The Jokes and Riddles Thread

[Sliver]

What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.

[Sliver]

My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends...I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

[Nufy]

You guys have anything from this century ?

[Hockey Fan #751]

Originally Posted by Nufy

You guys have anything from this century ?

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by Hockey Fan #751

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

Is Nufy your straight man?

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by Nufy

You guys have anything from this century ?

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

[Nufy]

Keep trying...

[Cecil Terwilliger]

[KTrain]

A newfie's (Nufy's) wife passed away and he called 911. The 911 operator told him that they would send someone over right away and asked him where he lived.

"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," the newfie told her. The operator asked, "Could you please spell that for me?"

After a long pause, the newfie said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

__

A newfie (Nufy) rolls into his factory job at 10:30. The floor manager comes up to him and says, "You should have been here at nine o'clock," to which the newfie responds "Why, what happened?"

__

A newfie (Nufy) walks into a lumber yard and says, "I's building an 'ouse bye' and needs me some a dat der too be far" The clerks says "You mean 2 by 4?", the newfie says "Yes bye', dat's da stuff." The clerks asks "Well how long do you need it?" The newfie responds "Well bye', I's buildin an 'ouse wit it so I's gonna need it for awhile."

[BeltlineFan]

The steadily climbing number of depression cases in North Carolina have been attributed to an increase in the overall amount of marital infidelity. It's a sad state of affairs.

[tvp2003]

What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

[The Familia]

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogey in it!

[stang]

Me laying in bed with the kids looking at the roof. “I’m not sure if our ceiling is the best ceiling...but it’s up there”

[Maritime Q-Scout]

If your nose is runny,
And you think it's funny
... it's snot!

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I present to you the funniest joke in the world, according to science:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.

"9-1-1 what's your emergency?"

"My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang.

Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[btimbit]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She tells him "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special sale for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $200, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies "Okay, why not?" He pulls out his wallet and lays $200 on the bar, and slowly says."Paint…my….house."

[JBR]

Originally Posted by Hockey Fan #751

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

I hope Kevin Bacon leads a healthy lifestyle.

[Puppet Guy]

How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

Ask them politely.

[dash_pinched]

Did you guys hear about the cross-eyed teacher who was fired by the principal because she had no control over her pupils?

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by dash_pinched

Did you guys hear about the cross-eyed teacher who was fired by the principal because she had no control over her pupils?

Don't arm this teacher.