Let's talk about "spark" when it comes to new relationships

[smoothpops]

Originally Posted by Slava

Wait a second. Is this one of those books where any guy can date any girl he wants if he just acts a certain way?

Not even a little bit. Some people take it as that because of the title. It's for guys that are nice and the habits we formed in relating to people, dates, wives, bosses, etc.... Great read. 155 pages. Changed me for the better

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by Since1984

Maybe your first issue is referring to three dates as a "relationship". It seems to me that at 33 you should be able to differentiate between having fun, hanging out, dating and being in an actual relationship. I was blown away you had her birthday "on your calendar" and was planning to take her out that day too as if she would drop everything for someone she has only been out with 3 times.

Anyways

Take a step back from finding a relationship and figure out how to date and have fun first. You yourself said you have been out of the dating world for 9 years...find yourself before finding an actual woman to settle down with.

If it is true you are being pressured by your parents to find someone and settle down, tell them to fly a kite! I understand you may hay been raised in a different culture or background but why sacrifice who you are to end up settling for someone to make your parents happy?

/rant

The birthday thing, I usually always put in my calendar because to me remembering a persons special day is very important. Even if I didnt take her out, I would have at least remembered to wish her a happy birthday. Most girls (or maybe just about all) Ive dated in the past and known would get pissed if you dont remember basic stuff like their birthday. So ever since, Ive always made it a habit of putting them into my calendar.

Im going to try to find some free or low cost classes around the city or hobby groups to join to meet new people. Will attend them with no intention what so ever meeting girls, but just to meet new people. Funny how things usually work, you more often than not will find someone compatible when you arent looking and least expect it.

I might try tinker, I will see. But all I know is, I am beyond done with online dating. eharmony, lavalife, POF, okcupid, Ive tried them all and its been nothing but a huge waste of time and money for me. Im just no longer a fan of the online dating scenario and general setup. I need to change things up and start meeting people more in person as opposed to online first. Ive even tried speed dating (the most recent being last month) and all 3 times were a huge waste of time and money. Interesting concept, was different (hence why I tried it), cause you never know until you try right? Id never do it again.

With Christmas coming up and me having a good length of time off work and the family away, I will have to make a plan on how im going to go about meeting new people during my time off. Right now that is my first goal to nail down and then go from there.

Im not getting any pressure at all from my parents or family.

[Since1984]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

The birthday thing, I usually always put in my calendar because to me remembering a persons special day is very important. Even if I didnt take her out, I would have at least remembered to wish her a happy birthday. Most girls (or maybe just about all) Ive dated in the past and known would get pissed if you dont remember basic stuff like their birthday. So ever since, Ive always made it a habit of putting them into my calendar.

Im going to try to find some free or low cost classes around the city or hobby groups to join to meet new people. Will attend them with no intention what so ever meeting girls, but just to meet new people. Funny how things usually work, you more often than not will find someone compatible when you arent looking and least expect it.

I might try tinker, I will see. But all I know is, I am beyond done with online dating. eharmony, lavalife, POF, okcupid, Ive tried them all and its been nothing but a huge waste of time and money for me. Im just no longer a fan of the online dating scenario and general setup. I need to change things up and start meeting people more in person as opposed to online first. Ive even tried speed dating (the most recent being last month) and all 3 times were a huge waste of time and money. Interesting concept, was different (hence why I tried it), cause you never know until you try right? Id never do it again.

Im not getting any pressure at all from my parents or family.

Well good luck either way buddy! Stop looking and the best thing in your life will fall in to your lap

[MrMastodonFarm]

I can't believe you're 33. You've got a real late teens/early 20s view on dating.

You can still wish her a happy birthday.

[HelloHockeyFans]

You'll have a pretty good idea on your first "date" if you like the person or not and whether they like you or not. Anytime anyone gives you an explanation as to why it "might" not be what they are looking for, they really mean to say it's not what they're looking for.

Were you always available when you first started talking to her? In the future, don't be. This means, delayed responses, unable to make suggested dates due to prior commitments, etc. Some will say don't play games, but you don't want to make yourself the guaranteed option, because that's what you'll become - the option.

