How to deal with horrible inlaws?

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by Handsome B. Wonderful

Do you really think her parents are going to change at this point? People's behaviours and attitudes are very hard to change. tenyardrambo is not going to be able to make them stop being a-holes.

So the question becomes "Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with a-holes?" Cutting off her family is the practical solution.

All I am saying is that this shouldn't be your first course of action, and that the best thing for all involved is level setting expectations. If they can't meet your expectations for them, then you deal accordingly.

The idea that people can't change is rediculous. I agree, you are dealing with a lot of years of behaviour patterns, but I think family is important and worth the effort.

To put this in perspective, my mother-in-law had these very same issues with her parents. She allowed them to control her life way too much and for too long, well into adulthood. Then she decided in her 40's that she had had enough and what did she do? Knee-jerk reaction, said she didn't need them in her life, and stopped talking to them. She re-married a guy just like herself and this is their solution to every disagreement with friends and family in life. "I don't need to deal with this $hit so eff them, I don't need them anymore". In the past 10 years, I've watched my mother-in-law and her new husband cut out:

- Her parents
- Her sisters (both)
- Her best friend
- His best friend
- His daughter
- His son

This is what happens when you mix tempers, pride and stubbornness together. Keep thinking that it's everyone else causing the problems and that you shouldn't have to deal with their cr4p, then one day realize you are all alone.

[FlamingLonghorn]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

I am shocked at how many people here are reading a half page summary of your situation and telling you to cut these people out of your life. How about less knee-jerk reaction and a bit more practical advice?

It sounds like your in-laws have some control issues with their child, some parents have a hard time giving up control in their kids lives. It looks like since they can't, you need to start taking that control back. This probably shouldn't be an all-at-once thing, and to be honest, this should probably come from your wife. She can be honest with her parents, and tell them that they need to respect your family unit and the decisions you are making, they don't have to agree, but they need to understand they can't force their will on you.

I obviously don't know your situation, but until you clearly state to them that they are offside, you aren't really giving them a chance to correct themselves.

I would agree with this in most instances, but when you are talking about them accusing him of beating his wife I believe it is a more serious issue than you are making it out to be.

What about the "kill them with kindness" route?

Explain to them that they raised a beautiful, intelligent woman with morals and that is why you fell in love with her. Because of the influences that they instilled on her (whatever... it'll make them feel proud)

Explain to them that when you got married, it was the beginning of her new family and they have to let go and let her be able to pass on everything they taught her to your future kids (are you going to barf now?)

Or maybe offer to donate all your empties to their church?

Good luck.... I'd hate to be you.

[REDVAN]

Why is it okay for inlaws to stop by unannounced? Ask them that. Ask them if its okay for you to just show up an start judging their x y or z.

That is a boundary that must be respected if your inlaws will ever accept their daughter is a grown up.

I do agree with some other posters though- you MUST have had some indication of their kookiness before the wedding.

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by FlamingLonghorn

I would agree with this in most instances, but when you are talking about them accusing him of beating his wife I believe it is a more serious issue than you are making it out to be.

Yea, that is a pretty serious accusation, along with the financial requests bit there is some definite strangeness going on.

[REDVAN]

Originally Posted by Puxlut

Or maybe offer to donate all your empties to their church?

Good luck.... I'd hate to be you.

I love this sort of passive aggressive stuff. Just like donating bottles and cans to Boy Scouts. "Here kids, I got wasted last night, but take the bottles and use the money to have good wholesome fun" (note- you can drink/donate pop cans too)

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by REDVAN

Why is it okay for inlaws to stop by unannounced? Ask them that. Ask them if its okay for you to just show up an start judging their x y or z.

That is a boundary that must be respected if your inlaws will ever accept their daughter is a grown up.

I do agree with some other posters though- you MUST have had some indication of their kookiness before the wedding.

Yup and what about at the wedding itself? It takes months to plan a wedding, were they control freaks with everything from the flowers to the guests to the seating arrangements?

[HELPNEEDED]

Alpha up son.

[Locke]

I love the advice of 'Rent a U-Haul.' I'll have to remember that.

Its a rough situation, and I'm the first person to advocate ditching them, all of that 'family is forever' rhetoric is nonsense. Family are just people whom you afford more rope. Eventually anyone can can do things where you'll eventually just sever ties.

