Family tension over will and estate?

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Sure I mean offer away, but that doesn't guarantee acceptance on my part.

yes you need to know if she can milk a goat first

[FormerPresJamesTaylor]

Let's move on, I posted something thoughtful and the forum rejected its beauty.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I don't think this post will help the OP but something I think some people need to hear:

It's your money, you can do whatever the flippling flying f*** you want with it. If you want to spend it on travel, it's yours, go for it. If you want to give it to charity, that's up to you. If you want to give it to your kids, have at 'er.

Your Will is no different. It's yours, you can do what you want with it.

BUT you should make your intentions clear.

If you intend to give all your money to your third cousin, twice removed and nothing to your kids... have something in place (like a statutory declaration) to outline that is your wish and why.

If you're going to pass assets outside of a will (via joint accounts, beneficiaries, etc) make your intentions clear.

"I don't want my daughter to inherit because she respects Connor McDavid's talent and ability; while my son hates everything Oilers carte blanche, so he inherits everything".

Go see a lawyer, keep it clear.

To get to the OP: I don't know you or your family, and thus I can't understand your situation, which means I can't give advice. By the sounds of things the inheritance is yours abosultely. That said, there's a different between what is legal and what is moral.

That doesn't mean sharing nor splitting is morally right. I'm only pointing out that legal and morally right isn't necessarily the same thing.

[Macman]

You’re the sole beneficiary so it’s your money. I think you should be firm in explaining this and that you don’t have to give anybody anything.

But it sounds like your sister may be struggling and could use a hand up and if you decide to give her some then that’s your choice. At minimum you should keep 60% for yourself or more even. Give your Mom even and sister a percentage, it’s your choice.

[CaptainCrunch]

I was saddened when I read the OP post, its like the old saying "Money changes everything". Frankly your Dad probably left you money for a reason. His daughter wasn't involved in his life at all. You despite your a difficult relationship tried to help him out through his illness and he was showing gratitude. It probably made his passing a little easier in that at least one person cared about him and tried to help.

I get your sisters position, and she probably did the best thing for herself. But here's where I get brutal I guess. She removed herself 15 years ago, and even when he was sick she wanted nothing to do with him if I'm reading it right.

The fact that your father is barely cold in his grave and your mother is putting pressure on you to give half to your sister to me is distasteful and wrong. Maybe its just me.

Your mother threatening your relationship over the money would to be honest make me back away. Especially since your still probably emotionally compromised over the death of your Dad.

To me and this is my interpretation. Your mom found the amount and told her Daughter and her daughter saw money signs and told your mom to pressure you to get half, and they probably agreed to share the money.

I will state again, your mom threatening your relationship with you 7 days after his death whether you loved your Dad or not, is gross. Your sister expecting a penny from him after abandoning the relationship 15 years ago is outright delusional.

At this point to me, its your money, its up to you to decide to give them cash or not. And now here's the infamous CaptainCrunch delusional jerk approach. If to keep your relationship with your mom, you have to buy it with money, its not a relationship that I would personally value.

If your sister has a kid, maybe set some money aside for educational funds. Or if you feel like it give some money to your sister and mom and tell them clearly that their pressure within 7 days of his death is damaging to your relationship with them.

Its your call, but personally I would be really angry at my mom and my sister if they pulled that kind of BS on me.

If I was told that money was a driving factor in keeping my relationship good with a parent or sibling, I'd thank them for the blackmail attempt and donate 50% of the will to a charity of your choice in their name just to tell them to piss off.

Your mom is wrong, deeply wrong, your sister is wrong to expect anything after a 15 year estrangement. You are a good person for trying with your Dad and maybe easing his death somewhat despite probably big misgivings.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

I don't think this post will help the OP but something I think some people need to hear:

It's your money, you can do whatever the flippling flying f*** you want with it. If you want to spend it on travel, it's yours, go for it. If you want to give it to charity, that's up to you. If you want to give it to your kids, have at 'er.

Your Will is no different. It's yours, you can do what you want with it.

BUT you should make your intentions clear.

If you intend to give all your money to your third cousin, twice removed and nothing to your kids... have something in place (like a statutory declaration) to outline that is your wish and why.

If you're going to pass assets outside of a will (via joint accounts, beneficiaries, etc) make your intentions clear.

"I don't want my daughter to inherit because she respects Connor McDavid's talent and ability; while my son hates everything Oilers carte blanche, so he inherits everything".

Go see a lawyer, keep it clear.

To get to the OP: I don't know you or your family, and thus I can't understand your situation, which means I can't give advice. By the sounds of things the inheritance is yours abosultely. That said, there's a different between what is legal and what is moral.

That doesn't mean sharing nor splitting is morally right. I'm only pointing out that legal and morally right isn't necessarily the same thing.

