Living together before marriage

[rubecube]

Thought I'd start a discussion based around something I've been dealing with these last couple of days. I'll give a little backstory first.

My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two years. We've lived together for at least a year and a half. Her mom is agnostic, but her dad is Portuguese and a fairly staunch Catholic. I say fairly staunch because he doesn't really seem to push his veiws on people (i.e. no grace at dinner, etc.) but he does attend church and seems to hold Catholic beliefs.

I don't believe in marriage, and I have made it clear to my girlfriend that it's not a priority for me to ever get married. She's fine with that but apparently her dad isn't.

My girlfriend and I are moving at the end of the month. Due to some unfortunate legislation in the tenancy act, we have be out of our current place on the 30th, but can't move into the new place until the 1st. I also can't get the 30th off from work, so our plan was to move all of our stuff out on Saturday, clean the place, then sleep at her parents' place for three days.

Apparently this was fine according to her mom, but her dad has now said that we can only stay there if I sleep on the couch and my girlfriend sleeps in a different room. Now keep in mind, when we were living in Calgary, we visited them and were permitted to sleep in the same bed (apparently against her dad's wishes). According to her dad, it's against his religion for us to sleep in the same bed. Of course I'm hearing all of this second-hand, since he tends to give my girlfriend and her mom crap about this but doesn't have the stones to approach me.

I've basically told them to stuff it and booked a hotel room for me and my girlfriend to stay in. Am I right to be completely offended by this? We've been in a committed relationship for two years, I've treated her, her family, and especially him with utmost respect. I should also mention that we're both 23 and have full-time jobs.

Can some of the other parents on here tell me what their position on something like this would be? Am I out of line for being bent? Does he any kind of leg stand on, especially when he lets her younger brother (who lives in the basement) have girls sleep over?

[ResAlien]

Meh, his house his rules. I'd say save the money, crash on the couch for 3 days and then forget it.

[Ice]

Maybe she's mentioned to her dad that you don't intend on ever marrying his daughter. Maybe he was OK with you sharing a bed when he thought you'd be marrying her sometime in the future. The thing is, if her dad has a problem with it in his house, you should just accept it. If you intend on having a long term relationship with your girlfriend, her parents are part of the package. I can see you're disappointed in this turn of events, but I don't quite understand why you'd be offended. If it were me, I'd sleep on the couch for a couple of days and show that you respect the wishes of your girlfriend's father even if you disagree with his views. This won't be the first or last thing you don't see eye to eye on, believe me. Is the potential negative affect on your relationship with her parents worth getting your way? Only you can decide that.

[Dion]

I'm with the ResAlien. Swallow your pride and keep your money in the wallet.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by ResAlien

Meh, his house his rules. I'd say save the money, crash on the couch for 3 days and then forget it.

Man, I thought your response was going to be more along the lines of "drag him outside, then burn his house down."

[bigtmac19]

I agree with Res on this. Their house their rules, fair or not.

[Pastiche]

Originally Posted by ResAlien

Meh, his house his rules. I'd say save the money, crash on the couch for 3 days and then forget it.

What this guy said. His house, his rules.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Ice

Maybe she's mentioned to her dad that you don't intend on ever marrying his daughter. Maybe he was OK with you sharing a bed when he thought you'd be marrying her sometime in the future. The thing is, if her dad has a problem with it in his house, you should just accept it. If you intend on having a long term relationship with your girlfriend, her parents are part of the package. I can see you're disappointed in this turn of events, but I don't quite understand why you'd be offended.

No, she hasn't shared that info with him. He also has a problem with us living together and he's constantly trying to meddle in our lives and tell us what to do. I'm offended because he's basically telling us that our relationship doesn't mean jack unless it has a silly piece of paper attached to it. Do you think he'd be offended if the situation were reversed with him visiting us and me telling him he couldn't sleep in the same bed as his wife?

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Pastiche

What this guy said. His house, his rules.

Which is why I'm basically saying screw your house and your rules. I'm not short on cash, I can afford the hotel. If he doesn't recognize that his daughter and I are in a committed relationship, then I personally don't need the hassle of putting up with him. She's on the verge of cutting him out of her life because he's such a control freak and is constantly pulling crap like this.

[rubecube]

I should clarify that I'm not asking whether he has the right to do this, when clearly he does. I'm just asking if you would run a similar policy if it were your house. Does this seem outdated and petty?

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by rubecube

No, she hasn't shared that info with him. He also has a problem with us living together and he's constantly trying to meddle in our lives and tell us what to do. I'm offended because he's basically telling us that our relationship doesn't mean jack unless it has a silly piece of paper attached to it. Do you think he'd be offended if the situation were reversed with him visiting us and me telling him he couldn't sleep in the same bed as his wife?

I think he might be offended because you would be doing it purely out of spite. Not many belief systems subscribe to married couples not sleeping in the same bed.

[octothorp]

I get the feeling from your post that it's more the issue of respect than that you actually want to cuddle with your girl, am I right? If you want to continue in the relationship long-term (continue to live with her but not get married), you're going to need to resolve that tension with her father. And fathers are always going to be more protective of their daughter than their son, so his allowing his own son to have girls over doesn't really have any bearing here. I'd actually go along with his rules, as a demonstration that your relationship with her isn't just about sleeping together; it's not going to make him change his mind about you, but if you refuse and stay in a hotel, it's only drawing attention to the sexual nature of your relationship with his daughter, and he's not likely to forget that soon.

