Struggle to Make and Maintain Friends/Relationships

[btimbit]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Dafuq is Cavalry?

Guessing they mean the Calgary Cavalry

[djsFlames]

A nice gentleman that I connected with just out getting some supplies a while asked for my info and tried to maintain contact and I hesitantly turned him down.

One of the above posts was right in that friendly gestures tend to come across as business propositions when you've grown up. You become a bit skeptical as to people's intentions, thinking they want something from you, rather than taking friendliness at face value. It was kind of a gut instinct thing for me.

That closed off-ness is something I rip on our society for and yet I was guilty of not giving that a fair shake. So, maybe some adjusting and open mindedness needs to be employed going forward.

In my view, the most organic way to make lasting connections is doing things you enjoy in a social environment with others who share the same interests. And if that connection forms organically, then you'll know that friendship was destined to be. People who like the same things tend to like each other.

Forcing a friendship is awkward, and it doesn't work. I think that's why really good friendships become less and less as life progresses. You shed the ones that you grow apart from or you just realize don't share your values or outlook on life. The ones that endure tend to be the most flexible ones that don't require constant upkeep because there is an understanding on both sides that life is busy. And they're connections that are focused around hobbies and interests ('fun' things that don't change over time).

I will say this: It's better to have less or no friends than ones who are predominantly negative presences in your life. If they don't have an interest in growing in any way & try to keep you in unhealthy or time-wasting activities and you're a growth-oriented individual, then it's absolutely better to be on your own if that helps facilitate you being the best person you can be. If they aren't flexible and give you a hard time because you have your own things going on, then you're better off without that. If they're critical of your choices or lifestyle and not in a constructive sort of way that's meant to help, then you're also better off without that.

There are friendships that work, and ones that you're better off veering away from. And the ones that are beneficial long term are few and far between, because people who get you but also are flexible, forgiving, and (really) want the best for you are also naturally few in number. So I wouldn't ever feel bad about not having an abundance of friends.

Because people with loads of friends likely are harbouring a bunch of bad apples in there anyways. So chances are, you're better off than they are (in a way). And you have more time, and don't owe your attention and energy to this huge circle of people. That can bring a lot of extra stress, which is a waste when some of those individuals aren't good for you anyways.

Focusing on what you do have presently and searching for gratitude for those people each and every day is the best medicine, no matter what your situation is. There's always a way that you can frame your situation in a way that makes it feel like a blessing, or that you don't have it so bad. It's important for your own mental health to get into a habit of looking at the bright side of things. Because otherwise you could find yourself with all these people and things one day and still feel inadequate, because that just how you trained yourself to think.

And if you're being positive and not closed off, you're more approachable and it's easier for new to come in. So I'd say just get yourself and your outlook right first. Once you've done that, maybe try to put yourself in situations where socializing is most likely to happen, particularly doing things you like. It's no guarantee, but doing that objectively increases your odds of that happening at some point.

[OutOfTheCube]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Dafuq is Cavalry?

I think it's where Jesus was crucified.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by btimbit

Guessing they mean the Calgary Cavalry

Still don't know what that is. Must be a sports team, but I'm not bothering to google it just because.

[btimbit]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Still don't know what that is. Must be a sports team, but I'm not bothering to google it just because.

Never change Sliver, you're my favourite character

[Muta]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Still don't know what that is. Must be a sports team, but I'm not bothering to google it just because.

The Cavalry FC is Calgary's pro soccer team in the Canadian Premier League. They play at Spruce Meadows. Games are an absolute blast to go to.

Spoiler!

[IGGYFORMVP]

B1crunch this was a very brave post. I am sure many of us on here are in a similar boat.

The advice other have posted pretty much covers anything I could say.

One positive thing is a lot of people will be feeling the same way coming out of the pandemic so it should be easier than ever to form new friendships.

Good luck man!

[blankall]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Isn't there a guy on here who owns a weed church or something where you can go and smoke big fat joints in a kind of Bohemian-cafe-style setting? If I was looking to meet people, that'd be my first stop.

But booze is great as a social lubricant, too.

Booze and weed together is ideal, though.

Marijuana makes me want to crawl into a corner and hide. I've tried the pure CBD stuff, but that had absolutely not effect. The guy said take one pill and start from there, I ended up taking 4 and not noticing anything. Meanwhile even the smallest amount of THC puts me in a black hole.