Obviously, this is just during the initial stages. Don't mess around once it's clear how the other person feels 'cause then you'll just push / drive them away.

When someone is truly into you, you'll know. If you have to sit and analyze think through things that happened / didn't happen, know that it's not going to happen.

[HelloHockeyFans]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

I need to stop being so naive at times and stop giving girls an automatic benefit of the doubt.

Maybe re-think this part. Give them the benefit of the doubt - they deserve it. Just be smart enough to see a spade for a spade and make the right decision when it's in front of your face instead of trying to convince yourself otherwise.

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by Since1984

Well good luck either way buddy! Stop looking and the best thing in your life will fall in to your lap

Thanks.

Originally Posted by MrMastodonFarm

I can't believe you're 33. You've got a real late teens/early 20s view on dating.

You can still wish her a happy birthday.

Well like I said, Ive been out of the dating scene for over 9 years so it doesnt feel like familiar territory to me anymore.

Wishing her a happy birthday would be a terrible idea.

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

You'll have a pretty good idea on your first "date" if you like the person or not and whether they like you or not. Anytime anyone gives you an explanation as to why it "might" not be what they are looking for, they really mean to say it's not what they're looking for.

Were you always available when you first started talking to her? In the future, don't be. This means, delayed responses, unable to make suggested dates due to prior commitments, etc. Some will say don't play games, but you don't want to make yourself the guaranteed option, because that's what you'll become - the option.

Obviously, this is just during the initial stages. Don't mess around once it's clear how the other person feels 'cause then you'll just push / drive them away.

When someone is truly into you, you'll know. If you have to sit and analyze think through things that happened / didn't happen, know that it's not going to happen.

In the initial stages, I didnt make myself too available, but I didnt intentionally delay responses either cause Im not into games. I guess the principle of it just felt so wrong to me especially when its to a person you are interested in. She DEFINITELY did delayed responses many many times. As much as I dont want to do this, I might have to start doing it.

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

Maybe re-think this part. Give them the benefit of the doubt - they deserve it. Just be smart enough to see a spade for a spade and make the right decision when it's in front of your face instead of trying to convince yourself otherwise.

I know what you mean, but easier said than done for me when Ive been out of the dating scene for so long. Im so used to being in a relationship that I havent had to date and read verbal signals and slow down to think twice about what the sender really means by it. I do believe this is something that I need to start doing ASAP.

[vegasbound]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

I might try tinker, I will see. But all I know is, I am beyond done with online dating. eharmony, lavalife, POF, okcupid, Ive tried them all and its been nothing but a huge waste of time and money for me. Im just no longer a fan of the online dating scenario and general setup. I need to change things up and start meeting people more in person as opposed to online first. Ive even tried speed dating (the most recent being last month) and all 3 times were a huge waste of time and money. Interesting concept, was different (hence why I tried it), cause you never know until you try right? Id never do it again.

If you're thinking about trying Tinder.... don't. I love Tinder, don't get me wrong as a young 20 something year old girl but it's a hookup app. I have casually dated a couple guys off of there and I'm currently, sort of, seeing someone I met off of Tinder that might turn into something more but it's online dating. Tinder is not for serious relationships. At all.

[T@T]

R=sc 2

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by vegasbound

If you're thinking about trying Tinder.... don't. I love Tinder, don't get me wrong as a young 20 something year old girl but it's a hookup app. I have casually dated a couple guys off of there and I'm currently, sort of, seeing someone I met off of Tinder that might turn into something more but it's online dating. Tinder is not for serious relationships. At all.

Okay thanks, I wont bother with Tinder. Can you recommend any other dating networks for serious relationships?

Honestly, Ive even been considering a phone dating service like Quest or the Grapevine. Yes it bothers me that you dont get to see what the person looks like prior to talking (if anything it would bother me more knowing Im paying for the service), but like I said I need to change things up.

And I know as crazy as this sounds, but Ive even (on many occasions) browsed Kijiji for hobby/interest groups. Obviously havent had any luck yet. Calgary is such a big city, but so little time to explore the people living in it.

