‘I regret having children’

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by Mass_nerder

I started my education later, so I'm working on a masters degree at 32, with a few years to go. My fiance and I go back and forth on wanting kids, but by the time I'm done school, I feel like we might be too old to start (34 & 35).

If we don't, I'm sure I'll have some regret, but we'll still enjoy our less complicated life together.

As someone who is a child of older parents I'm going to say don't do it. The time has passed. My dad was 36 when my parents had me. He did not live to see me turn 40. Having children later in life robs them of your presence at what would be milestone moments later in life.

[OMG!WTF!]

I wonder if the way you are raised has anything to do with your desire to have kids. And even though I don't have any I can not for the life of me understand dead beat parents. I've known a couple dads who have very little to do with their kids and it upsets me greatly. If they were mine I'd be all over it.

[Cube Inmate]

Originally Posted by Reaper

As someone who is a child of older parents I'm going to say don't do it. The time has passed. My dad was 36 when my parents had me. He did not live to see me turn 40. Having children later in life robs them of your presence at what would be milestone moments later in life.

My dad was 37 when I came around and, while he hasn't lived to see me turn 40 yet, he has delivered on 100% of his fatherly duties. If he dies tomorrow, I certainly won't consider myself to have been deprived of anything. It's unfortunate you feel you were robbed by your dad's early death, but to imply that 36 is too old is a bit rigid.

[Huntingwhale]

Originally Posted by The Familia

Just curious, why did they go on to have three children then? I'm pretty sure you know full what you have gotten into after the first. It doesn't get easier with more children, it gets harder.

3rd one was an accident. But she thought that having kids would make her feel fulfilled and accomplished at some point. Almost like things would eventually come together and make it worthwhile. But I guess the opposite happened. She's a great mom, make no mistake. But she said she's always thinking 'what if' or 'what could have been'. Can't go out with her friends that often, so her social life took a dive. Can't go on any dream vacation, so it's only local places she takes them. Just other fun things that other people can do that help contribute to a positive life, she can't do.

Didn't help that things didn't work out with her husband and they are now seperated and apparently he's a small contributor in the kids' life. But even then, when she was young she dreamed of the family life. But as she got older and matured, she eventually realized it wasn't what she thought it would be and she feels stuck now.

I'm 33 and don't have kids. Eventually I do want them. But I'm also glad I don't right now because I'm at the point where I make enough money that I can do the things that I want, that I know I won't be able to do when I have kids. When I was younger I always wanted to be a younger parent like my parents were. But as time has gone on, the best thing I ever did in life was living for myself and putting parenthood on the backburner for now.

I also think it's different for men then it is women. Men can jump into parenthood at older ages. But women are made to feel that they have a biological clock that is ticking and they have to have kids before they physically can't anymore.

[corporatejay]

Originally Posted by Reaper

As someone who is a child of older parents I'm going to say don't do it. The time has passed. My dad was 36 when my parents had me. He did not live to see me turn 40. Having children later in life robs them of your presence at what would be milestone moments later in life.

My dad had me at 25. He died when I was 25. #### happens dude, have kids when you are ready and mature enough. People on this board who know me IRL know how great my father was in the short time we had. If someone really wants kids later in life and is committed don't deprive a child of great years with a parent because "they might die before you're 40".

[Sylvanfan]

Originally Posted by Cube Inmate

My dad was 37 when I came around and, while he hasn't lived to see me turn 40 yet, he has delivered on 100% of his fatherly duties. If he dies tomorrow, I certainly won't consider myself to have been deprived of anything. It's unfortunate you feel you were robbed by your dad's early death, but to imply that 36 is too old is a bit rigid.

I had my kids when I was 33 and 39. I'm the oldest child in my family and my Dad was 37 when I was born and his father before him was 40. My Dad conked out when he was 67 and I don't think I was robbed of anything. Unfortunately it was a month prior to my brother's wedding.

We can't predict life. I'm just as likely to die driving home tonight, as my father was when he had his heart attack. Even though old man me doesn't drive as recklessly as young man me did.

At times I do find I wish I had more energy to keep up with my kids...than again being old doesn't mean I had to become a fat lazy slob like I did either. At my age, I'm fine not going out for drinks, and having less of a social life, not having fancy new vehicles. When I was younger...that may have bothered me more.

I don't regret having kids today...maybe I will in 5 years, it's likely 30 year old me with a 7 year old would have.

[snootchiebootchies]

I must admit I never thought about whether I regretted having kids until I read this thread. I had kids pretty late in life (was nearly 42 when I had my first) so I had no misconceptions about how hard parenting was in this era where parents have to schedule and organize all of the kids' activities instead of letting them freely roam in the neighbourhood like I did when I was young. I saw how hard it was on my friends and family who had kids. So my eyes were wide open. There was a long stretch in my life though when I was pretty certain I would never become a dad and had made my peace with it. We were told our odds of conceiving a child were negligible to nil. And then my wife got pregnant and when my daughter was born, tears flooded my eyes because I thought for so long it would never happen. And then we had our son a little over a year later. So no regrets. I still call them our little miracles.

[JohnnyB]

Originally Posted by Reaper

As someone who is a child of older parents I'm going to say don't do it. The time has passed. My dad was 36 when my parents had me. He did not live to see me turn 40. Having children later in life robs them of your presence at what would be milestone moments later in life.

What has been the life expectancy for previous generations and what will be the life expectancy by the time someone in their thirties now is reaching old age?

