Let's talk about "spark" when it comes to new relationships

[ChickenPho]

What is your view on spark and how important it is for both to have right away while still in the early phases of getting to know each other? Obviously chemistry is one thing, but spark takes things to the next level. Do you think a full spark is something that is needed right from the get go? Or do you think its something that can start off slower but can grow as time progresses?

For instance, I've been seeing this girl (we just had our 3rd date) and we have really great chemistry. I knew right from the first date that we had something between us. But I will admit, shes been a challenge simply cause shes really timid and introverted, so Ive had to step it up to another level as far as initiating more to work down her barriers. When we first met, the physical attraction was there for both of us, we had chemistry but it took some time to build from it. Sure it wasnt mindblowing chemistry right out of the gate, but that doesnt mean that we arent compatible. It just means we built our chemistry gradually.

With each time we've talked and hung out, our chemistry has gotten stronger. We enjoy each others company, we are really attracted to each other physically, and we make each other laugh...alot. We can literally talk for hours and hours. But after our last date, she said that shes not sure if she feels enough of a spark and doesnt want to lead me on. She said she likes me a lot, and is really attracted to me physically, and loves spending time with me.

The thing is, her and I have very different views on how to build a relationship and I feel this is the big barrier that will most likely end it right here for the both of us. Which would be REALLY unfortunate for her to just give up on us so soon. Im patient when it comes to building chemistry as I do believe there are many ways to build chemistry and in some relationships it takes longer than others. It is what it is. If chemistry takes more time to grow then I will still persue as long as I feel that connection.

Whereas she said shes all about "love at first sight" simply cause all her past relationships have been this way and this is what she expects. She has her guys on a super short leash and wants them to basically make her fall for them super fast or else gives up and moves onto the next. She wants feelings and emotion to hit her inside real fast. Like unrealistically fast, because her expectations just arent realistic. This is the most daring approach in dating, Ive been down this road when I was young but as you get older you realize that this method will get you hurt fast.

I think "the spark" is over-rated. In my experience, relationships that start with "the spark" have a great beginning. But those relationships tend to burn out quickly. They're short, but intense relationships. Ive had many relationships like this. Its all about lust and your relationship from the get go is 100% based on physical attraction with personality second. Over time, its the personalities that always pull through and carry a relationship. This is just how I see it, but she obviously sees things in a much different way.

Healthier relationships are like a campground fire made of hard woods: they take a while to get burning, but they hold their heat for a much longer time.

Many people (more women, but some guys, too) think a relationship is about constant excitement and thrills, and that anything else is settling. Not true. Relationships have ups and downs. Your feelings change. Their feelings change. You're in a transition phase in your life.

Even though I tell her that love at first sight exists but its rare, not everyone gets to experience it. And that chemistry is built at different paces in every relationship and that it would be a bit too premature to just give up on an oppurtunity or person just because you arent falling head over heals for them in the first 3 dates.

What are your thoughts on spark? Do you think spark can be built over time? Does it fade over time? Many i know always say that spark eventually fades and is only temporary.

And thats what Im the most puzzled about, we both are really physically attracted to each other, sure it hasnt started off all about crazy lust (but thats a good thing trust me), because we both are looking for long term relationships. But again its the personality that I put the most emphasis on as time goes on. And maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but to me a 3rd date is still in the very early phases of getting to know someone. Sometimes a full spark may not come until the 5th, 6th or 7th date. Its all about patience.

[DownhillGoat]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

What are your thoughts on spark? Do you think spark can be built over time? Does it fade over time? Many i know always say that spark eventually fades and is only temporary.

If you start sitting on the opposite sides of the food court table, the spark is gone and the relationship is over.

[troutman]

Saying there is no spark is a polite way of putting you in the friend zone. Probably nothing you can do to change that.

[DuffMan]

That's a lot of analysis for a failed relationship after 3 dates. forget about it and move on.

[saillias]

You can frame this in terms of some debate about "spark", but she doesn't want to date you.

She is just letting you down nicely and you are doing mental gymnastics to rationalize why she's wrong about her reasoning. That will never get you anywhere.

