Wedding Etiquette

[OutOfTheCube]

Originally Posted by VladtheImpaler

$100 per person or $150 per couple if it's just a random wedding. If it's close friends/close family, give more. Whoever said $50 is cheap and will be branded accordingly when the couple opens your gift.

Haha, well, if my so-called friends brand me cheap because my gift is not up to their standards, I will call it a $50 lesson in not having fake phony friends.

[Locke]

I cant comment too much, but I'll throw this out there:

I went to a wedding last year and the Maid of Honour was the Bride's younger sister, after the Maid of Honour's speech, her boyfriend proposed. At the reception. In front of everyone.

So yeah, thats a thing that happened. In terms of etiquette: Dont do that. Ever.

[DoubleF]

Losing a friend or starting drama over $100 ish on a wedding gift is stupid.

Also, having a $100 ish average per head expectation is different to expecting everyone giving $100+. My wife and I also resolved that we'd "return the favor" somehow for friends that traveled AND gave monetary/other gifts. We had no $0 givers, but those that were low amounts we felt were justified. A few random cheques we frowned for only a moment as we felt the individual could have perhaps at least hit the $100 mark due to the embarrassing crap they were pulling at our wedding (Drama fun stuffs). But we're seriously talking $25 buck differences etc.


Random tip, ask attendees to write legal "real" names on the cheques. We ran into an issue where my wife had not yet changed her last name (and wasn't intending to change it legally immediately to reduce the random things that needed to be done), but attendees wrote my last name on it as perhaps a joke. Luckily, my 'proper' name was on it too and we were able to bypass some stupid over the top verification protocol by using my name and depositing it into a joint account vs having to go back and requesting a new cheque. It was only for about $150 ish in cheques that this occurred. Took an extra hour to resolve for what usually is a 5 minute bank visit.

IIRC, we even shredded a few cheques from friends because we felt their overall contribution to the day and other gifts received were more than generous that an additional cash gift wasn't necessary.

I also forget what the amount and time limit is, but my wife and I also split the cash deposits to avoid the whatever money laundering forms etc. we potentially would have to fill in for cash deposits. IIRC I believe the bank advised us to do this. We were only over by a few hundred over the threshold over the amount we hoped to deposit.


I guess a huge part of it is attitude/self fulfilling prophecy. If you run the day and time afterwards happily, it will be happy. If you're sour, dour and frumpy, it will affect how your remember the whole ordeal as well.

Oh... and the wedding was a blur. It's literally sensation overload. Get lots of pics, videos etc. to show the bride and groom afterwards. They'll miss a lot of it staring into each other's eyes (I know from experience).

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by Locke

I cant comment too much, but I'll throw this out there:

I went to a wedding last year and the Maid of Honour was the Bride's younger sister, after the Maid of Honour's speech, her boyfriend proposed. At the reception. In front of everyone.

So yeah, thats a thing that happened. In terms of etiquette: Dont do that. Ever.

He deserved her saying no, for that one.

[Looch City]

Originally Posted by Locke

I cant comment too much, but I'll throw this out there:

I went to a wedding last year and the Maid of Honour was the Bride's younger sister, after the Maid of Honour's speech, her boyfriend proposed. At the reception. In front of everyone.

So yeah, thats a thing that happened. In terms of etiquette: Dont do that. Ever.

Don't stop there, what happened after??

[Roughneck]

Originally Posted by Locke

I cant comment too much, but I'll throw this out there:

I went to a wedding last year and the Maid of Honour was the Bride's younger sister, after the Maid of Honour's speech, her boyfriend proposed. At the reception. In front of everyone.

So yeah, thats a thing that happened. In terms of etiquette: Dont do that. Ever.

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

[GGG]

Spend half as much as you plan to right now. Cheap out on everything. Get people you want to be there to be there. The amount that was spent has zero to do with the enjoyment of people.

I give $100 for a gift for me and my wife.

[GP_Matt]

The only dollar amounts that I recall from my wedding (ten years ago) was opening up an envelope from my brother and seeing some twenties and a five. I cracked up almost instantly at something that no one else understood. He gave me $105. He clearly discussed with my other brother how much to provide and then upped it by five to give the better gift.

Otherwise, we were thankful for all the gifts but certainly didn't notice if anyone gave "less than appropriate".

[malcolmk14]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

Hello CP. I don't have any immediate concerns but as I've now reached the age that my friends are getting married and even I may someday tie the knot, I'd like to get some advice on wedding etiquette. I've had some friends ask me and I have no idea what the standard is nowadays, or ever for that matter.

1) Gifts. I only give cash but the question is how much? G/f and I are attending the wedding of a friend of hers. They are reasonably close but not so close that she's a bridesmaid. I figure we should each give $100 each. Enough to cover our meals plus a little extra.

My girlfriend and I usually give $200. At my sister's wedding last summer, we gave $400. Even if we travel for the wedding, $200 is standard. We are getting a little vacation out of it after all.

2) Who pays for what? No one seems to know who is on the hook for things. Do the groomsmen pay for their own suits? What about bridesmaids and their dresses? Tux rentals? Buy suits for keeps? Pay a portion?