[Peanut]

Quest or Grapevine?!? No. I really, really don't think people are forming long term relationships after an initial meeting on Quest phone chats.

Maybe dedicate yourself to not dating at all for a period of time in the new year. Get comfortable with being alone. You were in a relationship for 9 years and it sounds like maybe you're not quite ready to be back on "the scene". It's all part of the break-up cycle if you ask me. Rebound dating followed by a period of true single-ness, and eventually you'll be ready when the right person comes along.

[MrMastodonFarm]

Hello operator, klondike four five, I'd like a shapely lass, all the trimmings, a fine gal please. Anyone available for the box social the upcoming week end?

[1stLand]

Don't try Backpage.com or Personals on Craigslist unless you want to end up being hog-tied to a bed, beaten, robbed and left for dead.

You may sense an initial spark, but it's all based on false pretenses.

[Muta]

"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need." - Tyler Durden

[mrdonkey]

You're thinking about this way too much. Believe me, I used to do the same thing for the longest time. I would beat myself up wondering what I did wrong or how things could have been different if only I had said X or waited Y amount of time to text back, etc.

Now that I'm older I can see how ridiculous it is to overanalyze this stuff. Just be a nice person and treat people the way you would want to be treated and you will find what you're looking for. You don't need relationship coaches or dating sites. You don't need 'confidence' or 'game.' All that stuff is a bunch of crap that people use to sell you something because it MIGHT get you laid in the short term - I promise you that.

Just get out there, do the things you enjoy, and be yourself. Love will find you faster than you think. It really is that simple.

[smoothpops]

Listen to the post above me. Read the book i mentioned, so you can find out what you did wrong and why you did it. Or Leo doing what you're doing and feel like you are right now all the time.

[Sr. Mints]

As someone who's been on ~25 first dates in the last two years, all I can tell you about sparks is that they are the lifeforce, or soul, of a Transformer. Each spark is part of the essence of Primus himself. When a Transformer dies, its spark returns to the Allspark.

[Crazy Bacon Legs]

Your problem is you are going too straight-laced. You're boring the poor girl. She's sending you the old "You're a boring person" signal. This signal is named "failure" and it is projected to the clouds of your soul like the bat signal. Except THIS signal comes with derisive laughter. Batman doesn't get derisive laughter, because he is Batman. You get derisive laughter because you are boring. This is a vicious cycle that will self-perpetuate if left unchecked. But it doesn't have to be this way.

You know what women want? Excitement! Mystery! Danger! More questions than can possibly be answered in one short evening by a rational being! You spoke of a "spark." You don't want to create a spark. You want to go full supernova in the first 2-3 minutes of that date. Her eyes need to be melted by the glory of your sheer awesomeness. It's up to you to supply excitement, and I can help you do it.

First: You need to set up the time and place for the date. Obviously, this will mean 7:00 pm at Guppy's Fine Steakhouse and Saloon. Insist politely but firmly that your date wear a dress with a flower print of some sort on it (claim this is for identification purposes), but be firm that she MUST wear a solid pair of hiking boots and they MUST be waterproof. Warn her that there may be dire consequences beyond your control if she does not listen to this advice. Keep insisting while slowly getting louder each time. If she shows up with any footwear other than hiking boots, shake your head and walk away mournfully in the other direction. But she should acquiesce. She is already curious. The dance has begun and you are paying the band with some very shiny marbles.

Next, get a table near the back. Compliment her on her hiking boots. Make sure you pull her chair out for her when she sits; it's only polite. Then sit with your back to the wall and continuously, nervously dart your eyes from side to side as if scanning people for evil intent. Hand her the menu and have her read it out loud to you. If she asks why, just tell her you need to keep your head up. Hint that the future of humanity depends on it, but don't just blurt it out. That's a classic rookie mistake.

When the waiter brings a basket of free bread, refuse it at first and wave it away impatiently. Follow this up by almost immediately demanding bread while the waiter is attempting to carry it away. Take the basket and hide it under the table. Give your date a knowing wink.

