to you to create a plan and even though you opened up on this forum, it will be a good start. If you want to watch a game sometime then send me a PM. Cheers.
The Following User Says Thank You to To Be Quite Honest For This Useful Post:
Wonder if its possible that the "connected" world (social media, etc.) is partly to blame for this loneliness epidemic?
It's so easy nowadays to avoid people and social situations that you don't like (ie unfriending, ignoring on FB, etc) that its possible to actually live in a social bubble.
Heck now that most companies have websites so its often possible to book appointments or get questions answered without picking up the phone to call.
Just thinking out loud here. But since it's possible to avoid social interaction in 99% of situations, has this created a world where everyone just has their own little circle and why its therefore even harder to find new friends? It's always hard to make new friends but with the social "circles" being tighter than ever there's basically no opportunity for anyone new to "break in."
Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
Exp:
Quote:
Originally Posted by red john
wonder if its possible that the "connected" world (social media, etc.) is partly to blame for this loneliness epidemic?
It's so easy nowadays to avoid people and social situations that you don't like (ie unfriending, ignoring on fb, etc) that its possible to actually live in a social bubble.
Heck now that most companies have websites so its often possible to book appointments or get questions answered without picking up the phone to call.
Just thinking out loud here. But since it's possible to avoid social interaction in 99% of situations, has this created a world where everyone just has their own little circle and why its therefore even harder to find new friends? It's always hard to make new friends but with the social "circles" being tighter than ever there's basically no opportunity for anyone new to "break in."
Much of this is because we're given computers and mobile devices and social networks, and expect it to be the hassle free replacement for "connecting" and "socializing", when in actuality you're hardly connecting with someone at all. It gets us out of practice with real interaction, at least with new people. Before all this, people were forced to do it. If they didn't push themselves to initiate with others, there was nothing else, they'd simply be alone..everyone, so people were much more practiced in just..speaking up. Greeting, asking, complimenting. And it wasn't weird. Now people can comfortably keep to themselves wherever they go, just interacting when they need to, because they always bank on being able to go home and flip on the computer or phone and still be in touch with their world, but it's not the same. In a sense, it's really still just being alone, because the only interactions that are meaningful and imprint in your memory, and keep you from feeling lonely are the ones where experiences are physically shared. You don't remember further down the road something that happened over a computer. Even if it was something hysterical, because you didn't say it, you didn't see or hear them laugh. It wasn't "shared", it was all just text on a screen. Memories are made in the company of others. And when you can update people on everything in your life via facebook, it leaves nothing left to curiosity if and when you do meet up with friends or significant others. It eliminates much mystery and intrigue. There are a lot of lonely people out there that are stuck in that place because they keep banking on their text conversations and social media to bring them out of a difficult place, when the only thing that will is putting it down and going out and spending time with others... In a real, human to human capacity.
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to djsFlames For This Useful Post:
I'm pretty isolated but I don't mind it. One thing an old relative told me was that he likes himself, so he has good company. He lived by himself in a cabin on Haida Gwaii. I like to live that way as I don't see my isolation changing much as I don't really enjoy social situations and I'm getting old. Well I do enjoy them some but they're taxing. I have lots of relatives and keep somewhat in touch but I don't make much of an effort. Anyways my advice, just learn to like yourself by getting to know yourself and others have mentioned some good suggestions too.
kn, reflect on what it is you seek. Connection, companionship, intimacy? These are all very different needs and can be had through very different ways.
The social dynamic is one which begins at self, expands to two, and then expands to groups, very large groups and so on. Many people suggest working at a group dynamic level and then working your way to one on one level, but I firmly believe it must start at the self. You cannot forget that the self is at the core of every interaction and it is smething that must be developed constantly.
On top of this, being introverted by nature means you process social interactions at a different rate than what our society currently demands. In a social media interaction for instance, the other person is gone before you have a chance to respond to the communication, so they're not really listening and the two of you don't really make a connection. This is difficult for an introverted person to deal with.
Some suggestions I have are to try things that move at your pace. More than anything you need to find people that are similar enough to you to make a connection.
To work on self... Meditate to get to know yourself (there are several kinds of meditation, find one and find a good teacher - there is a community waiting for you in the right practice); read more fiction as it develops your emotional intelligence and gives you a wider breadth of tools to interact with others. Working wth a life coach or personal development coach is a great tool, it sounds like you have an instinctual desire to try this... Listen to your instinct. You really will never gain true connection by becoming something you are not. But you can teach yourself how to create a vision for yourself that is aligned with your being and bring that aspect of yourself to life. A great and short book to read is "as a man thinketh" by James Allen, on how to create useful mindsets actively instead of letting negative and largely subconscious emotions dictate your outlook on life. It's simple, but if you believe it, you will become it. The mind is a powerful thing. Of course, always exercise and eat well.