Socializing with new people on weed is my worst nightmare....unless there was enough booze that I didn't care.

But back on topic, I found that the pandemic really did a number on my social life. That and having a baby. I had a comfortably sized social structure and regular activities, that shrunk just enough to make it not comfortable. Some of it was trimming fat, but as long as the people aren't a major part of your life, I can handle and actually take enjoyment from seeing toxic people sparingly.

I guess I'm supposed to start making dad friends with other dads? Drinking until 3 in the morning really isn't a possibility or something I can handle anymore even.

[Misterpants]

OP said he has school age kids, that seems like the best place to go looking for friends. Kids sports teams and activities where the parents are hanging around anyways. Trick is, you would have to do that while they are young, because once they get to a certain age, it becomes more of a drop and go thing. Otherwise just follow everyone elses advice and go get drunk and high and start chatting people up on maybe the C-Train?

[tvp2003]

Don't have too much to add other than to say good luck to the OP and hopefully some of the advice on here is helpful. I'm slightly older, probably less successful, but also married with kids and otherwise kind of a loner (which I'm fine with as an introvert). If I had more time on my hands I might find myself going through something similar but "thankfully" I've got a job that sucks most of that up and the rest of the time is spent on CP (joking... sort of).

The one thing I will mention -- my wife got a dog and found she was able to expand her social circle by going to the dog park and meeting people there. As someone who stays at home that might be worth considering (both the canine companionship and meeting other dog owners); I personally wouldn't recommend it because I'm not a dog person and it's probably more work/stress than it's worth, but if it's something you've considered previously then perhaps that might be an option.

Oh, and if you're a Flames fan hopefully they can do some damage in the playoffs, in which case you'll have a plenty of things to talk about over the next several months...

[cam_wmh]

Originally Posted by Slava

No reason those two events couldn't coincide!

PM'd. Sorry for the side-tracking OP.

[Duruss]

I'm 37 and I made my first friend in 20 years just recently. I connected with him via shared activities, we go to the same gym and volunteer at the same place. I am Autistic and have been open with him from the start, it's was a way to make it clear that I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm jumping in with booth feet.

Now the real tough nut to crack, a girlfriend and losing my virginity.

[Cube Inmate]

Another thought.... See if you can find a way to understand how other people see you. What you describe as awkward can look like many different things: you're angry, aloof, shy, creepy, happy being alone, etc. You can't see yourself as others do, and if you're expressing a lack of approachability but don't realize it, you're sabotaging yourself.

[bizaro86]

Originally Posted by Cube Inmate

Another thought.... See if you can find a way to understand how other people see you. What you describe as awkward can look like many different things: you're angry, aloof, shy, creepy, happy being alone, etc. You can't see yourself as others do, and if you're expressing a lack of approachability but don't realize it, you're sabotaging yourself.

This seems like really good advice to me, but also somewhat hard to implement. How would you go about it?

[marsplasticeraser]

I'd like to also suggest finding a group that does stuff you like.

For me that has been outdoor clubs. It's healthy, I really enjoy it, and I find (as an introvert) it's easy to chat while out hiking compared to other activities.

One caveat is that for me this hasn't led to deep friendships. It has led to interesting conversations and the ability to get out of the house more. If I was at a different stage of life I could make closer friends, as there are beers and meals after a lot of hike, but I typically want to get home to see the family.

Good luck, if you're interested in the outdoors message me and I can suggest some good clubs.

PS: As your kids get older you may find you want to do more with them and it's hard to find time for others. For me that means I struggle to make time for clubs as I love backpacking, skiing and hiking with my family so much.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by marsplasticeraser

I'd like to also suggest finding a group that does stuff you like.

For me that has been outdoor clubs. It's healthy, I really enjoy it, and I find (as an introvert) it's easy to chat while out hiking compared to other activities.

One caveat is that for me this hasn't led to deep friendships. It has led to interesting conversations and the ability to get out of the house more. If I was at a different stage of life I could make closer friends, as there are beers and meals after a lot of hike, but I typically want to get home to see the family.

Good luck, if you're interested in the outdoors message me and I can suggest some good clubs.