I focused in on this point. You're right, legally he owes nothing, not a red cent. Morally if his mother would have approached this differently instead of basically stating

She brought it up again today basically saying she deserves 50% and she raised me to do the right thing and she should get 50% of the money. Also mentioning basically it will sour our relationship if she doesn't

I would as a person felt better about passing money to the sister. Instead the mom used a bull #### line about how if he doesn't give her money that he isn't doing what she raised him to do, and they their relationship would be soured would make me want to have zero to do with her, period. Especially in such as short time since his Dad's death.

To me the mother is acting like a gross human being, and more interested in money, that maybe the son has earned by easing his fathers journey to death and helping him. But the daughter even when the Dad was sick didn't, and so what the heck does she expect.

Moral, sure, but the Mom and Daughter shouldn't expect anything on moral grounds after this.

[Amethyst]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Your mother threatening your relationship over the money would to be honest make me back away. Especially since your still probably emotionally compromised over the death of your Dad.

To me and this is my interpretation. Your mom found the amount and told her Daughter and her daughter saw money signs and told your mom to pressure you to get half, and they probably agreed to share the money.

I will state again, your mom threatening your relationship with you 7 days after his death whether you loved your Dad or not, is gross. Your sister expecting a penny from him after abandoning the relationship 15 years ago is outright delusional.

I agree that the mother telling him to give 50% to his sister is wrong. But there is no mention of the sister being involved. Parents often tell their children what to do and it could have easily been the mother's idea.

He was planning to give money to the sister anyway, so to change his mind based on what the mother did isn't right.

If the OP cares what I think about the split, I would do it 50-50, as both were the man's children, rather than trying to judge how much each deserves based on their relationships (or lack thereof). Maybe the OP is stronger emotionally and was better able to overcome a difficult childhood?

[CaptainYooh]

Can't believe you guys are coming up with this "mom being manipulative" bs. How about the mother worries that if one sibling doesn't share 50-50 with another, it might ruin the relationship between them forever and simply cares that it doesn't?

[GGG]

Thought experiment:

If you could go back in time to when your father asked you how to split his will would you now say 50/50 because anything else will cause harm in my relationship. If you would then the answer yes than the answer for you is obvious.

In some ways your Dad put you in this situation because he should have known this would come out and known it would affect your relationship with your sister.

And some rambling

What your dad wanted to do with the money should have no bearing on what you decide to do. The idea that an unknowable intent should govern and affect your relationships going forward is not a good one. The person who wrote the will is dead. That will is just the legal transfer of assets. You don’t do a disservice to their memory if you choose to do something different. A will isnt a binding contract between you and the dead. It’s just a means of transferring their assets to other people.

If you do decide to split the insurance 50/50 and the estate 50/50 make sure to pay yourself for the hours put in as executed as it’s a tonne of work and you deserve to be compensated for it and secondly keep detailed records of everything so you can show why it’s less than a person might expect

If you are going the keeping it route consider the time cost of Lawyers if the estate is worth fighting over especially if the life insurance is the bulk of the value and it passes through with a beneficiary.

Either way you don’t have any moral obligations but know that your decision regardless of what it is will change relationships with everyone involved so make your plan based on the outcomes you want.

[Fighting Banana Slug]

It’s yours. It was your dad’s decision to make to give it all to you. Now it is your decision to do what you want.

Mom’s can be hard to deal with, but ultimately she has nothing to do with it. I would be more interested in what your sister actually wants. If she removed your dad from her life, does she even want that money?

Bottom line, I think the source of that money should be removed from the equation. If your sister really needs the cash, you might want to share, but I don’t think 50/50 is the starting point. I mean, if you received a windfall from another source, an unexpected bonus from work or a lottery win or something, would your first inclination be to share it with your sister evenly?

[GirlySports]

A lesson for us all? Start giving some money to your kids while you're alive and not when you're dead? Don't put your kids/spouse in this situation?

If both Twitchy15 and his sister had gotten a trust fund or if dad gave some of his money to Twitchy15 while care was being given there would not be as much money in the will to fight over.

[CliffFletcher]

It’s really difficult to estimate how much money an elderly person will need. Living to 75 in your own home vs living to 95 with the last 10 years spent in care at $5k a month will have dramatically different financial outcomes. I expect with most people, the bulk of their property at death will be their home, which isn’t accessible until either they’re dead or they need to go to a care home (which may consume much of the value).

I’m managing the finances of my parents, both of whom suffer from dementia and one of whom is in care, and I can’t say with confidence what their assets will look like 5 or 10 years from now.

[Fighting Banana Slug]

Originally Posted by GirlySports

A lesson for us all? Start giving some money to your kids while you're alive and not when you're dead? Don't put your kids/spouse in this situation?

If both Twitchy15 and his sister had gotten a trust fund or if dad gave some of his money to Twitchy15 while care was being given there would not be as much money in the will to fight over.

I might be mistaken, but I think the scenario in the OP, was that the dad had nothing, other than some life insurance. I don’t think a trust fund was in the cards.