Really, living to see your kids turn 40 is pretty strange in the context of even the past few hundred years. Most of our history would have featured not living to see your parents turn 40, but by the time someone who is currently in their thirties now is reaching old age the life expectancy may have gone way up again.

[Cali Panthers Fan]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

Another factor at work in making parenting stressful today is the lack of support from extended family, friends, and neighbours. Parents today often live away from their own parents and siblings, and don't have close friends nearby or neighbours they can rely on.

We're fortunate that both sets of parents live in town, and we have a network of close, longtime friends with kids the same age. Without those supports to help with child care, do activities with, etc. being a parent would be a lot tougher.

This.

We moved to Florida specifically to be near my wife's family, and there are a lot of them here.

I can't tell you how valuable it is when you're losing your mind to be able to drive 15-20 minutes, hand off the kids and just say, "here, take them for a few hours. We need a mental health break."

We even have the ability to leave them with the grandparents for about a week a couple times a year and have a purely adult vacation. It makes a HUGE difference in the quality of our lives, and it helps us to recharge our parenting batteries when they're running low.

My children are a LOT of work, but they give me more joy than just about anything else in this world. I'm fascinated by how they see things and the way they develop. I honestly am excited to watch them go through life and see what comes their way. It's like the best movie I've ever seen.

Oh wait, there was a movie like that. It was called Boyhood.

[annasuave]

When I was a teenager, my mom sat me and my older sister down and told us about the time when her mom sat her and her sister down and told her "I love you both, but I knew then what I know now, neither of you would ever have been born". My mom echoed that sentiment to us. Althogh she wouldn't trade either of us for anything, she said that if she had it all to do over again, she wouldn't. Six years later, my older sister had a baby. She told me that while she would cheerfully rip out the beating heart of anyone who tried to harm a single hair on her son's head, she would not have made the same choice if she had it to do over again.

Me, I listened to the advice of my grandma, my mom and my older sister. Sure, sometimes I wonder what might have been if I'd had kids. But then again, my handbag is free from baby vomit and has nothing but disposable income in it.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by corporatejay

My dad had me at 25. He died when I was 25. #### happens dude, have kids when you are ready and mature enough. People on this board who know me IRL know how great my father was in the short time we had. If someone really wants kids later in life and is committed don't deprive a child of great years with a parent because "they might die before you're 40".

A child that doesn't even exist cannot be deprived.

[FireGilbert]

Great points about how having a support network really helps. We have no family and only a few friends here with the closest relatives being 1,000km away and my family being 13,000km away. We are coping but things are so much easier when family is in town to help out and give us a break. It has gotten to the point where I am strongly considering a move even though it would likely hurt my career.

[GGG]

Originally Posted by Reaper

A child that doesn't even exist cannot be deprived.

Are you saying you would prefer not to exist?

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

And I think we need to recognize that this dramatic ramping up of parental duties, this quasi-competitive approach to parenting, was put in place mainly by mothers. There's a reason mommy blogs are way more of a thing than daddy blogs. It's moms who turned child-rearing into a kind of aspirational vocation. And if we're going to ease off the pedal on hyper-parenting, it's moms who will have to take the lead.

Totally agree. Whenever I see a feminist article complaining about the disproportionate amount of 'emotional labor' that is borne by women regarding child rearing I can't help but think that a vast quantity of it is generated by trying to live up to the ridiculous expectations put on by the mothers themselves. The personal motivations behind the 'mommy wars' that we see played out online and in practice aren't actually about the children, their well-being, or about their ideal upbringing. They are totally about the self-esteem, and personal edification of the participant mothers.

[DownhillGoat]

Originally Posted by GGG

Are you saying you would prefer not to exist?

It's not like he'd know if he didn't exist.

[annasuave]

Originally Posted by GGG

Are you saying you would prefer not to exist?

Nah. That's just a run of the mill straw man logical fallacy.

[Enoch Root]

Originally Posted by annasuave

When I was a teenager, my mom sat me and my older sister down and told us about the time when her mom sat her and her sister down and told her "I love you both, but I knew then what I know now, neither of you would ever have been born". My mom echoed that sentiment to us. Althogh she wouldn't trade either of us for anything, she said that if she had it all to do over again, she wouldn't. Six years later, my older sister had a baby. She told me that while she would cheerfully rip out the beating heart of anyone who tried to harm a single hair on her son's head, she would not have made the same choice if she had it to do over again.

Me, I listened to the advice of my grandma, my mom and my older sister. Sure, sometimes I wonder what might have been if I'd had kids. But then again, my handbag is free from baby vomit and has nothing but disposable income in it.

I'm sure your handbag loves you very much.

[annasuave]

Originally Posted by Enoch Root

I'm sure your handbag loves you very much.

Perhaps you've heard of a television show called The Simpsons?

[Enoch Root]

Originally Posted by annasuave

Perhaps you've heard of a television show called The Simpsons?

Can you narrow down your rebuttal a bit?

[V]

Whenever these threads come up I'm always amazed at how effective they must be at keeping child free people child free.

Maybe we just got lucky with 4 incredible kids that are so much better than all of your kids. More likely, it doesn't really have to be as hard as you all say it is. Sure, it has its moments of difficulty, but you all make it sound like a lifetime sentence of servitude and misery. Brother.

-Note- My comments except any single parents. I truly have no idea how single parents make it work.