Family tension over will and estate?

[Jason14h]

Unless the will specifically said “Do not share with your sister” it’s your money to do with what you want and deep down you know what you want to do - so do it

You can give some to family , or put it all in the VLTs while banging hookers and smoking crack

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Jason14h

Unless the will specifically said “Do not share with your sister” it’s your money to do with what you want and deep down you know what you want to do - so do it

You can give some to family , or put it all in the VLTs while banging hookers and smoking crack

If you elect to go this route though I would strongly recommend recording it on your phone to send to your sister and saving some for Bail.

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by stone hands

Yeah but that person isnt living anymore and cant really care one way or another

... and that's literally not the issue in OP. The issue is that people are idiots and blood means little when it comes to money. Yes, the person is dead so they don't have veto and cannot mediate the situation. The issue is the remaining people being kids on the playground playing to hurt.

If I'm OP, I think I consider leaving the funds in probate so that the waters cannot get muddied by combining the estate with OP's personal funds. It's just easier to deal with if it's kept separate. Who cares if the funds get stuck for a while or end up slowly draining. Combining it with OPs personal funds likely is a headache likely not even worth the windfall from the estate until sorted out.

Legally it seems OP is entitled to 100%, his sister and mom 0%. Morally is a different issue. I do believe it is likely easier to leave the money in probate and argue than it is to distribute and then have personal funds rolled into the mess.

OP's mom says she is entitled to 50% and threatening to destroy the relationship over money. OP's mom is also attacking OP's spouse. OP was going to give his sister some money, but not 50%. I have no clue if OP's sister is behind the mom making these claims that she should get 50% or not. It's sometimes possible that someone like the sister doesn't really care and it's some intermediary that's creating drama. Power moves like "Hey, I got you this money, you owe me." for a favor that is never possible to repay.

If I'm OP, maybe I'd consider chatting with the sister directly without mom.

Explain that legally she has no entitlement to the estate, but she is free to challenge the estate via probate (get something written like an affidavit or email admitting she isn't challenging the will). Hide behind dad and say it's not OP, it's dad. Be mad at dad, not OP. If she doesn't, he'll give her a fixed amount from him personally after receiving the windfall as a good sibling, but make no mistake, the amount she receives is from OP, not dad. Say that OP is not sister's proxy for her hatred of dad.

The biggest issue OP is likely in right now is that even after receiving 50% mom or whoever still think it's not enough and it snowballs. People are knucking futs and ####ty when it comes to stuff like this. You could have an estate worth $10K and yet a sibling who has never ever touched the deceased's wealth has sibling demand $50K+ from them because of perceived wrongdoings the sibling has supposedly done. Paying is actually considered an admission of guilt, accept the windfall and these people demand a multiple of the windfall for greedy reasons. It's insane levels of familial drama and relational blackmail. People suck.

[GGG]

Originally Posted by rotten42

The idea that the living have any say in how a person assets are divided is bullsh&t. They aren't controlling the living., They are still free to live their life the way they di before. Whether the guy was an idiot (subjective) or not, its still was his assets to distribute as he wanted.


Perceived errors? Who decides that? The vulture that looking to gain the most I guess.

I've been the executor on 3 wills so far. I don't like the job but the reason why I was selected was that the person had trust in me to make sure their wishes for their assets was taken care of. Who are you or anybody else qualified or justified to say otherwise!

Again I’m saying if the will said don’t give any money to X and 100% to Y then the estate should be dispersed per will and Y gets 100% of the money.

However Y has no obligation to not give any money to X. If they feel that X deserved money than they should give X money.

I’d even go as far to say using the argument “ If the dead wanted X to have money they would have given them money” is not a moral justification or a defense for what Y does with the money.

If Y feels X should have been included then share if they don’t then don’t but the will shouldn’t be used as a crutch to justify any decisions.

Hopefully that is clear that I am differentiating the legal purpose of the will and what happens afterwords.

[Matt Reeeeead]

I might have made the same mistake of over sharing with a parent, but to me shows the importance of communication management. I believe the following are applicable:

1. It’s your money, no obligation

2. Your mom is overstepping her boundary and risking rift with you. I wouldn’t trust her with discretion going forward

3. You probably should share with your sister. Sounds like your dad was tough and I feel unfair for the children to carry the burden of strained relationships. Your dad should have done the right thing years ago and repaired the relationship before it got this far.

4. You really have no choice at this point to give the money as everyone knows the amount and you will be forever screwed if you don’t. It’s not fair, but it’s not worth it.

You had good intentions, but if you really wanted to keep more than 50%, you will have to be more discrete next time and manage the communication, even if it feels wrong or your concealing too much. Just won’t get it both ways when it comes to money.