To connect with others... Look for a way to give yourself to others - have you ever tried being a big brother and being matched with a young introverted boy? These kinds of relationships are deeply rewarding.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biff
If the NHL ever needs an enema, Edmonton is where they'll insert it.
To work on self... Meditate to get to know yourself (there are several kinds of meditation, find one and find a good teacher - there is a community waiting for you in the right practice); read more fiction as it develops your emotional intelligence and gives you a wider breadth of tools to interact with others. Working wth a life coach or personal development coach is a great tool, it sounds like you have an instinctual desire to try this... Listen to your instinct. You really will never gain true connection by becoming something you are not. But you can teach yourself how to create a vision for yourself that is aligned with your being and bring that aspect of yourself to life. A great and short book to read is "as a man thinketh" by James Allen, on how to create useful mindsets actively instead of letting negative and largely subconscious emotions dictate your outlook on life. It's simple, but if you believe it, you will become it. The mind is a powerful thing. Of course, always exercise and eat well.
I wouldn't dream of speaking for someone else, but for someone who is in a similar state of loneliness, battles depression all the time and struggles to find a "happy place" sometimes dwelling on yourself is an insurmountable task as you genuinely aren't enamored with the person you view yourself to be.
Best I've found are merely workarounds, but they are usually to dive into something you really like (sports, games, working out) as the escapism provided can sometimes really be needed. Find a long term (not crazy long term, like a month at a time) goal and work towards it focusing on why you want to complete it so much (as long as it isn't "this will fix my loneliness/depression").
And please understand, I'm not really arguing your advice, I believe in similar things...just that I know from both positions in this situation that the giving of advice is easy...acting on the advice given is like climbing a mountain.
I gave up on pursuing a romantic relationship as I don't think I can sell myself to other people when I can't sell myself TO myself. Once I fix that, I'll wade back in.
The Following User Says Thank You to Cain For This Useful Post:
I wouldn't dream of speaking for someone else, but for someone who is in a similar state of loneliness, battles depression all the time and struggles to find a "happy place" sometimes dwelling on yourself is an insurmountable task as you genuinely aren't enamored with the person you view yourself to be.
This is where a good mediation comes in. It can teach where to look at yourself, where the beauty is inside.
Confidence is a tricky mistress when you seem to have none.
The biggest and best thing to do is set yourself up for small victories. If you do the laundry, you immediately fold/hang it up. That is a victory. Wash the dishes right after you are done with them. This is a victory. Soon these things turn into habits and then it's time to choose a new conquest. Eventually, that conquest will be to get out there and meet people. At this point you'll have the confidence. First, make a friend, second make a "beneficial-friend". By then your house will be clean! And remember, a great thing to say to someone to let them know your into them is to let them know that they are on your mind. "I've been thinking about you all day and what you'd consider to be your favorite meal." "Why?" "Because I'd like to spend all day making it for you."
It's up to you to create a plan and even though you opened up on this forum, it will be a good start. If you want to watch a game sometime then send me a PM. Cheers.
Listen to this man, solution based thinking. I like it.
I wouldn't dream of speaking for someone else, but for someone who is in a similar state of loneliness, battles depression all the time and struggles to find a "happy place" sometimes dwelling on yourself is an insurmountable task as you genuinely aren't enamored with the person you view yourself to be.
Best I've found are merely workarounds, but they are usually to dive into something you really like (sports, games, working out) as the escapism provided can sometimes really be needed. Find a long term (not crazy long term, like a month at a time) goal and work towards it focusing on why you want to complete it so much (as long as it isn't "this will fix my loneliness/depression").
And please understand, I'm not really arguing your advice, I believe in similar things...just that I know from both positions in this situation that the giving of advice is easy...acting on the advice given is like climbing a mountain.
I gave up on pursuing a romantic relationship as I don't think I can sell myself to other people when I can't sell myself TO myself. Once I fix that, I'll wade back in.
Thank you for writing this! You put it in a way that I wasn't getting through with my words.
The words I put in bold are the exact issue. You need to know and love yourself before you can overcome loneliness. In many ways feeling lonely is nothing more than an inability to be with yourself. To overcome this dislike of oneself will take a lot of difficult, but important, work. It IS a mountain. A mountain that I climb myself every day, that is a choice and it has made my life better. I don't think that it can be done alone, either.
Avoiding the work and distracting yourself will not get you anywhere, as you go on to describe yourself. If you want to improve your quality of life, to enjoy the time you have, to enjoy yourself, others and the world you're a part of... its some of the most important work a man can do.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biff
If the NHL ever needs an enema, Edmonton is where they'll insert it.
