Elderly parents - Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community

Pinner · 03-08-2010, 09:08 AM

How the heck do you slow down a stubborn mid 70's parent before they crash their car or fall down the stairs

Stubborn would be an understatement, impossible would be a better word.

She gets dizzy/loses her balance regularly, tried to get this diagnosed without luck...

I believe she "self medicates" ie, takes meds when she thinks she needs to, (one of these or two of these etc.)

Yeah I know, as I wrote that I realize that needs to be controlled first... but how, raid the house and steal her drugs ?

How can you control what she takes, she's too active as well, volunteering for the church etc.

Outsiders don't realize how bad off she is so they let her do things she shouldn't be doing.

Once again, I'm afraid she will take a bad fall or crash her car, she lives in an ultra small town and hardly drives.

If we could slow her down it would help alot.

CGYTransplant · 03-08-2010, 09:31 AM

As for being out and about and doing things, frankly, there's nothing you can do. If she wants to volunteer at the church, she's going to do that...and there is also a growing body of evidence that shows engaging in social activity increases the quality and length of life for seniors...so maybe volunteering isn't such a bad thing.

As for the drugs- is it possible that she forgets, or gets confused with her medications? You can ask the pharmacist to bubble-pack them, so all the meds she needs to take on Monday at breakfast are in one bubble, and all the meds she needs Monday at lunch are in a second bubble, etc. If she is just NOT TAKING the meds until it suits her, there is nothing you can do, short of getting her constant supervision and forcing her to take her meds. I also know that for some, cost is a major concern- so they spread out the meds they take, to make them last longer. Maybe check into her pharmaceutical coverage, see if that could be a reason.

As for the driving, if you can, meet with her doctor (without her there). Explain your concerns. If the doctor agrees that she needs an assessment, then bring her in...there is a chance that the doctor can make a case for her driver's license to be revoked. If not having a license won't stop her from driving, take the battery out of her car, and replace it with a note explaining WHY the battery was removed from her car (so that if someone tries to replace it for her, they'll be up to speed). But, then you say she "hardly drives", so I'm not sure how much of a concern this is.

At the end of the day, unless you are willing to supervise her (or get someone else to supervise her) around the clock, there is nothing permanent you can do.

REDVAN · 03-08-2010, 09:36 AM

You have just described about 90% of all people over age 70 who have family members. Can't help them, but you feel like you have to.

Of course, when you try to help, you "don't know what you're talking about" or "when I was your age..." or "get your hands off me you damn dirty ape"

Russic · 03-08-2010, 09:44 AM

My grandma is currently in the same boat. My parents built their house so that it would be accommodating to somebody with decreased mobility (giant shower in a room on the main floor etc.), but my grandmother refuses to move in. Now I completely see her point ... her friends live in her town and she likes her routine. Problem is she falls about once a month and cannot move. Hell, last weekend she sat in a chair for an entire day because she couldn't get out of it.

Personally I don't understand the logic. If something like taking a bath or getting a glass of water could render me completely immobile for an entire day I would live in a constant state of terror. I suppose some things are more important to people and perhaps my views will change when I'm older.

At least she lives in a small town so there is less chance of her mistaking the brake for the gas and taking out a market or something.

Cowperson · 03-08-2010, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinner

How the heck do you slow down a stubborn mid 70's parent before they crash their car or fall down the stairs

Stubborn would be an understatement, impossible would be a better word.

She gets dizzy/loses her balance regularly, tried to get this diagnosed without luck...

I believe she "self medicates" ie, takes meds when she thinks she needs to, (one of these or two of these etc.)

Yeah I know, as I wrote that I realize that needs to be controlled first... but how, raid the house and steal her drugs ?

How can you control what she takes, she's too active as well, volunteering for the church etc.

Outsiders don't realize how bad off she is so they let her do things she shouldn't be doing.

Once again, I'm afraid she will take a bad fall or crash her car, she lives in an ultra small town and hardly drives.

If we could slow her down it would help alot.

"Slowing down" would be an admission to herself of her advancing frailty, that there is no upside at her age, only the continued surrendering of more and more priviledges younger people like yourself take for granted.

My experience is that this predicament is commonly met first by anger and a greater determination to continue on in the face of the obvious.

At some point, acceptance may finally arrive.

Moving from a lifelong residence into assisted care is essentially the same thing.

I guess I would suggest looking at it from her point of view. Freedom/privacy isn't an easy thing to give up.

And she knows that once she does give it up, it's permanent. There is likely no going back.

This is a very difficult moment in anyone's life. She was as young or younger than yourself at one point, with all the same vitality.

She'll get to the acceptance part eventually. Probably. You might need more patience than you've got to help her get to those decisions. Sometimes those decisions might have to be made for them. Hopefully it's not the latter.

Cowperson

8sPOT · 03-08-2010, 10:09 AM

You need to be empathetic. Imagine you've been an independant adult since the 1950's and now people are trying to tell you what you can and can't do.

I really believe that seniors should be allowed to live their life on their terms, they've paid their dues. They come from a time where you worked hard and kept your mouth shut.

