Rate your current mental health level out of 10

[Hemi-Cuda]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

I don’t know if it’s helpful with the now, but a friend of mine is a dad to two and says his biggest regret with his first was how much he wished away the hard parts and how much time he wasted wanting those phases to pass, because when they disappear they take a lot of the good little things you forget to appreciate in the moment. He said with his second he even appreciated the 2 am wake ups because he realized eventually, for the good and the bad, they just stop needing you the same way.

Can’t speak to it myself, but that stuck with me.

I'll take the opposite tack, I don't miss any of the baby or young toddler phases. My daughters are 7 and 5 now, and while I fondly remember them smiling for the first time at me as babies, saying "dada" for the first time, running to my arms for the first time, I wouldn't go back for anything. It's so much more fun now that they're little people that I can have conversations with and play so many fun games with. And the milestones that they're hitting with riding bikes, reading, skating, etc are even more satisfying because I'm playing a very active part, not just watching them happen

Also when you realize that you've purchased your last diaper, it's an amazing goddamn feeling

[Twitchy15]

Originally Posted by Monahammer

My mental health is waning lately. A couple of big things happening in my life right now:
- The association I work for just had a major member execute their withdrawal agreement. It has a 2 year unwind, but it's creating substantial stress in the office and ruining the good vibe we had going on. Also, it feels like we are being caught in a sort of personal disagreement rather than it being related to our performance, so a bit of a slap in the face.

- My wife has (almost unilaterally...) decided she is going back to school for her masters in fall. I say almost unilaterally because she didn't pitch it to me until she had already been accepted to the program. This one is effecting me a lot. I urged her to complete her masters right after she finished her Bach. Her mom was offering to pay for some at the time, and we were in a good place overall for that to occur. At the time, I had already started working and was providing for us- but it was just us. That situation was too much for her though, and so she started front-line crisis work as a social worker. She made it 3 years doing that before we got married. Our original plan (again, pre discussed...) was to wait a few years post marriage to have kids. I was informed on our wedding night that she was going off BC, and to deal with the outcomes myself if I didn't want us to get pregnant. Well, honeymoons are basically impossible to do that with IMO.

We had our first child about 10 months post wedding. I love him to death and wouldn't change a thing. But I did get out of her about 1/2 through mat leave that the real motivation was so that she wouldn't have to keep being a frontline worker. COVID happened during this time, and she went back to work for a very small interval between mat leaves for our second child. Whom I love and wouldn't trade for the world.

During this time, her work accommodated her desires and created a new position (essentially, HR) hiring and training new frontline staff. She lasted about 4 months doing this after mat leave 2. This all happened in the context of my business failing and me looking for my current job, too. She came to me and told me that she had worked out with a psychologist friend (someone who had completed the masters program that she declined) to work for her practice, managing the day to day ops, hiring, and administration. I asked her if she was sure- it's kind of a limit career wise, though interesting. She sold me on the opportunity by discussing how she would only really be busy with it the first 2 years or so, and then it would transition to her managing a team and being available to the kids before and after school etc. This was all confirmed by her colleague.

Now, here we are 2 years later. She tells me she's unhappy with this choice and can't imagine doing this for 20 more years. I understand that, but I am at a loss. How can I be confident that she won't just hate being a therapist after getting her masters? What about our plan for the kids?!

I can't tell her this... she told me when she was already excited, already invested. She deserves to be happy, and is mostly wonderful to me and the kids... but I can't help feeling like this is wildly selfish. I will be bearing all of our living expenses for the next 2 years while she goes to school, will be bearing the debt payments until she graduates, and no doubt will be the lead on childcare as she completes school work...

I don't know how to escape the resentment I am already feeling about this.

Sounds like someone who may never be happy with any job. Just quickly reading this she has not really done one single job for a long period without being unhappy and looking for a switch or break. Sounds like she has decided to do this again because she's unhappy and isn't considering anyone else. And just based off the history sounds like the same thing will probably happen after her masters.

Not sure how secure you are financially on your own, but It would be essentially impossible or extremely hard for me to cover all expenses for my wife and child if she just decided to go back to school.

[MoneyGuy]

Our life is near perfect - no worries about health, finances, marriages (ours and our children’s), but this Jasper situation is crushing me. I was a 9.5 but now it’s a 3. I’ve attended a dozen conferences at (mostly) the JPL and in the town. My heart is broken.

