Anyone had separated parents, or separated with a young child?

[iggy_oi]

Originally Posted by STAMPEDRED

Are you married?

My advice will be (most likely) counter to all you receive.

Date your lady again. Sit back and observe her everyday - what she does, how she runs the house; how she interacts with your daughter. See the value in her again. Set aside your full resentment. When it rears its head - choose to not embrace it - rather watch how she is.

You’ll start to see what she does that you take for granted. If you’re not married - you’ve already taken her for granted as well as not valued her. Not fighting words - it’s the truth. Part of being the man in the relationship. So be the man / the leader. Involves righting the ship and doing what’s necessary. It’s not solely your daughter that you are doing it for. You chose this lady. She had your child. Value her for that. Your daughter will appreciate siblings. Plural. You will too.

Choose not to fight / argue. Not to be a wallflower - but don’t bite on any strife that arises. I’ll give you a verse to stand on: God is not the god of confusion, but of peace (order) - in James 3:16 states “ where envy and strife is there is confusion and every evil thing.” So you can put these together and realize that God is not in the strife - so it can be read as where envy and strife is there is the devil and every evil thing.

Take up the peace of God in your life and you’ll notice things you’ve been blind to. God is for you, your relationship, your daughter: not against. That alone should encourage you greatly. You would hear hardly any of this inside a church wall - but you got it on CP lol.

Take that advice, apply it, and you will see positive changes! Be encouraged.

I think your advice can be good in some cases but you can’t apply it to all situations or guarantee a positive outcome. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and you can’t try to force someone to stay with you.

To the OP, it’s going to be a change and a difficult one at that but you will get through it. I know lots of people who grew up with great relationships with both of their parents after a divorce, frankly I probably know more people who hate one or both parents in situations where they stayed together.

The most important thing right now is to work on yourself and heal so that you can be in a position to be the best single dad you can be. It’s clear that you genuinely care about your kid and that’s really the most important part of maintaining a good relationship. A lot of things are going to be out of your control as you go through separation and divorce so my advice would be to not focus on trying to change what you can’t. Prioritize getting your living arrangements figured out and getting shared custody.

Shared custody isn’t always easy to get even for good fathers and affects everything from child support to decision making abilities. You never know what the other parent might try to do so talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row as soon as possible to avoid getting railroaded, even if you think your former spouse would never try to do something like that. Better to be safe than sorry.

Wishing you all the best, if you ever need to vent or have questions about stuff you don’t want post publicly you’re welcome to pm me anytime. Stay strong for yourself and your daughter

[TrentCrimmIndependent]

From what I've gathered, the situation can keep from being too detrimental to the child if a baseline of friendship and respect between separated parents continues.

If both parents are open and transparent about the situation and tend to child's questions and concerns, and maintain a level of care and respect despite their relationship not working out, it can remain a positive situation albeit more complex than a traditional single family upbringing.

While 3 is very young, keep in mind that many children do create a narrative of self blame from the event of their immediate family fracturing. That's just a product of how a child relates to the world when they don't understand its complexities. But I think it's more prevalent when the parents aren't transparent, open and reassuring about the situation, and instead leave the child to make sense of it on their own.

Upholding respect in spite of differences and history and letting that be the example that your child witnesses is really important I'd say.

Separated parents who fall into blaming, self-interest and petty arguments are also hurting the development of their children and what they witness as the most visible example of a relationship in their life will shape how they form relationships in the future.

Putting grievances aside, outside of in private, will be key. And really, its a good test of character for you too. Can you uphold good values when the ego is bruised? That's the ultimate challenge, and many separated parents fail at it.

[Buff]

I knew a girl about 20 years ago. She married the guy she was dating at the time and they had at least two kids, maybe 3? They got divorced. She remarried and had another kid and go divorced.

I have lost track how many kids she has and what number of marriages she is on, but she's been divorced 3 times and has at least 5 kids. Every Christmas she hosts a family dinner that includes all the fathers of her kids. They all get along. I don't understand how that happens.

My sister-in-law has two kids from two dads. She has nothing to do with either kid. There was a movie about our nephew, maybe you've seen it? It's called Joker. Messed up situation all around. We still see our nephew, unfortunately, but haven't seen our niece in over 6 years.

So there you have two stark contrasting situations. I hate the 2nd situation (especially because it's somewhat close to home) but I admire the 1st situation. Whatever that chick is doing, she's doing it right.

[Titan2]

Lots of good advice here. My parents were divorced due to infidelity, so that made it worse. They were also not great at soft skills so it was fairly rough.

My friend group has had a number of divorces which we got to witness. The worst ones are where one party feels they were wronged. They were not able to get past that for the sake of the kids. They ended up out of the group and lost all respect of the friend group.

Is this good for the kid or not good for the kid is the only question you need to ask when making a decision.

You don't have to like your ex but must be able to communicate and make decisions with them for the rest of your life. Don't sweat the small stuff. Be mature. Is it better to argue via lawyers or take your kid to Disneyland? That is what it will cost, at least. Don't be petty. Do what you would want them to do. Listen to your kid.

Not to sound like a broken record on here but get therapy. You have not been divorced before. You don't know how it will go. Talk to someone that has seen it hundreds of times and can help you through it. Maybe joint-custody sessions as well. Try to get on the same page with your ex.


Finally, in the spirit of the poster, all in good fun... you need this shirt:

NSFW!

[FlamesAddiction]

My parents split up when I was 6 months old so I had no memory of them ever being together or the messiness of the divorce, but I heard from others that it was pretty bad. My mother had full custody and my father had weekend visitation rights and always showed up when able to. He also always paid his child support payments on time which made things easy for everyone, although the payments were small ($75 per month per child so $150 in total in 1980s money). If we needed extra money for something, my dad would give a little more now and then. Also, neither of them re-married. They dated, but but never like a live-in situation so there was never a competition with ex's or battles between step parents and kids. My mother had a longer term partner when I was a kid, but he was a really good guy and easy going. My dad just dated 20 year olds.