That said, give them every chance in the book and if nothing comes of it you have to be calm, mature and reasonable, but you have to ditch them. Preferably (depending on your situation) without losing your wife in the process.

Originally Posted by Ozy_Flame

Sounds like they were likely problems before the marriage before, yes?

And if your wife is a "softie", I can't help but think she has suffered some degree of emotional abuse from these crazy folks? That's unfortunate.

This is about the time where you have to man up and defend yourself and your wife, even if it worsens things in the short term. In-laws are like pets - you show them you are the pack leader, and they'll respect you for it eventually.

By the way, are they gypsies by any chance?

They're always Gypsies. Its always the Gypsies. Well, them and the tramps and thieves.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by Locke

They're always Gypsies. Its always the Gypsies. Well, them and the tramps and thieves.

Lucky that hobo population problem is seeming to work itself out *cough* so there isn't much of an issue with them.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Rathji

Lucky that hobo population problem is seeming to work itself out *cough* so there isn't much of an issue with them.

It takes a village to kill a hobo.

At least, I think thats how the saying goes. You gotta put 'em somewhere anyways....

[AR_Six]

Originally Posted by Gary83

What would you do? Threaten to beat them up?!

If they were making these allegations publicly in an attempt to damage my reputation, I might consider some sort of legal action, possibly some sort of injunction.

[Cowperson]

Originally Posted by Locke

I love the advice of 'Rent a U-Haul.' I'll have to remember that.

Its a rough situation, and I'm the first person to advocate ditching them, all of that 'family is forever' rhetoric is nonsense. Family are just people whom you afford more rope. Eventually anyone can can do things where you'll eventually just sever ties.

.

I am sure there are many people on this board who would agree with my experience, that the best thing I ever did early in life was move far enough away from my hometown (and relatives) that I couldn't really interact with them on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis.

When you're out of their wheelhouse and have to explore life on your own, you start to figure out they're not exactly the geniuses you once thought they were.

Relatives are only potential friends. They don't have to be obligatory friends because of some accident of blood.

Life is too short to be putting up with crap from relatives, even if its your mother/father.

There are 8,999,999,998 other people on the planet you can strike up a relationship with.

Be happy. That's the bottom line.

Cowperson

[DuffMan]

Actually, when I think about it a bit more, that part there where you said they wanted to see your pay stubs. I probably would've lost it right there and would be having zero contact with them at this point.

[photon]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

Seriously, recommend they talk to their pastor. If he's reasonable, he may advise what they're doing is stupid.

This might be a good tack to take too if you can't get it worked out directly.. IF he's reasonable (and I've met enough that aren't in this kind of situation where in the parent's mind their child is "unequally yoked" that it's not a given), some family counselling sessions might appease them to feel like the issue is being addressed so they'll back off and actually be productive having a mediator.

[flamesfever]

Besides the importance of setting boundaries, discussed above, you can make some changes which may help. Obviously they probably won't change, but you can. You can choose how to react to them. If you continue to allow them to push your buttons, then things probably won't improve. However, if you act as if they aren't getting through to you, and everytime you communicate with them, be as positive as you can, conveying all the good and happy things that you and you wife are doing to make your marriage successful, it may help to change their behaviour. It probably won't happen overnight, but with time it may help the situation.

[Plett25]

Here's the thing about cutting people out of your life... once you get to that point, they've probably pissed you off so often and so much that cutting them off is easy.

It is the years of being miserable that is hard.

But an accusation that you're beating your wife (assuming you're not of course) should be an absolute deal breaker. Anyone who makes that accusation has to be prepared to lose a relationship over it. If your inlaws aren't prepared, then you should cut them out of your life on the grounds of stupidity.

If I were you, I'd be concerned about your wife's lack of reaction. She should be going ballistic.

Other posters have touched on "family is forever" Well I think family is forever, but family is a fluid group. One of my definitions of family is the list of people you would call when the #### hits the fan. It doesn't sound like your in-laws would be on that list.

[Short Shift]

[chemgear]

Originally Posted by Bertuzzied

^^This. You won't have any leverage until you give them grandkids!

hmmm i wonder how my inlaws are going to react when they get back from HK and realizes i moved both their vehicles out of their garage and are storing my some of my comics there now... hehe

That seems like a terrible reason to have kids. You live at your parent's place (or they live with you?)

[Flash Walken]

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Laws-Str.../dp/0060507853