Life Question

[Minnie]

Originally Posted by T-Dog

How would you feel if died and his widow later told you that he really wanted to set things right with you and you didn't even respond to him?

I'd think he was still a dick. He knows he's dying and he STILL can't even be straight with someone he may or may not be coming to ask forgiveness from/make things right with? Come on, what a guilt trip. If those are his intention/were his intentions, grow a damn pair and straight up say so. If you're dying, you don't have time to slither around this sort of thing - be upfront with it.

[Dion]

You sometimes see interviews after a muder trial where the family or loved one forgives the person who comitted the murder. They are not forgiving the killer for his actions but instead letting go of any hate, anger and grudges they may have had against the person.

Forgiveness allows the person/s to move on.

[topfiverecords]

Originally Posted by Reaper

Yes, that's what we're telling you.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by rotten42

You can't say that. You aren't him. You may react to this sort of thing entirely different than he does. Just because you feel remorse for not reconnecting it doesn't mean everybody would feel the same way. Some people need to check those boxes off (for whatever the reason) and some people are perfectly good walking away from who have harmed them and not feeling a pinch of remorse.

I don't know which way OP is going to go but either way I wouldn't guarantee it. That is purely you projecting your reaction on him.

Yes he can. Pylon is saying that we should put aside our own personal feelings and do something that is unselfish.

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Only one person can lay this episode to rest, and that's the guy that owes OP $7k.

Bollocks, how he deals with his conscience is his concern, how I deal with mine is mine, you tell him to go pound salt you get to spend the rest of your life wondering, probably regretting that you held onto a grudge over a few grand, the moneys irrelevant, your clear conscience when you have a few weeks to live is worth more than that, if you have it in you to be the better man that is always what you should do, that's why we call it 'being the better man'.

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by Minnie

I'd think he was still a dick. He knows he's dying and he STILL can't even be straight with someone he may or may not be coming to ask forgiveness from/make things right with? Come on, what a guilt trip. If those are his intention/were his intentions, grow a damn pair and straight up say so. If you're dying, you don't have time to slither around this sort of thing - be upfront with it.

Of course he's a dick, this is the best he can do because he's a dick.

the question isn't about him, its about who are you? are you a dick?

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Reaper

Your former friend is attempting to hold you hostage using his cancer as the gun he points at you. Personally, I'd pass on my condolences on his diagnosis but I'm not sure I'd be willing to emotionally exhaust myself so a former friend could feel better about themselves over a crappy thing that they did.

It's only a hostage situation if you choose to see it that way. Anger, grudes and such are wasted emtions that only hurt the person who has it. It doesn't hurt the person and your personal feelings won't have much effect on his dying.

A person could do the unselfish thing and help this person pass on. He may not thank you or even care but that's not what this is about. It's about doing what's right and the peace you will feel when it's all over.

[GordonBlue]

Originally Posted by Dion

It's only a hostage situation if you choose to see it that way. Anger, grudes and such are wasted emtions that only hurt the person who has it. It doesn't hurt the person and your personal feelings won't have much effect on his dying.

A person could do the unselfish thing and help this person pass on. He may not thank you or even care but that's not what this is about. It's about doing what's right and the peace you will feel when it's all over.

so he has to pretend to be this guys friend until he dies?
who says that's the right thing to do and that he'll feel peace when it's over?

maybe the right thing to do is let the past be the past, wish the guy luck in his cancer battle and carry on with life. maybe the OP will feel at peace doing that.
the OP can forgive without playing out the charade of being friends to a dying man.
it's not fair to the OP, you guys wanting him to do something he likely doesn't have a need to do, and to tell him he'll feel guilty and not be at peace until he does.

the right thing to do is what the OP decides to do. not what any of us, me included, thinks he should do.

[flamesfever]

I think it's a matter of doing the right thing. Probably most would agree that you should stop holding a grudge, and exercise forgiveness.

I also think it may be helpful to try and focus on the things that made you "very good friends" in the past.

[Wormius]

I think I would just start off friendly and see where it goes from there.

It could be a couple of things - he feels guilty wants to set things right; or he going through estate planning and wants to see if you're going to press this later on.

[troutman]

I think we need a poll.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by Dion

It's only a hostage situation if you choose to see it that way.

No, its only a hostage situation if you allow them to exercise their ability to guilt trip you based on the fact that he's dying. By not falling for it you don't give them power.

Originally Posted by Dion

Anger, grudges and such are wasted emotions that only hurt the person who has it. It doesn't hurt the person and your personal feelings won't have much effect on his dying.

Thanks, I only posted about that very sentiment early on in the thread. Its possible to not want to associate with someone and have anger play no part in the decision. Some people do have that ability.

Originally Posted by Dion

A person could do the unselfish thing and help this person pass on. He may not thank you or even care but that's not what this is about. It's about doing what's right and the peace you will feel when it's all over.

Or perhaps his former friend could not be selfish and attempt to get his house in order while doing what he needs to do to set things right. I think its a jerk move by his former friend to reach out that way if his first sentiment isn't "I'm sorry" then he's just trying to assuage his own guilt. Maybe you think that the fact that he has cancer is a pass but I don't. Jerks are jerks even if they are dying.

