So a couple of guys in our circle of friends got married in the last year and after a recent night of a case of beer and some rum and cokes, the two finally admitted that a huge reason why they married the girls was because they were afraid they'd be lonely for the rest of their life. They've always had that fear of never finding another girl who'd marry them.
The first guy is a complete shy and anti-social type, and although we're happy that when he did find a girl like him, we got a little worried when he proposed not even a year in. We're starting to see that she's the quiet controlling type. He's not allowed to go to pool halls, limited to only one drink a night and not allowed to play video games. 10 months later, She seems bored with him. She starts going clubbing without him and meets another guy. New guy and her becomes "friends" and starts hanging out with the couple. A lot. Although he wont admit it, you can visibly see that he's bothered by it but wont speak up.
The Second guy isnt as quiet as the first one, but certainly has insecurity issues. The girl he married, although seemingly nice, she is a planner. She has a plan of how he's going to propose to her, how their wedding is going to look, how their house is going to look and the names of their 3 kids. Ever since they screwed up the colour of the vests on the groomsmen, she's been a non stop princess who's always complaining. Fast forward months later and he's grown a backbone and starts arguing back. Now its where its almost every time we see them.
I'm not going to meddle so I'm not looking for advice, but I am curious how a married couple like them would look in couple more years.
Have any friends who are like this and are still stuck in marriage?
Love is a battlefield. Pat Benatar was right.
In both instances, the wives don't respect the husbands. They've acquired objects versus relationships.
The first guy is doomed. It's already over. He's lost her, even as he may have never had her in the first place.
The second guy is gaining confidence and fighting for respect while the wife is getting confused, not quite understanding why her normally compliant pile of puddy is no longer in the mold she envisioned. She's on her way to becoming an equal partner in the relationship versus the dominant personality. That will be better for her in the end but she's probably not liking it at the moment.
I lived the second scenario, like a lot of guys apparently, and 28 years later it's a partnership with equal respect.
If you're lucky, your wife will eventually become your closest confidant and best friend.
Cowperson
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I'm curious - were you friends the guys first or the girls first in these situations?
Mostly the guys. Though couples 1 & 2 existed in high school so I've known both the girls and guys for like 20 years. In couple #3 I was friends with the girl first. The rest of them, the guys. The girls were the newcomers.
“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.”
“Marriage is the surrender of the individual to the duad.”
Surrender to the duad. What a glorious phrase, but at the time, I hadn’t experienced anything
like it. He explained that in a true marriage, decisions are made based on what’s best for the couple
rather than either individual. The partners place the welfare of the duad above their individual desires
and needs.
This is probably somewhat true, and I would agree that ideally everyone should not rush headlong into marriage. Having said that, there are all sorts of mitigating factors that will determine the outcome of individual marriages, and I think you are probably making too much of the "scarcity perspective". For the record, I was married when I was twenty, am still perfectly satisfied, and will be celebrating my twentieth anniversary this August.
Things are a bit different than 20 years ago in my opinion. 30 is the new 20. Woman are much more powerful and rightfully they should be. They are all over the workplace, they are more indepandant. I'm finding alot of women these days are far more interested in there careers than even most men are. I love what I do for work, but I work hard to play hard. I'd rather work less. It is all about making money for me. I then invest some of that money so I can work less. I think women work hard cause they love the power and security of knowing they can do it on there own, instead of money. They don't need us as much as they use too. I believe nowadays it is alot harder to find the right one and one should take a lot longer to move in, marry, etc.
I am driven by money and sex. Like most men, I'd say. Some just won't admit it cause it sounds more shallow then it actually is. Women I feel are driven by other variables like becoming more powerful and successful. They love the title more than men.
With that being said I'm sure one day I'll settle again. Just this time it needs to be right. I'm not doing what I did twice. It really messes you up for a while and it costs a darn good penny. This is another reason why marriages succeed most people are not willing to partways with the money they have.
Until they realize that their ex would get 1/2 of their winnings..
True to an extent. However that being said it's easier to divorce someone and each walkaway with 5million, then it is to divorce someone and walk away with 100K or evenworse debt!
