Advice on kids

[KTrain]

My wife and I both grew up in families with 3 kids. One of the kids was always left out. Almost everything is built for a family of 4. Amusement park rides. Most family discounts are for 2 parents/2 kids. Vehicles are a squeeze with 3 small kids in car seats. But I don't need to sell you on the benefits of 2 kids over 3.

I'm not sure if this is the case, but if your wife is chases a daughter or son for the third, don't make that the sole reason. My friend has 4 boys because his wife wanted a daughter for those last two.

Also, you should also be prepared for 4 kids when going for your third. Twins happen. If you don't want 3, I can bet your really don't want 4.

[TurdFerguson]

Really hard to approach what is clearly an emotional desire with a logical solution. Anyone married will tell you how that will go...

I have a couple friends who have been in this very situation, all of them ended up with the extra kid except for one who actually ended up divorced (great pep talk hey!). It is a challenging topic because for most women (that I know anyway) kids are the ultimate. That isn't meant to be demeaning to the role of women or to suggest that men don't care about kids...its just different. We are wired different. If the desire/need is strong enough for a women then it will happen. Men are more likely to concede, eventually, to something they are not 100% into, sadly.

As mentioned by many it's an incredibly tricky topic and for the sake of your relationship it should be broached with a 3rd party (counselor etc). Otherwise it is a big enough topic that it could spiral into something that you wont be able to come back from. Either by having a kid that you didn't really want and the long-term resentment that might build with that, or by not providing the kid that your wife so deeply wanted; either way, not good.

Best of luck man...that's a tricky one.

[TurdFerguson]

To KTrains point...I know a guy who had 3 boys...wife really wanted a girl...ended up with 5 boys!

[Peanut]

3 is the new 2!

But seriously. Maybe you can just take some time (like, a few months) to keep thinking about it? Or does the decision need to be made immediately?

[Muta]

Why are women so gung-ho about kids? This planet is overpopulated as is, and ANOTHER kid would just take up valuable oxygen from the rest of us.

[Sliver]

Tough situation dude. This is a good reason to set up this rule early on in a relationship: It takes two to "yes" and one to "no". Basically, we both have veto power for anything. It's likely partly responsible for the reason we never fight. If one of us doesn't want something, we still debate it, but at the end of the day we both have the option to say "no" to pretty much anything.

It'll be very hard for the OP to institute that rule now (during a disagreement), but it's probably a good one to start after they're through this.

[Ace]

On the same line as Turd, it's really important to understand the difference between men and women. I'm convinced woman have a point when they feel "complete" when they have had enough children. For guys it's likely more of a logical thought process (finances, practicality, etc.) At the end of the day, life is short, time flys by and circumstances change. I'd seriously consider seeing if you can bring yourself to sacrifice on this one and have another kid. There is a good chance your wife will always feel like something is missing if you don't go for another.

When I was younger I kept wanting to wait to have kids a little later in life, there seemed like so much I had to do to prepare, and now after starting with our little guy I wish I would have started earlier. I guess my point is in 5 or 10 years the decision to have another kid right now is going to seem a whole bunch different than it does right now.

On the practical side I think issues like does your wife stay at home, or will you need daycare, how old are your other kids, etc do need to be considered. Maybe a good starting point is to sit down and say "I'd like to consider having another baby, but these are the issues that I'm struggling with" Perhaps you can come up with some lifestyle changes that will make this work for both of you. Good Luck!

[automaton 3]

Friends of ours went through the same issue, she wanted one more and he didn't. Ended with her more or less making an ultimatum. They did end up having another child who he now loves very much, but he is still quite resentful of her forcing the issue. Good luck and hope that you and your significant other work it out.

