I think the issue with many people is that they don't realize that many people have different definitions of friends, acquaintances and family.
Some also don't realize that with certain ways of defining these terms, other people can float between the different labels and/or have more than one of them.
Finally, if you're OK with a limited amount of friends, there's no reason to force yourself to expand it into a bigger group of people. Diversification of friends to reach wholeness in adult hood isn't a thing. Do it if you want to. Not doing it is OK too if you feel OK with that.
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I have a small circle of friends from high school days that are scattered between Alberta, BC, and USA and we always do an annual summer get-together either in the US or BC. Obviously it's been difficult over the past few years to get together but we have a road trip scheduled spring that I'm excited about.
I must admit I have not really made any real friends (plenty of acquaintances) over my adult years. It's weird how influential the high school years have over your life when it comes to long term friendships.
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I have made at least 80% of my friends as an adult. Not sure why, but I’m pretty outgoing and into a lot of different things. Also I am pretty hospitable, we host a lot of parties. I also have a tendency to hang around until you basically have to become my friend (obviously kidding but my partner refers to it as “kicking in the front door and refusing to leave).
There’s a comedy skit on youtube (maybe SNL?) where a couple of women who are friends arrange a playdate for their husbands. So friendless husbands don’t seem to be uncommon.
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The Cavalry FC is Calgary's pro soccer team in the Canadian Premier League. They play at Spruce Meadows. Games are an absolute blast to go to.
Spoiler!
If you want to get out and meet people, maybe try doing the supporters bus one game. Everyone is friendly, especially as the booze starts to flow. I've been told recently that we're nothing special so you don't have to try and impress anyone there.
I know I've met multiple people from CP through that group and I'm sure they'd all agree it's a fun experience. If you run into me I can introduce you to some folks, I swear I'm a piece of #### good guy to have a beer around.
Sliver, you're invited too.
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If you want to get out and meet people, maybe try doing the supporters bus one game. Everyone is friendly, especially as the booze starts to flow. I've been told recently that we're nothing special so you don't have to try and impress anyone there.
I know I've met multiple people from CP through that group and I'm sure they'd all agree it's a fun experience. If you run into me I can introduce you to some folks, I swear I'm a piece of #### good guy to have a beer around.
Sliver, you're invited too.
I'm considering starting a satellite supports group in Toronto. I found that the Foot Soldiers events and presence at Cavs games were super fun to attend, and no doubt you can make friends there.
The Ultras might be a different story but maybe that's just because I'm slightly intimidated by them
I have half a dozen friends I can do stuff with, all of them 'couple friends'. Some I brought from work, some my wife brought from work, but always it was her who established and maintained the couple friendship else I might not have any. Over time they've become my friends as much as our friends as we've discovered mutual interests. That's one bit of advice - if your partner is more social try to piggyback off that. (She also has friends that are more like obligations than friends to me so it's not foolproof).
The other thing that helped I almost hate to mention but I will because it happened and it helped. My teenage son started complaining about lack of focus and things like that and self-diagnosed himself with ADD. He went to our doctor and sure enough it was confirmed. Everything he complained about I have lived with all my life...we just called it procrastination. So I went to the doctor and he just laughed...it's always the kids first then the parents. Sure enough, ADD. I've lived with it all my life so wasn't sure if I should try medication but I did and...it was transformative. More focus, better productivity, but most of all it got me out of my shell...I felt like a better version of myself and it helped immensely with friendships. Not crazy different and wired all the time, just that little bit more life energy. I'm not recommending this unless there is an underlying reason for it - in my case it was seriously affecting my work.
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There’s a comedy skit on youtube (maybe SNL?) where a couple of women who are friends arrange a playdate for their husbands. So friendless husbands don’t seem to be uncommon.
This kind of happened to me. A woman I worked with thought that me and her husband, a pilot that didn't have a lot of friends, would really hit it off so she arranged to sit us together at the company Christmas party. It ended up being really forced and awkward and we barely spoke to each other all night.
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I don't find it that hard to believe. It's easy to meet acquaintances, but can be pretty tough to meet people you can hang out with regularly. Preferably a group of people is better.
A lot of people don't seem to have time for new people. Even in this thread, you have multiple people stating they actively do not want to let new people into their circle and are content just laughing about old jokes with their long time inner circle. Multiple people giving advice like "call up your high school friends".....
well said.
on a related note, there are a few people on CP who are insistent on making sure we know about their life coaches and self help books, and that they can enrich our lives.
For the friend thing. For me, time is still number one.
Between work, wife & kid, and chores, I don't have much extra time.
Especially as I'm getting older and on work nights am in bed by 11:00 (not much later on weekends)
Then there are the family commitments, and the rare times I can see the few friends I do have.
I just don't see the time to get to know someone new, especially enough to make them a part of my life. I think for me, this is it until I retire.
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I have half a dozen friends I can do stuff with, all of them 'couple friends'. Some I brought from work, some my wife brought from work, but always it was her who established and maintained the couple friendship else I might not have any. Over time they've become my friends as much as our friends as we've discovered mutual interests. That's one bit of advice - if your partner is more social try to piggyback off that. (She also has friends that are more like obligations than friends to me so it's not foolproof).
