Anyone had separated parents, or separated with a young child?

[81MC]

I’ve never known anyone whose parents were separated and it wasn’t ####ty. I don’t know anyone who has children of their own and separated and it wasn’t ####ty. Anyone had experience with either situation that was actually good, if not just not terrible?

My daughter is 3, and is my life. I adore her, and I think I’m a very good father to her. Things just aren’t going to work out with her mother and I, which is whatever. But the thought of losing seeing my daughter every day, being there for breakfast and bath time and story time etc just kills me.

I see know way a split household isn’t anything but worse for her. If I knew some folks managed to raise happy kids and maintained strong relationships with them over the years that might help me out.

Cohabiting and the like pretty much off the table. Her mother and I pretty much done relationship wise, I don’t think there’s any long-term coming back to a real relationship. My hope is to maintain our facade well enough and long enough to get the logistics figured out, but pull the plug before mutual resentment makes any semblance of teamwork impossible.

Honestly though I’m at such a loss about the life of our daughter. It seems so unfair to her, and if it were purely up to me I could probably live with a total apathy to her mother but I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone.

Someone please tell me their relationship with their divorced dad was anything better than the guy you have to go see sometimes

[cam_wmh]

First off, sorry to hear of the impeding separation, and the tough times ahead. Your heart is in the the right place, and seems you're doing best to make decisions with your daughter front of mind.
I can't offer much in terms of advice, other than chin up, and thanks for sharing during such a vulnerable time.

[Whynotnow]

My experience was ideal as it could be. My parents split up in the 80’s and kept us first and foremost. Only once did I try to play them off each other, and when I did mom picked up the phone and asked my dad about it and I was caught out. They both were furious with me and I never tried that little trick again.

They both remarried and each of my step parents became an integral part of my life. Along with them came step siblings, extra cousins, aunts/uncles and grandparents. I often say I can’t imagine my life with only 2 parents. They are still integral today. My two sets of parents became close friends and we never had issue having them both over for kids parties, holidays, etc. They would hug and genuinely cared for each other. My dad is gone, and there a chance my mom wil go before my stepdad, and I will be left with my stepmom and stepdad, and I’m thankful I still will have them.

Honestly, it was ideal and it started with them putting us kids first and foremost and burying all the crap. It must have been hard, very hard, but they did it and I respect them so much for it. I think they also tried to remember the love they had for each other at one point.

I loved my dad dearly, he was a great father and was in know ways a guy I just went to see. I miss him almost every day and he’s been gone 3 years.

I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m happy my parents split up. It was a gift to themselves as they weren’t happy and a gift to us as having unhappy parents would be bad. It will be hard, it was on me at times, but on reflection it was the right thing and we were happy.

PM me if you’d like, there’s more to the story, there always is but I want you to know this can work.

[KelVarnsen]

My parents separated when I was 9 and my sister was 6. It sucked for a while as we learned what to do but it worked out well.

Just be the best dad you can.

[The Fonz]

I don’t have personal experience with this situation, but I’ve seen it with plenty of young families. My advice would be to make sure your child is involved in sports, etc, then you can be there half the time getting them to and from, helping with equipment, watching every game, and so on. You’d be a very involved and valued parent.

Don’t let your child become a homebody/loner, and your relationship consist of picking them up for a 2hr duty visit and then returning them home to their mother.

Edit: introduce your child to activities that they enjoy, and make sure that they have every opportunity to experience them

[STAMPEDRED]

Are you married?

My advice will be (most likely) counter to all you receive.

Date your lady again. Sit back and observe her everyday - what she does, how she runs the house; how she interacts with your daughter. See the value in her again. Set aside your full resentment. When it rears its head - choose to not embrace it - rather watch how she is.

You’ll start to see what she does that you take for granted. If you’re not married - you’ve already taken her for granted as well as not valued her. Not fighting words - it’s the truth. Part of being the man in the relationship. So be the man / the leader. Involves righting the ship and doing what’s necessary. It’s not solely your daughter that you are doing it for. You chose this lady. She had your child. Value her for that. Your daughter will appreciate siblings. Plural. You will too.

