This seems like really good advice to me, but also somewhat hard to implement. How would you go about it?
Good question. Some acquaintances who aren't good friends might have some insight. A spouse might be able to comment... What first impression might she get if she didn't know you already? Are there any pictures of yourself or videos where you're around others? Look at them without any sound or context and see what the body language says.
I'm 37 and I made my first friend in 20 years just recently. I connected with him via shared activities, we go to the same gym and volunteer at the same place. I am Autistic and have been open with him from the start, it's was a way to make it clear that I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm jumping in with booth feet.
Now the real tough nut to crack, a girlfriend and losing my virginity.
Maybe a professional can help with this? If not locally, maybe a trip to Vegas? I bet there are working girls who specialize in helping a fella out. I don't see any shame in that. For a lot of cultures it would be extremely normal for you to do so. We're just sort of conditioned to look down on it, but in your shoes I think it'd be totally fair.
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I think the biggest difference between the 20s and 30s, is in my 20s I could try to arrange a get together, and worst case there were a few people who would reliably show up, I used to put together Grey Cup Parties, and Games Nights, and Keggers.... Now the way life has gone even if I tried to arrange a get together I would be doing it without 100% confidence anyone would show up, the old reliables have busy lives or I haven't talked to them in years, so I don't.
Covid certainly has made it worse, my pickup hockey game is gone, other sports like Skiing are family time. A few friends I was only seeing 1-2 times / year now haven't been seen it years. Even with all of the time I've spent running kids around to sports the past 3 years, I haven't gotten to know any of the parents well, because weren't allowed inside for a big chunk of time. And my wife is pretty introverted, I think she only really has ~2 friends and from what I've heard the vast majority of 30 something men are just friends with their wives friends.
really, I don't see this at all
Guys need to do their own things...your pickup hockey game should be back, if not there are about 20 beer leagues in the city. Join a team and you will have 10-15 friends instantly.
We really can look at our social lives as matter of health, and give it the care and effort it deserves. All the talk of destigmatizing, and just asking for some company seems to be insurmountable at times. Thanks for reminding me that i need to get on that...I've lived in Calgary for 12 years and the only people I see outside of work are familial.
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No, no…I’m not sloppy, or lazy. This is a sign of the boredom.
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Being social and functioning in groups with collaborative roles is at the core of how we survived until we cultivated advanced tools and discovered agriculture.
Going the way of social media and living life from home and our smartphones in the modern age is taking us away from our very nature.
I think in the coming decades we'll discover the extent to which technology and social media/networks have been detrimental to us in the ways of our social competence and quality of life.
Last edited by djsFlames; 03-15-2022 at 02:41 AM.
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I have always felt extremely fortunate to have had a hardcore group of friends that have remained friends for the last 30+ years. There's 7 or 8 of us guys who get together a few times a year, but with our wives and kids and other friends, there is a pool of many people that I feel close to. Big get togethers are rare but amazing, and the more regular stuff, though still rare, fills my cup to the point where I am ok with the more casual friendships I've made later in life. I enjoy being social with people without feeling like I'm trying to fill a friend-shaped hole.
Guys need to do their own things...your pickup hockey game should be back, if not there are about 20 beer leagues in the city. Join a team and you will have 10-15 friends instantly.
I'm trying to remember where it was, but I think there was actually some social research exploring why coupled men in their 30's only make friends through their counterparts connections. If I can remember where it was I will bring it up.
Wasn't really looking for advice, on the hockey thing. Not really interested in joining a team where people feel any level of competition at all, I really just can't stand the way grown men behave in a hockey game. Played pickup with some guys to get a bit of exercise without emotional involvement of a scoreboard. Like a great many things people scattered over the last two years and it just never came back together. Moral of my post, I'm with the OP it's hard out there for a 30 something guy, and the last two years certainly didn't help.
I'm trying to remember where it was, but I think there was actually some social research exploring why coupled men in their 30's only make friends through their counterparts connections. If I can remember where it was I will bring it up.
Wasn't really looking for advice, on the hockey thing. Not really interested in joining a team where people feel any level of competition at all, I really just can't stand the way grown men behave in a hockey game. Played pickup with some guys to get a bit of exercise without emotional involvement of a scoreboard. Like a great many things people scattered over the last two years and it just never came back together. Moral of my post, I'm with the OP it's hard out there for a 30 something guy, and the last two years certainly didn't help.
