Got in trouble at work - Did I destroy my reputation or can I recover?

[calf]

I see two aspects to your boss insisting you go, similar to what others have said:
1) There's been a lot of time and effort put into organizing the event, and he doesn't want that to go to waste because you changed your mind last minute.

2) You likely have a reputation already, and you not going probably reinforces it, not destroy it. I'm not saying you have a bad reputation, but likely one that's introverted/in your shell, and sometimes that comes across as not a team player which rightly or wrongly leads to a lack of trust. I think your boss is looking out for you so that you can come out of your shell, and be a trusted member of your team.

[habernac]

pre-wife and kids, I went out to most of these things. Now I'm a husband, Dad, a coach, etc. Those things are much more important to me than some after work function. I spend enough time with the people I work with. After work is family time for me.

[NuclearPizzaMan]

golf people are the worst people.

[cDnStealth]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

Easier said than done, much easier said than done. But the next time i get an invite for an event and the actitivity doesnt interest me, ill say no and see what happens. See how things unfold compared to this time around.

i can almost assure you, had I said no in the first place...I would still be questioned and forced to go.

Nobody can force you to go to a work event. I don't mean to be offensive but you need to grow up. Being an adult means making your own decisions even if other people don't like them. If you don't want to go to an event or if you have some other obligation already planned you should be able to say "sorry guys, this isn't my thing / I can't make this one" and stand by your decision.

Frankly, it's nobody's business if you decide not to attend an event. You don't need to give a grand reason for why you're skipping a company outing. This isn't grade school and you don't need excuses.

[Hockeyguy15]

Originally Posted by habernac

pre-wife and kids, I went out to most of these things. Now I'm a husband, Dad, a coach, etc. Those things are much more important to me than some after work function. I spend enough time with the people I work with. After work is family time for me.

This for sure is a valid post, however I don't believe it applies to the OP.

The key for the OP next time is to give the boss a valid reason for not attending, because there is value in team building. "I don't feel like going" is going to be less acceptable than "Large social gatherings give me a lot of anxiety boss, would it be alright if I declined the invite"

If the boss knows you have some social issues then you would think he is going to be more accomodating. Maybe he won't be happy that you aren't going, but at least he will know that you aren't just being an anti-social team member. Lying/making excuses is not the way to go, just tell the truth.

[Huntingwhale]

All this talk of not getting raises/advancements because you don't network or build social relationships with co-workers outside of work is hogwash. I've seen plenty of quiet, keep-to-themselves employees work their way up the ladder. If your management team doesn't advance you to a position you deserve because you didn't attend a social event, then it's probably a crappy company you work for. Maybe it's just the company I work for, but at the end of the day every raise and promotion I ever recieved was based on how I did my job. Not how I interacted outside of it. I would suggest that the only type of job where not attending social events and being the ''quiet guy'' might hurt you is at a sales job.

I don't see anything wrong with Pho Ga not attending the golf tournament. It's his personal time/choice if he wants to do so. I'm not a quiet guy at work by any means, but if I don't feel like going to a social event then I won't. And not once has it ever reflected negatively on my work.

[Kybosh]

Every time there is a suicide or another public story of it's kind, this quote comes up and I think it's relevant to some of the points being made in this thread:

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."

I go to corporate events all the time, but it certainly wasn't a natural thing for me to do from the beginning. The simple act of a public outing (like dinner or a golf tournament) can be crippling for some people.

To the OP: 1) Say no if you don't want to go to future things 2) If social anxiety or something else is a issue, maybe start thinking about little steps you can do to make these things more palatable?
To others: Have a little empathy.

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by WhiteTiger

The way I look at it is that Management gets to command my time while I'm on the clock. I get to decide how my time is spent when I'm not on the clock. If I like my co-workers, they already know it because we will hang out without management requiring us to.

Management also gets to decide when the clock starts and stops. Sure the official hours may say 9-5, but most people don't work those hours. When I was a summer articling student we were told to reward us for busy season that hours in the summer months went down to 35 hours per week. That didn't mean anything, as the job still had to get done, and if it took the team 60 hours, then it took 60 hours.

As much as it shouldn't, involvement in company outings (charity events, Friday drinks, Christmas parties, etc.) matter. How you act at these events also matters. If you are okay to do your job and go home without participating in anything, I'm sure you'll be fine. You may not be getting the promotions, raises, rewards that others are getting. When partners are thinking of who they want running the business, they likely aren't going to pick the person who doesn't show up for anything. If you don't want to move up (there are many people who don't), you won't be missing out. If you want to be senior management, these are the extras that are required to help get you to the next level.

