high school, grade 11, Social 20, watching a film about WW2, in the middle of the film, I lean over to say something to my buddy and let an extremely loud one escape off one of those great ole wooden desk seats. It totally resonated in the room. My buddy fell off his chair he was laughing so hard. I ended up getting a case of the giggles.
And now for my second fart story of this thread. Speaking of wooden seats....
I'm a teen-ager, sitting in church up in the balcony with the rest of the hip people, immersed in my own coolness and self-importance when, suddenly, I am gripped by the irresistable urge. I attempt to perform a GSR (Gradual Slow Release) but, much to my chagrin, the colonic beast refuses to go slowly and quietly and, instead, proceeds to vacate at speed. It is, perhaps, a coincidence of church pew design, but in this instance, the natural curvature of the wooden pew provided just the right acoustic chamber effect and the result was a gaseous rasp that sounded like the growl of a particularly malevolent denizen of the underworld. In the resulting silence, my younger niece who was visiting from out of town gladly announced "Ewwwww, Biff farted!". Good times. (*Name has been witheld to protect the guilty).
This one time, in grade 9 math class... it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my grade school life. The class was silent. I think we were working on problems from the book. Well, I was working on my own problems. I had a fart that I was getting ready to slowly release, but I also had to sneeze. Uh-oh. Can I silently get the fart out before I sneeze? Can I hold the sneeze back a few more seconds?
Oh no! A-a-... hold that sneeze... a-a-... too late, hold that fart! a-a-chooRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIPPP!
I sneezed, and the fart followed with the most force that I ever used to push out a fart. Of course I was trying to hold the fart back. The loudest fart you have ever heard eminated through the classroom out through the hallways and could be heard in nearby classrooms. Then there was a moment of silence before laughter erupted equally as loud as my fart. Everybody was laughing. Even the teacher. A teacher from the next classroom came to our class, laughing, checking to make sure everybody was ok (and probably to find out who she was laughing at).
Of course you could tell right away who let it out because my face was redder than a Flames jersey and I was the only one not laughing. There were people walking by in the hallway at that moment too, and they were laughing. All I could say was "I.. I... I sneezed." Yeah sure, some sneeze buddy.
It took me a while to live that one down. Thankfully there was only a month or two left of school and we would be going to a new school the next year, but the next few weeks were hellish.
Years ago, in Grade 6 I believe, all the kids in my grade went to one of those 'outdoor school' character building dealies, you know, where you all hand out in dorm-ish cabins in the middle of nowhere?
So anywho, we're all clustered in the main room of the dorm area, a commons filled with about 100 students, a dozen teachers, and a handful of 'councellors', and the authorities are outlining the rules of the 'school', and goddamn if I've ever had to fart as badly as I did that day. I can't honestly remember what I ate (I think it was a ham sandwich with extra mustard), but it was coming in a hurry, and we were about 25 minutes into an hour long lecture, and no student was allowed to leave.
So, in my infinate 11-year old wisdom, I treated my intestines to some relief by attempting a slow release with a bit of a sideways lean for extra caution, and my colon was having none of that.
Now I will mention that I am more or less directly in the middle of a room barely big enough for everyone, sitting cross legged amongst a sea of kids.
The intended silent fart ends up coming out with such exaggerated force FRAP! that the councellor stops talking and stutters for a minute while a wave of simultaneous disgust and giggles flows through the crowd. Embarassed, I attempt to shift back into position and the resultant shifting forces out another one FRAAAP! and by this point, most of the students surrounding me are quickly shuffling away, whilst the rest laugh maniacally. Red faced, I start pushing myself away from the teeming group, and with every BRAAAP! bumslide backwards towards FREEP! the dorm I was staying in, even more BUMCHUCKLE! gas continues to penetrate my rectum.
By the time I had completed my agonizing trek to the dorm, all the other fellers who were staying in it with me were crying out "Noooo! Not in there!! Awwwww!!!".
I wasn't spoken to for at least a few days by most people
Sometimes I feel bad for my wife, she is stuck in a house with 3 males. Me, my baby son and my dog.
When my dog Iggy gets a run of farts it can literally make your eyes water. He defiantly has his own “brand” there is no blaming one of your own on the dog, as it can not replicated by a human. The funny thing is when he farts we obviously react negatively, so he thinks he is in trouble and gets all “squirrelly” his ears go down and he uses his “puppy dog eyes”.