Order soup for both of you, and then demand to see the manager because the soup is singing to you. Return the soup and get the salad instead. Retrieve the bread basket from under the table and whisper, "it's bonsai time," to your date. Eat the bread but send back the salad. Demand a seafood-based appetizer be brought quickly as your thalidomide levels are dangerously low. Eat the seafood. Do not speak during this course and avoid eye contact. If she attempts to speak to you, nervously shake your head at her while looking terrified.

Constantly check your watch while eating and muttering, "no, not yet." Look up at the ceiling a lot. She will look up as well when you do. Demonstrate that this alarms you.

By now she should be thoroughly confused by your behaviour. The urge to throw your hands up, laugh, and tell her it's all a joke will be overwhelming. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS. This is all part of the plan. She will be off-balance, and very intrigued.

Next, order the steak for the entree. Order one for her as well, but insist it only be seared on the north side of the steak. Ask for extra onion sauce. They will ask for clarification as to what all this means. Don't tell them; it's all part of the game. Give her the option of having the steak either done medium rare or medium. If she wants a well done steak, immediately get up and leave. If she wants her steak well done, she is not the right person for you.

Start asking her questions about her childhood, her parentage, and the GPS coordinates of her childhood home. Everyone knows the GPS coordinates of their childhood home. If they don't, they are either mentally deranged or a communist. When she provides this information, bring out your notebook and jot down this information. Pat the notebook fondly and put it away with a knowing look. Steer all conversation away from the notebook.

Now ask her what her future plans are. Be generic at first. Interrupt her answer and clarify that you need to know her plans in say... the year 2032. Specifically, June 16, 2032. If she asks why that date, just laugh uproariously and reply, "why INDEED?" at a volume just slightly below a shout. Immediately change the subject to sports or the utility of public executions.

Before the steak arrives, jump up and announce loudly that you must leave as your scooter is on fire. When you jump up, try to knock some dishware to the floor so it shatters dramatically. Turn to your date, get down on one knee and apologize for leaving, but explain that humanity needs you. Pat her on the hand and immediately sprint out the front door. If the door doesn't open outwards, dive through the glass headfirst. This looks incredibly badass and she will be VERY impressed. Do a shoulder roll and leap off into the night, cackling madly.

Your date will be left sitting at the table, confused and disoriented. She will also be left with a large bill and two bizarrely prepared steaks. And she will immediately be struck by the urge to call or text you.

Send her a quick message telling her you must be out of communication for 6 days as the cyborgs have learned your location. Don't call them cyborgs directly, but hint that some, "old friends who are both men and terrible, terrible machines," are looking for you. Tell her she is in no danger, but must avoid dairy for the next 48 hours.

If you do all this, you will create more than a spark. Be prepared for a deluge of communication from her, as she begs for a second date. She may even ask to skip the second date and go straight to the third. She may even propose marriage and/or immediately establishing a breeding program. It's up to you if you want to get down to that business.

I used this technique 4 times, and I got 18 marriage proposals. Yes, 18. That's a success rate of 450%. 14 women in the restaurants I used this technique in actually tracked down my personal information, contacted me, and asked for my hand in marriage. I refused them all. My ears hurt constantly due to their incessant wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Remember: this is like life's great cheat code. It may take away from the thrill of playing the game. But it WILL work.

Use this knowledge wisely, people. These are people's hearts you're toying with.

Consider yourselves warned.

[Thor]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

Okay thanks, I wont bother with Tinder. Can you recommend any other dating networks for serious relationships?

Couldn't disagree more on not using Tinder. I recently got back into the dating scene this last year after over a decade away from it, I'm 40.

Tinder is great, its a whole range of women from crazy to sane, boring to wild, frigid to sex addicts.

I think the best thing you can do it just go have fun, you might end up meeting lots of interesting women, some good, some bad, but ultimately you get yourself back into the groove, learn a lot about yourself and how the dating scene has changed.

Just don't take this too seriously, have fun, meet new people and take your time. But for the love of all that is holy, grab Tinder, and go have some fun, you've earned it after 9 years

[DownhillGoat]

Originally Posted by Thor

Couldn't disagree more on not using Tinder. I

I'm with Thor on this one. It's rapidly losing it's "hookup app" monniker. Age may be a factor however.