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[Twitchy15]

Originally Posted by Matt Reeeeead

I might have made the same mistake of over sharing with a parent, but to me shows the importance of communication management. I believe the following are applicable:

1. It’s your money, no obligation

2. Your mom is overstepping her boundary and risking rift with you. I wouldn’t trust her with discretion going forward

3. You probably should share with your sister. Sounds like your dad was tough and I feel unfair for the children to carry the burden of strained relationships. Your dad should have done the right thing years ago and repaired the relationship before it got this far.

4. You really have no choice at this point to give the money as everyone knows the amount and you will be forever screwed if you don’t. It’s not fair, but it’s not worth it.

You had good intentions, but if you really wanted to keep more than 50%, you will have to be more discrete next time and manage the communication, even if it feels wrong or your concealing too much. Just won’t get it both ways when it comes to money.


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Yeah definitely going to be less open with my mom from now on. My dad did want a relationship with my sister but she refused to talk to him which upset him she never told him why.

Not loving the situation I am in would of been easier if he left more direction but I didn't even think about this happening previously. I can just imagine what he would say about the situation..

My sister is 27 and lives at home and very sheltered and naïve she probably did not expect any of the money. I also did not expect to be receiving this much money probably 4x the amount I expected. So I will already be getting more then expected so giving 50% to her isn't end of the world just hate how my mother approached it all.

If I won this amount of money I would not be giving any of it away. The fact it is from a parent makes it slightly different but also she wanted nothing to do with him so weird situation.

And I am being guilt tripped essentially to give 50% because in life I am doing better than her so to my mother that is even more reason to give her the money. And of course I don't want my sister to have a hard life either with the money she might be able to go to school and figure out something for a better career versus minimum wage

Super misguided but my mother is also saying because my wife parents a fairly wealthy she thinks we will receive $$ one day.. maybe but who knows.

Just kind of annoying to basically be told what to do.. When I confronted her about talking about all this within 7 days of his death she said she was worried I was going to put the money in a investment account and then say oh too bad can't access it anymore..

She let me know my sister deserves 50% RRSP and life insurance but I can keep what's in the bank acct and his vehicle lol

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Twitchy15

Yeah definitely going to be less open with my mom from now on. My dad did want a relationship with my sister but she refused to talk to him which upset him she never told him why.

Not loving the situation I am in would of been easier if he left more direction but I didn't even think about this happening previously. I can just imagine what he would say about the situation..

My sister is 27 and lives at home and very sheltered and naïve she probably did not expect any of the money. I also did not expect to be receiving this much money probably 4x the amount I expected. So I will already be getting more then expected so giving 50% to her isn't end of the world just hate how my mother approached it all.

If I won this amount of money I would not be giving any of it away. The fact it is from a parent makes it slightly different but also she wanted nothing to do with him so weird situation.

And I am being guilt tripped essentially to give 50% because in life I am doing better than her so to my mother that is even more reason to give her the money. And of course I don't want my sister to have a hard life either with the money she might be able to go to school and figure out something for a better career versus minimum wage

Super misguided but my mother is also saying because my wife parents a fairly wealthy she thinks we will receive $$ one day.. maybe but who knows.

Just kind of annoying to basically be told what to do.. When I confronted her about talking about all this within 7 days of his death she said she was worried I was going to put the money in a investment account and then say oh too bad can't access it anymore..

She let me know my sister deserves 50% RRSP and life insurance but I can keep what's in the bank acct and his vehicle lol

I am sorry, but I do stand by my first statement about inheritances.

So you should give money away because you might, maybe, one day inherit from your wife's parents?

You dont know that so your Mom can't possibly know that. That is a hope.

Thats crazy. Thats like banking your retirement on winning a lottery.

Your sister 'deserves?' That is 'end of conversation' stuff right there.

[PsYcNeT]

If the intention is to have your sister use it to 'better her life' you could put it aside in Trust or whatever for specific use that you can sign off on.

A bit heavy-handed but to the letter for your mother's wishes anyway.

[OptimalTates]

Sorry if I missed it, but are you aware of the provisions in your mother's will?

If she's thinking your sister deserves 50% based moreso on her financial situation and not based on fairness, she may also leave more to your sister in her will. That could leave some sourgrapes if you do give your sister 50% only to have her put in a similar position down the line.

[Twitchy15]

Originally Posted by OptimalTates

Sorry if I missed it, but are you aware of the provisions in your mother's will?

If she's thinking your sister deserves 50% based moreso on her financial situation and not based on fairness, she may also leave more to your sister in her will. That could leave some sourgrapes if you do give your sister 50% only to have her put in a similar position down the line.

Her will is 50/50 currently..

[Matt Reeeeead]

Originally Posted by Twitchy15

Yeah definitely going to be less open with my mom from now on. My dad did want a relationship with my sister but she refused to talk to him which upset him she never told him why.

Not loving the situation I am in would of been easier if he left more direction but I didn't even think about this happening previously. I can just imagine what he would say about the situation..

