My wife & I are separating

[McG]

Lots of decent advice in this thread.

Protect your children, yourself, and the future.

Some would argue that they are all the same thing...and maybe they are.

I would find a way to do what you have to do to protect those 3 things, and then find a way to move forward.

[BigBrodieFan]

One thing I learned in my divorce was that the house/cars/furniture didn't matter. I just wanted OUT and wanted my kids OUT, so I left. I probably gave up a lot of 'things' but the overall goal was achieved and although it took a little time to get things ironed out, my kids grew up in a much better situation than they would have had I stayed with my ex husband. It wasn't easy being a single mom for a awhile- but the old saying of 'Why do people get divorced? Because it's worth it' is so true in my case.

Good luck hon ((hugs)).

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

Update to this thread...

Got served with divorce papers on New Years Eve!! I was under the impression that we could resolve our differences through mediation but she ended up doing this behind my back.

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

There's more to the story than I've told...
We've been separated for just over a year. About 6 months ago, her boyfriend moved in and they live in my house with my kids and his kids too!!

Was it really behind your back if you were separated and she had moved her boyfriend and his kids into your house? Did you think mediation would get him out of the house and you back in? Would you even want to resolve this situation and be back together with her after that?

I feel for you and I wish you the best, but it appears the papers have been a long time coming. It sucks on the timing, but it allows the healing to begin instead of delaying the inevitable. Plus, on NYE there are lots of people to drink with you and girls should be lining up to make you feel better at midnight.

[mikey_the_redneck]

Originally Posted by SHOGUN

Too many people are getting married so soon leading to divorce.... I'll be considering marriage when I'm at least 35+...

The statistical trends show that people are indeed waiting longer than ever to get married.

I think we have a broken culture.

Btw if you don't consider marriage until 35+, you better be finding a younger woman as female fertility can become an issue at that age.

[CrazyCaper]

The mediation wasn't to try and fix our marriage. It was to resolve the outstanding issues like our home, child support and custody. I had no urge to try and reconcile our marriage. It was long over before I had moved out. Mediation is a much more financially reasonable alternative to hiring a lawyer and trying to bleed me dry. I have calls into several lawyers myself and just want this whole ordeal to be fair.

Originally Posted by squiggs96

Was it really behind your back if you were separated and she had moved her boyfriend and his kids into your house? Did you think mediation would get him out of the house and you back in? Would you even want to resolve this situation and be back together with her after that?

I feel for you and I wish you the best, but it appears the papers have been a long time coming. It sucks on the timing, but it allows the healing to begin instead of delaying the inevitable. Plus, on NYE there are lots of people to drink with you and girls should be lining up to make you feel better at midnight.

[justkidding]

Originally Posted by MrMastodonFarm

Two people in love and committed to each other is great, but they don't have to get married.

What does it matter? If they are living together it is the same thing anyway, AFAIK.

[woob]

Lots of good advice in here. I find one of the things I had to focus on was removing emotion from the decision making process in regards to the separation and dividing assets. This is still ongoing with us, but it's been very peaceful because we both came to the separation decision amicably. We still yell at each other now and then but most of the big stuff gets handled with mature and level headed discussion, which isn't always the case with separations/divorces. We didn't have any kids, only a dog and two cats, so that makes things less complicated. I tried to trade my half share of the cats for her half share of the dog, but I got shot down. So she has full custody of the cats and we share the dog haha. (Never having cats again!!) Good luck, stay peaceful as much as possible, and hopefully this will all be done sooner rather than later.

[REDVAN]

Originally Posted by justkidding

What does it matter? If they are living together it is the same thing anyway, AFAIK.

I think that's what he's saying...

As for the issue, I've had some break-ups here in my mid-late 20s that hurt like hell, I can only imagine how bad it'd be if I had kids on top of that. I know my world was turned upside down for a long, long, long time.

Not sure how old you are, or how old the kids are, but I feel bad for you and your situation. Good luck, and keep your head up!

[return to the red]

Originally Posted by mikey_the_redneck

The statistical trends show that people are indeed waiting longer than ever to get married.

I think we have a broken culture.

Btw if you don't consider marriage until 35+, you better be finding a younger woman as female fertility can become an issue at that age.

I believe there are many factors that play a role in today's idea of marriage. The internet, popular culture and technology are all factors in why marriages this day and age are failing more than succeeding.

It seems now like it's widely accepted that you get married, have kids, get divorced and rinse and repeat, which in my mind is utterly appalling.

When I went through my divorce my one friend said to me "well statistics say it was going to be you or me" but why should it be this way? It's far too easy to get married these days and it's even easier to get divorced. Maybe if it was more difficult to get divorced people would think long and hard about getting married in the first place.


sorry for the rambling I guess I should have just said "Damn You Interwebs and Technology!"

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by MrMastodonFarm

Two people in love and committed to each other is great, but they don't have to get married.

True, but the thread is about a marital breakup.

[troutman]

Life-long monogamous marriages are difficult, and we could possibly have a separate discussion thread on whether such marriages are sustainable, natural, or beneficial.