[WhiteTiger]

Originally Posted by squiggs96

Management also gets to decide when the clock starts and stops. Sure the official hours may say 9-5, but most people don't work those hours. When I was a summer articling student we were told to reward us for busy season that hours in the summer months went down to 35 hours per week. That didn't mean anything, as the job still had to get done, and if it took the team 60 hours, then it took 60 hours.

As much as it shouldn't, involvement in company outings (charity events, Friday drinks, Christmas parties, etc.) matter. How you act at these events also matters. If you are okay to do your job and go home without participating in anything, I'm sure you'll be fine. You may not be getting the promotions, raises, rewards that others are getting. When partners are thinking of who they want running the business, they likely aren't going to pick the person who doesn't show up for anything. If you don't want to move up (there are many people who don't), you won't be missing out. If you want to be senior management, these are the extras that are required to help get you to the next level.

Nothing like passing over a good, solid, dependable, not-quite-social worker for a bro from the good ol'boys club, eh?

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by WhiteTiger

Nothing like passing over a good, solid, dependable, not-quite-social worker for a bro from the good ol'boys club, eh?

It definitely happens. People want to associate with people like themselves. There is also a difference between someone who is an excellent worker, and someone who is an excellent manager.

[ben voyonsdonc]

If you are going to be miserable at the event, you shouldn't go. A couple of years ago, my company had a meeting week where all of the staff from across the country came to town. One of the days we had a team building event and two of my co-workers obviously didn't want to be there. They had their arms crossed and sulked the whole time. It brought the whole event down for everyone and made the two co-workers look really bad.

If you do go, you really should do your very best to enjoy yourself and let it be known that you are having a good time.

A suggestion: maybe it might be a good idea for the OP to invite some of his colleagues out for a drink after work or to organize something that the OP enjoys. It would show that the OP is a team mate and maybe could help alleviate the tension between the OP and the boss.

[Table 5]

Originally Posted by pylon

The thing is, you can do both.

I have taken part in a ton of things I hated, but still did in the name of the 'team'. Depending on the type of work environment, team building can be huge. In my industry, you cannot operate with a broken one. I work shoulder to shoulder with two other guys in my department, and the number one reason we have been together for 7 years, is because there are no egos, and we work 100% together.

And you don't have to be drunk and zany at company gatherings. I NEVER consume booze ever at any company function. Not even our Christmas party. Not going doesn't make you a bad colleague, but I would argue, stepping out of your comfort zone, and trying something new.... makes you a better one.

I don't disagree that stepping out of your comfort zone can be enlightening, and I wish I was more extroverted, but some of hate having things be forced upon us. I've taken plenty of risks in my life (picked up and moved to a whole different country, quit a steady job in the middle of economic collapse to set out on my own), but it was under my terms. I'm adult enough to know what works for me and what doesn't. I hate being the center of attention, and hate being told what to do. That won't change. I'm not going to turn into Tony Robbins because someone forces me to do some karaoke or play golf. I like my comfort zone. It's comfortable for a reason!

Maybe some of us are just crappy team players in the traditional sense. We would make crappy Managers or CEOs…but chances are, we're probably not looking to do that anyway, and are good at things that don't require as much team work. It doesn't mean we don't like to go out for a beer or spend time with co-workers. But organized company outings are about as natural as the forced-fun of New Years Eve.

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by Hockeyguy15

How is it easier said than done? If you said you'll go, you go.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you never answered the question people asked...Is there in fact a birthday you are going to?

Because if I said i wasnt going to go in the first place, I would be questioned on why not and be forced to go. After yesterday, now I know that this golf tourney is mandatory. Theres no way out of it, I have to go. When I first got the invite, I wanted to decline but my gut feeling kept telling me its wrong because a voice was telling me i have to be there.

But like I said, the next time I will decline from the get go and see if it plays out any different. Im almost sure it wouldnt.

Yes its my nephews birthday, he turns 4.

[troutman]

If the social science research is correct, about half the world are extroverts, and half are introverts. Extroverts have a hard time understanding how introverts are uncomfortable in social settings, and would rather avoid corporate events. These events are not "fun" for introverts, and cause them anxiety. To tell them to "suck it up" does not recognize how they are wired differently.

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by Table 5

I don't disagree that stepping out of your comfort zone can be enlightening, and I wish I was more extroverted, but some of hate having things be forced upon us. I'm not going to turn into Tony Robbins because someone forces me to do some karaoke or play golf. I like my comfort zone. It's comfortable for a reason!