Lol. There's nothing worse than playing rec hockey with out of shape grown men who are jerks about it. I had to quit rec hockey after my daughter was born, 8 months ago. I really don't feel the desire to go back. I really don't miss the guys star chasing or losing their cool if lesser players don't excel. I was playing in a non tiered league, with a purposely huge variety of skill levels. Generally the guys who had actually played at a high level were pretty good at being civil. It was the mid level guys, who weren't really good enough to play at an even somewhat advanced tiered level, who were the problem.
Unless you're good and/or just get really lucky, pickup hockey may not be the best option for meeting people. Too many weekend warriors throwing tantrums. I guess it's part of the culture?
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However, I've been fortunate that my close knit group of friends has stayed around our hometown.
With the pandemic we rarely see each other but hopefully that changes this summer.
All that to say, I jokingly told my boss yesterday if the Flames make the final find someone to cover me as I'll be in Calgary.
Which means, if the Flames make the finals I'll be available for beers. If all goes according to plan you can bring the kids too, as I'd want to bring mine
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Skills come and go, have you considered you're not good at this anymore? Maybe before blaming the population of Victoria we do some self assessment.
No, I’m pretty confident in that assessment. I’ve made some inroads with other parents of my kids classmates and we all had this observation about born and raised Victorians.
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No, I’m pretty confident in that assessment. I’ve made some inroads with other parents of my kids classmates and we all had this observation about born and raised Victorians.
I have friends that moved to Victoria for university and stayed and their experience was similar to yours, except they had the advantage of a built in peer group from school that made socializing a lot easier.
I have other friends that moved to Calgary from Victoria and they've remarked on more than one occasion how relatively friendly people in Calgary are and how easy it was to make friends with neighbours, colleagues and other parents from the kids' school.
I have friends that moved to Victoria for university and stayed and their experience was similar to yours, except they had the advantage of a built in peer group from school that made socializing a lot easier.
I have other friends that moved to Calgary from Victoria and they've remarked on more than one occasion how relatively friendly people in Calgary are and how easy it was to make friends with neighbours, colleagues and other parents from the kids' school.
I sometimes fake it a bit with locals, my parents bought a house here in 1994 when my mom was working on her PhD at UVic, so I can talk at a high level about what the city has been like over the years, and I was here for the snow of 1996. But it doesn’t get me too far.
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Who is in charge of this product and why haven't they been fired yet?
I have always felt extremely fortunate to have had a hardcore group of friends that have remained friends for the last 30+ years. There's 7 or 8 of us guys who get together a few times a year, but with our wives and kids and other friends, there is a pool of many people that I feel close to. Big get togethers are rare but amazing, and the more regular stuff, though still rare, fills my cup to the point where I am ok with the more casual friendships I've made later in life. I enjoy being social with people without feeling like I'm trying to fill a friend-shaped hole.
I am like you blender. I have a core of 4-5 guys that I am tight with, super tight. Guys that when I haven't seen them in a while I have no issue giving them a huge and a kiss on the cheek. I have told each of them that I love them. They have accepted me with all my oddities, they judge when needed and support when needed.
OP, the only advice I will give you is to be honest and put yourself out there in whatever activity it is you enjoy, chess, hockey, rugby, needlepoint, dog walking. Don't concern yourself with those that you don't connect with or what people with think of you. It doesn't matter.
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Captain James P. DeCOSTE, CD, 18 Sep 1993
I am like you blender. I have a core of 4-5 guys that I am tight with, super tight. Guys that when I haven't seen them in a while I have no issue giving them a huge and a kiss on the cheek. I have told each of them that I love them. They have accepted me with all my oddities, they judge when needed and support when needed.
OP, the only advice I will give you is to be honest and put yourself out there in whatever activity it is you enjoy, chess, hockey, rugby, needlepoint, dog walking. Don't concern yourself with those that you don't connect with or what people with think of you. It doesn't matter.
Are these guys you played rugby with? Only reason I ask is that I've got some friends that I played with and we're also tight like that. Rugby seems to create some special bonds between people. Some guys who I hadn't seen in years and then see them somewhere, it's an immediate rekindling of those times and such. It's pretty cool.
Are these guys you played rugby with? Only reason I ask is that I've got some friends that I played with and we're also tight like that. Rugby seems to create some special bonds between people. Some guys who I hadn't seen in years and then see them somewhere, it's an immediate rekindling of those times and such. It's pretty cool.
Yes, we played years and years together.
I have other non-rugby friends, but most are through the club. Some of them I have played with since we were 16.
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Captain James P. DeCOSTE, CD, 18 Sep 1993
Corporal Jean-Marc H. BECHARD, 6 Aug 1993
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