Fair or unfair

[Sylvanfan]

So heres my dilemma, and I thought I'd ask CP for it's great advice.

My wife is a horrific spender. She has absolutely zero self discipline. She simply does not get the difference between a want and a need. She thinks she needs new shoes when she has 300 pair scattered all over the house. As a result we've been living paycheque to paycheque since she re-entered the work force in October and I find that I'm always being forced to push back my debt repayment schedule because she spends $300 here or there or on a hobby. If theres anything I hate it's being nickled and dimed to death. To me $40 on a shirt, here and $60 on shoes there is being nickled and dimed to death. I think this is pathetic because between the two of us we make much more than sufficient money, and having non-mortgage debt makes us stupid fools who will go nowhere in life and wonder why we're still having to work at the age of 90 to make ends meet. Frankly I've had enough, and I have to get this under control now or I never will. My laissez fair attitude is fataing pathetic and I'm pretty ticked at myself.

My solution is that I want to take away her bank card, and credit cards and give her a weekly cash allowance. Too often she goes shopping and doesn't realize that she just wasted $300 on "feel good" stuff she didn't need. Now I realize that I'm as much of the problem because I've let her do it, and somewhere along the lines I'm probably wasting money I shouldn't be spending either. So I'm proposing that I too will not be allowed my bank card or credit card either and that my weekly cash allowance will be half of what hers is. These cards will stay at home and together we will review our bank account statements to make sure neither one cheated.

Does this seem like a fair or unfair thing to do?

[Cheese]

So hows marriage Sly?
I had one of those ...once....a number of years ago...in the dark ages.

[Sylvanfan]

I hate Doctor Phill. Daytime TV should be excuse enough for anyone to want a daytime job.

[DementedReality]

ah, the joys of marriage ...

my wife and i set aside each paycheque the amount of money we need for the bills and basics like groceries and gas, we then set aside the amount of $ we agree on saving that period and then we agree on a fair split of the remaining dollars.

typically she spends her money within a few days and i save mine. however, if she wants to nickle and dime herself, so be it. we both agree that spending money out of the house money is done only on mutual agreement.

it used to drive me nuts what she would buy, now i dont care. it drove her nuts knowing it drove me nuts. this system works great, she can spend, i can save and she doesnt feel like i am her daddy and she needs persmission to spend money.

[lazy_programmer]

I realize that every situtation is different, and require different approaches. For what it's worth, me and my wife have a spending "allowance", where each week we get a set amount of cash for personal use. If we want something that is more than our allowance, we save up for it. I find this works b/c it forces us to think about big purchases and often times eliminates those impuse purchases. This also limits the amount we put on the credit card, so we don't end up with large surprises.

[habernac]

as long as you are both in agreement I guess it's an ok idea.

[White Doors]

Pay yourself first. Have automatic withdraws come out for RRSP's on the same days she gets paid.

[Cowperson]

Originally Posted by Sylvanfan

So heres my dilemma, and I thought I'd ask CP for it's great advice.

My wife is a horrific spender. She has absolutely zero self discipline. She simply does not get the difference between a want and a need. She thinks she needs new shoes when she has 300 pair scattered all over the house. As a result we've been living paycheque to paycheque since she re-entered the work force in October and I find that I'm always being forced to push back my debt repayment schedule because she spends $300 here or there or on a hobby. If theres anything I hate it's being nickled and dimed to death. To me $40 on a shirt, here and $60 on shoes there is being nickled and dimed to death. I think this is pathetic because between the two of us we make much more than sufficient money, and having non-mortgage debt makes us stupid fools who will go nowhere in life and wonder why we're still having to work at the age of 90 to make ends meet. Frankly I've had enough, and I have to get this under control now or I never will. My laissez fair attitude is fataing pathetic and I'm pretty ticked at myself.

My solution is that I want to take away her bank card, and credit cards and give her a weekly cash allowance. Too often she goes shopping and doesn't realize that she just wasted $300 on "feel good" stuff she didn't need. Now I realize that I'm as much of the problem because I've let her do it, and somewhere along the lines I'm probably wasting money I shouldn't be spending either. So I'm proposing that I too will not be allowed my bank card or credit card either and that my weekly cash allowance will be half of what hers is. These cards will stay at home and together we will review our bank account statements to make sure neither one cheated.

Does this seem like a fair or unfair thing to do?

A common dilemma. . . . .

It might be as simple as two people who have differing personalities . . . . she never worries about the future and you can't help but worry about it all the time. It's who both of you are and, ominously, it's who you always will be.

It might be more serious too . . . . . . people, particularly women, who suffer depression issues find they can validate themselves in the short term by buying things, by spending money. A short term rush.

It can also be particularly selfish on the part of one person . . . . . she's doing all the spending while you're doing all the saving . . . . which means she's getting all the benefit and you're getting nothing. It's not a sexist observation as the flip side could be true as well. But the person on the wrong end of the stick will resent it eventually.

Pretty important to sit down and get it on the table and agree on a strategy.