I'm not saying to put the former friend on blast but it is okay to not reconcile and put your own well being ahead of his. You can forgive but you don't have to forget. They haven't been friends for 15 years. He owes him nothing but a courteous "Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope things go as well as they can for you."

[Minnie]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

Of course he's a dick, this is the best he can do because he's a dick.

the question isn't about him, its about who are you? are you a dick?

Apparently so, since I have a different opinion and wouldn't likely do anything other than tell him I'm sorry to hear of his situation and do nothing more, especially if said person appears to be staying true to form as he'd been in the past. I'll be ordering a t-shirt to wear.

Why is it only considered doing the right thing if you "forgive him" and "don't hold a grudge?" That's total nonsense. It sounds very much like "your brand of xianity isnt as right as mine." It's quite possible to recognize that the other person did you wrong, and not want to continue a relationship of any sort, no matter the circumstances and just continue on with life as you currently know it. I've done it. I'm still doing it.

I don't speak to my mother because she's a highly manipulative, incredibly abusive woman who can't and won't see past the end of her own nose to recognize her actions are what has driven ALL of her children to either cut her out of their lives altogether or have only very limited contact. I don't sit around all day thinking about all the ways she tried to completely ruin my life - I don't give that power to her or the memory of what she's done. I don't allow that to run my life. I've removed the issue and frankly, our lives are 100% the better for it. She is rarely mentioned and rarely thought of, beyond discussions like this, and very very occasionally she comes up in the topic of the incredibly few decent memories I have of her and it's discussed calmly. I don't hold onto the anger because it's pointless but neither do I offer her forgiveness or a place at the table of my life. She is toxic and her presence does more harm than her absence because she is unable to change or unwilling to do so. When I say she is toxic and abusive, it doesn't come from anger but from recognition and simply stating that's who she is, much like I'd also say she has white hair and green eyes.

If she was dying, I would not respond. She's had since 2002 to make changes and she won't. I would not feel bad for not responding. I would not feel bad or feel regret for not going to her funeral. I know she wont change - thats simply recognition of that fact and the subsequent acknowledgment, not anger or a grudge. She is a stranger to me now, but were I to allow her a place in my life, my life would be the worse for it. I owe it to my sanity and health and to my own family, to be a person without this woman in my life - I am stronger, healthier and a better person for it. If she was dying, that's too bad and I'd say it's unfortunate she's dying because I know there are still a few people who love her and will be sad - but I'm not one and at the end of it all, she'd be dead and I'd be trying to regain my sanity and be worse off. No, thank you. I choose my mental health over her final act as the travel agent of all guilt trips.

[Northendzone]

I think that in this case you can be indifferent to the friend and not hold a grudge.

[nik-]

There is some bogus hippie #### in this thread. He hasn't interacted with the guy for more than 15 years but now he needs to forgive the guy in order to move on?

He has moved on. Personally I wouldn't even reach out.

[DeluxeMoustache]

I would consider expressing sympathy and encouraging the guy to make the most of the time he has with his family, the people he loves, and wishing him well.

(Unless OP wants to start to rebuild a friendship and put time in to it).

I think there is a place for genuine well wishes without teaching a lesson (how will that make you feel?) or investing any more time moving forward than you really want.

[Oling_Roachinen]

Also the OP needs to be prepared for the ex-friend not to die. I mean, outlook not so good doesn't always equal death.

Imagine how stupid you'd look if you forgave him thinking he was going to kick the bucket only to have him outlive you.

[DeluxeMoustache]

^ good point

Just to see where he's at, maybe start a go fund me page on his behalf.

Something like "I have this guy who used to be my buddy that I stiffed, and now I don't know how much time I have left. I don't want to leave anyone holding the bag. Wanna chip in?"

Note: kidding

[GGG]

Originally Posted by nik-

There is some bogus hippie #### in this thread. He hasn't interacted with the guy for more than 15 years but now he needs to forgive the guy in order to move on?

He has moved on. Personally I wouldn't even reach out.

He posted in this thread so obviously has not completely moved on. If he had moved on he would have deleted the message.

In general the advice has been do what's best for you which I think is correct.

[pylon]

I find the responses in this thread quite shocking to be honest, especially for a website that is notoriously left leaning.

$7000 dollars 20 years ago. 20 frikking years ago.

The amount people can change in 20 years is mind boggling. I certainly hope I'm not held to and judged on decisions I made in 1997. Jeebus. I was a walking train wreck. People change. Their ideas change. Their level of empathy changes. You don't know where this guy is at in life now, or what changes he's made. For all you know this guy is setting up dialogue so he can have a face to face and apologize. Maybe he doesn't think it's appropriate on Facebook.

Some of the pettiness I have witnessed in this thread is pretty disgusting to be honest.

Even if this guy feels no guilt or remorse, there's still a saying. "Be the bigger man." In this thread I see a lot of small, petty people. The only harm that can be done by forgiving this guy, is to send him to the grave with one less ounce of guilt for something he did 20 years ago. CP response "Nope, let the f'er go to his grave regretting crashing a Seadoo. He f'ing deserves it, that POS!!!!! Rot in hell sucka!"

Do what you want OP, it's your life. But I certainly hope you have your ducks in a row when the old man death is knocking on your door, and people don't hold every mistake you ever made against you. Because that would be a pretty crappy way to go.

Gross.