CP Women/Dating Discussion Thread #841 & #842

[Dion]

Originally Posted by J pold

Ahh yes telling a woman she can’t stay to her own house after just 2 months of dating…a true sign of a lasting relationship

And if you can't communicate honestly how you feel and the reasons why she should stay at your place, then maybe the relationship is not worth continuing. Considering the fact she had a fling with that guy, she's not helping out the situation either.

[jammies]

Originally Posted by rubecube

It's a bit extreme but so is saying that you should trust someone completely after two months.

Exactly. You aren't the bad guy in this situation, only a fool would trust someone completely after knowing them for 2 months.

For those who say "oh yah I would" - are you the same people getting married down in Vegas after knowing each other for a few weeks? 'Cause that's about the level of naivety I'm thinking is necessary.

[Flames_Gimp]

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

From what I hear, I would have way too much competition in Calgary.

could get a lil flames gimp action out here

[Eastern Girl]

She isn't asking for permission, cause quite frankly, she doesn't need it (and neither would he if it were reversed). She is asking for his opinion. He should give it and leave it at that. She'll make a decision, hopefully, taking his thoughts into consideration. If she decides to let the friend stay there regardless of his feelings, then he needs to figure out how much that bothers him and whether he wants to move on or stay.

[Eastern Girl]

Originally Posted by jammies

Exactly. You aren't the bad guy in this situation, only a fool would trust someone completely after knowing them for 2 months.

For those who say "oh yah I would" - are you the same people getting married down in Vegas after knowing each other for a few weeks? 'Cause that's about the level of naivety I'm thinking is necessary.

My question to you would be at what point should someone completely trust the person they are with? My thought is that it's one of those things that isn't black or white. There is no set time frame for trust, so I don't think you can say someone who trusts after a few months is foolish. Again, just my humble opinion.

[Eastern Girl]

Originally Posted by Flames_Gimp

could get a lil flames gimp action out here

Just a little?

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

She isn't asking for permission, cause quite frankly, she doesn't need it (and neither would he if it were reversed). She is asking for his opinion. He should give it and leave it at that. She'll make a decision, hopefully, taking his thoughts into consideration. If she decides to let the friend stay there regardless of his feelings, then he needs to figure out how much that bothers him and whether he wants to move on or stay.

Which is what kind of bothered me in the first place. She didn't really ask how I felt or what I would think, she just sort of announced it and then was shocked when I wasn't exactly thrilled about it. I didn't get enraged and start yelling, I just told her that I didn't really like the idea of her spending the night under the same roof has a guy she used to fool around with.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

She isn't asking for permission, cause quite frankly, she doesn't need it (and neither would he if it were reversed). She is asking for his opinion. He should give it and leave it at that. She'll make a decision, hopefully, taking his thoughts into consideration. If she decides to let the friend stay there regardless of his feelings, then he needs to figure out how much that bothers him and whether he wants to move on or stay.

She's being a tad self centered in this situation. It should be obvious to her that what she's asking is putting unfair stress on the relationship. If she cared at all she wouldn't be doing this.

Frankly if it was me i'd tell to make sure the door doesn't hit her on the way out.

[CaptainCrunch]

Dude, let her friend sleep at her house with her. If the relationship gets serious it gets you at least one get out of jail act no matter how heinous the act is.

trip over a rock and fall naked on her sister? "Hey I let that guy that you messed around sleep at your house no question asked"

Accidentally lear down her moms blouse during a family picnic "I trusted you"

Suggest a threesome with her hot cousin, waive that get out of jail free card high and proud.

[flylock shox]

Let me preface this by saying that I am shocked, SHOCKED, at the helpful turn this thread has taken. The dropoff in sheer jackassery since question 843 was posed is very disappointing.

I agree with the below:

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

My question to you would be at what point should someone completely trust the person they are with? My thought is that it's one of those things that isn't black or white. There is no set time frame for trust, so I don't think you can say someone who trusts after a few months is foolish. Again, just my humble opinion.

I know I would react badly to any girlfriend of mine trying to tell me who I can and cannot associate with. Particularly so in my case because I'm friends with most of my exes, and ultimately I'm not going to tell these friends (or any others) to bugger off just because my girlfriend doesn't like me talking to them. If she's got a problem, it means there are deeper trust issues in the relationship which need to be addressed. This situation with the other dude coming to stay with this girl is doing nothing more than triggering symptoms of a disease which is already there.