[Locke]

Yeah, I've experienced a few breakups and they were rough, and thats when I was younger and my cure-all was a bottle of scotch and another girl. Preferably at the same time.

In a much more mature relationship? That would be rough.

To be perfectly honest (thank you Darryl!) though, I have to commend you, I think if I were in your situation I'd probably want to impact some serious vengeance on both the ex and new-boy. The fac that you're not either doing that or acting on it is commendable.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by Locke

Yeah, I've experienced a few breakups and they were rough, and thats when I was younger and my cure-all was a bottle of scotch and another girl. Preferably at the same time.

In a much more mature relationship? That would be rough.

To be perfectly honest (thank you Darryl!) though, I have to commend you, I think if I were in your situation I'd probably want to impact some serious vengeance on both the ex and new-boy. The fac that you're not either doing that or acting on it is commendable.

Honestly, there is lots of time for that later when she tries to simultaneously screw over his visitation, neglect his kids, and call social services on him every month to try and build a case to get his parental rights stripped.

Until then, no sense drawing blood.

[Yrebmi]

Is it just me, or does it seem like 2011 was a crazy year for multiple marriages ending.
Wish I read off topic section more often - would have helped me a lot.

My wife of 16 years left in May. She became a different person, or showed a side I simply could not have believed existed. She left the kids too, and does not seem to want them. I am still trying to come to grips with being a single dad. No papers or lawyers yet, but I do think she called child social services on me (which backfired on her as they basically called me a good parent and her a poor one).
I think she is crazy - but then pretty much anyone who has had an ex calls them that.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Rathji

Honestly, there is lots of time for that later when she tries to simultaneously screw over his visitation, neglect his kids, and call social services on him every month to try and build a case to get his parental rights stripped.

Until then, no sense drawing blood.

No matter, its a situation that I think I'd have a very hard time abiding.

[troutman]

^^^ From my years as a divorce lawyer, mental illness in one of the partners, is a common cause of divorce. Also, gambling, substance abuse, homosexuality, infidelity, violence and simply growing apart.

From the people I met, I would estimate half of married couples sleep in separate bed-rooms.

[scotty2hotty]

Originally Posted by troutman

^^^ From my years as a divorce lawyer, mental illness in one of the partners, is a common cause of divorce. Also, gambling, substance abuse, homosexuality, infidelity, violence and simply growing apart.

From the people I met, I would estimate half of married couples sleep in separate bed-rooms.

I was reading a book recently (may have been Change Your Mind, Change Your Body by Daniel Amen, but I'm not sure) where he mentions a pet theory of his that a major cause of divorce is hormonal changes brought on by unhealthy lifestyles. Essentially, years or decades of unhealthy eating and other lifestyle habits bring about predictable hormonal and neurotransmitter changes. This leads people to 'fall out of love', no longer have any libido, addictions, become 'different people', etc.

He said it would be interesting to put people on healthy lifestyle programs before the option of divorce to see if things change. People were in love once ... what changed as they got older?

Again, was just a pet theory of his and I am greatly paraphrasing. Interesting none the less.

[mikey_the_redneck]

Originally Posted by return to the red

I believe there are many factors that play a role in today's idea of marriage. The internet, popular culture and technology are all factors in why marriages this day and age are failing more than succeeding.

It seems now like it's widely accepted that you get married, have kids, get divorced and rinse and repeat, which in my mind is utterly appalling.

When I went through my divorce my one friend said to me "well statistics say it was going to be you or me" but why should it be this way? It's far too easy to get married these days and it's even easier to get divorced. Maybe if it was more difficult to get divorced people would think long and hard about getting married in the first place.


sorry for the rambling I guess I should have just said "Damn You Interwebs and Technology!"

I agree.

It's a shame really. The family institution is so broken down in the west.

I would rather not ever get married than get involved in the circus of divorce court.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by scotty2hotty

I was reading a book recently (may have been Change Your Mind, Change Your Body by Daniel Amen, but I'm not sure) where he mentions a pet theory of his that a major cause of divorce is hormonal changes brought on by unhealthy lifestyles. Essentially, years or decades of unhealthy eating and other lifestyle habits bring about predictable hormonal and neurotransmitter changes. This leads people to 'fall out of love', no longer have any libido, addictions, become 'different people', etc.

He said it would be interesting to put people on healthy lifestyle programs before the option of divorce to see if things change. People were in love once ... what changed as they got older?

Again, was just a pet theory of his and I am greatly paraphrasing. Interesting none the less.

Not just unhealthy lifestyles. There is an interesting exhibit at the new Science Center called "Your Brain On Love". A graph shows how your brain waves change over the length of a relationship.



Your Brain in Love
Cupid's arrows, laced with neurotransmitters, find their marks
http://www.scientificamerican.com/ar...-love-graphsci

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

[CaptainCrunch]

I think that marriages should be done in limited term contracts with divorce costs clearly laid out in the contract.

I mean what's the harm if the first contract is for 5 years of marital bliss with a 1 year walk away clause. If your still madly in love at the end of the first contract then you can renew for another 5 years or 10 years or lifetime.