[CaptainCrunch]

MOD EDIT: Women read this forum.

[northcrunk]

To me the spark was there right away when I met my wife and we've spent pretty much every day together since we met although we were more friends with benefits before we were official but neither of us were seeing anyone else so it was basicly being together without a title.

I think when you meet the person you should be with you will know when you meet them. If you have to force it then it's not right for you. Trust your gut. My wife and I became best friends before we had kids and married but the spark was there instantly and our relationship came easy.

[DuffMan]

Aren't you supposed to be married and have children by a certain age to make you parents happy. You better quit wasting your time with girls who don't want you , and get with some girls that have breeding on their mind, and their window of opportunity is closing.

[terminator]

You shoulda jacked her plate.

[ChickenPho]

Ya I'm gonna move on, I'm just confused by her "Im not sure if I feel enough of a spark" cause it sounds teeter totter on the fence.

Ultimately, she wants love at first sight and I'm much more patient and this right here is 100% proof that a relationship between us wouldnt last. It is what it is, it was fun while it lasted. We just have completely different mindsets when it comes to dating and relationships, and why I always try (at least prefer) to date women as close as my age as possible. I know age is only a number, but Ive found that even dating someone who is 2 or 3 years closer to my age than someone who is say 6 or 7 years apart can make a huge difference - stages in your life, experiences, mindset.

[undercoverbrother]

Let's not.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

What is your view on spark and how important it is for both to have right away while still in the early phases of getting to know each other? Obviously chemistry is one thing, but spark takes things to the next level. Do you think a full spark is something that is needed right from the get go? Or do you think its something that can start off slower but can grow as time progresses?

For instance, I've been seeing this girl (we just had our 3rd date) and we have really great chemistry. I knew right from the first date that we had something between us. But I will admit, shes been a challenge simply cause shes really timid and introverted, so Ive had to step it up to another level as far as initiating more to work down her barriers. When we first met, the physical attraction was there for both of us, we had chemistry but it took some time to build from it. Sure it wasnt mindblowing chemistry right out of the gate, but that doesnt mean that we arent compatible. It just means we built our chemistry gradually.

With each time we've talked and hung out, our chemistry has gotten stronger. We enjoy each others company, we are really attracted to each other physically, and we make each other laugh...alot. We can literally talk for hours and hours. But after our last date, she said that shes not sure if she feels enough of a spark and doesnt want to lead me on. She said she likes me a lot, and is really attracted to me physically, and loves spending time with me.

The thing is, her and I have very different views on how to build a relationship and I feel this is the big barrier that will most likely end it right here for the both of us. Which would be REALLY unfortunate for her to just give up on us so soon. Im patient when it comes to building chemistry as I do believe there are many ways to build chemistry and in some relationships it takes longer than others. It is what it is. If chemistry takes more time to grow then I will still persue as long as I feel that connection.

Whereas she said shes all about "love at first sight" simply cause all her past relationships have been this way and this is what she expects. She has her guys on a super short leash and wants them to basically make her fall for them super fast or else gives up and moves onto the next. She wants feelings and emotion to hit her inside real fast. Like unrealistically fast, because her expectations just arent realistic. This is the most daring approach in dating, Ive been down this road when I was young but as you get older you realize that this method will get you hurt fast.

I think "the spark" is over-rated. In my experience, relationships that start with "the spark" have a great beginning. But those relationships tend to burn out quickly. They're short, but intense relationships. Ive had many relationships like this. Its all about lust and your relationship from the get go is 100% based on physical attraction with personality second. Over time, its the personalities that always pull through and carry a relationship. This is just how I see it, but she obviously sees things in a much different way.

Healthier relationships are like a campground fire made of hard woods: they take a while to get burning, but they hold their heat for a much longer time.

Many people (more women, but some guys, too) think a relationship is about constant excitement and thrills, and that anything else is settling. Not true. Relationships have ups and downs. Your feelings change. Their feelings change. You're in a transition phase in your life.

