Modern Day Casanova Ideas

[flamesfever]

I agree, the word "commitment" seems to possibly be the problem, although you both seem to have started your relationship pretty young for today's standards.

I think being honest with her is the best approach. Perhaps telling her how you feel, and if commitment is the problem, why you feel this way. Is it due to something in your childhood experience?

You are also going to have to validate her feelings, and show a considerable amount of empathy and understanding.

I think two - two month breaks from each other at your ages, is not a big deal. You've obviously put up with each other much longer than a lot of married couples, and there must be something fairly positive to the relationship.

I guess I feel if you are meant for each other, you'll be together, and if not, you won't.

[Phanuthier]

I feel really bad for OP, as the saying would go, "love is blind." With 7 years of history, one fancy date isn't gonna sweep her off her feet - there is too much history. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to love yourself for being alone. If you can do that, it'll help you a lot in future relationships. Best of luck with everything.

[CaptainCrunch]

Dudddde, if you like love something set it free . . . if it comes back its like yours . . . if it doesn't relentlessly stalk it . . . leave really weird notes and nail its pet to the door . . . and it will come back to you.

[VladtheImpaler]

I lol'd - thank you, sir.

[flames85]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

I agree, the word "commitment" seems to possibly be the problem, although you both seem to have started your relationship pretty young for today's standards.

I think being honest with her is the best approach. Perhaps telling her how you feel, and if commitment is the problem, why you feel this way. Is it due to something in your childhood experience?

You are also going to have to validate her feelings, and show a considerable amount of empathy and understanding.

I think two - two month breaks from each other at your ages, is not a big deal. You've obviously put up with each other much longer than a lot of married couples, and there must be something fairly positive to the relationship.

I guess I feel if you are meant for each other, you'll be together, and if not, you won't.

Are you a councillor? Because my parents went through a terrible divorce when i was younger. (not making excuses)...
Really appreciated your post!


I was scared to take the next step earlier on, when i was in college. But i made a mistake and learnt from it, and know i am ready now. The mistake helped me see what i had. I am only human.

And to all you knocking me for buying a promise ring, i did it because thats all i could afford! I just finished college, and i wanna show her how i am committed. Some of you understand, and some of you obviously haven't been though something this hard.

[flamesfever]

Originally Posted by flames85

Are you a councillor? Because my parents went through a terrible divorce when i was younger. (not making excuses)...
Really appreciated your post!


I was scared to take the next step earlier on, when i was in college. But i made a mistake and learnt from it, and know i am ready now. The mistake helped me see what i had. I am only human.

And to all you knocking me for buying a promise ring, i did it because thats all i could afford! I just finished college, and i wanna show her how i am committed. Some of you understand, and some of you obviously haven't been though something this hard.

No I am not a counselor. I went through somewhat the same experience with my wife before we got married.

We will be celebrating our 50th Wedding Anniversary next year, so I guess our relationship was worth salvaging.

[Yeah_Baby]

I'm late to this party, but I think if you're over the age of 13 promise rings are asinine. No wait, it's asinine at 13 too .

[Table 5]

Originally Posted by Phanuthier

The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to love yourself for being alone.

Pretty sure he's going to be loving himself plenty if he's all alone.

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by Table 5

Pretty sure he's going to be loving himself plenty if he's all alone.

damn it i have to learn how to post on message boards... but yes

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by flames85

Are you a councillor? Because my parents went through a terrible divorce when i was younger. (not making excuses)...
Really appreciated your post!


I was scared to take the next step earlier on, when i was in college. But i made a mistake and learnt from it, and know i am ready now. The mistake helped me see what i had. I am only human.

And to all you knocking me for buying a promise ring, i did it because thats all i could afford! I just finished college, and i wanna show her how i am committed. Some of you understand, and some of you obviously haven't been though something this hard.

Two points, first you really arn't really sure, just scared witless right now, so drop that line.

It doesn't mean you can't be commited, but you cannot be sure in the turmoil of the break up.
A few months down the road all the same fears you have from watching your parents go through hell may well come up again, in fact you are a classic male child of a lousy divorce, scared to be alone and scared of the pain a relationship might bring.

Second there is nothing you can 'do', it is unfair and foolish to try and 'fix' things, you need to be yourself, if she doesn't want who you are, so be it, breaking up isn't the worst thing in the world, in fact the pair of you would likely be better off with a few years apart doing some growing up.

My mate in the UK married his childhood sweetheart, everyone but me thought it was sweet and romantic, I thought they both needed to grow up some, a decade later she damn near destroyed him by leaving him for another guy, he had no experience to fall back on when it ended, and frankly neither did she when the other sleazy b***** started chatting her up at a low point in their marriage, if they had both been through some failed relationships it likley wouldn't have happened.