[OutOfTheCube]

Originally Posted by Hemi-Cuda

I'll take the opposite tack, I don't miss any of the baby or young toddler phases. My daughters are 7 and 5 now, and while I fondly remember them smiling for the first time at me as babies, saying "dada" for the first time, running to my arms for the first time, I wouldn't go back for anything. It's so much more fun now that they're little people that I can have conversations with and play so many fun games with. And the milestones that they're hitting with riding bikes, reading, skating, etc are even more satisfying because I'm playing a very active part, not just watching them happen

Also when you realize that you've purchased your last diaper, it's an amazing goddamn feeling

Yeah I agree with this, my squad are 9, 7, and 4 now and I don't miss baby days at all.

We've finally reached the much sought after point with my 9 year old where he sleeps longer than we do, haha.

[Twitchy15]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHxip2x-PLc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuyisGsNr4g

Stumbled upon this song a few months ago, great song to bring more awareness to mens mental health

[blankall]

Originally Posted by Hemi-Cuda

I'll take the opposite tack, I don't miss any of the baby or young toddler phases. My daughters are 7 and 5 now, and while I fondly remember them smiling for the first time at me as babies, saying "dada" for the first time, running to my arms for the first time, I wouldn't go back for anything. It's so much more fun now that they're little people that I can have conversations with and play so many fun games with. And the milestones that they're hitting with riding bikes, reading, skating, etc are even more satisfying because I'm playing a very active part, not just watching them happen

Also when you realize that you've purchased your last diaper, it's an amazing goddamn feeling

My child just turned 3. She's starting to engage in self-play, although often that's destructive the home or herself. I do see the glimmer of hope though. I really loved having her as a baby and seeing her grow up and discover the world, but definitely also ready to have her become more independent.

We also have a second child coming in November. I'm hoping the slight age gap will make things more manageable.

Right now I'm just worn down with work being beyond hectic. My wife decided to throw in a major renovation, while we were living in the home, which didn't help things, either financially or stress wise. Not having a living room for months at a time definitely added to the overall stress.

Anyways, my problems seem pretty insignificant to what many of the people in here are going through.

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by Twitchy15

Not sure how secure you are financially on your own, but It would be essentially impossible or extremely hard for me to cover all expenses for my wife and child if she just decided to go back to school.

This is a big concern. The OP indicated having to cover debt payments while she goes back to school. If the family is in the red currently and is either maintaining debt levels or worse yet piling on more debt to pay for tuition costs as a result of this decision then it could ultimately cement a long-term financial situation that would be difficult to come out. Especially if this cycle repeats where there's a career pivot that requires time away from the workforce and additional training costs every 2-5 years.

[Fuzz]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

Our life is near perfect - no worries about health, finances, marriages (ours and our children’s), but this Jasper situation is crushing me. I was a 9.5 but now it’s a 3. I’ve attended a dozen conferences at (mostly) the JPL and in the town. My heart is broken.

I do hope you recognize just how incredibly fortunate and lucky you and your loved ones have been in life, and choose to share that fortune where you can. If Jasper is breaking your heart, please help them in whatever way you can. A lot of people need it.

[Erick Estrada]

Originally Posted by OutOfTheCube

Yeah I agree with this, my squad are 9, 7, and 4 now and I don't miss baby days at all.

We've finally reached the much sought after point with my 9 year old where he sleeps longer than we do, haha.

You will change your tune when they are mid-teens and baby/toddler photos memories pop up on your iphone (or whatever Android equivalent). I miss those days all much, much more now as the crying and diaper changing is all part of the journey.

[Twitchy15]

overall my mental health is good depending on the day but as I am getting older life feels like it is getting way more complicated.

During covid we were trying to have a baby and we lost one at 12-13 weeks, and ended up with a few more miscarriages but earlier. During this time my dad was dealing with possible cancer coming back. During covid so his medical care wasn't as fast as it probably should of been and then when they were going to do something his friend died of cancer and he lived with her so postponed doing anything. Once he had basically was to late and he refused treatment as he had battled pancreatic cancer on 2018 through chemo and whipple surgery.

the next 6 months he deteriorated having to get lungs drained all the time, horrible to wacth. Stange situation because I was the only person he had to help besides a work friend, but we were not close my parents divorced when I was young and he was an alcoholic parent that never spent much time with us. So when he passed in the summer of 2022, not quite the same as losing a parent your super close with but he was still my dad and I will never have a chance to have a better relationship with him.

basically that week while cleaning out his place my wife found out she was pregnant naturally. We had been going to the fertility clinic and probably going to pursue IVF in the next few months.

