Help - friend with depression / suicide (?)

[Cowperson]

Originally Posted by Phanuthier

Events leading up to this ... well, close to finishing a masters degree and so far as I can tell, this is his first real perspective as a "full time job" - is he scared about this big transition in his life? .

In his early to mid-30's facing his first "full-time job/career situation?"

Sounds like a professional student. That combination of age and never having been truly out in life suggests some issues right there, hiding within academia.

I knew a guy once who'd get close to graduating then drop out of what he was doing, then enroll in something else. He was in his late 20's by then and very smart, clearly capable but had never finished anything. I never knew what eventually happened to him but that seemed strange.

Cowperson

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by Cowperson

Sounds like a professional student. That combination of age and never having been truly out in life suggests some issues right there, hiding within academia.

Yeah, pretty much. He has a very ideallistic view on life. i don't want to bash the guy, but in his mid-late 30's, this is pretty much his first job. After finishing his BSc 10 years ago, he wanted to develop software available to people for free - sort of like starting your own business, except you don't make any money. I guess after a few years, he found out if he didn't make any money, he wouldn't make any money.

[AvsJerk]

I would contact the parents again and try for some more information. The assumption is that he is suicidal, but maybe the trip to Alabama led to or is a cover for legal troubles, or as others have suggested...rehab. I'd be careful about getting involved until you either get more info from the family or his place of employement, or he contacts you.

If you think he is suicidal, the local police dept. will do a welfare check...but this could cause problems between you and your friend if he's smoking a bowl when the PD stops by unannounced.

At the risk of seeming like a stalker, maybe swing by his house a couple of times and see if his car is moving on a daily basis or if he's just holing up.

If you do get a chance to talk to him, proceed with caution...be careful of telling him that you "Know how he feels" or "Things will get better" because unless you have gone through what he has, you don't know how he feels and it can come off as condescending or trivial.

Sounds like your a good friend and I hope it works out for you. Strange situation.

[Peanut]

The only thing that makes me say "go see him" is that your instinct seems to be (or at least it *seems* like your instinct as it's coming through your written posts) that something is wrong and he may need your help.

If it was me, I'd trust my instincts.

Hope it all works out!!

[Phanuthier]

Ok I went to go see him, the owner of the house he's renting said he hasn't been home since Dec 27 2009 and he hasn't paid January rent. I left my name, number and email and told him to let me know if he finds anything.

bizzaro

The landlord asked for the family number/email (to move P's stuff), and I guess its up to P's parents to decide what to do. Its out of my hands now I guess.

Thanks everyone for your input, very much appreciated again.

[BlackArcher101]

Very strange. Hopefully he's safe wherever he is.

[FireFly]

I would confront the parents with this information and ask what is going on and advise that you'll get the police involved if you don't get satisfactory answers.

Now you've got me all concerned.

[HOOT]

Originally Posted by Phanuthier

should I go visit him, or will that push him into a shell farther?

Go visit him and be there for him during this tough time. I actually just lost a friend to suicide tonight and it makes you wonder if maybe you just saw them that one last time things would have been different. He was just over at my house for Christmas dinner, got a new job, and life was looking up. His past is, well, questionable at best because of some bad decisions and cost himself everything. But after 3-4 years of getting things back on track you would have thought this would have been the last time he would have done this. This came as a complete shock and I'm even having a hard time typing this out right now but try and help your friend. All you can do is try if he doesn't want your help that is another thing but be his friend and get him to open up, maybe that could be the difference. Just try.

edit: I only read the first post before replying, I am seeing things have changed a bit.

[Phanuthier]

Damn that sucks HOOT. I'm really sorry to hear that. Best wishes.

[Flamesoholic]

Wow Hoot that's really horrible, I'm sorry for your loss.