That said, you're free to make your feelings known, and if she asks you to trust her then trust her. If you can't trust her, ask yourself why. And if you find you've got good reasons not to trust her, start hitting on some other dames and move on. If she breaches your trust, spread terrible lies about her hygienic practices via the interweb. That's the mature approach IMO.

[Eastern Girl]

Originally Posted by rubecube

Which is what kind of bothered me in the first place. She didn't really ask how I felt or what I would think, she just sort of announced it and then was shocked when I wasn't exactly thrilled about it. I didn't get enraged and start yelling, I just told her that I didn't really like the idea of her spending the night under the same roof has a guy she used to fool around with.

Ah, I see. I missed that part of your original post, my apologies. So she never actually asked you how you felt about it? She just mentioned it and you offered your opinion? If so, that does suck. She should have done what I said and asked for your thoughts and then decided, taking that into consideration. It is her decision ultimately, but she should have known that it might be something that would bother you.

Either way, the rest of what I wrote still applies. You now get to decide how much this bothers you.

[Eastern Girl]

Originally Posted by Dion

She's being a tad self centered in this situation. It should be obvious to her that what she's asking is putting unfair stress on the relationship. If she cared at all she wouldn't be doing this.

Frankly if it was me i'd tell to make sure the door doesn't hit her on the way out.

I don't know, based on what little I know of this situation, it doesn't seem as diabolical as some are making it out to be. She is allowed to do what she wants, just as he is. She wants this friend to stay with her and she wants her boyfriend to trust her. He can decide whether he does or not.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Originally Posted by flylock shox

Let me preface this by saying that I am shocked, SHOCKED, at the helpful turn this thread has taken. The dropoff in sheer jackassery since question 843 was posed is very disappointing.

Here Here

[zukes]

Originally Posted by 4X4

Thought that might sound like I was speaking directly to your situation... I'm saying that there are situations like this where the ultimate demise of the relationship is that the libidos don't match up. For example, I once started a booty call relationship with a girl that just claimed to be too busy to have a real relationship. It turned out that she was married. Now, I didn't take it personally... She just needed a little extra on the side. Needless to say, when I figured that out, she was history.
Get this: I figured it out because one day she forgot to take off her wedding ring.

After time healed some wounds I don't hold it against her either. There were enough signs that I must have known on some level that there was something going on seeing as I wasn't exactly faithful to her, which is not like me.

Smart chicky you had there, LOL.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

I don't know, based on what little I know of this situation, it doesn't seem as diabolical as some are making it out to be. She is allowed to do what she wants, just as he is. She wants this friend to stay with her and she wants her boyfriend to trust her. He can decide whether he does or not.

I'm not saying it's diabolical. I just think she needed to stop thinking about her own wants and to try and focus on how her actions are going to affect the relationship. Based on the fact she's fooled around with that guy in the past, there's enough reason there for someone to worry and distrust. Besides, having him stay with her also creates temptation that may or may not lead to some more fooling around. She's flirting with danger and it may come back to bite her in the arse with the loss of a relationship.

[jammies]

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

My question to you would be at what point should someone completely trust the person they are with? My thought is that it's one of those things that isn't black or white. There is no set time frame for trust, so I don't think you can say someone who trusts after a few months is foolish. Again, just my humble opinion.

I'd say anywhere from a year to never. 2 months - no way. I'm not saying you can't trust her out of your sight, and you should put a webcam behind the bathroom mirror to make sure she's only chanting YOUR name when she's in the shower with the "personal massager" - I'm saying you can trust her within limits, and letting her "good friend" who happens to be a former snugglebuddy stay over crosses that limit.

There are plenty of people that trust others on short acquaintance. These people are known as "marks", and they invariably get taken advantage of, because there are plenty of people out there that SEEM trustworthy but are not. Bad people don't walk around with a big flashing sign that says "Super ######bag!" on their foreheads to make it easy to pick them out (well - most don't, though some are proud of being scumbags and don't care who knows it), so you should only trust people you have built up a long term relationship with.

Anybody can fake being nice for 2 months. If they can fake being nice for years and years, well, then you've got an excuse if they've bamboozled you. A few months - well, sometime you only learn by getting burned.

