Former lobster restaurant employee admits to arson after....

[Sr. Mints]

Original article

Former lobster restaurant employee admits to burning down 16th Ave. location after years of ‘shovelling that #### onto plates’ caused him to snap

CALGARY – Investigators with the Calgary Fire Dept. say they’ve uncovered the motives behind a mysterious fire at a restaurant in the city’s N.W. in the fall of 2011, that forced the closure of the chain restaurant.

Former sous chef, Steven White (26), has been charged with arson, mischief, criminal insanity, and failure to know how to cook worth a goddamn, after turning himself into police last week.

Duty Insp. Paul Reinhold issued a statement on the investigation.

“Mr. White admitted to investigators that he simply got tired of watching people come through the doors thinking they were getting quality food,” said Reinhold.

“At the end of his shift on Oct. 15, 2011, [White] created a bonfire in the kitchen with the intention of burning the live lobsters in a ritual sacrifice which he hoped would ‘appease the Goddess of Cooking.’ Things appear to have got out of hand quickly, and the fire spread to the rest of the kitchen. Mr. White panicked and fled the scene.”

White’s lawyer, Edmund McQuillen, says his client is remorseful of the incident, and deserves leniency in his sentencing.

“I mean, come on . . . Have you been to that restaurant?” McQuillen asked reporters. “He was doing this fine city a favour as far as I’m concerned.

"Besides, my client is clearly insane. Everybody knows the Goddess of Cooking is not in the office from August to January."

The Goddess of Cooking could not be reached by telephone, but a statement was emailed to Urban Anomie stating they “do not wish to be affiliated with this quack ( . . .) please never contact us again.”

Sentencing is to take place on Aug. 22.

[Temporary_User]

What is the story behind these fake news stories that have been getting posted lately?

[worth]

Maybe you should just start a Sr. Mints fake news thread or something...

[nfotiu]

Man, that is really not funny. Seems to be way too much bad satire out there on the internet. Isn't the point of satire (or at least good satire) to subtly and cleverly criticize something worthy of criticism? I have no idea what the point of this article or the other one were. Writing a fake, outlandish story with no point should not qualify as anything other than un-funny fake news.

[CaptainCrunch]

Everyone wants to write for the Onion, the problem with that is most people don't have the talent to write for the Onion.

Maybe stick to knock knock jokes at family reunions.

[Bertuzzied]

True story bro. We were at this red lobster for lunch with a bunch of SAIT execs. New waiter guy who just started the nite before, dumped 4 entrees onto the Registrar. hhahahhaha. She had frigging butter sauce in her hair. The entire table was howling.

She lives in a parasite community so she didn't really have time to go home and change, so she hit the showers at the gym and had to attend a meeting with Farmer Stelmach wearing a Sait Trojans tshirt and a pair of sweats. haha I don't think Red Lobster even covered her meal!

[corporatejay]

wow, you almost had me fooled.. HI-larious.

[Northendzone]

i like eating at red lobster - of course i understand that it is to seafood like macdonalds is to fine steaks - but i still like to tasty and flaky rolls they bring.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by Bertuzzied

True story bro. We were at this red lobster for lunch with a bunch of SAIT execs. New waiter guy who just started the nite before, dumped 4 entrees onto the Registrar. hhahahhaha. She had frigging butter sauce in her hair. The entire table was howling.

She lives in a parasite community so she didn't really have time to go home and change, so she hit the showers at the gym and had to attend a meeting with Farmer Stelmach wearing a Sait Trojans tshirt and a pair of sweats. haha I don't think Red Lobster even covered her meal!

Sounds like a date with Fotze's mamma

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by Northendzone

i like eating at red lobster - of course i understand that it is to seafood like macdonalds is to fine steaks - but i still like to tasty and flaky rolls they bring.

Your post tells me you have never been in their kitchen...........

[Bertuzzied]

It's really weird. Vancouver has some of the best seafood places, but they don't have a Red Lobster. Whenever i have friends or relatives visit from there, the first place they want to go is Red Lobster! hahaha

Because of their commercials...... power of advertising!!

[CaptainCrunch]

OMG this lobster is stale.

That's ok we'll cover it with this sauce. Oh and open up another can of those crab legs.

Ugh

[troutman]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Everyone wants to write for the Onion, the problem with that is most people don't have the talent to write for the Onion.

And the Onion is never that funny to begin with. Obvious broad humor, that would make even Jay Leno blush.