Choose not to fight / argue. Not to be a wallflower - but don’t bite on any strife that arises. I’ll give you a verse to stand on: God is not the god of confusion, but of peace (order) - in James 3:16 states “ where envy and strife is there is confusion and every evil thing.” So you can put these together and realize that God is not in the strife - so it can be read as where envy and strife is there is the devil and every evil thing.

Take up the peace of God in your life and you’ll notice things you’ve been blind to. God is for you, your relationship, your daughter: not against. That alone should encourage you greatly. You would hear hardly any of this inside a church wall - but you got it on CP lol.

Take that advice, apply it, and you will see positive changes! Be encouraged.

[chemgear]

You seem to have your focus and priorities straight here. Sounds like a tough situation but one in which that I think you'll do well.

Not easy to open up about that situation. Don't get discouraged, there will be ups and downs I am sure. The effort will be remembered and well worth it in the end for your daughter and yourself.


(As an aside, I remember being stunned about somebody posting on here years back about their troubles with their kids and was basically giving up on the later. Something like "that they were just waiting for them to get old enough to leave their house, oh well it is what it is." Seemed pretty wild and ####ty. Don't be like that.)

[GGG]

My parents getting divorced improved my life.

The stress level and amount of arguing was far lower than divorced. Both were very good about not criticizing the other one in front of us.

I think your comparison is misplaced. You see to be comparing a functional relationship with two parents who love eachother with divorced parents who fight all the time. I think a more realistic comparison is two parents together who fight all the time with divorced parents who fight and argue less. If you can get back to where you are in a real loving relationship then sure that is better but if the choice is unhappy together vs less unhappy apart the latter will be better.

Both my parents remained a big part of my life. Fight for joint custody, choose to live near eachother so your child can live in both your houses while going to the same school so you can truly have 50/50 custody.

Good luck, if you both put your kid first she and you will be fine.

[curves2000]

I am not married or have children but I know the value of a loving home with both parents. I know things are never easy being married, I see that first hand but potentially leaving and starting over may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Are there legit changes that you BOTH can make that would make a world of a difference in your relationship? If you ask your friends/family and she did the same, would people offer legit advice on how to correct what ails the relationship?

Sometimes things just can't work out and that is how it goes. A lot of times people will make changes in a marriage for another person when if they had done the same in their existing marriage, things could have been different.

Control what you can control and change within yourself and hopefully that brings about change with her.

These things have a habit of spiking during Christmas/New Years. See what is fueling this spiral downwards.

I really hope you can all figure it out for everybody's sake.

[Street Pharmacist]

I have a 25 year old son who no longer lived with me full time since he was a baby. His mother and I still say happy Father's/Mother's Day to each other and never once argued about child support. I have a great relationship with my son and always have. The key was making sure we both understood that we can't have 4000 different lines in the sand. I didn't like him getting an Eminem CD for his 8th birthday, but it's not the kind of thing to start a fight over.

My favorite advice I heard was "You can start a war any time, but you can't always make peace". I credit most of the success to that

[Amethyst]

A split household is better than a household where her parents hate each other. And it's better than a household where they are unhappy with their situation, even if they're not actively arguing. Is that the kind of "relationship" you want to model for her future? Probably not.

I know people who manage well with co-parenting. One thing that is a lot more common now is where the kids spend half their time with each parent (usually alternating weeks). That way you are both parenting in all situations, rather one parent handling all the school, discipline, etc, and the other one being the "fun parent" who only spends a few weekend hours with the kid.

And find a friend, therapist, whoever, to discuss things with. Never badmouth your ex to your child. Kids are great at blaming themselves for things. And (usually) they will love the other parent, so if they think you can't stand her, it puts them in an awkward situation.

[metallicat]

My ex and I divorced when our son was 8, and we have an excellent co-parenting relationship now. Our son has two loving homes, and while it isn’t “ideal” both his mom and I are happier apart and thus probably better parents. Divorce doesn’t always have to be acrimonious and disastrous for children. Not everyone can get along with their ex-wife like I can, but I much prefer this arrangement to something more stressful. This is easier on everyone.

