Hitting another low point

[V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan]

Here’s some good news: my family doctor reached out to me and is setting me up with a psychologist to assess me.

The bad news story:
Here’s an unfortunate update on Me vs the evil girlboss (AKA my mom):

She triggered me to confront her when she admitted to reading my text today regarding my feelings. All she said was “Put your feelings aside and focus on passing the exam; you’re wasting your time…”

I was absolutely incensed by her dismissive comment so I fired back: “when you said ‘put your feelings aside and focus’ do you mean forget the fact that you told me how much I’m a waste of your time, money and effort?!”

She proceeded to [IMO] gaslight me saying stuff about how much she “cares about my future career” and that “you hate failing do you? So no need to get all angry at me…”

I decided to ignore her gaslighting ramblings about how I’m getting it all wrong/being too sensitive about it and took my shower.

She might as well wear a T-shirt with three evil words: girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep. Might as well write below it: “submit to me you bitch ass son”

[Titan2]

This is excellent news. Great to hear about the assessment.

Your response is excellent, and your seeing it as gaslighting is a tremendous stride. They are just words from someone who may want the best for you but has no idea how to express it. She is trying to deflect. You did well not to engage any further and to separate and do your own thing. The T-shirt is a great way to see what is happening so you can react to it calmly. Good job. I am proud of you.

[dissentowner]

I think you might be oversensitive like I am. People will tell you to just grow thick skin or let it go over you like water off a ducks back but if you are like me you are not wired that way. Even total strangers comments geared toward me negatively hurts which it shouldn't.

I am not going to give you advice on how to handle what you are going through when I am the last person to do so but if you ever want to talk about it I am a PM away.

[TrentCrimmIndependent]

If #### from family doesn't cut deep, then you're probably a robot. Because it's their words that form many parts of you. What many men don't get is that sensitivity is earned. Whereas a lack of it (or a healthy level of sensitivity) often comes from actually being gifted a healthy self-concept during your upbringing.

If you're not set up with the kind of self-esteem through positive reinforcement and met needs in your family/childhood environment to be that person who lets things simply roll off your back (because your self-concept has been decimated by your life at home as well as abroad) then being hypersensitive is a logical outcome to that. Being someone with a thick hide when you've had nowhere you can be/feel safe from insult wouldn't make sense at all. Unless you have a personality disposition that makes you oblivious.

We don't all get the same playing field in life in that way.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

I don't know if this is oversharing, but here I go anyway. When I was in my early 20s, I was in a very similar position to where you are now. I was working at hospital security, and while I was good at my job, I didn't have any real satisfaction, and I was really depressed about everything that was happening.

I still remember the feeling of one day at work when my supervisor made me write out a list of my personality faults. It really ####ed me up hard to the point where I was pretty convinced that it wasn't worth living anymore. At this point I managed to find support systems (similar to what you are doing right now) and slowly started to change things. I gave up on my initial goal of becoming a police officer and started working towards a new goal of working as a nurse. Things still aren't perfect in life but I look back to that dark spot where I was and it sounds a lot like where you are right now. I don't know if that helps or not but if you want to send me a PM and we can talk off line about things.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

I don't know if this is oversharing, but here I go anyway. When I was in my early 20s, I was in a very similar position to where you are now. I was working at hospital security, and while I was good at my job, I didn't have any real satisfaction, and I was really depressed about everything that was happening.

I still remember the feeling of one day at work when my supervisor made me write out a list of my personality faults. It really ####ed me up hard to the point where I was pretty convinced that it wasn't worth living anymore. At this point I managed to find support systems (similar to what you are doing right now) and slowly started to change things. I gave up on my initial goal of becoming a police officer and started working towards a new goal of working as a nurse. Things still aren't perfect in life but I look back to that dark spot where I was and it sounds a lot like where you are right now. I don't know if that helps or not but if you want to send me a PM and we can talk off line about things.

1. Hospital Security sounds like the absolute worst job ever and this is coming from a Tax Accountant who has worked at Greyhound and various other absolutely awful jobs.

2. Sitting someone down to list their faults? Thats how people get punched in the face. Thats a face punching offence.

[Puppet Guy]

We believe in you, Vinny.

[fotze2]

It’s harsh and I know maybe there is cultural things involved but your mom sounds like a total c word. She needs to get her face caved in. It is so inconceivable to me a parent can say that and not kill themself after. I could not live with myself if I said that to my kid. Took me a few days to even reply to this thread because it sets me off.

Feel guilty because I have privilege to not have that growing up. I cannot even wrap my head around my parent saying that. It would be devastating.

I have no advice other than get through this #### so you you can put them on your other side of life, and never look back. She does not deserve anything that you are or will become. It’s brutal but it’s making you strong. Not ideal but use it.