Otherwise, I would say sure. Try and give that money when you are still alive. I get that sentiment.

Edit: As Cliff says, it can be tricky. My parents are In the same boat. They probably have enough to live until the end, but they are constantly worried about the higher costs near the end. Ultimately it is their money and they can do what they want with it.

[Shazam]

Spend the 50% on a Saw-type game and put your mom and sister in it.

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

It’s really difficult to estimate how much money an elderly person will need. Living to 75 in your own home vs living to 95 with the last 10 years spent in care at $5k a month will have dramatically different financial outcomes. I expect with most people, the bulk of their property at death will be their home, which isn’t accessible until either they’re dead or they need to go to a care home (which may consume much of the value).

I’m managing the finances of my parents, both of whom suffer from dementia and one of whom is in care, and I can’t say with confidence what their assets will look like 5 or 10 years from now.

Originally Posted by Fighting Banana Slug

I might be mistaken, but I think the scenario in the OP, was that the dad had nothing, other than some life insurance. I don’t think a trust fund was in the cards.

Otherwise, I would say sure. Try and give that money when you are still alive. I get that sentiment.

Edit: As Cliff says, it can be tricky. My parents are In the same boat. They probably have enough to live until the end, but they are constantly worried about the higher costs near the end. Ultimately it is their money and they can do what they want with it.

I understand if people are tight but some people have a lot, more than enough, and still put everything in their will. That's when fights start.

Since they were born, I've been squirreling away a little for my kids each month in a mutual fund, like $100 each. I treat it as another expense. They'll have some money at 18 for school or whatever else. May not seem much but $100 x 12 x 18 = 21600 plus whatever interest is accumulated. But after that, they're on their own.

Also, they won't know this until they're 18 so it'll be a nice surprise. I still want them to work as teenagers to get extra money and experience.

[GGG]

Originally Posted by GirlySports

I understand if people are tight but some people have a lot, more than enough, and still put everything in their will. That's when fights start.

Since they were born, I've been squirreling away a little for my kids each month, like $100 each. I treat it as another expense. They'll have some money at 18 for school or whatever else. But after that, they're on your own.

I don’t think the fights are actually about the amount money. More lawyers will be involved with larger amounts but the ruined relationships occur at all dollar values. The reason isn’t that people are greedy it’s that the expectations of what is “just” vary so much. This spread has the full spectrum of your Dad wanted you to keep it so keep it to its your duty to share and everything in between.

The fight starts because everyone’s perception of fairness is different and their are huge amounts of emotional baggage and stress.

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by GGG

I don’t think the fights are actually about the amount money. More lawyers will be involved with larger amounts but the ruined relationships occur at all dollar values. The reason isn’t that people are greedy it’s that the expectations of what is “just” vary so much. This spread has the full spectrum of your Dad wanted you to keep it so keep it to its your duty to share and everything in between.

The fight starts because everyone’s perception of fairness is different and their are huge amounts of emotional baggage and stress.

Just because 'you' think it's fair or unfair doesn't mean it is. There's a bazillion perceived unfair things in life.

The will says Twitchy15 gets 100%. That's fair. I think this is an easy case for lawyers no?

Twitchy15 is fighting with morality which sucks. Was the mom estranged from the dad too? It seems weird that she's involved now and not before.

[Scroopy Noopers]

Originally Posted by CaptainYooh

Can't believe you guys are coming up with this "mom being manipulative" bs. How about the mother worries that if one sibling doesn't share 50-50 with another, it might ruin the relationship between them forever and simply cares that it doesn't?

If splitting a “non-life changing amount” of money is what is needed to keep the relationship afloat then it was dead in the water to begin with.

I actually assume my sister will get 100% of my parents estate, and I legitimately don’t want or care for a penny. If somehow she gets $2mil (shark attack life insurance payout or something), cool… I can’t imagine being angry that she wouldn’t reverse my parents wishes and give me half. It’s so petty and insane.

[Scroopy Noopers]

Originally Posted by GirlySports

Just because 'you' think it's fair or unfair doesn't mean it is. There's a bazillion perceived unfair things in life.

The will says Twitchy15 gets 100%. That's fair. I think this is an easy case for lawyers no?

Twitchy15 is fighting with morality which sucks. Was the mom estranged from the dad too? It seems weird that she's involved now and not before.

OP says they divorced when they were under the age of 5…

[GGG]

Originally Posted by GirlySports

Just because 'you' think it's fair or unfair doesn't mean it is. There's a bazillion perceived unfair things in life.

The will says Twitchy15 gets 100%. That's fair. I think this is an easy case for lawyers no?

Twitchy15 is fighting with morality which sucks. Was the mom estranged from the dad too? It seems weird that she's involved now and not before.

I think we are saying the same thing. Peoples perception of “fairness” is what causes these fights regardless of the legal answer

My only disagreement with your post was that the amount of money at stake matters. This can happen over $5000 or even just sentimental belongings of little cash value.