But both have to be flexible. You don't need to be ultra-efficient and save every spare nickel or have a very aggressive debt repayment scheme . . . but you also don't have to be down to your last nickel when the paycheque arrives on the 15th . . . . . or face an overdraft of a couple thousand every month because someone is selfish.

My buttinski thoughts.

Cowperson

[bluejays]

Not to sound rude, but wow, sounds like a pair of 16 year old newlyweds. I'm an ugly single guy, so take it for what it's worth. Anyway, I'd just sit down with her and explain that purchasing something that very moment is just p*ssing your money away. How many times have you spent something at the spur of the moment and been dissatisfied with your purchase a week or month later thinking to yourself, how the hell did I get that and why? It's better to think a month down the road that live for the moment. The way I personally like to spend, is I just save endlessly, and spend money on a shirt of whatever when exam times roll around or another stressful situation rolls around, to have something positive to think about *ahhhh shirt*. Spending little here, little there is a killer of the pocket. Allowances don't make sense either, because it's itching to spend but just withholding it for a week. I guess the best way to think about something before buying it, is can I use this 1 year from now?

[notoepik]

It doesn't really matter if it is a fair or unfair plan Syl. The biggest thing will be that you both agree on a solution. Does she even see it is a problem, or is she fine with her spending? Are you saving anything in a retirement account or do you spend every dime you make?

I agree with White Doors, sock money away before you ever get it, in a low risk saving/retirement plan.

My solution is that I want to take away her bank card, and credit cards and give her a weekly cash allowance.

Gosh if my husband said that, I think I would cuff him in the side of the head to wake him up. I might not disagree that it is a good solution to curb erratic spending, but talking about a solution and deciding together what to do is paramount. She is a bread winner too, who are you to take away HER bank card.

[Radically Red]

She may be a bread winner but who is she to spend all the cash?

If she agrees to give up the Bank card I think thats ok. I dont think you should just forcefully take it away though. If she wants to keep the card then open another account and put money there. Leaving her the account her card accesses with money to spend. Of course you both need to agree on what to do. She needs to realize how her spending is hurting the Family.

[CaptainCrunch]

First and foremost, get credit counciling.

Secondly get marriage counciling.

Third consolidate all of your credit cards to one card and lock it in a safe and throw it in the ocean.

The allowance thing will be a good idea, but I get she gets resentful about being limited, again see point two.

Start hiding money away, approach your company about splitting your paycheques between two accounts, this is the only way to create a nest egg, and it sounds like your the one doing the finance.

Last and not least, get me a damn spell checker, I can't spell counciling.

[ken0042]

It also comes down to how the person sees money. Many people I know look at payday as the day that they are rich. Myself I see it as 14 days until payday. However 2 days before payday I am "rich" because I didn't spend all that I had to spend.

I hear people at work say "let's go out to the bar- it's payday so I know you have money."

Those same people come to me 2 days before payday to borrow $20.

But a big part of this realization for me was that I know I am bad with money, so I don't let myself spend it. I have one credit card with a low limit, and I cannot use my savings account ATM card for Interac purchases.

Maybe a change is needed for the two of you. Take the gross monthly income, and set up the budget to pay the bills and whatever savings, and then after that each of you gets an allowance. Heck; even give her $50 more than you. Each of you gets a seperate account with seperate cards, and that's the money that each of you can spend. Wait for her to run out of money, and then mention that you still have money left, and started out with less than she did.

This is all "single guy" advise, so take it for what it's worth.

[firebug]

A topical article:

http://ca.pfinance.yahoo.com/ca_fina...to-a-money-pit

[fredr123]

This is totally inviting a fight about how you always leave the toilet seat up or how you are not nice to her mother. Guaranteed.

[BlackArcher101]

I say get seperate bank accounts

[theJuice]

You better put that Ho on a leash man, she's over-stepping her boundries.

Ugh, that sounded alot better when I said it in my head and thought it was mildy amusing.

[notoepik]

Originally Posted by theJuice

You better put that Ho on a leash man, she's over-stepping her boundries.

Ugh, that sounded alot better when I said it in my head and thought it was mildy amusing.

Funny how those things just don't sound quite right after they bounce around in all that space with a couple of marbles

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by notoepik

Funny how those things just don't sound quite right after they bounce around in all that space with a couple of marbles

Like cuffing your husband in the head for not being eloquent when suggesting you not have a bank card? I bet that one sounded better in your head.

[SpecialK12]

My fiance and I consolidated bank accounts a few months ago. After a few months of feeling helplessly broke and not knowing what to do about it we started tracking everything we spent in a spreadsheet I developed and it was a huge eye opener to see where all of our money was going. Within 2 months we had a new plan in place and things have been great ever since.
First things first we pay ourselves first at the beginning of every months we have money going into mutuals and RRSP's. I account for all of the bills at the beginning of every month as well so I know what we have left. We then have a bi-weekly allowance each that we can choose to spend as we wish or save. At the end of every month we take what's "left over" - a portion of that goes into "emergency fund savings" and the rest we split for additional spending money.
A few great books to read "The Wealthy Barber" and "Smart couples finish rich". They both helped us tons and it makes it all a lot less intimidating.