[Titan2]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

I don't know if this is oversharing, but here I go anyway. When I was in my early 20s, I was in a very similar position to where you are now. I was working at hospital security, and while I was good at my job, I didn't have any real satisfaction, and I was really depressed about everything that was happening.

I still remember the feeling of one day at work when my supervisor made me write out a list of my personality faults. It really ####ed me up hard to the point where I was pretty convinced that it wasn't worth living anymore. At this point I managed to find support systems (similar to what you are doing right now) and slowly started to change things. I gave up on my initial goal of becoming a police officer and started working towards a new goal of working as a nurse. Things still aren't perfect in life but I look back to that dark spot where I was and it sounds a lot like where you are right now. I don't know if that helps or not but if you want to send me a PM and we can talk off line about things.

Originally Posted by Locke

1. Hospital Security sounds like the absolute worst job ever and this is coming from a Tax Accountant who has worked at Greyhound and various other absolutely awful jobs.

2. Sitting someone down to list their faults? Thats how people get punched in the face. Thats a face punching offence.

Was your supervisor named...Mike Babcock? Sounds very Babcockian.

[Russic]

I was just gonna say that's such a Babcock move.

Parental abuse is such a devastating one because bonds are formed well before you ever had a choice in the matter. You don't get to choose your parents, and without them you die at a young age, so you end up in an "any mom in a storm" scenario. Their words can cut so deep because they basically wired us to need them and their approval.

[Scroopy Noopers]

I am very sorry this is happening to you.

A very very close friend of mine went through something similar with his mom. It was all appearance based negativity and mocking. It literally ruined his life, he was in a dark place for ages, up until he snapped and did something beyond terrible.

Please take care of yourself. And readers of this thread take care of yourselves. People close to us can completely upend and ruin your life.

[Titan2]

Hey Vinny, maybe check in here to keep us updated. I think you would find it helpful to post what you are thinking or going through. It will also show you that you are not doing this alone, and others have been through the same things. I went no contact with my Dad and with my Mom for long periods of time. I focused on my wife and kids. I know you are not there yet, but this is a far too common thing for many people. You need to focus on what YOU think of you and not waste energy on what others think.

[V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan]

I hate that I have struggles with finding motivation to keep living in this world every day.

I’ve stopped feeling motivated to get out of bed.

I’ve stopped giving a crap about my future with the whole pharmacy thing.

Probably because I throughly despise studying and taking all these dumb tests and exams that cost too much money.

It’s frustrating that I have to continue this vicious cycle of impressing everyone (my increasingly insufferable parents, my tutors, etc.)

Mental health is ruining me and everything around me.
I’ve asked my uncle (a doctor) to write up requisitions for psychiatrists to prescribe me antidepressants but no response.

My life keeps circling the drains and all I’m doing is delaying my inevitable downfall…

FYI for context a few minutes before I made this post, I got into another argument with my mom regarding my motivation to improve in time for PEBC exam this May. She accused me of abusing the long weekend for breaks when I should be grinding to study constantly. She even victim-shamed acting like I’m using my mental health problems as an excuse to slack off. I’m starting to think I’m just a parasite to this world and that people would be more happy if I’m not around…

[CaptainCrunch]

I'm well versed in being the disappointment of the family. I grew up with 3 sisters, two of whom were serious over achievers, one became a well known doctor in her field, one because a well known lawyer in her field and both travelled the world. My oldest sister was a free spirit, she was a bit of a criminal growing up, but when she straightened out she became something that my parents were really proud of turning around .


For me, I threw in the towel on competing with my sisters early on. I didn't find much in school that was interesting to me enough to put the effort in. History, Biology, English, I was better then average, everything else I kind of bombed at, probably setting school records for low marks. I was also a introvert, I didn't get along with my sisters, mainly because I was the youngest and my parents were never home. So I took a lot of abuse physically and mentally. My dad wisely set the rule "Boys don't hit girls", and the girls knew that and abused it.


Looking back my parents both had issues, my dad was raised in an incredibly broken family and was homeless from 16 into his 20's. My Mom looking back was really depressed all the time. Our house was from the outside to our neighbours, but inside it was anything but.



My story is similar to yours Vinny, looking back on it, I think I was learning disabled. I couldn't keep up, and I didn't find that sheer force of will until later.



My parents didn't know how to handle my low marks, or the fact that I just wasn't interested in anything at all for very long. My Dad came up with the all time hurtful lines "If you were ######ed I'd be proud of you". My Mom when I turned 17 would put signs on my bedroom door counting down the days til she could throw me out of the house. I couldn't find common ground with my parents, and they for a while resented me and I resented them. I scraped by in school, and I just became determined to get out of school alive. Other kids would bully me, and I would take it out on them.


I was probably on my way to a life of menial labour, not that there's anything wrong with that. or Food Services.