My son Gabriel is 5 1/2 months old and the transition to cereal has been quite the experience. His farts have come on with a vengeance. It’s funny a few times Gabe has stunk up a room and the dog acts like he did it. Makes me laugh every time.
Last Friday a family friend was ordained as a Catholic priest here in Halifax. We went to the ordination ceremony and were sitting in the middle of the Basilica when Gabriel started leaking rotten milk/rice cereal air. I kinda felt bad for everyone within 10 feet of us as the air got murky. This went on for about 20 minutes...yes that’s right he kept the air ripe for 20 straight minutes. I thought about taking him to the back of the church, but it was just too funny (at least to me). It took every fiber of my being not to let the giggles take over. Best church ceremony ever (I think the ordination was nice but I completely lost track of that).
If my wife drags me out clothes shopping with her, my preferred method of escape if she is taking far too long is to beef one as loudly as possible. Nothing gets your wife out of a store like a huge, window-shaking fart.
__________________
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."
Years ago, in Grade 6 I believe, all the kids in my grade went to one of those 'outdoor school' character building dealies, you know, where you all hand out in dorm-ish cabins in the middle of nowhere?
So anywho, we're all clustered in the main room of the dorm area, a commons filled with about 100 students, a dozen teachers, and a handful of 'councellors', and the authorities are outlining the rules of the 'school', and goddamn if I've ever had to fart as badly as I did that day. I can't honestly remember what I ate (I think it was a ham sandwich with extra mustard), but it was coming in a hurry, and we were about 25 minutes into an hour long lecture, and no student was allowed to leave.
So, in my infinate 11-year old wisdom, I treated my intestines to some relief by attempting a slow release with a bit of a sideways lean for extra caution, and my colon was having none of that.
Now I will mention that I am more or less directly in the middle of a room barely big enough for everyone, sitting cross legged amongst a sea of kids.
The intended silent fart ends up coming out with such exaggerated force FRAP! that the councellor stops talking and stutters for a minute while a wave of simultaneous disgust and giggles flows through the crowd. Embarassed, I attempt to shift back into position and the resultant shifting forces out another one FRAAAP! and by this point, most of the students surrounding me are quickly shuffling away, whilst the rest laugh maniacally. Red faced, I start pushing myself away from the teeming group, and with every BRAAAP! bumslide backwards towards FREEP! the dorm I was staying in, even more BUMCHUCKLE! gas continues to penetrate my rectum.
By the time I had completed my agonizing trek to the dorm, all the other fellers who were staying in it with me were crying out "Noooo! Not in there!! Awwwww!!!".
I wasn't spoken to for at least a few days by most people
That story had me in tears at work I was laughing so hard.
__________________
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."
My last job, it was the norm to walk into your buddy's office, cut one and leave.
We do this at my work. You think Monday's suck? Just like someone mentioned earlier, after drinking beer all weekend, Monday's are always extra special around here.
the worst is the first Monday at work after a heavy weekend of beer drinking. i almost feel like i should put hazard tape around my workspace since it can be one step away from chemical warfare
I hear you. I've thought about keeping one of those bright orange hazardous environment suits hanging in my office, but I figured people might start to wonder...
All great stories, but that Ryan's steak house story had me in tears....my co-workers literally think I've lost it....especially because I almost laughed out my lunch at that story.....
Locke.
__________________ The Beatings Shall Continue Until Morale Improves!
This Post Has Been Distilled for the Eradication of Seemingly Incurable Sadness.
The World Ends when you're dead. Until then, you've got more punishment in store. - Flames Fans
If you thought this season would have a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.
Back in High School I remember sitting in Bio shortly after lunch. Can't remember what I ate but it had some nasty effects on me. I am sitting there trying to hold in this massive fart to avoid certain embarrasment.
After fighting it and fighting it I realize that this is not a battle I am going to win. I am on the wooden chairs that are going to make this thing echo throughtout the entire class. So I very carefully lift a cheek to not raise any suspicion and by the grace of God I mange to release the gas silently and without consequnce.....or so I thought.
About 5 seconds after I let it go I think I am free and clear until the Bio teacher walks up the aisle that I happen to be sitting in. I watch his nose twitch and his eyes slightly tear up just before he blurts out: "That is disgusting! Who just farted down here? That is sickening!"
As the class bursts out in laughter I have to do my best uncomfortable fake laugh to try and pretend it wasn't me.
