Don't kill yourself

[Dion]

Suicide is not a matter of choice. The profound depression that motivates most suicides is a disease. This disease causes a level of pain so profound that it twists one’s ability to assess risk, to make good choices, to maintain a sense of future possibilities. When people act out of this depression, they are notexercising free choice. They are falling victim to adisease. This disease is not about logic or selfinterest. It is about an immediate desire to be dead.

[Manhattanboy]

I hate this time of year.

[Manhattanboy]

And ran into my ex gf today having a drink with a mutual friend. Although we have been apart for several years she is the one I let get into my head and have never completely gotten over her. Brutal.

Edit. Apologies. Probably more appropriate in the gears thread.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by Dion

Suicide is not a matter of choice. The profound depression that motivates most suicides is a disease. This disease causes a level of pain so profound that it twists one’s ability to assess risk, to make good choices, to maintain a sense of future possibilities. When people act out of this depression, they are notexercising free choice. They are falling victim to adisease. This disease is not about logic or selfinterest. It is about an immediate desire to be dead.

You're probably 90% correct but how do you explain something like this that apparently happens quite often and of course it can be even worst with murder/suicides.

It happened to a employee of mine 10 years ago. She calls off the marriage and asked husband to leave after finding out about an ongoing affair with her best friend, wife returns home with their 9 year old twin girls and opens garage only to find husband has hung himself for all to see, this was a 22 hour event from the time she found out about the affair to his f-u suicide to his wife and 2 daughters. This wasn't depression in my mind, it was more of "if I have to leave I'm ruining the whole family" ...disgusting arsehole.

There should be a code for suicides, like go out to the woods and have your body consumed by animals or jump in the ocean with a 100lbs of bricks strapped to your back.

[AnonymousStranger]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

The year before last I had my brother in laws brother kill himself

Wouldn't your brother in laws brother just be your brother in law?

[Sliver]

Sister's husband's brother wouldn't be anything to him.

[AnonymousStranger]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Sister's husband's brother wouldn't be anything to him.

Right-o, forgot that in-laws can also be spouses of siblings. Only child here.

[SeeGeeWhy]

I just got back from a trip to the UK to send off a business partner who took his life a month ago. The travel time gave me a lot of space to reflect.

He would've turned 40 in a few weeks. He admitted that he had been making increasingly isolating decisions over the past 10 years of his life, which he regretted. Despite being a very progressive, open minded and proactive guy about his well being, I do think there were aspects of his life he refused to be honest about and that didn't help.

He had suffered an work related anxiety attack a few years ago, and once that happened, he could not get proper sleep. That is when he was never the same again.

He was wary about using medications because of an alcohol control problem, and he had been sober for over a decade. He would turn down personal opportunities because he was afraid of working too hard and bringing on another anxiety attack. But I believe this put him into a spiral where he began to believe he wasn't needed.

He eventually chose to return home to the UK after being here in Calgary for a little over a year, and within a few months had degraded so much that he chose to end it. All this despite being around his strongest support network.

The week he did it, he had told his mom he was suicidal and HAD to kill himself. She took him to the hospital, they kept him for one night, gave him some sleep aids and released him the next day. The sleeping pills didn't help the next night, so the night after that he decided to exact control once and for all over this awful thing he couldn't solve and stamped it out for good.

It was that need for control that myself and his brothers believe is what drove him to do it.

The decline effected me a lot... I had been very worried about him over the summer. I was starting to feel sympathetically anxious and depressed. That involved dwelling on past failures, which started spinning into a narrative that I didn't understand what value I brought to the world.

I couldn't recover from keeping myself personally calm with a huge amount of conflict going on around me so I could play the role of peacemaker. It was getting so painful and out of control, which is very unlike me. So much so that I went to my family doctor to get my bloodwork checked and to admit that I was afraid I was becoming depressed.

Everything checked out and the advice was a pile of wank. "Oh well, there are public clinics but they are very busy right now. Do you have benefits through work?" Well I've used those EAP style benefits before and can tell you they do not offer much of anything for mental health.

It took admitting to the people around me that the conflict was getting to me and I needed their help in bringing the volume level down on that, which was a shock, but I am grateful. The superstitious guy in me also looks at when my partner decided to take his life and it coincides to the DAY where I started feeling personal relief - this is all without direct communication between us. Supremely eerie.

It was also helpful in grieving to write and record this little piece on my immediate reflections after receiving the news. Hope some of you can enjoy it.

Then on the flight home, I found out a work friend took his life two weeks ago as well.

By my count that's 7 young men I've known directly or been related to that have done this.

I swear that telling them they have so much going for them adds to the doubt and the pressure they feel about themselves. "If I'm so great, why haven't I achieved ___________ yet?".

I think the best thing to do is to not ignore it when you see that darkness in someone. Yes, it is frightening and makes us confront similar feelings about ourselves, but leaving them alone in the fight is the opposite of what is needed.

My culture feel is that men are increasingly less valued by society and are told as much multiple times daily. If women are told they need to be sexy to have worth, men went from being told they needed to be risk takers, providers and courageous, visionary leaders to have the same. Now, it feels like we are being told we are the scum of the earth and the source of all the world's issues, that there is no path to dignity and worth. F--- the patriarchy, amirite?

Then there is how social interaction has totally changed. There is a decreasing frequency of real interaction, comparing of highlight reels, of receiving hyper-divisive opinion pieces meant to rile, of blame sharing, of bogeymaning... all without actual bonafide connection and interaction. I'm trying to invent a word right now for the feeling of wanting to be left totally alone while simultaneously feeling supremely lonely. It is a feeling I've felt more and more often in the past two years or so. Maybe it's just part of fatherhood and moving towards 40. Who knows... it seems a lot of my young male peers struggle with the same.