Maybe some of us are just crappy team players in the traditional sense. We would make crappy Managers or CEOs…but chances are, we're probably not looking to do that anyway, and are good at things that don't require as much team work. It doesn't mean we don't like to go out for a beer or spend time with co-workers. But organized company outings are about as natural as the forced-fun of New Years Eve.

Well said, thank you.

Dont assume someone isnt a team player just because they dont go to every single event. I just dont believe in the overly common mentality of living and breathing your job 24/7, 365 days a year.

[nik-]

Originally Posted by troutman

If the social science research is correct, about half the world are extroverts, and half are introverts. Extroverts have a hard time understanding how introverts are uncomfortable in social settings, and would rather avoid corporate events. These events are not "fun" for introverts, and cause them anxiety. To tell them to "suck it up" does not recognize how they are wired differently.

Yeah, I think people are getting that some people don't like to go out. I think the problem is that he immediately said yes, and then waited 6 weeks to back out. That seriously screws over the people setting it up.

However I'm also a little sceptical about this "harassed into going" culture which apparently exists. I've never seen that, to the degree he's suggesting, anywhere.

[WhiteTiger]

Originally Posted by ChickenPho

Because if I said i wasnt going to go in the first place, I would be questioned on why not and be forced to go.

Organizer: Hey, come to this [team building event no one wants to go to]
You: I can't make it that day.
Organizer: Why not?
You: I have other plans, sorry.
Organizer: What are they?
You: I would prefer not to discuss them, thank you.

That should be the end of it. It if goes on beyond that, you may want to think about a new job.

[MarchHare]

Originally Posted by Table 5

Maybe some of us are just crappy team players in the traditional sense. We would make crappy Managers or CEOs…but chances are, we're probably not looking to do that anyway, and are good at things that don't require as much team work.

I'm not sure I agree that introverts make poor managers or CEOs. If you look at the most successful business executives, many of them are not extroverted. Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Mark Zuckerberg -- all hugely successful billionaires, all introverts.

I definitely disagree that introverts are not good team players. I consider myself an excellent team player, and clearly my superiors agree as I've been steadily climbing the ranks throughout my career. I work very effectively with my colleagues in an office setting, but I don't consider participating in after-work social activities a necessary attribute of a good team member.

[cDnStealth]

Originally Posted by troutman

If the social science research is correct, about half the world are extroverts, and half are introverts. Extroverts have a hard time understanding how introverts are uncomfortable in social settings, and would rather avoid corporate events. These events are not "fun" for introverts, and cause them anxiety. To tell them to "suck it up" does not recognize how they are wired differently.

I am an introvert and I make the effort to go to work events even though I'd often rather be doing something else. I also have no problem not going to an event especially if I have something planned already.

There are two different issues being argued over in this thread. One is a person's obligation to attend work events which really isn't the issue at hand. The other is that he agreed to attend the event and is now backing out of it at the last minute. Most people will understand that sometimes things just pop up. A family birthday party isn't one of them. I would suggest that next time Pho you should check your calendar before accepting an invitation to an event.

The real problem I see here is that Pho has a hard time telling people no. Make a decision and stick to your guns on it. As I said before, you don't need to explain yourself. Just politely decline and if they ask you for a reason you can say it's personal. It's honestly none of their business. Don't make a big deal of it and neither will they. If they do, perhaps you should find another place to work.

[ChickenPho]

Originally Posted by cDnStealth

Nobody can force you to go to a work event.

Okay they cant, but its not worth burning bridges by not going. If I said "Im absolutely not going, no ands, ifs or buts" and I wasnt willing to change my decision? I gaurentee you that I just burnt the bridge between my boss and I.

Being an adult means making your own decisions even if other people don't like them. If you don't want to go to an event or if you have some other obligation already planned you should be able to say "sorry guys, this isn't my thing / I can't make this one" and stand by your decision.

Yes I can do this and I did in Julys event, and got blasted with 29 questions on why not and some head scratching going on from other departments. I even had one person spend 10mins on the phone with me saying how i should go and kept drilling me with questions. Want my opinion? No one should ever be asked why they cant make an event cause quite frankly its none of their business. If they cant go, they cant go, end of story. When people tell me they cant make my invites, I dont go asking "why not" because its none of my business. Its a breach of privacy and im not nosey enough in wanting to find out.

Frankly, it's nobody's business if you decide not to attend an event. You don't need to give a grand reason for why you're skipping a company outing. This isn't grade school and you don't need excuses.

Exactly! But unfortunately not everyone sees it this way. Once they start asking me questions, I get irritated.