Straw Poll: Hated/loved for who you are

[zuluking]

Originally Posted by FLAMESRULE

Agreed on being diplomatic, acting like a ######bag, etc and not turning into a sociopath...I would consider my personality quite normal / average. However, there are certain times when you need to show a backbone and not relent to the guilt / shame or other emotion that people will use to try and "force" you to change your mind because it would be easier on them.

Backstory: Grandpa is a drunk + emotionally abuses lots of people in his life including his wife and children. I finally had enough and said I'm done with them in my life and wont be attending any functions they are at becuase I do not condone their actions or behaviour. Cue family onslaught that this is the worst decision ever. I would never be able to look at myself the same if I give in too family pressure because I feel very strongly that something needs to change to stop the abuse. I dont feel ashamed for it at all, however, getting martyred sucks and it would be much easier to relent.

Sounds like you're punishing your whole family because they don't know how to deal with Gramps. His wife and children (one of them being your mother or father, I presume) are being emotionally abused by Gramps and now you're going to do the same in protest of them allowing it to happen. Are you making them choose between their dad/husband or you? Lose / lose situation? I'm struggling to find the logic.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by Sliver

So if you have an opinion about something that you know will hurt them in some way, and telling them won't help them at all, would you still give your opinion? If so, I probably wouldn't want you around either. Little white lies to people are necessary, I've found. Especially if your default opinion is negative (mine often is). I get along way better with people if I keep my negativity to myself and am more positive around them. CP is where I let my negativity shine.

I think you bring up something that is valid that I did not communicate properly.

As my wife says, I normally don't say much unless it is a 'teaching moment'. If someone comes to me and asks me some advice, I tell them what i think will best help them, I don't just tell them something that will make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That doesn't mean I don't try and be diplomatic to some extent, but I know that I am not always successful.

Its not like I say "Hey, I think you should do this with that problem you are having, and by the way you are a bitch too." Being rude and hurtful, just for the sake of being rude and hurtful is not what I am about, but I won't deny that sometimes my social ineptness might make it come across that way.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by fotze

I bet rathji thinks he's a bigger jerk than he is.

He's like the nicest poster here who never gets into with anyone, I have doubts about his jerkiness.

I see you are good at the sarcasm thing too!

[FLAMESRULE]

Originally Posted by zuluking

Sounds like you're punishing your whole family because they don't know how to deal with Gramps. His wife and children (one of them being your mother or father, I presume) are being emotionally abused by Gramps and now you're going to do the same in protest of them allowing it to happen. Are you making them choose between their dad/husband or you? Lose / lose situation? I'm struggling to find the logic.

There is no intention to punish my parents. But why should I (or anyone) have to tolerate/allow that kind of behaviour to continue. IMO all it does is propogate through other relationships becuase no one is able to stand up and say enough. People continually get hurt / attacked and yet they continue to go back.

The choice is 100% theirs and I am under no illusions that people wouldnt get hurt. But at the end of the day I'm not allowing myself to suffer any of the abuse.

Amen Cowperson...live happy. At the end of the day, thats what this is all about. I am much happier not having to think about them, dwell on the hurt, feel the abuse. I've said my goodbyes and am comfortable with the decision. I agree with the feeling that I'm probably being categorized the same way...

[zuluking]

Originally Posted by FLAMESRULE

There is no intention to punish my parents. But why should I (or anyone) have to tolerate/allow that kind of behaviour to continue. IMO all it does is propogate through other relationships becuase no one is able to stand up and say enough. People continually get hurt / attacked and yet they continue to go back.

The choice is 100% theirs and I am under no illusions that people wouldnt get hurt. But at the end of the day I'm not allowing myself to suffer any of the abuse.

Amen Cowperson...live happy. At the end of the day, thats what this is all about. I am much happier not having to think about them, dwell on the hurt, feel the abuse. I've said my goodbyes and am comfortable with the decision. I agree with the feeling that I'm probably being categorized the same way...

My sister went through an awful relationship that was emotionally abusive. I told her what I thought of it and figured I'd make a stand by ostracizing her (by avoiding family situations where she and the dbag were attending, which weren't many because he was such a dbag.) Ultimately and thankfully, the relationship ended and she was able to tell me how absolutely devestating it was to lose our relationship at a time where she couldn't see her way forward. And to regain our sibling relationship was difficult and awkward - after all, it is a trust thing that is far easier to lose than to earn. It's all good now, but in retrospect, the worst decision I could have made.

Sometimes it is less about your own suffering and more about helping others that are. And the most difficult part is knowing that they have to find their own way out and you can't just solve it for everyone. Sadly, Gramps probably won't change his colors, so it may only end when he passes away. Until then, I would suggest you support your folks and lend them strength. I highly doubt that long-term you will "live happy" by adding to your family's unhappiness.

(Of course, keeping in mind that there's probably alot more to it than one paragraph in this thread.)