Because I was so young when it happened, it was probably a lot easier on me than a lot of kids, plus the fact that they were more or less civil to each other. They would bad mouth each other behind each other's backs sometimes, but I learned pretty quick to tune it out. The only thing that sucked is when my father had to relocate for work and I only got to see him once in a while for a few years, but he always sent gifts and called. When my mother passed away, I could have lived with him permanently but chose not to. Not because of a bad relationship or anything, but my sister who was legally an adult offered to take me which just seemed like a lot more fun.

[troutman]

As a divorced parent and former divorce lawyer, I think in many cases it is better for the children if their parents would separate. Growing up in an unhappy home is not providing the children the best experiences. In my parents’ generation divorce was rare, and many people lived through unhappy marriages. Maybe half of children today are raised by separated parents. Children can thrive if their best interests are put first.

Before you can get divorced in Alberta, you must take the Parenting After Separation course. One principle of the best interests of the children, is that they enjoy maximum contact with both parents, consistent with their best interests. Social science supports this concept.

I am fortunate that my ex and I had an amicable divorce, and we are still friends that enjoy together the growth of our two adult sons. Of course it was difficult and there were some rough moments, but the boys are thriving now.

My youngest son thanked me last summer - he is very grateful that he was raised by amicable parents.

[FlamesAddiction]

Originally Posted by troutman

As a divorced parent and former divorce lawyer, I think in many cases it is better for the children if there parents would separate. Growing up in an unhappy home is not providing the children the best experiences. In my parents’ generation divorce was rare, and many people lined through unhappy marriages. Maybe half of children today are raised by separated parents. Children can thrive if their best interests are put first.

Before you can get divorce in Alberta, you must take the Parenting After Separation course. One principle of the best interests of the children, is that they enjoy maximum contact with both parents, consistent with their best interests. Social science supports this concept.

I am fortunate that my ex and I had an amicable divorce, and we are still friends that enjoy together the growth of our two adult sons. Of course it was difficult and there were some rough moments, but the boys are thriving now.

My youngest son thanked me last summer - he is very grateful that he was raised by amicable parents.

Yeah, I consider myself lucky that I didn't have to live in a household where the parents fought a lot or were just unhappy. Being a single mom was definitely hard on my mother and we had some challenges because of it, but the alternative probably would have been worse.

I think the most important thing is that the parents act civilized to each other after the divorce if you don't want to risk having a bad relationship with the kids.

[Goriders]

Originally Posted by 81MC

I’ve never known anyone whose parents were separated and it wasn’t ####ty. I don’t know anyone who has children of their own and separated and it wasn’t ####ty. Anyone had experience with either situation that was actually good, if not just not terrible?

My daughter is 3, and is my life. I adore her, and I think I’m a very good father to her. Things just aren’t going to work out with her mother and I, which is whatever. But the thought of losing seeing my daughter every day, being there for breakfast and bath time and story time etc just kills me.

I see know way a split household isn’t anything but worse for her. If I knew some folks managed to raise happy kids and maintained strong relationships with them over the years that might help me out.

Cohabiting and the like pretty much off the table. Her mother and I pretty much done relationship wise, I don’t think there’s any long-term coming back to a real relationship. My hope is to maintain our facade well enough and long enough to get the logistics figured out, but pull the plug before mutual resentment makes any semblance of teamwork impossible.

Honestly though I’m at such a loss about the life of our daughter. It seems so unfair to her, and if it were purely up to me I could probably live with a total apathy to her mother but I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone.

Someone please tell me their relationship with their divorced dad was anything better than the guy you have to go see sometimes

Having gone through it. The hardest adjustment was not seeing my daughters everyday. Your relationship with them is up to you. I put a lot of effort in and I think my relationship is still solid. Maybe better than it was before.

Debated the staying together for the kids vs separating and common take from people that had been through it was it was better for the kids not to have to watch a dysfunctional relationship. They know when things aren’t going well. Tension in the house ect.

It’s definitely an adjustment for everyone. Not fun for the first year or so as you rebuild your lives. But like anything if you put the effort in it can be as good as you make of it. I know I’m definitely way happier and in a healthy relationship again. I’m certain it’s better for my girls to be in that environment over the previous one.

[afc wimbledon]

Can't speak for anyone else but for me the separation was grim, we had no rules and so it was just endless fighting, it got way easier once we got lawyers and went to court, basically nothing to fight about after that, the court set the rules.
I didn't argue about possessions, pretty much let the ex have most of them, dug in on custody and guardianship, 50/50 on both, happily paid child support but again dug in over alimony (child support is limited, alimony is forever)

Saw my kid every other day, if only to just meet her for lunch, never ever badmouthed my ex to my kid ever no matter how much of a crazy cow she was (and she was and is crazier than a #### house rat), dated but never introduced my girlfriends to my kid, kid time was sacred.

Ex is now going through another divorce, making my daughters life hell frankly and I had to be the good dad and let my kid invite her to my house for thanksgiving, now I have my ex texting me maudlin 'where did it go wrong?' texts and I bite my lip and don't text back 'well I married a bat #### crazy nutbar!'

It's all about being a good dad, nothing else matters, that's your loadstar

[Scroopy Noopers]

Sorry to read that 81MC. Lots of good advice here. I didn’t experience this personally, but lots of people are making clear points that you never bad mouth your ex to your kid. It’s shocking how much this happens, it’s a terrible look and maybe the worst thing you can do.