The other thing that helped I almost hate to mention but I will because it happened and it helped. My teenage son started complaining about lack of focus and things like that and self-diagnosed himself with ADD. He went to our doctor and sure enough it was confirmed. Everything he complained about I have lived with all my life...we just called it procrastination. So I went to the doctor and he just laughed...it's always the kids first then the parents. Sure enough, ADD. I've lived with it all my life so wasn't sure if I should try medication but I did and...it was transformative. More focus, better productivity, but most of all it got me out of my shell...I felt like a better version of myself and it helped immensely with friendships. Not crazy different and wired all the time, just that little bit more life energy. I'm not recommending this unless there is an underlying reason for it - in my case it was seriously affecting my work.
Am curious what you tried and what worked.
Was it just medications or other lifestyle/diet changes?
on a related note, there are a few people on CP who are insistent on making sure we know about their life coaches and self help books, and that they can enrich our lives.
For the friend thing. For me, time is still number one.
Between work, wife & kid, and chores, I don't have much extra time.
Especially as I'm getting older and on work nights am in bed by 11:00 (not much later on weekends)
Then there are the family commitments, and the rare times I can see the few friends I do have.
I just don't see the time to get to know someone new, especially enough to make them a part of my life. I think for me, this is it until I retire.
So true, but you will find this. Trust me, I know, I am probably one of the oldest posters here.
When the huge demands of going to work and providing for your family lighten up, you will have time to reconnect.
And usually, if they were truly old friends, the time missed will not matter. You will be able to talk and visit with them and pick up right where you left off.
My wife makes friends all the time and seems to have new friends almost every year. I
Look back to our wedding almost 9 years ago and her bridesmaids would be completely different now than then. I have had the same buddies for 12-35 years (still good buddies with someone I have known since I was 3).
I have been reluctant to try and make any new close friends because I have a hard enough time seeing the 4-5 good buddies I have today. My wife will always tell me I will like her new friends husband and while I will get along with him or anyone just fine I don’t have the desire to hangout beyond times we are hanging out because of our wives are hanging out.
I consider myself fortunate to have a good group of buddies and I also understand how hard it is in your 30’s and beyond it is to make friends.
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I messaged one of my best friends on his birthday this week. We were roommates in college, I emceed his wedding, I'm his daughter's godfather, she was flower girl at my wedding, have had countless Christmas dinners at his family's dinner table.
So when was the last time I messaged him before his birthday this year?
His birthday last year.
Welcome to your late 30's!
Time is just like, a concept man
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OP, I have also struggled with this through my life and turn 40 this year, too. Planning my big 4-0 has been a deflating experience as well.
Weird question but, would you say you’re good at “play”? Do you do it at all?
The older I’ve become, the less I play or do things for fun. I don’t “live for the weekend”, plan vacations or big consumer purchases (holidays especially stress me out more than relax me), and I have an absolutely AWFUL time maintaining a calendar. I don’t play, and it’s like I’ve forgotten how! Fun isn’t fun. How did it get here? I have no clue.
This is not how most other people run their lives from what I can tell, so no wonder people don’t want to be “my friend”. I’ve been told that I’m flaky. People
can’t handle me being late to things. I’m slow to complete. I’ve lost both friendships and serious business relationships over this. Probably romantic ones too. Heck, I even struggle to find affinity and belonging in groups like political allegiances! No one has come right out and said it but the results prove I’m not easy to maintain a relationship with.
I’ve been friends with several people IRL in this forum. I’d say I’m still acquainted with many, but I wouldn’t say I still have friendships. Just ask them how hard it is to be my friend. I don’t blame any one of them, we all do the things that are easiest to have our needs met.
There is without a question that because of these life experiences there is a part of me that feels unqualified and unworthy of friendship in this way - I’ve given up!
I didn’t realize that a lot of these are symptoms of my ADHD which was not diagnosed until I was 38.5. So while this is becoming more clear, it doesn’t undo the hurtful crap that I’ve been through so far, nor does it magically give me the desire or skills to “be like everyone else” so it can reverse.
I’m trying to keep the problem simple. What is it I am looking for out of friendships? I think I want friends so I can play when I need to; so I have a network to lean on when things get hard; so I get invited along calls to action or adventure; to get lucky by being well connected; and to offer these same things back.
I always felt these urges, and when I was younger it was pretty hard not to have at least some semblance of a friend group. The further I get from school, the thinner that group has become. It bothered me when I was younger too, but it drove me to tell a story about myself that I needed to learn how to be totally independent of others to get what I need and want in life. I still notice that’s my attitude towards life. I see how that prevents me from forming attachments, to the point that I don’t know how to otherwise.
Yet now that I’m older, and slowing down in general, I can’t maintain the energy and extra effort it takes to “go it alone”. This brings a mix of feelings - loneliness, decreased self confidence, a little fear. But mostly I just feel exhausted.