PS: As your kids get older you may find you want to do more with them and it's hard to find time for others. For me that means I struggle to make time for clubs as I love backpacking, skiing and hiking with my family so much.

Well actually, I'm thinking thats exactly why he's asking.

As kids get older they start to have lives of their own and you do wind up spending less time with them.

Further, it seems like time is something he has, he just wants to spend some of it differently. Which is fair.

The thing of it is...you cant spend all your time with your wife and kids, it develops into a bubble without external input and nothing new happens. It makes perfect sense.

[Cali Panthers Fan]

Originally Posted by tvp2003

Don't have too much to add other than to say good luck to the OP and hopefully some of the advice on here is helpful. I'm slightly older, probably less successful, but also married with kids and otherwise kind of a loner (which I'm fine with as an introvert). If I had more time on my hands I might find myself going through something similar but "thankfully" I've got a job that sucks most of that up and the rest of the time is spent on CP (joking... sort of).

The one thing I will mention -- my wife got a dog and found she was able to expand her social circle by going to the dog park and meeting people there. As someone who stays at home that might be worth considering (both the canine companionship and meeting other dog owners); I personally wouldn't recommend it because I'm not a dog person and it's probably more work/stress than it's worth, but if it's something you've considered previously then perhaps that might be an option.

Oh, and if you're a Flames fan hopefully they can do some damage in the playoffs, in which case you'll have a plenty of things to talk about over the next several months...

Well here we go! I found a potential shared interest between you and Sliver! We're making new friends already!

[kermitology]

Hoooooo-boy.. do I feel you on this one sir.

I moved from Calgary to Victoria in June 2020. I had a good group of core friends, lived next door to one of my closest friends - they had kids that were 7 and 4 months older than my kids. Spent every Sunday with another couple with kids the same age as mine, and my best friend lived down the street from that couple. I had 2 other guys that I would go out with regularly just to hang out, go for a bike ride and have a beer.

Since moving, I've kind of been forced into a secluded life. People in Victoria are not the most welcoming people. Preference is given to those born in Victoria, then born on Vancouver Island, then regressively less accepted the further you are from Victoria.

I've had a hard time making new friends (something I'm really good at) in this environment coupled with Covid. I put myself out there though. The usual thought is to just say no to new interactions - they take a lot of energy for a lot of people, but it doesn't really help at the end of the day. Even introverts still need human interaction, as draining as it can be.

My best method of trying to build a community here has been through Twitter. I realize that sounds completely insane, but I picked a community to build using Twitter, in my case it was for cycling. Before I moved I posted to my #yycbike crowd asking for who are good people involved in the cycling community in Victoria and have made several acquaintances through that action. One guy lent me a cargo bike to try out and to help me convince my wife to buy one. I've met a number of those people in person, and I hope that when Covid does ramp down that I can cultivate those into deeper friendships.

Good luck to you, but remember that any relationship requires effort from both parties in order to be successful. There are people out there willing to spend time with you, I promise.

[Hemi-Cuda]

Originally Posted by Duruss

I'm 37 and I made my first friend in 20 years just recently. I connected with him via shared activities, we go to the same gym and volunteer at the same place. I am Autistic and have been open with him from the start, it's was a way to make it clear that I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm jumping in with booth feet.

Now the real tough nut to crack, a girlfriend and losing my virginity.

[#-3]

36 w. 8 & 10 yo kids.

Not all that different for me at all,

I think the biggest difference between the 20s and 30s, is in my 20s I could try to arrange a get together, and worst case there were a few people who would reliably show up, I used to put together Grey Cup Parties, and Games Nights, and Keggers.... Now the way life has gone even if I tried to arrange a get together I would be doing it without 100% confidence anyone would show up, the old reliables have busy lives or I haven't talked to them in years, so I don't.

Covid certainly has made it worse, my pickup hockey game is gone, other sports like Skiing are family time. A few friends I was only seeing 1-2 times / year now haven't been seen it years. Even with all of the time I've spent running kids around to sports the past 3 years, I haven't gotten to know any of the parents well, because weren't allowed inside for a big chunk of time. And my wife is pretty introverted, I think she only really has ~2 friends and from what I've heard the vast majority of 30 something men are just friends with their wives friends.