[redforever]

Originally Posted by 81MC

I’ve never known anyone whose parents were separated and it wasn’t ####ty. I don’t know anyone who has children of their own and separated and it wasn’t ####ty. Anyone had experience with either situation that was actually good, if not just not terrible?

My daughter is 3, and is my life. I adore her, and I think I’m a very good father to her. Things just aren’t going to work out with her mother and I, which is whatever. But the thought of losing seeing my daughter every day, being there for breakfast and bath time and story time etc just kills me.

I see know way a split household isn’t anything but worse for her. If I knew some folks managed to raise happy kids and maintained strong relationships with them over the years that might help me out.

Cohabiting and the like pretty much off the table. Her mother and I pretty much done relationship wise, I don’t think there’s any long-term coming back to a real relationship. My hope is to maintain our facade well enough and long enough to get the logistics figured out, but pull the plug before mutual resentment makes any semblance of teamwork impossible.

Honestly though I’m at such a loss about the life of our daughter. It seems so unfair to her, and if it were purely up to me I could probably live with a total apathy to her mother but I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone.

Someone please tell me their relationship with their divorced dad was anything better than the guy you have to go see sometimes

My daughter and her former partner separated when my grandson was 4 years old. They made a conscious decision that it was not going to affect my grandson. They did so without the help of lawyers as well, saving a lot of money.

From the beginning, my grandson lived with one parent for one week, and the other parent the next week. They decided that if my grandson was stressed and wanted a visit with the other parent, they would accommodate that.

That was 13 years ago. Since then, my daughter's former partner has moved closer to where my daughter lives, to accommodate school attendance.

It was hard on both parents the first year or two but they managed to stay civil, for the sake of my grandson.

We get together as a group for all major occasions, including the new partner of my grandson's father. It is not hard unless you make it hard.

And think of the circumstances of how you separated. My daughter has said repeatedly that although as partners they could not get along long term, that does not mean that either was a bad parent and that my grandson should be punished for that.


Sorry, had a typo. They separated when my grandson was 4 years of age.

[redforever]

nm, corrected my previous post.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I don't have personal experience, but one of my best friends and his wife separated a few years ago. They have 2 girls together.

They each out the girls first above all else. While their marriage didn't work, their friendship still does. Nothing personal between them ever seems to be in front of the kids.

Neither deny the other. In fact, he's been on family vacation with her family as the girls were going.

I also had a great uncle who divorced his wife. Kids always came first and he and his ex would still hang out together.

Put your child's needs first. Don't be strict with time and vacations. Make sure they're loved and cared for by both parents.

Best of luck

[PaperBagger'14]

Originally Posted by 81MC

I’ve never known anyone whose parents were separated and it wasn’t ####ty. I don’t know anyone who has children of their own and separated and it wasn’t ####ty. Anyone had experience with either situation that was actually good, if not just not terrible?

My daughter is 3, and is my life. I adore her, and I think I’m a very good father to her. Things just aren’t going to work out with her mother and I, which is whatever. But the thought of losing seeing my daughter every day, being there for breakfast and bath time and story time etc just kills me.

I see know way a split household isn’t anything but worse for her. If I knew some folks managed to raise happy kids and maintained strong relationships with them over the years that might help me out.

Cohabiting and the like pretty much off the table. Her mother and I pretty much done relationship wise, I don’t think there’s any long-term coming back to a real relationship. My hope is to maintain our facade well enough and long enough to get the logistics figured out, but pull the plug before mutual resentment makes any semblance of teamwork impossible.

Honestly though I’m at such a loss about the life of our daughter. It seems so unfair to her, and if it were purely up to me I could probably live with a total apathy to her mother but I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone.

Someone please tell me their relationship with their divorced dad was anything better than the guy you have to go see sometimes

My parents split when I was still a kid but much older than your daughter. I don’t want to dive into everything about it, but because of my dads actions at the time I resented him until I was about 18 (good news here is it doesn’t sound like you and him were anything alike).

Once I was an adult and I saw my Dad take massive strides in himself, and never reverting back to the man he was, I gained a lot of respect for him. Coincidentally my mother began to play the same mind games with me that she used to do with him. None of this changes what happened back then but let’s just say this, my mother ghosted her grandsons first birthday and I FaceTime my dad every night so my Dad can see him and they can connect.