Even though I tell her that love at first sight exists but its rare, not everyone gets to experience it. And that chemistry is built at different paces in every relationship and that it would be a bit too premature to just give up on an oppurtunity or person just because you arent falling head over heals for them in the first 3 dates.

What are your thoughts on spark? Do you think spark can be built over time? Does it fade over time? Many i know always say that spark eventually fades and is only temporary.

And thats what Im the most puzzled about, we both are really physically attracted to each other, sure it hasnt started off all about crazy lust (but thats a good thing trust me), because we both are looking for long term relationships. But again its the personality that I put the most emphasis on as time goes on. And maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but to me a 3rd date is still in the very early phases of getting to know someone. Sometimes a full spark may not come until the 5th, 6th or 7th date. Its all about patience.

hey ho

[ExiledFlamesFan]

Sorry man it sounds like she's not attracted to you. Chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. It happens to the best of us.

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

Ya I'm gonna move on, I'm just confused by her "Im not sure if I feel enough of a spark" cause it sounds teeter totter on the fence.

Ultimately, she wants love at first sight and I'm much more patient and this right here is 100% proof that a relationship between us wouldnt last. It is what it is, it was fun while it lasted. We just have completely different mindsets when it comes to dating and relationships, and why I always try (at least prefer) to date women as close as my age as possible. I know age is only a number, but Ive found that even dating someone who is 2 or 3 years closer to my age than someone who is say 6 or 7 years apart can make a huge difference - stages in your life, experiences, mindset.

I used to have this mindset until I met my husband. I wouldn't call it love at first sight; I wouldn't even say we had a spark right away but we fit and it was comfortable and we developed the spark when we started being intimate. If you haven't been intimate with her, maybe that's all she's missing? She wants a 500 degree oven and you're slow-cooking her on the low setting. Maybe turn it up to high for a date or two and see what happens?

[Ducay]

TL;DR Friendzoned

[nik-]

Yeah, you should move on.

However "love at first sight" doesn't exist. Unless a person's only determiners of love are in the crotch.

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by FireFly

I used to have this mindset until I met my husband. I wouldn't call it love at first sight; I wouldn't even say we had a spark right away but we fit and it was comfortable and we developed the spark when we started being intimate. If you haven't been intimate with her, maybe that's all she's missing? She wants a 500 degree oven and you're slow-cooking her on the low setting. Maybe turn it up to high for a date or two and see what happens?

Well more touchy feely on the 3rd date, but I wasnt getting the right vibe off her hence why I didnt take things further. Trust me I wanted to, but I never want to put a girl on the spot or make her feel uncomfortable. So if im not getting the right vibe then I dont persue further, just out of respect really. Things should feel natural and theres not a worse feeling that something that feels forced.

This is exactly what I told her as well. And she said that she did want to take things further on the 3rd date but she wasnt showing it at all through body language, and Im pretty good reading body language. But I mean a large factor has to do with her personality, and the fact she shows pretty much minimal signs. And that at some point in the date, she decided that she shouldnt because she didnt want to lead me on.

Oh well. Her timid personality was just too much of a challenge for me I guess. Ive dated plenty of shy, closed off girls before, but not to this degree.

[troutman]

You seem like a fine young man.

Old German expression - "other mothers have nice daughters".

Andere mütter haben auch schöne tochter

[REDVAN]

If you are trying to get serious dating advice from CP, then you should move on.

[wretched34]

Wait.... so, you've gone on three dates, she's let you down easy, and you've now tried to explain to her that love can be found in different ways, and that it's premature for her to give up on you, and that you feel you can build an ever lasting relationship if she just gives you time, and you can live happily ever after....

Maybe that's the problem... Doesn't really seem like third date conversation material.
On a third date, I'm usually still talking about my awesome toe drags at rec hockey, and that time I broke bones doing something stupid (toe drags at rec hockey), while staring at her chest. Not begging for a chance to prove to her that she'll love me one day.

If you're one that believes patience can build love, maybe slow it down a little. Leave the ever lasting life together off the table for a few weeks.... Just have have fun, that tends to be where a "Spark" comes from, planning a future right out of the gate doesn't scream excitement and passion like a few beers and a roller coaster.