I've been a groomsman three times, and not once has the groom offered to pay for my tux/suit. I've rented on my own dime all three times and I don't begrudge any of my friends for that. One time the groom bought matching cufflinks and ties for the groomsmen, and one time the groom got us all matching socks. I'll probably pay for rentals when it comes time to ask friends to stand up for me; I wouldn't want them to be out of pocket for something I asked them to do.

3) Who does what? One of my lady friends says that bridesmaids are supposed to do a bunch of work for the wedding. Is that normal? Does the bride normally use the bridesmaids as her personal assistants for 6 months before the wedding? I was a groomsman and I had very few responsibilities. Maybe it is a man/woman thing.

My only responsibilities as a groomsman have been to show up, try to make the groom have an awesome day, not make a fool of myself, and make the groom look good. When my girlfriend has been a bridesmaid, she has been significantly more busy leading up to the wedding than me.

4) More gifts. Is it normal for the bride/groom to buy gifts for the bridesmaids/groomsmen?

I've received small gifts for being a groomsman, like socks and a tie/cufflinks as mentioned above.

[Weitz]

I was a groomsman for a friend and we had to order these custom suits for about $500 each.

At first I was quite upset, but then he actually sat down with all of us, we all came to a conclusion of something that we all liked and then there was a little bit of customization that we got to do (inside colors etc) and we were all really happy and I still wear the suit all the time.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by malcolmk14

I've been a groomsman three times, and not once has the groom offered to pay for my tux/suit. I've rented on my own dime all three times and I don't begrudge any of my friends for that. One time the groom bought matching cufflinks and ties for the groomsmen, and one time the groom got us all matching socks. I'll probably pay for rentals when it comes time to ask friends to stand up for me; I wouldn't want them to be out of pocket for something I asked them to do.

I agree with this. I don't think people should be out of pocket any amount for your wedding. My wife and I eloped (married at Chateau Lake Louise). We brought a few friends and we paid for everything, including their hotel room.

If you're asking for friends to chip in for your wedding, you're obviously having a wedding you can't afford and should pare things back.

[undercoverbrother]

My father in law, wanted a free bar. Our friends were (well still are) pissheads. He said that is how he wanted it and was willing to pay. I let him.


During the reception, a couple of buddy's decided to pass the hat around to cover the bar.

They gave it to use the next day.

My father in law broken even.

[rohara66]

Instead of dealing with a gift for the groomsmen and having them cover their cost for a tux rental I've seen the groom pay for all or some of the costs of a custom suit jacket and pants. Win-win. Everyone matches and everyone gets a new suit out of the event.

If you don't want to do that find another way to skip the whole tux rental, they ALWAYS fit like ####. Baggy ass pants and jackets are the worst.

[rohara66]

Originally Posted by DoubleF

... We had no $0 givers, but those that were low amounts we felt were justified. A few random cheques we frowned for only a moment as we felt the individual could have perhaps at least hit the $100 mark due to the embarrassing crap they were pulling at our wedding (Drama fun stuffs). But we're seriously talking $25 buck differences etc.

Not to pick on you but you were just the last person to comment on it, I've heard others (friends and coworkers) say similar stuff about hoping people hit the $100 mark to 'cover their costs'. If people want to run their reception that way why not tell people no gifts but $100 cover charge to get in the door. Seriously.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by rohara66

Not to pick on you but you were just the last person to comment on it, I've heard others (friends and coworkers) say similar stuff about hoping people hit the $100 mark to 'cover their costs'. If people want to run their reception that way why not tell people no gifts but $100 cover charge to get in the door. Seriously.

I think it is because of a shift in mentality on weddings. I've found that in many cultures that throw the most lavish and expensive weddings, traditional asians and east indians come to mind amongst my friends, they also receive the most gifts. Very often the gift at a wedding is meant to represent a way for that new couple to get a bit of a headstart in the world. They are also the ones who, in my experience, have their parents pay for most of the wedding meaning that the couple gets most of the benefit of the gifts.

We have now shifted to "please god just help us break even" because most parents either can't afford (probably due to their own debt situation) or culturally don't think it is necessary to pay for their kids weddings. Years ago parents would be reasonably well off when their kids got married and could afford to set aside extra money to help with that wedding.

Now the kids pay for it themselves, not to mention the keeping up with the joneses mentality even when they can't afford it, and instead of hoping for a nice headstart on married life, they are simply trying not to go further into debt. So yeah, I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping to get back what the guest cost.

Naturally, if they didn't invite these zero givers then they'd probably be gossiped about behind their backs for being cheapskates. It really is a no win scenario.

However unlikely, I'm going to continue to drop subtle hints to my g/f about how I envy people that elope. Weddings sound like they are a giant time consuming money pit.

[undercoverbrother]

nope

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by undercoverbrother

It might be beneficial to tell her outright. It sets the tone and standard of communication in the relationship.

lol thanks Dr Phil.

[undercoverbrother]

nope

[Cecil Terwilliger]

haha that's so internet.

"hey let's give condescending relationship advice to a total stranger about whom I have absolutely no information, but I'm 100% sure I know better than him and it is my internet duty to save his obviously doomed relationship."

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

haha that's so internet.

"hey let's give condescending relationship advice to a total stranger about whom I have absolutely no information, but I'm 100% sure I know better than him and it is my internet duty to save his obviously doomed relationship."

You now what you are correct.

Do as you wish.