[troutman]

In a world with rampant over-population, families should not be having more than two children. Birth rates need to drop below replacement.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sub-replacement_fertility

Sub-replacement fertility is a total fertility rate (TFR) that (if sustained) leads to each new generation being less populous than the previous one in a given area. In developed countries sub-replacement fertility is any rate below approximately 2.1 children born per woman, but the threshold can be as high as 3.4 in some developing countries because of higher mortality rates.[1]

[Locke]

Originally Posted by photon

Agree with those above that in this kind of situation not doing what one partner doesn't want to do is the default position.

But yeah, you need to come to a consensus, otherwise you giving in not because you think it's the right thing but just because you don't want to have it be a problem will end up with you resenting her.

Or the kid, or both.

As for the '3 kid families' issue. Oh yes. Last kid gets left out all the time, ergo, spends all of his/her time with you.

[blankall]

Originally Posted by troutman

In a world with rampant over-population, families should not be having more than two children. Birth rates need to drop below replacement.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sub-replacement_fertility

Sub-replacement fertility is a total fertility rate (TFR) that (if sustained) leads to each new generation being less populous than the previous one in a given area. In developed countries sub-replacement fertility is any rate below approximately 2.1 children born per woman, but the threshold can be as high as 3.4 in some developing countries because of higher mortality rates.[1]

To be fair, birth rates in Canada are already sub-replacement. For every family having a 3rd or 4th child, there's a family with no kids.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by blankall

To be fair, birth rates in Canada are already sub-replacement. For every family having a 3rd or 4th child, there's a family with no kids.

And those families should be getting tax breaks and cheaper food!

And the odd case of free beer from time to time!

[GoinAllTheWay]

I'd be very much interested in hearing her "reasons" for having a 3rd kid. Willing to bet none of them really make much sense. Did she always dream of having 3 or is this just one of those situation where the babies have grown up and she wants to experience that again? If so, terrible reason to have another baby.

You already have two healthy kids, demanding a 3rd really is a little much.

But I totally understand where you are coming from as far as the strain it can put on a realationship. You don't want to, she does. It's really not a position you can compromise on as one is going to not get what they want.

[Muta]

It's the woman instinct. There's no logic to it, just an irrational thought process that efficiently weeds out finances, consumption of resources, stress levels, physical space considerations and any other real world factor.

[Locke]

There should be a special ID card for the childless. So when you go to a restaurant you get special treatment.

"Oh, you dont have children? Come right this way sir, we have a special table in the back so you dont have to share space with these screaming spawn, we also have the real menu, you of course arent going to eat the same swill that we slop into their sucking feed-holes....say, would you like some cognac? On the house...."

Oh, what a world it would be....

[TurdFerguson]

Originally Posted by Locke

There should be a special ID card for the childless. So when you go to a restaurant you get special treatment.

"Oh, you dont have children? Come right this way sir, we have a special table in the back so you dont have to share space with these screaming spawn, we also have the real menu, you of course arent going to eat the same swill that we slop into their sucking feed-holes....say, would you like some cognac? On the house...."

Oh, what a world it would be....

As a parent to a 4th month old and a 2 year old, i already feel you have that privilege in that you get to go to a restaurant. Ah those were the days...

soon enough though I will care less about my kids behavior in public and you will suffer for it.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by TurdFerguson

As a parent to a 4th month old and a 2 year old, i already feel you have that privilege in that you get to go to a restaurant. Ah those were the days...

soon enough though I will care less about my kids behavior in public and you will suffer for it.

I know. And its wildly unjust.

[Ruttiger]

Originally Posted by Muta

Why are women so gung-ho about kids? This planet is overpopulated as is, and ANOTHER kid would just take up valuable oxygen from the rest of us.

Maybe some people are using up more than their fare share of oxygen as it is.....

[GoinAllTheWay]

The days of restraunts asking "Smoking or Non Smoking?" are now long gone. Maybe now they should be asking "Kids or No kids?".

[oilyfan]

Originally Posted by GoinAllTheWay

The days of restraunts asking "Smoking or Non Smoking?" are now long gone. Maybe now they should be asking "Kids or No kids?".

With many restaurants not having high chairs I think they are sending the message of "no kids" already.