My mom and sister helped clean out his place which was a mistake, she just #### talked him quite a bit and ended up getting mad at my wife and emotions were high. My sister had disowned my dad and was left out of the will. My mom essentially told me I better give my sister half of everything.

regret having her help because our relationship has not felt the same since.

throughout all of this I ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD which had always thought I might of had, but between my mom and my wife being very structured I have done pretty well. Kind of sucks because medication helps me so much, but it is ####ty to only be the person you want to be for so many hours when the medication is working. I find when I don't take my medication I notice the symptoms of ADHD so much now and kind of makes me hate the way I am without the medications. When I take the medication it takes away ALL of my social anxiety, my mood and temper is controlled and I have the energy to do things you need to.

My son is around 15 months now and there are loads of amazing times and some hard times we are so lucky to have him. He brings us so much joy but life feels very busy and not much time for anything else.

When he was younger I was able to use some of the money I inherited to move to a house that works better for us and that all worked out great, house is old and needs work but planning on staying for a long time.

Feels like since covid life has been a wild ride.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

I don’t know if it’s helpful with the now, but a friend of mine is a dad to two and says his biggest regret with his first was how much he wished away the hard parts and how much time he wasted wanting those phases to pass, because when they disappear they take a lot of the good little things you forget to appreciate in the moment. He said with his second he even appreciated the 2 am wake ups because he realized eventually, for the good and the bad, they just stop needing you the same way.

Can’t speak to it myself, but that stuck with me.

I struggle with this one. On one hand, your friend is correct, we should always aim to be in the moment and understand the beautiful moments (as well as the hard ones) are fleeting.

On the other hand, when this was offered to me as advice, I found it incredibly frustrating. When our kids were little we didn't have much money, weren't sleeping a ton, and simply questioned if we were doing things well enough. It was without doubt my least favourite stretch of time in my life, and hearing people with older kids say "enjoy it, it only gets harder" was soul-crushing.

For me, I wish I had somebody with older kids put a hand on my shoulder and say "you're not a bad person or dad if you don't like this as much as you thought you would."

Looking back now that my kids are bigger (and I'm not a kid in my 20s), I realize that all stages end. They change so quick that infants/toddlers/kids/teens come and go overnight it seems. To desperately cling or resist any of it is completely normal, but it's a strategy that simply can't work.

Originally Posted by Erick Estrada

You will change your tune when they are mid-teens and baby/toddler photos memories pop up on your iphone (or whatever Android equivalent). I miss those days all much, much more now as the crying and diaper changing is all part of the journey.

To counter, when my wife and I see those baby/toddler photos, we gush about how cute they were and then immediately prasie Sweet Dancing Jesus that we don't have to manage those diapered terrorists anymore.

[Twitchy15]

Originally Posted by Erick Estrada

You will change your tune when they are mid-teens and baby/toddler photos memories pop up on your iphone (or whatever Android equivalent). I miss those days all much, much more now as the crying and diaper changing is all part of the journey.

Our son is just turning into a toddler and having huge emotions and temper tantrums over essentially nothing lol. In the moment it is very frustrating but there are so many good moments really helps to try and remember to enjoy it because it changes so quickly. Already I have my iphone pop up with moments 2-6 months ago and I cannot believe how different he looks and acts and things he no longer does.

[Strange Brew]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

If not for this U.S. election, I’d be 9.5/10 as we have a near perfect life but the election is causing me great stress snd I’m now more at a 6/10. I’ll be cutting back on my Twitter activity to almost nothing. I can’t handle this. I’m also staying away from CNN and MSNBC.

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

Our life is near perfect - no worries about health, finances, marriages (ours and our children’s), but this Jasper situation is crushing me. I was a 9.5 but now it’s a 3. I’ve attended a dozen conferences at (mostly) the JPL and in the town. My heart is broken.