[HOOT]

Thanks guys! It's been tough so far and still hard to believe. I was sitting on my computer last night and my motion lights went on in my backyard and I thought for sure it was going to be him and this was just a bad trick.....no luck I've never had someone close to me do something like this and my emotions are on a roller coaster and I'm not sure if I'm more sad or mad at him for being so selfish. Anyways I hope your friend sorts out his issues and you don't have to go through anything like this. And anyone who is ever thinking this is the best or only way to fix your problems it is not! The people that love you are only hurt more no matter what your problem may be whether it is money, job, relationship, etc. Just ask for help the people that will miss you in the end will do anything to help you, I promise!

[Aeneas]

Sorry for you Hoot, and Phanuthier I would suggest you do everything in your power to help him. Maybe there is nothing wrong, maybe it will cause a rift or embarrassment but that's better than death.

This could be a cry for help and if he considers you his best friend he may really need you. Maybe his family is just not there for him. depression is a terrible thing to deal with first hand. Like Hoot, unfortunately the same thing just happened to my wife and I.

Last night a very close family relation called to say goodbye. Said he would kill himself after he hung up. My wife spent 35 devastating minutes on the phone trying to convince him he had a reason to live.

He has the two most beautiful grandchildren and loved the time he spent with them.
I saw first hand the twinkle in his eye and heard his laughter when he visited them this Christmas. He just couldn't shake the depths of his depression. He saw no reason to live.

I just had to explain to my 5 year old daughter that she would never see grandpa again. Son's asleep, grandma's got my daughter, my wife is doing the phone calls. I am on CP.

I know from experience on CP that some would call him a coward or selfish. Of these things he was no more than any other human. He was suffering great pain both physical and mental. Do I wish he didn't do it? Am I glad he is not in pain anymore? Could we have done more? These are the questions that will likely spend the night with me again tonight.

[Phanuthier]

Thanks for the reply Anus. (Ha ha ok not meant as an insult, I just always wanted to say that.)

Sorry to hear about you're situation. I've actually been there same situation, and I was able to salvage the situation. I've also had friends commit suicide as well, though I guess many people have - really confusing for those leftover which really sucks. Depression sucks, I had a brief spell of it a while back and its amazing how difficult it is when you get so low. Life's such a beautiful thing, everyone has their story, everyone has their accomplishments and everyone has their things they care about. Sucks when it all comes down to this. I won't go into the selfish thing (different thread, already talked about)... depression sucks, being the leftovers of suicide really sucks too.

I certainly understand depression, but I have now pretty much exhausted all options. I'll contacted his work (hasn't been to work in a month), his housemate/landlord (hasn't been there in a month), his brother (hasn't contacted him in over a month) and his parents, the last person to see him (2 weeks ago) is apparently getting annoyed with these phone calls and isn't sharing any info. His landlord/renter let me go through his room, and I looked for any sort of evidence for anything - nothing. I've left my phone number with each individual party and said to call me if anything comes up, or if I can help in any way. I've fired him a few emails, inviting him to just social get togethers, and other emails just asking whats up and if he wants to get together for a beer. He has now stopped coming online (he was online, but never responded - maybe auto-login for his phone?) this briefly after he came online on another account; but I'm usually out of the house for half the day; so I'm not sure if we're talking about rehab or if he's already gone off and committed suicide.

I have no idea where the guy is, I wonder where he is even staying since its not with the place he's renting, any family or any friends (if he's still alive). The only thing left is to file a missing persons report with the police, but I'd really rather his parents do it since they have more information and I feel like its something I shouldn't be getting too involved in. I'm here if I needed, and offered to do whatever I can anyone around P. I guess I'll just see what goes from there.

Thanks for all the advice from everyone though, all replies are appreciated and some really valuable stuff in here.

[Aeneas]

[quote=Phanuthier;2281631]Thanks for the reply Anus. (Ha ha ok not meant as an insult, I just always wanted to say that.)
No insult taken. Seems half of CPers I've met seem to think I meant my username to be anus, and not the dardanian prince of legend.