My sister is 27 and lives at home and very sheltered and naïve she probably did not expect any of the money. I also did not expect to be receiving this much money probably 4x the amount I expected. So I will already be getting more then expected so giving 50% to her isn't end of the world just hate how my mother approached it all.

If I won this amount of money I would not be giving any of it away. The fact it is from a parent makes it slightly different but also she wanted nothing to do with him so weird situation.

And I am being guilt tripped essentially to give 50% because in life I am doing better than her so to my mother that is even more reason to give her the money. And of course I don't want my sister to have a hard life either with the money she might be able to go to school and figure out something for a better career versus minimum wage

Super misguided but my mother is also saying because my wife parents a fairly wealthy she thinks we will receive $$ one day.. maybe but who knows.

Just kind of annoying to basically be told what to do.. When I confronted her about talking about all this within 7 days of his death she said she was worried I was going to put the money in a investment account and then say oh too bad can't access it anymore..

She let me know my sister deserves 50% RRSP and life insurance but I can keep what's in the bank acct and his vehicle lol

Sounds super frustrating.

Honestly, it seems like the root of this issue goes back much deeper. Like obviously this is just outside looking in a million miles away, but seems like your sister is maybe being enabled and/or wasnt taught how to fight her own battles or deal with strenuous relationships.

Like why is your mom even involved in this? Seems like its a convo between you and your sister.

Then another question for your sister is, why does she get the money, but not have the relationship? It goes both ways. If you didnt want to have a relationship with the dad, for whatever reason, thats totally up to her and her boundary to draw. But if you make that boundary you have absolutely no right towards that person's money, and have to respect their boundary too. It seems wrong to me that your sister would feel entitled or deserving of any money from a person they willfully cut out. But again, thats what makes it seem like it goes much further and that we arent dealing with healthy coping mechanisms and reasonable logic.

You're in a tough spot, and certainly it seems like you really care about all of these people and have done your best to keep it all together. If you want to continue keeping the peace and these relationships the way they are, you probably have no choice but to share 50/50.

But you may also want to just do some deep thinking about creating your own boundaries with your close family members that in my mind, are the ones putting you in an unfair position, and putting you in a position of hard making hard decisions. Why is that? And why should you be forced to do all of the work?

[Bleeding Red]

Originally Posted by Locke

I am sorry, but I do stand by my first statement about inheritances. So you should give money away because you might, maybe, one day inherit from your wife's parents? You dont know that so your Mom can't possibly know that. That is a hope. Thats crazy. Thats like banking your retirement on winning a lottery.Your sister 'deserves?'

I have been trying to get my wife to realize this for a couple of years now. She has no idea how much will EVENTUALLY come her way (luckily, she is an only child). Her parents refuse to discuss it - what their plans are, what they want, how much is involved. Her Dad is a bit screwy - insists on doing nothing to prevent paying taxes.

She thinks it's "a lot". I told her to take the number she thinks it is and cut in half at the very least, then figure out if she could retire on it. After some thought came the "oh sh*t" moment.

My parents have been open in discussing their arrangements, no secrets, no malice. Yet, the way they have set it up, I am sure to get a lawyers letter from my brother-in-law demanding changes.

It's your money, man. Enjoy it, share it, make someone smile with it. I'm sure that would make your Dad smile.

[Shazam]

Lawyers cost a ton. If they think you don't have good chance of winning, they won't take your case. And if you find one that does, they'll assign you a junior. And it'll still be expensive.

[Fighting Banana Slug]

Lawyers cost money sure, but I doubt they would be taking this type of file on contingency, which is what I think you are implying.

I don't practice in this area, but I would think they might refuse if the basis of your claim is, "it's not fair!"

[Shazam]

Originally Posted by Fighting Banana Slug

Lawyers cost money sure, but I doubt they would be taking this type of file on contingency, which is what I think you are implying.

I don't practice in this area, but I would think they might refuse if the basis of your claim is, "it's not fair!"

I'm implying the opposite - I'd think a lawyer would require a retainer to represent a crazed doofus.

[Fighting Banana Slug]

OK, but winning doesn't have much to do with it. Retainer to ensure payment, seems reasonable to me.

[Shazam]

Yes, that's basically all I'm saying.

And lawyers are expensive. Maybe not if you're a lawyer. :P

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by Shazam

Lawyers cost a ton. If they think you don't have good chance of winning, they won't take your case. And if you find one that does, they'll assign you a junior. And it'll still be expensive.

not having a lawyer costs even more, as Alex Jones is finding out

[Shazam]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

not having a lawyer costs even more, as Alex Jones is finding out

There seems to be this impression that all lawyers are infallible and competent. This is hardly the situation.

[Fighting Banana Slug]

Jones didn't have a lawyer?

Edit: Of course he did. They were the ones that sent the phone records