[OracleOfCalgary]

Too much hassle. She's shopping around but she's overextended her line of credit. I say you call her loan, unless you're getting a really good interest rate.

[Resolute 14]

...if you know what I mean.</who's line>

[Eastern Girl]

Originally Posted by Dion

I'm not saying it's diabolical. I just think she needed to stop thinking about her own wants and to try and focus on how her actions are going to affect the relationship. Based on the fact she's fooled around with that guy in the past, there's enough reason there for someone to worry and distrust. Besides, having him stay with her also creates temptation that may or may not lead to some more fooling around. She's flirting with danger and it may come back to bite her in the arse with the loss of a relationship.

I don't think she should stop considering her own wants. She doesn't cease to exist in the relationship, but I do agree she should also be considering his thoughts on the matter. However, and I suppose this is an assumption on my part, she seems to think it's a non issue, and that she should be trusted by her boyfriend. The choice is hers and I still think that Rubecube needs to decide whether he trusts her or not and how much this whole extravaganza bothers him.

I suppose it could create temptation, this guy staying with her, but it doesn't mean she'll succumb to it. She says he is just a friend. This is where that trust thing comes in. He may have the dirtiest of intentions, but it doesn't mean she'll cave to his will just because they have done things in the past. Is she trustworthy? That's the key to this whole thing.

Would you never trust your significant other around someone they had previously slept/fooled around with or dated? Are you at risk to fool around with anyone that you have done things with in the past?

[Antithesis]

Elle, I realize I've probably never really addressed you directly so this might be weird, but bravo to you for, I think, being the only person in here coming close to looking at this situation in full (at least those who think her having this charlatan over isn't a big deal - and I think we can all agree he's a charlatan, can't we? )

I think one of the key things that need to be considered in this situation is although rube and this girl have only been dating for two months, he's stated at very least that his interpretation of it is that the relationship is a little more serious than an 'average' relationship of this length. I understand perfectly well where he's coming from here ... as an anecdote, my wife and I met in a dorm at University so we saw each other each and every day ... so I know full-well how serious a two-month relationship can be.

As such, is it not appropriate to think that there needs to be a little self-sacrifice on her part here (or at least consideration of it?) I know that you are agreeing with this already, but many others are not. This isn't to say that she needs to "should stop considering her own wants" but rather that she should at least start considering her partner's wants, which it is pretty clear she isn't doing. There are so many alternatives here that could turn what is clearly a negative situation for her and rube's relationship into a positive:

- Invite herself over to his place for the night, if even to sleep in his bed while he is on the couch, being the gentleman he is,
- Invite rube to spend the night himself
- Invite rube to share the cost of a hotel room for the charlatan so he isn't in her apartment at least

I'm surprised that people here are saying that he just needs to trust her or get out. He's clearly saying that this situation is making him uncomfortable, and relationships are not about accepting something you find unacceptable out of 'love' or whatever. One of the negatives (I suppose) about being in a relationship is that you need to consider another person's opinions and thoughts and take them into account when you make decisions. I understand the situation is completely different, but if I wanted to do exactly what rube's girl is and my wife said it would make her uncomfortable, I'd tell my friend that they had to find their own accomodations or we'd have to figure out an alternate arrangement, no questions asked. I'd never tell my wife, "oh you need to trust me".

Unfortunately, I think rube's been put into a classic Kobayashi Maru (unwinnable situation) ... either he can voice his displeasure more firmly and make her know that this is a significant problem for her, or he can accept what he considers unacceptable. I think it's pretty clear that her friend staying over is more important than his feelings which doesn't bode well for the relationship (sorry man). By the way, I reiterate that there is absolutely no way that she'd be OK with it were the situations reversed, especially when you add it all up:

- recently broke up with his girlfriend (REBOUND!)
- has fooled around with rube's girl in recent memory
- thought I saw on here that he has a history of disregarding the concept of monogamy
- rube's girl has a roommate and she is never around
- she didn't even give him the token, "If that's OK with you ..."

All that being said, rube, you're a good guy, but saying, "I trust her, it's just that I don't trust him" comes off as just a nice way of saying, "I don't trust her". Unless you literally mean that you think he'll force himself on her - and you can't go through your life worrying about your SO getting raped by every male associate she has. If we're all being honest with eachother, what you're actually saying is, "I believe he will put the moves on her, and she will give in", which is the same as "I don't trust her".