How to deal with horrible inlaws?

[TheGrimm]

I am shocked at how many people here are reading a half page summary of your situation and telling you to cut these people out of your life. How about less knee-jerk reaction and a bit more practical advice?

It sounds like your in-laws have some control issues with their child, some parents have a hard time giving up control in their kids lives. It looks like since they can't, you need to start taking that control back. This probably shouldn't be an all-at-once thing, and to be honest, this should probably come from your wife. She can be honest with her parents, and tell them that they need to respect your family unit and the decisions you are making, they don't have to agree, but they need to understand they can't force their will on you.

I obviously don't know your situation, but until you clearly state to them that they are offside, you aren't really giving them a chance to correct themselves.

[HELPNEEDED]

f it, tell em' to ef off, you don't need to report to anyone. Get hammered goto their house on a weekend and puke on their porch.

[mykalberta]

How old is your wife?

[HELPNEEDED]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

I am shocked at how many people here are reading a half page summary of your situation and telling you to cut these people out of your life. How about less knee-jerk reaction and a bit more practical advice?

It sounds like your in-laws have some control issues with their child, some parents have a hard time giving up control in their kids lives. It looks like since they can't, you need to start taking that control back. This probably shouldn't be an all-at-once thing, and to be honest, this should probably come from your wife. She can be honest with her parents, and tell them that they need to respect your family unit and the decisions you are making, they don't have to agree, but they need to understand they can't force their will on you.

I obviously don't know your situation, but until you clearly state to them that they are offside, you aren't really giving them a chance to correct themselves.

Wrong. He does what he wants in his house how he wants. It is no one else's business besides his wife's and his. If they want to get high on cocaine and LSD on the weekends so be it. The in-laws have zero right to intervene here.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

I am shocked at how many people here are reading a half page summary of your situation and telling you to cut these people out of your life. How about less knee-jerk reaction and a bit more practical advice?

It sounds like your in-laws have some control issues with their child, some parents have a hard time giving up control in their kids lives. It looks like since they can't, you need to start taking that control back. This probably shouldn't be an all-at-once thing, and to be honest, this should probably come from your wife. She can be honest with her parents, and tell them that they need to respect your family unit and the decisions you are making, they don't have to agree, but they need to understand they can't force their will on you.

I obviously don't know your situation, but until you clearly state to them that they are offside, you aren't really giving them a chance to correct themselves.

This.

If they don't listen, then cut them out of your life. Optional: Sending them a video of you and their daughter in a 'forbidden sexual position'.

Originally Posted by HELPNEEDED

Wrong. He does what he wants in his house how he wants. It is no one else's business besides his wife's and his. If they want to get high on cocaine and LSD on the weekends so be it. The in-laws have zero right to intervene here.

Of course they have a right to say something. They do also need to know that if they do say something, they can and likely will be told to STFU.

[Muta]

Covert to Islam. Watch fun ensue.

[Bertuzzied]

Originally Posted by HELPNEEDED

Wrong. He does what he wants in his house how he wants. It is no one else's business besides his wife's and his. If they want to get high on cocaine and LSD on the weekends so be it. The in-laws have zero right to intervene here.

Are you serious? So if i married your daughter and turned her into a drug addict you would not intervene? ridiculous

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by HELPNEEDED

Wrong. He does what he wants in his house how he wants. It is no one else's business besides his wife's and his. If they want to get high on cocaine and LSD on the weekends so be it. The in-laws have zero right to intervene here.

Where did I say it was their business? Read and comprehend before commenting.

[Gary83]

Originally Posted by Ozy_Flame

Sounds like they were likely problems before the marriage before, yes?

And if your wife is a "softie", I can't help but think she has suffered some degree of emotional abuse from these crazy folks? That's unfortunate.

This is about the time where you have to man up and defend yourself and your wife, even if it worsens things in the short term. In-laws are like pets - you show them you are the pack leader, and they'll respect you for it eventually.

By the way, are they gypsies by any chance?

This.

I actually have great in-laws, probably even better then my own parents. Unfortunately, to me it seems like your wife is just incapable of standing up to her own parents, which could be why they're continually so pushy with these issues, because she's not speaking up to say otherwise. Not sure if that's the case or not.

[Regular_John]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

I am shocked at how many people here are reading a half page summary of your situation and telling you to cut these people out of your life. How about less knee-jerk reaction and a bit more practical advice?

It sounds like your in-laws have some control issues with their child, some parents have a hard time giving up control in their kids lives. It looks like since they can't, you need to start taking that control back. This probably shouldn't be an all-at-once thing, and to be honest, this should probably come from your wife. She can be honest with her parents, and tell them that they need to respect your family unit and the decisions you are making, they don't have to agree, but they need to understand they can't force their will on you.

I obviously don't know your situation, but until you clearly state to them that they are offside, you aren't really giving them a chance to correct themselves.

This. It's the first year of marriage, and possibly the daughter's first time living outside of her parent's home (I'm really just guessing here). This isn't about religion or alcohol, but boundaries, and communicating those boundaries to all parties.