My other business partner said at his place of work, they're looking at doing mental health first aid training. Sounds interesting, but what is it more than being able to recognize signs? There just seems to be so little that any of us can actually DO about it.

Frustrating.

And I agree with the OP.

[SeeGeeWhy]

And thank you to everyone sharing their personal stories.

Very glad those of you who went to the edge and made it back are back, and are sharing the treasure you found in the dark.

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy

My culture feel is that men are increasingly less valued by society and are told as much multiple times daily. If women are told they need to be sexy to have worth, men went from being told they needed to be risk takers, providers and courageous, visionary leaders to have the same. Now, it feels like we are being told we are the scum of the earth and the source of all the world's issues, that there is no path to dignity and worth. F--- the patriarchy, amirite?

I think this needs to be more acknowledged and accepted. I'm 35 and too many men I have grown up and around are caught in a void of suspended adolescence, under / unemployment, and have no rudder or purpose in life. In a world where nothing is expected or desired of them it's only natural that many over time devolve into nihilism and then from there there isn't much of a leap needed to rationalize suicide.

I think most men are wired differently. The same kind of help provided to other demographics won't help them in the same way. They also less able to share and reach out for help. That's why semi-anonymous places like internet forums such as CP seem to be where things like this are discussed more often among the demographic. They need purpose attained through meaningful work, responsibility to someone or something, etc. The problem is culturally, society wants them to participate less in such endevours.

[Scroopy Noopers]

Getting on the right side of things isn’t the end of it either. It’s a daily battle to stay there, which is important to remember. When you lose sight of that it starts to feel like a lost cause. But you aren’t a lost cause.

[djsFlames]

It has to be more acceptable to be open with our feelings and thoughts. At home, at school, in the workplace, even on social media. Brushing things under the carpet can't continue to be the norm, particularly for men who feel they can't be as transparent due to it not upholding a "masculine" image.

Self love is the key. Treat yourself, be kind to yourself, it's a picture perfect world out there on the surface but that's misleading. We dont have to be perfect, none of us are. We don't have to have it all figured out. We never will. It's just about relaxing into the journey and finding a way to be okay and accepting of where you're at, wherever you may be. Every one brings a skill, a talent, a personality trait that this world can use more of. We all matter simply by existing and being who we are.

These struggles are becoming more prevalent everywhere sadly. I'm studying to counsel people for good reason, and I've been there. So anybody that needs someone to talk to can DM me.

[8sPOT]

I just want to say that I'm happy and proud to see so many thoughtful, vulnerable comments in this thread. We're all walking through this world together, its refreshing to see people congregate and communicate in a positive manner. Well done to you all!

[dissentowner]

I have been close many times. If you knew my true story you would understand why. My kids are the only reason I am still on this planet.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I have been close many times. If you knew my true story you would understand why. My kids are the only reason I am still on this planet.

I'm glad you've chosen to be alive, I'm certain you're kids don't need their last memory of you as someone who killed himself, harsh but regardless of some sort of demon you have fought it wouldn't matter, that would be their last memory.

If that's not enough reason to be alive do it for CP, some of us like your posts

[Philly06Cup]

Shoutout to the Calgary Distress Center. I used to work and volunteer for them; they are specially trained for these kinds of topics. They are great at listening and providing resources, including counselling. They also have an online chat portal.

403-266-HELP
https://www.distresscentre.com/

[GirlySports]

Treating yourself is the biggest tip here and celebrate small victories. Dont fret the big stuff

Volunteering is a great way to reward others and escape from the life grind. You will receive praise and appreciation which lifts you up

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by GirlySports

Treating yourself is the biggest tip here and celebrate small victories. Dont fret the big stuff

I think this thread is directed at people who are a little beyond the "dOn'T fReT tHe BiG sTuFf" type of advice (even if you meant 'small stuff').

[jmac98]

Originally Posted by Sliver

I think this thread is directed at people who are a little beyond the "dOn'T fReT tHe BiG sTuFf" type of advice (even if you meant 'small stuff').

My understanding on this thread is that it’s directed to everyone and anyone and to be utilized as each individual deems fit for themselves and/or their personal relatable experience.

There is no catch all answer to resolve everyones mental health scenario collectively, but it’s a disservice to discount the shared resources people are posting in here. There are in fact some terrific outlets available, and while they may not be the road to recovery for everyone, they’re the answer for a large population nevertheless.

[Cali Panthers Fan]

Originally Posted by SeeGeeWhy

My culture feel is that men are increasingly less valued by society and are told as much multiple times daily. If women are told they need to be sexy to have worth, men went from being told they needed to be risk takers, providers and courageous, visionary leaders to have the same. Now, it feels like we are being told we are the scum of the earth and the source of all the world's issues, that there is no path to dignity and worth. F--- the patriarchy, amirite?

Then there is how social interaction has totally changed. There is a decreasing frequency of real interaction, comparing of highlight reels, of receiving hyper-divisive opinion pieces meant to rile, of blame sharing, of bogeymaning... all without actual bonafide connection and interaction. I'm trying to invent a word right now for the feeling of wanting to be left totally alone while simultaneously feeling supremely lonely. It is a feeling I've felt more and more often in the past two years or so. Maybe it's just part of fatherhood and moving towards 40. Who knows... it seems a lot of my young male peers struggle with the same.

I just wanted to say that this is definitely how I feel a lot of the time, especially with the lack of significant connection. I'm very lucky to have the family I do, because they provide me all that connection and feeling of worth. Outside of that, I have next to none of that in my life, and I bet that there are a lot of men who feel the same way.

I have more to say on this subject of depression and suicide at a later date when I have more time.