I feel like there is a whole lot that could be said here. You are very fortunate.

[Winsor_Pilates]

Originally Posted by Hemi-Cuda

I'll take the opposite tack, I don't miss any of the baby or young toddler phases. My daughters are 7 and 5 now, and while I fondly remember them smiling for the first time at me as babies, saying "dada" for the first time, running to my arms for the first time, I wouldn't go back for anything. It's so much more fun now that they're little people that I can have conversations with and play so many fun games with. And the milestones that they're hitting with riding bikes, reading, skating, etc are even more satisfying because I'm playing a very active part, not just watching them happen

Also when you realize that you've purchased your last diaper, it's an amazing goddamn feeling

Just wait til you realize you need to start purchasing diapers for yourself

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by Fuzz

I do hope you recognize just how incredibly fortunate and lucky you and your loved ones have been in life, and choose to share that fortune where you can. If Jasper is breaking your heart, please help them in whatever way you can. A lot of people need it.

We give to charities and to our kids. At our local library we built a staff room with furniture and a computer. Also the local food bank, and others.

[shermanator]

What I'm learning as my daughter is about to turn 5 is that every age has aspects that are amazing and aspects that are challenges. I am sure this will be the case until one of us is gone.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by shermanator

Could not agree more. My boss in my most recent job made my life miserable and it wasn't until I was in a new job with a much better manager that I realized just how bad it was. Imagine having 8 am meetings every day with someone who is miserable 90% of the meetings. Just draining.

I'm just over a year since my layoff and cannot overstate how improved my mental health is with a manager who is sincere, trustworthy, and trusts you to do your job.

Pfft...I'm miserable 90% of the time and my employees think its hilarious.

[PaperBagger'14]

Originally Posted by Locke

Pfft...I'm miserable 90% of the time and my employees think its hilarious.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by PaperBagger'14

The key is not taking it out on them, but rather commiserating.

You know what they say...'Misery loves company.'

[nfotiu]

Originally Posted by Russic

I struggle with this one. On one hand, your friend is correct, we should always aim to be in the moment and understand the beautiful moments (as well as the hard ones) are fleeting.

On the other hand, when this was offered to me as advice, I found it incredibly frustrating. When our kids were little we didn't have much money, weren't sleeping a ton, and simply questioned if we were doing things well enough. It was without doubt my least favourite stretch of time in my life, and hearing people with older kids say "enjoy it, it only gets harder" was soul-crushing.

For me, I wish I had somebody with older kids put a hand on my shoulder and say "you're not a bad person or dad if you don't like this as much as you thought you would."

Looking back now that my kids are bigger (and I'm not a kid in my 20s), I realize that all stages end. They change so quick that infants/toddlers/kids/teens come and go overnight it seems. To desperately cling or resist any of it is completely normal, but it's a strategy that simply can't work.



To counter, when my wife and I see those baby/toddler photos, we gush about how cute they were and then immediately prasie Sweet Dancing Jesus that we don't have to manage those diapered terrorists anymore.

It seems impossible to give genuine advice to anyone through those stages. My older son seemed to hate sleeping until he was at least 6 (he's 18 now, and still doesn't like going to bed or waking up!). His mom made it pretty clear that her sleep was most important thing to perform at her job and we were pretty equal in our career paths at the time. I quickly realized he wasn't going to have anyone else there, and needed to be the one at those 2am wake up calls, and for him, when he was up at 2, he was up for the day!

I never resented a single second up with him at the day, but the daylight hours during that time were a complete blur. I don't know how many times I went back to my car to make sure I really did drop him off at daycare since I had no memory of taking him or getting him to work, and having 30+ accidental naps on the toilet at work. Yeah, life sucked at the times and was really hard, and I wouldn't say I cherished any of those 2-7am moments but I did have a sense of fulfilment of being there for him when I knew I was all he had.

She eventually divorced me, which had some sadness for our family, but was the biggest feeling of relief I've ever had in my life. We started with split custody, which she made absolutely miserable until they convinced me to sue for full custody and since then our lives have been pretty good.

If there is any life lesson in there, I guess it's ok to be pissed off at everything else in your life, but it's not your kids' fault, and being there for them when they don't have anyone else should be fulfilling and will payoff for the rest of your life.