This is no death sentence for you and your daughter’s relationship. A happy Dad sets a great example for her to follow.

[Russic]

That you care enough to worry about this means you won't be a sh*t dad. The dad you're worried about being is the promise-to-show-up-to-the-big-game-and-doesn't dad, and you're clearly not that.

Losing that 100% time with them is legit though, and I'm sorry. I think a ton of relationships rot on the vine for this reason entirely. Sucks.

I realize the quote "do it or don't, you'll regret both" sounds pretty pessimistic, but really you're between a rock and a hard place. Neither direction is particularly great here, but divorce might be the lesser of two evils.

My ears perk up whenever somebody starts predicting the future. Humans are far worse at that than we think we are. It's very easy to come up with a story where this divorce ruins your kid and maybe you just suffer through it and it all works out. It's way too difficult to play that game though.

I heard a great tip from a divorce lawyer on a podcast: no matter how much you hate your ex... even if she did the most heinous stuff imaginable to you... on holidays that involve gifts (mother's Day, birthdays, christmas etc), you take your kid out and give them money to buy a present for the other parent. Kids want to gift things to their parents but can't, and it's harder when there's fighting. Apparently he put that into every separation agreement he's ever made and it's the #1 thing that gets cut out by the other party.

It definitely happens successfully. I know a guy who split up with his wife, they sold the house and bought a couple townhomes in the same area so the kid could walk between houses. They're far better friends and parent partners than romantic partners.

[Toast_Man]

My parents split when I was 3, so I guess I can speak to this. Having divorced parents was my normal because I remember next to nothing of them together. Growing up I felt bad for kids whose parents divorced while the kid could remember what it was like before.

My mom had primary custody of my sister and I, and we visited my Dad for a month in the summer and rotated holidays. That was my normal growing up. For the most part my parents got along and I loved the time I spent with my Dad. Just remembering this makes me tear up a little, he passed away 2 years ago. I miss him every day.

Some advice I can give is stay on good terms with your daughter's mother and always be engaged in her life, support her interests.

It's going to be tough, but you've got this.

[PepsiFree]

Yeah, it sucks, but if you’re at the point where divorce/separation is inevitable, then there’s only two bad options available, but I think the divorce route has more opportunity to make the best of a bad situation, because at very least you can give them a healthy household 50% of the time.

My friend is a family counsellor that specializes in divorce. She’s got wild stories, but the vast majority of negative stuff is routed in a lack of personal responsibility and parents putting their needs above the children (unconsciously) or trying to mask their wants as what is best for the kids. Her advice is always routed in the idea that how you treat your co-parent is how you treat your kids, regardless of whether you know it or not.

If you don’t want to be the person she only sees sometimes, don’t be that person. That’s entirely up to you. 50/50 splits happen all the time and can be healthily arranged. And regardless of your own feelings, your daughter should never know anything but love and respect for her mother from you. Ever. If you have to fake it, sure, but you shouldn’t. She’s the mother of the person you love and you wouldn’t have your daughter if it wasn’t for her, so treat her with the level of respect and admiration that deserves.

[blankall]

As someone who deals with a fair bit of divorce, from a legal perspective. The best advice I can give is put your children's welfare above any petty beefs you may have with your former spouse. Yes it's going to be awful not seeing your child when you want and having to send your ex money every month is going to sting. The worst thing you can do is let those issues blow up into something major that neither party is willing to compromise on. There's nothing sadder than reading a psychologists report where the child's greatest issue has become how their parents can't stop fighting.

Saying together, in a failed relationship, for the sake of children is also a bad idea. They witness fighting and a lack of intimate relationship and that can cause more issues than a divorce. I know lots of people who grew up with divorced parents and turned out fine, and I know lots of people who grew up around dysfunctional relationship and they ended up messed up. At the end of the day, the way the parents actually act and parent is far more important than whether or not a traditional nuclear family exists.

Edit: wasn't implying that the OP or his partner were acting in any particularly way.