But what saved me, was when I joined the army out of spite for my parents. Yeah, I joined as an ultimate F you, and when I left the house I told my parents that they wouldn't hear from me again. I was good in the army, I found a passion in it, I got to do interesting things every day, and slowly the knots in my head began to untangle.



And no this isn't a recruiting ad.



My biggest regret was that I didn't stay in it. But at that time, the Army didn't pay well, the government sneered its nose at it. Though I got to see a bit of the world.



When I left I still had a bit of that directionless. I worked some warehouse jobs, but then decided on my own that I had to do something different, and I went back to school, and it was totally different, I didn't have the same pressures. I didn't have my parents berating me over my grades and my lack of initiative. I really started enjoy learning and more of those knots in my head untangled.



When I got done and got my degree, I actually had my parents tell me they were proud of it, but our relationship remained guarded for a long time . It was worse between my Dad and me then my mom in me.



But I learned more from friends that people aren't perfect, and that was true with my parents. I think they pushed me so brutally because frankly my Dad was an unloved kid who thought he had to be tough, and my Mom when you say back and looked at it, had some mental issues and couldn't deal with them, and took her frustrations out on me.



She wasn't evil, she wasn't cruel, nor was my Dad, they just didn't know how to deal.



Thank god I realized that, so I could do what I do when my mom went through that awful journey with Dementia, and my Dad really struggled with it and needed help, and I could be there though it wasn't easy.



Things aren't black and white when it comes to family it never is. But in your case, I think its best that you get some separation, When someone is beating down on you mentally for your own good, its actually for their own good. And its killing you, and its killing your spirit, and its killing your ability to tackle life.



Hey working towards a career in pharmacy, that's an amazing thing, and I'm sure its not easy. Find your drive in that.



Tell your mom or anyone else that is telling you that you're worthless or a disappointment that they're not helping and you love them, but you can't deal with it and its hurting you and your going to take a break.


And reading your last point, please get someone professional to talk to, there might be something more then one thing, and you need to talk it out.



Your doing good Vinny, you just need to get someone to help you realize that your good.



Story mode off.

[5abi]

Stay strong, I promise the tide will turn.

Life’s hard, but it and flows.

You need to chat, please message me anytime. This forum here is a great community with awesome people most better then myself. We’re here for you.


As for anti depressants, go see your family doc or a walking! I’m doing so myself on Monday

[Scroopy Noopers]

Originally Posted by V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan

I’m starting to think I’m just a parasite to this world and that people would be more happy if I’m not around…

Man, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s all too easy to experience that feeling when you are surrounded by people who are bad for you.

Stop talking to your mom. Share info with her as you choose, but stop asking her opinions and don’t even give her the opportunity to state them. You gotta do you, but you need to free yourself of the negativity as well. This doesn’t have to be permanent and you don’t have to burn bridges, but you need a big chunk of time away from people who are detrimental to your well being. On the flip side, it can absolutely be permanent if you want it to and you don’t owe anybody any sort of obligation of time spent, regardless of their relationship to you. It’s not wrong to cut off family who are undeniably bad for your health.

[BagoPucks]

You are allowed to be tired, needing rest and listening your body and mind. We all face these same challenges everyday. We are with you.

[3thirty]

Originally Posted by V1nnyTh3Flam35Fan

I hate that I have struggles with finding motivation to keep living in this world every day.

I’ve stopped feeling motivated to get out of bed.

I’ve stopped giving a crap about my future with the whole pharmacy thing.

Probably because I throughly despise studying and taking all these dumb tests and exams that cost too much money.

It’s frustrating that I have to continue this vicious cycle of impressing everyone (my increasingly insufferable parents, my tutors, etc.)

Mental health is ruining me and everything around me.
I’ve asked my uncle (a doctor) to write up requisitions for psychiatrists to prescribe me antidepressants but no response.

My life keeps circling the drains and all I’m doing is delaying my inevitable downfall…

FYI for context a few minutes before I made this post, I got into another argument with my mom regarding my motivation to improve in time for PEBC exam this May. She accused me of abusing the long weekend for breaks when I should be grinding to study constantly. She even victim-shamed acting like I’m using my mental health problems as an excuse to slack off. I’m starting to think I’m just a parasite to this world and that people would be more happy if I’m not around…

I've recently gone through something similar.

Talk to a family Dr or walk in clinic as soon as you can. Ask to be referred to access mental health where a psychiatrist will reach out. Be as open and honest as you can. I ended up in Day Hospital at foothills for 4 weeks and it made a significant change.

If you want to talk more PM me.

[Paulie Walnuts]

They have free services as well. It’s not a therapist but a social worker and they provide the same help just a bit different. Call AHS and they can get you in touch with someone.

[dissentowner]

Keep us in the loop Vinny. You are not alone with your struggles. One day at a time man. There has been some solid advice given here, hopefully it helps.