Until they realize that their ex would get 1/2 of their winnings..
A guy comes home from work one day, and says enthusiastically to his wife.
Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery.
She says, that's fantastic, where are we going?
He says, I don't care where you go, just get out of the house.
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We share almost identical interests, opinions, personalities, basically everything. It is important to be with someone almost exactly like you. Opposites do not attract. There are certainly small differences that make life more enjoyable, but you have to share fundamental premises.
That was a pretty good list (especially the going for groceries part) but I'm not sure I agree with this one.
My wife and I don't have identical interests, opinions and personalities. We do have very similar values and backgrounds. We're definitely not exactly alike, but I wouldn't describe us as opposites. We're complementary.
They aren't trivial differences either. She's very organized/structured/disciplined. I'm a spur-of-the-moment/think-outside-the-box/go-with-the-flow kind of guy. I appreciate the structure she brings to my life and I'm pretty sure she appreciates the spontaneity I have brought to her life.
We both have a deep commitment to each other and our family.
Here's a real world example... she reads novels and always has a dozen of them on hold at the library. When I read, it is usually non-fiction and I practically pull a book off the shelf at random. But we both like to read and spend time at home in each other's company.
If one of us liked to stay home and read and the other liked to go clubbing, I don't think that would work.
Mostly the guys. Though couples 1 & 2 existed in high school so I've known both the girls and guys for like 20 years. In couple #3 I was friends with the girl first. The rest of them, the guys. The girls were the newcomers.
Interesting - it just seemed like for the most part, the women initiated it, so was wondering which "side" you might be on.
Thanks for answering.
[/LIST] That was a pretty good list (especially the going for groceries part) but I'm not sure I agree with this one.
My wife and I don't have identical interests, opinions and personalities. We do have very similar values and backgrounds. We're definitely not exactly alike, but I wouldn't describe us as opposites. We're complementary.
They aren't trivial differences either. She's very organized/structured/disciplined. I'm a spur-of-the-moment/think-outside-the-box/go-with-the-flow kind of guy. I appreciate the structure she brings to my life and I'm pretty sure she appreciates the spontaneity I have brought to her life.
We both have a deep commitment to each other and our family.
Here's a real world example... she reads novels and always has a dozen of them on hold at the library. When I read, it is usually non-fiction and I practically pull a book off the shelf at random. But we both like to read and spend time at home in each other's company.
If one of us liked to stay home and read and the other liked to go clubbing, I don't think that would work.
Yeah, that is sort of what I was trying to condense. You did a much better job. Similarly, my girlfriend likes to paint, and I like to write. We can do both in the same room. We both like to go to the gym, but my girlfriend is far more athletic than I will ever be.
I think complementary is important, but to be that way, you need a lot of similarities not to think the other person is a weirdo. Because, generally, when you reach a certain level of intimacy in a relationship, you basically get exposed to every single irritating aspect to a person, and you've got to be okay with that. It's also better to think those things are hilarious. Like, hearing my girlfriend blow her nose like an elephant in the shower every morning.
I'd really love to hear about some of your experiences.
I am 8 months into "moving in" with my girlfriend, and while the first 3 months or so were quite hard, it has turned into a period of day-to-day bliss.
Few things:
We share almost identical interests, opinions, personalities, basically everything. It is important to be with someone almost exactly like you. Opposites do not attract. There are certainly small differences that make life more enjoyable, but you have to share fundamental premises.
We do almost everything together, and enjoy it. This includes trips to the grocery store.
We don't have a lot of money (mid-twenties in school with loans, rent, etc...), but this doesn't get in the way of us having fun. We have never had a money fight, ever.
You start to realize that while big gestures are a lot of fun, it is the little acts of love, and affection that generate the most positive good will.
Obey a simple algorithm - relationship stability = frequency of lovemaking - frequency of quarrels. On almost every given week, we make it well into the positive side of that equation. Just from experience, weeks that go into the negative are bad.
And of course, communicating your feelings, and apologizing for miscommunication.
That is outstanding. However I'm curious what she thinks of tweed coats?