It really seems you've done everything you can. Life is worth the effort. In our case there was nothing we could say or do to change the result.

In hindsight we are very appreciative of the last phone call. As horrible as it was for my wife at the time, we feel it was better than the alternative.

An odd aside, from someone who's never had to deal with violent death in such a close manner. I assumed the authorities would call someone to do the cleanup. Thought it might be automatic. They let my mother in law back in the house, alone, with all but the body itself still there. They did provide a contact number.

Also he left a stack of important papers (will, etc.) with a letter for his wife. The poice took all this too. Now they want to do an autopsy. I'm not from CSI Miami, but the cause of death is pretty clear. They took the papers to investigate what?

I am a little bitter because i am the one that called the police and they were at his house at 2000. (He is in Edm, me in CGY). They told me they saw movement at 2130. They did not enter the house until 0100 to find him dead. I understand they need to be careful. I get it really. Just seems like they are working pretty hard after, and maybe too slow before.

I better stop. Nothing changes the end result, and I don't want to sound anti - police.

[troutman]

[quote=Aeneas;2281683]

Originally Posted by Phanuthier

Thanks for the reply Anus. (Ha ha ok not meant as an insult, I just always wanted to say that.)
No insult taken. Seems half of CPers I've met seem to think I meant my username to be anus, and not the dardanian prince of legend.

It really seems you've done everything you can. Life is worth the effort. In our case there was nothing we could say or do to change the result.

In hindsight we are very appreciative of the last phone call. As horrible as it was for my wife at the time, we feel it was better than the alternative.

An odd aside, from someone who's never had to deal with violent death in such a close manner. I assumed the authorities would call someone to do the cleanup. Thought it might be automatic. They let my mother in law back in the house, alone, with all but the body itself still there. They did provide a contact number.

Also he left a stack of important papers (will, etc.) with a letter for his wife. The poice took all this too. Now they want to do an autopsy. I'm not from CSI Miami, but the cause of death is pretty clear. They took the papers to investigate what?

I am a little bitter because i am the one that called the police and they were at his house at 2000. (He is in Edm, me in CGY). They told me they saw movement at 2130. They did not enter the house until 0100 to find him dead. I understand they need to be careful. I get it really. Just seems like they are working pretty hard after, and maybe too slow before.

I better stop. Nothing changes the end result, and I don't want to sound anti - police.

I had a case where the client had to hire Serv-Pro to clean the garage where it happened. It was an awful mess.

I suppose they want to do an autopsy to see if he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol; confirm the cause of death. Not sure why they need to see his papers - maybe to confirm it was a suicide, and that no one else is at risk.

[Aeneas]

[quote=troutman;2281857]

Originally Posted by Aeneas

I had a case where the client had to hire Serv-Pro to clean the garage where it happened. It was an awful mess.

I suppose they want to do an autopsy to see if he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol; confirm the cause of death. Not sure why they need to see his papers - maybe to confirm it was a suicide, and that no one else is at risk.

Two family members (not his wife or daughter) came and did the cleanup.
Maybe no autopsy now says ass. ME (or some such title) this AM.

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by Aeneas

It really seems you've done everything you can. Life is worth the effort. In our case there was nothing we could say or do to change the result.

In hindsight we are very appreciative of the last phone call. As horrible as it was for my wife at the time, we feel it was better than the alternative.

I would certainly say a last call to know that it happened would be great to have. As hard as those 35 min are, you are able to get some closure and say any last words that need to be said. Its probably tough to comprehend now, but later I think it will help you get some closure. Those that just commit suicide without anyone knowing, or just leaving a letter, leaves a lot of questions up in the air that, for those s/he left behind, can be real tough to get over and take a long time.

[mac_82]

Mental health can be very complicated and very tough to diagnose. My parent's god son was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now all of his up and down behaviour over the last couple years is starting to make sense. He is only 21. Good luck with helping your friend, and never be afraid to ask for too much help.