I don’t want to die, but I also look at how much more of this there could be to go and think “holy #####, can I do it?”. I’ve also racked up what others would consider successful outcomes or difficult/rare achievements but they are ultimately quite hollow. I’m not particularly proud of anything I’ve produced in my career. My children are getting to the age where they’re displaying similar developmental challenges which brings pangs of guilt and dread that is difficult to live with or solve. I am not a role model for them to form and maintain healthy friendship bonds, so I know I’m setting them up for similar problems in life. I hate this.
I’ve adjusted by lowering my expectations for life. I’ve accepted that I can’t do it the way everyone else does. I hope this can be a temporary pit stop to something better, but that’s where I’m at today.
What do you look for out of friendship? What does it really mean to others?
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Just like other posters and readers on this thread... you've touched on several items many of us can relate to.
One of the biggest standouts in your wall of text is that you seem to have convinced yourself of some things and thus don't see yourself perhaps as worthy of some stuff. Don't be your own self-fulfilling prophet. Some informal or formal therapy might help you along your journey?
Does ADHD affect you? (and others).... yes. no doubt. BUT be self-aware, do what you need to with that. That may include solo self-reflection or LEARNING to relax and focus better. Start in 5min increments by following some you-tubers... some won't work, and some will resonate well.
Exercise... it's magic for mind and body. Doesn't mean going out and being stupid with weights. Start with walking and movement. Stretching and body movement are fantastic for this, and it helps with relaxation and focus. Look up Tom Merrick (hope I spelled that right) on youtube.
So far... I've suggested solo stuff for a happier mind and body. Stick with it for a while.
If you're able try to join an interest group that has some organization. This could be sports, games, whatever. The point is it gets you engaged and out of your home without a huge commitment. Stick with it for at least 6 months. Practice being social and emotionally aware. You never know what may come of it.
Dunno if that helped any... maybe I was just talking to myself with some advice I should be following as well. But, if nothing else, try something and keep it up for a while, and keep posting because there is interest here about others' experiences and solutions. That's what makes CP good.. anonymous but not totally.
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Buy a truck, you will suddenly have all sorts of friends, granted most of them will be needy mooches but thats what friends are for right?
The OP mentioned having school aged kids, getting involved in their activities is an easy way to meat people. Coaching, or simply spectating will give you an immediate connection with other Dads, some may turn out to be friends while others will be parents you wish you'd never met.
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I read some of the post in this thread and all I can think of is this song
I don't have anything better to say, but sometimes music can provide a window inward to deal with things in a better way. Sometimes, it's just a bunch of noise that doesn't help at all, so there's that.
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AltaGuy has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000.
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Just wanted to chime in and say that I'm also one of those men who was diagnosed and treated for ADD in my late 30s. Wasn't a huge change for my social life, but holy did it improve my professional life. Answered a lot of questions about weird patterns for me.
I think the issue with many people is that they don't realize that many people have different definitions of friends, acquaintances and family.
Some also don't realize that with certain ways of defining these terms, other people can float between the different labels and/or have more than one of them.
Finally, if you're OK with a limited amount of friends, there's no reason to force yourself to expand it into a bigger group of people. Diversification of friends to reach wholeness in adult hood isn't a thing. Do it if you want to. Not doing it is OK too if you feel OK with that.
If you're busy doing a lot of things over the course of a given week then it's hard to maintain many friendships anyways.
It's really, really nice to have a few people to join you in the activities you enjoy, and that's where friends are the most rewarding.
But between working or studying, side projects, hobbies, workouts, R&R time, dating, how can you even manage to fit more than a couple of friends into that schedule?
Ideally 2 social outings per week is perfect for me. I don't need to be surrounded by people frequently outside of obligatory commitments (work). So it definitely depends on what you're like and what your social needs are.
However that baseline of 2 or so outings/week with a person/people I can talk to, joke around with, vent to, etc. although minimal, needs to be met as it's really important to well-being.
Without that social "release" you start to internalize the emotions of your week, begin to act recluse in ways, and get irrational thoughts in your head.
I almost feel like being around a friend and having those chats and just relating to one another helps to remind you that you aren't alone in how crazy life is, and it really grounds you. Recharges your battery, per-se, and it probably does the same for them too.
As far as expanding, I think you should let things run their course naturally and let that be the deciding factor, as opposed to forcing something just to add to your social pool/prospects. If you click with someone and time spent around them is rewarding, then that's worth taking time out of your schedule for. But I wouldn't do it for anything less.
I know some people are different and they're all about networking and making contacts 24/7 and there are benefits in that in terms of business, connections and friendships later down the line. But the way I see it is your time is finite and those really good people for you are few and far in between once you get to know people. So in my mind, that effort is better reserved for those people you know intuitively that you click with, like those rare 'instant' best friends that it feels like you've known forever from the first 5 minutes you meet. It should be easy like that IMO.
It might be because I've done my share of hanging out with people that had different values and weren't actually fun to be around even if the plans always sounded good at the outset. If you have people in your schedule that being around drains you in some way, you're always better cutting that commitment out rather than sticking it out just to be sociable. Being social frequently just for the sake of it if it's not actually fun to you is worse than saving that time for those less frequent but higher quality gatherings.
Last edited by djsFlames; 03-20-2022 at 11:14 PM.
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