Ultimately the relationship with the in-laws will be determined by your wife, but you do have input & a right to speak up. Particularly if they are disrespecting your home & family, while I don't recommend cutting them out of your life cut & dry, you are within your rights to say "You are always welcome in our home, provided you are respectful of the fact that it is our home, and not yours. Your daughter and I are capable of running our own lives and we expect to be given the room to do so"

Cutting them out of your life forever should be a last resort, you have to at least communicate to them that they are out of line and giving them an opportunity to correct this behaviour before renting the U-Haul.

[automaton 3]

These people do not sound rational. I suspect that there is not much chance of reasoning with them.

Firm boundaries need to be set, and your spouse needs to be 100% onboard. She will likely need to stand up to her parents and siblings at some point - if it comes only from you they may think that what you are saying isn't truly what she believes and persist.

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by jaydorn

This. It's the first year of marriage, and possibly the daughter's first time living outside of her parent's home (I'm really just guessing here). This isn't about religion or alcohol, but boundaries, and communicating those boundaries to all parties.

Ultimately the relationship with the in-laws will be determined by your wife, but you do have input & a right to speak up. Particularly if they are disrespecting your home & family, while I don't recommend cutting them out of your life cut & dry, you are within your rights to say "You are always welcome in our home, provided you are respectful of the fact that it is our home, and not yours. Your daughter and I are capable of running our own lives and we expect to be given the room to do so"

Cutting them out of your life forever should be a last resort, you have to at least communicate to them that they are out of line and giving them an opportunity to correct this behaviour before renting the U-Haul.

This is a great comment, I'd just like to add that this is a two way street. If you are trying to assert independence in your household, make sure you are truly independent. If you are letting them help you financially, or have already been allowing them to make a lot of decisions for you, it's going to be an uphill battle to relinquish that control.

Also, you guys are pretty newly married, these things have a way of working themselves out over time. My relationship with my in-laws is a lot different now after 7 years of marriage than it was when we first got married. I remember having some pretty similar feelings when we first established our family, this is a pretty natural handoff in responsibilities.

[HELPNEEDED]

Originally Posted by Bertuzzied

Are you serious? So if i married your daughter and turned her into a drug addict you would not intervene? ridiculous

it was figurative.

[Handsome B. Wonderful]

Fire! And lots of it!

[Rathji]

Just a note: If you get to the point where you need to be setting these boundaries, and they won't go with it, the hardest part will be getting your wife onboard and doing it in a manner that she doesn't feel like you are pushing her away from her parents.

I say this because I have a family member who has distanced herself from us by her actions due to something she perceived that we did (we didn't actually do it, but that's a whole other story). So my wife at first pressured me in very small ways to have nothing to do with her. Stuff like minor complaining if I was going to see her when I could have been doing homework, housework, or spending time with our kids, etc.

Long story short, even though her complaints were very minor, they really made me upset because it was forcing me to choose between 2 people I shouldn't need to choose between, as I felt they both needed to be part of my life.

tl;dr
If you need to shut them out, because they can't follow the guidelines you guys have set, then be understanding if your wife has a hard time with it, and be very careful that you don't do anything that seems like it is punishing her for it.

[Handsome B. Wonderful]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

I am shocked at how many people here are reading a half page summary of your situation and telling you to cut these people out of your life. How about less knee-jerk reaction and a bit more practical advice?

I obviously don't know your situation, but until you clearly state to them that they are offside, you aren't really giving them a chance to correct themselves.

Do you really think her parents are going to change at this point? People's behaviours and attitudes are very hard to change. tenyardrambo is not going to be able to make them stop being a-holes.

So the question becomes "Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with a-holes?" Cutting off her family is the practical solution.

[sec304]

If my in-laws even came close to insinuating I beat my wife because of a bruise she has and that I'm an alcoholic without any sort of research of proof into it, I wouldn't be a nice as you are being.

You both need to stand up for yourselves and your life!

To me, family is very important and it was part of my decision in marrying my wife.

I've had to let go girlfriends in the past because I did not get along with her family.

[RedCoffee]

Tough situation. I once had to break off an engagement because I found out her family owed over $50000 in debt (accumulated by her father and older brother) and she would be the one responsible to pay for it. I told her to cut ties and start fresh with me, even if she had no money it was ok. We could start from the bottom up.

But she couldn't get away from it, she loved her brother and thought he was awesome. So I was stuck with a down payment on a house and mortgage to pay alone and I let her go so we couldn't get married.

You have to cut them out but she has to take the lead.

[Gary83]

Originally Posted by sec304

If my in-laws even came close to insinuating I beat my wife because of a bruise she has and that I'm an alcoholic without any sort of research of proof into it, I wouldn't be a nice as you are being.

You both need to stand up for yourselves and your life!

To me, family is very important and it was part of my decision in marrying my wife.

I've had to let go girlfriends in the past because I did not get along with her family.

What would you do? Threaten to beat them up?!

[sec304]

Originally Posted by Gary83

What would you do? Threaten to beat them up?!

Exactly, as soon as I was drunk I would.