Too often I read about how a senior was abused or taken advantage of and to me they are as innocent as a child. As long as you are always there for support and companionship, I say allow them to live their final years however they please.

CaptainCrunch · 03-08-2010, 10:12 AM

Feel fortunate that you have an elderly parent thats still active. I feel fortunate because my dad is 80 and my mom is 77, they're both hideously active for older people, they walk every day, their driving is good. Sometimes I think they drink a touch too much, but they're at that age where it dosen't really matter anymore.

On the medication front, they were in a major accident a few years ago where my moms hip was basically shattered, but she's bounced back pretty well from it, but talking to my old man its really starting to bug her and she's starting to take pain pills, which concerns me a bit.

The driving thing is always scary, because they're old and a little slower, but I just keep an eye on it, and have a pair of senior bus passes available.

Huntingwhale · 03-08-2010, 10:13 AM

REDVAN · 03-08-2010, 10:23 AM

As long as they stay off the road, or at least stay in the right lane, I have no problem with anything old people do....

But for the seriousness of this topic:

It's tough to see a loved one degrade with age. It's tougher for them. One thing I'd recomend is to have a chat with them, but be very careful. Elders don't like to hear advice from people they raised. It's tough for the parent to accept help from their child, no matter how old they get and no matter what experience their child has.

I had some luck with my grandpa, but my dad could just never get through to him.

habernac · 03-08-2010, 10:36 AM

Just be happy that they're active. My inlaws will be driving me nuts as they get older. They have no friends, no life, no other grandchildren.

burning_acid1 · 03-08-2010, 11:01 AM

Educating them about the long-term effects of aging may help.

Dentoman · 03-08-2010, 11:34 AM

Speaking as someone who lost his father and father-in-law when they were in their mid 70's and now has a mother-in-law and mother in their early 80's .... let them live their lives. As long as they are not endangering others with their driving and have reasonable mental acuity, let them do what they want. For a lot of seniors, what they really value is their independence and freedom to make their own decisions (right or wrong). They would rather live out their life on their own terms than have stuff dictated to them.

Pinner · 03-08-2010, 11:35 AM

Well thanks everyone for your advice, it truly is hard to deal with, she is impossible. Old school German, yikes!

I agree being active is good, but with her dizziness a fall is inevitable and I'm afraid a fall would be the end of her independence and the beginning of her demise... I see that as a real threat but she doesn't seem to.

Thanks again people.

Pinner · 03-08-2010, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dentoman

For a lot of seniors, what they really value is their independence and freedom to make their own decisions (right or wrong).

Substitute seniors with teenagers

Shazam · 03-08-2010, 11:49 AM

All I know is that when I get old, I want everything done for me, preferably by hot female nurses.

troutman · 03-08-2010, 11:49 AM

Is there a Power of Attorney and Personal Directive in place?

Dentoman · 03-08-2010, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinner

Substitute seniors with teenagers

But teenagers haven't earned it

Pinner · 03-08-2010, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by troutman

Is there a Power of Attorney and Personal Directive in place?

I guess it is time to look at this, educate myself, feel free to expand on this.

troutman · 03-08-2010, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinner

I guess it is time to look at this, educate myself, feel free to expand on this.

While she is still competent, your mother should appoint someone to help her with her financial affairs if she is later unable to take care of herself (power of attorney), and appoint someone to make her personal and medical decisions (personal directive). Without these appointments, you will have to apply to court to become her trustee/guardian.

Both documents can be set-up to say that they will only get activated on her incapacity.

http://www.seniors.gov.ab.ca/opg/personaldirectives/

http://www.seniors.alberta.ca/opg/pe...ves/faq.asp#03

A personal directive is a legal document where you can write out your instructions and/or possibly name an individual—an agent—to decide on personal matters if, due to injury or illness, you are no longer able to make personal choices. A personal directive deals with personal matters, such as where you live and the medical treatment you will receive.

Enduring Power of Attorney deals with financial matters. An Enduring Power of Attorney is a legal document in which a donor (the person who writes the power of attorney) appoints an attorney (the person authorized to make decisions on behalf of a donor). An Enduring Power of Attorney is a Power of Attorney that contains a clause stating that the authority of the attorney is in effect after a donor suffers a loss of capacity.

flamesfever · 03-08-2010, 01:04 PM

I don't think a person in their mid 70's is all that old these days. I know many people in their mid 80's that are leading very active and productive lives.

I believe that dizziness is one of the most common ailments in the elderly. You may want to encourage her to use a cane. I would also suggest getting her a medical alert device which she can press to alert someone in case of emergency.

As for driving, the fact she is in a small town and doesn't drive that often should reduce the risk. Also I believe there are certain driving and medical tests that are manditory at certain ages to retain the licence to drive. My uncle drove until his 92nd birthday.

I certainly wouldn't try to interfere with her volunteering at church. In my experience the church community tend to look our for and support elderly members who are experiencing problems.

You sound like a very caring son, however because of our tendency to want to take responsibility for others, we can sometimes be more a part of the problem than the solution. I agree with others who suggest "really listening to her" and encouraging her, as much as possible, to take responsibilty for her own situation.

The only person you can "control" is yourself.