[JFK]

OP, don't just go and spend money on her. If you've been with her for 7 years, I don't imagine she'll be wow'd and suddenly trust you after you throw your wallet around. Do something more meaningful, and something that takes effort on your part. Someone said to write her a letter, and as fruity as that sounds, it'd probably be a very good start.

Don't want to drop a pretentious12 bomb here, but some snippets from the book The Psychology Of Persuasion: Influence, by Robert B Cialdini:

"...as a commitment device, a written declaration has some great advantages. First, it provides physical evidence that the act occured....
....A second advantage of a written testament is that it can be shown to other people. Of course, that means it can be used to persuade those people. It can persuade them to change their own attitudes in the direction of the statement. But more important for the purpose of commitment, it can persuade them that the author genuinely believes what was written. People have a natural tendency to think that a statement reflects the true attitude of the person who made it.
....Once an active commitment is made, then, self-image is squeezed from both sides by consistency pressures. From the inside, there is a pressure to bring self-image into line with action. From the outside, there is a sneakier pressure - a tendency to adjust this image according to the way others perceive us. And because others see us as believing what we have written, we will once again experience a pull to bring self-image into line with the written statement."



Try and think about everything you feel for her, and everything you want with her, and write it down. That will probably mean more to her than taking her out for a fancy dinner, etc.

I'm kind of drunk right now though, so what do I know?1?

[algernon]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

No I am not a counselor. I went through somewhat the same experience with my wife before we got married.

We will be celebrating our 50th Wedding Anniversary next year, so I guess our relationship was worth salvaging.

Hold on.
50 years??? that means you are at least, what, 63? maybe even 70?
Wow. Just wow, that would make you even older than R. Dunlop.

[moncton golden flames]

Originally Posted by Canada 02

while grand gestures are nice, it will be a temporary diversion from "tough times"

what makes a relationship work is the small everyday things that are done for each other just because. when you have that down pat, the grand gestures become special and more than a diversion

i'd suggest doing everyday things together. Cook a meal together, and I don't know, talk? No tv, no phone, no interruptions

i was just about to say the same thing.

it's best to spread out the special things, so that it keeps everything more fresh. one big day is desperate and makes her happy once in a blue moon, but many smaller good days help spread out her happiness and keeps things level.

[troutman]

As a former divorce lawyer, I would say that mid-20s is too early for most people to consider marriage. The success rate is higher when you are more mature. You are still finding your way in the world. You will both go through many changes still. Travel, learn, work, have fun.

[Cactus Jack]

Like has been said, fancy gestures and gifts won't do it. If you did lay it all on the table, you just have to be patient if you have any shot. Live your life and be as close as a friend/acquiantance as she will allow to show her you'll give her time. Live a good life for yourself and show her you're willing to wait as long as it takes. You have no other choice. Don't pressure her

[REDVAN]

Beg her to take you back. Depending on what you did to f it up, she may or may not take you back.

7 years is a long time, and I doubt she'd want to throw it away unless there are serious issues and you both refuse to work through them.

[alltherage]

The best way to get a woman's attention is not to give her very much, and to give other girls a little more. Like her hot friend.. or your own hot friend that she's always been a little bit jealous of.

Be kind of border-line dick, but show flashes of attraction. tease her in non-personal ways a little bit. Catch her off guard with some confidence and act like you're God's gift. Then a little tender touch here or say something nice with some eye contact... she'll be yours.

DO NOT BEG. REDVAN... That's a death wish.

[Eastern Girl]

So, the best way to show this woman he is committed to her is to mostly ignore her, while throwing in the occasional compliment and showing interest in other women? Seems possible that is exactly what got him where he is now.

That might be the best way to just get laid by a young girl that has little confidence or self esteem, but doesn't seem likely the way to go about it in this case if he really does want to be with her for the rest of his life.

[alltherage]

Originally Posted by Eastern Girl

So, the best way to show this woman he is committed to her is to mostly ignore her, while throwing in the occasional compliment and showing interest in other women? Seems possible that is exactly what got him where he is now.

That might be the best way to just get laid by a young girl that has little confidence or self esteem, but doesn't seem likely the way to go about it in this case if he really does want to be with her for the rest of his life.

No... you're not showing her you're committed to her, you're getting her to realize her true feelings for you by giving her a taste of not being together.

I know you are a woman... but usually what women think they want versus what actually makes them tick is completely different.

[alltherage]

Originally Posted by fotze

So you know what makes Eastern Girl tick better than Eastern girl?

... It is extrememly difficult to know yourself, and even when people are enlightened to it, they often reject it.

"He who knows others is wise;
He who know himself is enlightened."
-Lao-tzu