Neither my parents nor my wife's allowed us to sleep in the same bed when visiting before we were married, and while it annoyed me that my parents had that approach, I'd never challenge her parents over it. My parents are protestant and hers are agnostic, but I don't really think it has much to do with religion.

[CaptainCrunch]

bottom line, it probably came out that you don't want to marry his daughter and this guy is old school, also alarm bells go off with any father when they hear that, because daddy wants his little girl to be taken care of.

I think in this case you have to respect his wishes in his own house, and if that means the couch that means the couch.

I also think you need to pull daddy off to the side and have a chat with him to make sure that he doesn't have a resentment wall building up against you.

funny story, when I was growing up, I got away with sleeping with girls all the time, my old man would basically be throwing rubbers at me when I walked out the door to go on dates.

When I decided to move in with a girlfriend both of my parents were upset with me about it, they felt that living with someone pre marriage was just something that shouldn't be done. I caught a lot of grief about that for a long time, they were very accepting of the girl and always treated her as one of the family, but when my dad and me went off to the side the question was always about the living arrangement and when I was going to settle down and marry her.

[ma-skis.com]

Originally Posted by rubecube

No, she hasn't shared that info with him. He also has a problem with us living together and he's constantly trying to meddle in our lives and tell us what to do. I'm offended because he's basically telling us that our relationship doesn't mean jack unless it has a silly piece of paper attached to it. Do you think he'd be offended if the situation were reversed with him visiting us and me telling him he couldn't sleep in the same bed as his wife?

it's not the same, you didn't raise his wife from when she was a tiny baby and love and care for her her whole life. He's the dad, show him respect in his house and when you have kids, hopefully the guy who's banging your daughter will show you some as well.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by octothorp

I get the feeling from your post that it's more the issue of respect than that you actually want to cuddle with your girl, am I right? If you want to continue in the relationship long-term (continue to live with her but not get married), you're going to need to resolve that tension with her father. And fathers are always going to be more protective of their daughter than their son, so his allowing his own son to have girls over doesn't really have any bearing here. I'd actually go along with his rules, as a demonstration that your relationship with her isn't just about sleeping together; it's not going to make him change his mind about you, but if you refuse and stay in a hotel, it's only drawing attention to the sexual nature of your relationship with his daughter, and he's not likely to forget that soon.

Neither my parents nor my wife's allowed us to sleep in the same bed when visiting before we were married, and while it annoyed me that my parents had that approach, I'd never challenge her parents over it. My parents are protestant and hers are agnostic, but I don't really think it has much to do with religion.

Yeah, but the sneaking around thing is just totally awesome.

Nothing like sneaking into the room that she grew up in and totally hammering her in the single bed.

[Locke]

When you get to the Hotel, poor beer on your GF, then she'll go home and you can have a Hooker and Blow party in the Hotel Room all Team USA stylezz!!

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by octothorp

I get the feeling from your post that it's more the issue of respect than that you actually want to cuddle with your girl, am I right?

Exactly. My feeling is that he doesn't respect our relationship. He's demonstrated this towards my girlfriend on numerous occasions (always when I'm not around), and this is his way of showing me who's boss.

If you want to continue in the relationship long-term (continue to live with her but not get married), you're going to need to resolve that tension with her father.

My girlfriend has asked me not to get into it with him because he's got a bad temper, but I'm almost there anyways.

And fathers are always going to be more protective of their daughter than their son, so his allowing his own son to have girls over doesn't really have any bearing here. I'd actually go along with his rules, as a demonstration that your relationship with her isn't just about sleeping together; it's not going to make him change his mind about you, but if you refuse and stay in a hotel, it's only drawing attention to the sexual nature of your relationship with his daughter, and he's not likely to forget that soon.

That's not what I'm trying to demonstrate. I'm trying to demonstrate that it's our relationship and he should quit trying to control it. And the issue with her brother is still a double-standard, no matter the reasoning behind it.

Neither my parents nor my wife's allowed us to sleep in the same bed when visiting before we were married, and while it annoyed me that my parents had that approach, I'd never challenge her parents over it. My parents are protestant and hers are agnostic, but I don't really think it has much to do with religion.

See, both of my parents are fine with us sleeping in the same bed at their places. My mom is religious and told me it wasn't okay in the beginning of our relationship (before we lived together) but that it's clear that we're committed to each other and she's prepared to honour that when we stay with her.

[GrrlGoalie33]

I had this same issue with my father in law. It has to do with core beliefs. While it may still seem a bit outdated, go with the flow.

When we were attending an event at his place that required us to stay overnight, we'd simply take our RV with us.

Bottom line, if you want to add fuel to whatever it is that is going on, go stay at a hotel. If you plan on being with this girl forever, suck it up and spend the three nights on the couch.

Pissing off your in-laws is never a great way to live.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Locke

When you get to the Hotel, pour vodka/red bull on your GF, then she'll go home and you can have a Hooker and Blow party in the Hotel Room all Team USA stylezz!!

Fixed.

[ResAlien]

Originally Posted by rubecube

I should clarify that I'm not asking whether he has the right to do this, when clearly he does. I'm just asking if you would run a similar policy if it were your house. Does this seem outdated and petty?

I would. I'm a dad, of course my little one is only 5, but when the time comes yeah, I'd be the same way. He's not naive, he knows you're bumping uglies living together, but I'm guessing his attitude is something along the lines of "Well, not in my house when I'm home." And it's his little girl. The son having girls over is irrelevant. Hell, he's probably proud of that. But his little girl? Not going to happen.

Or you could drag him outside, burn his house down and save only the couch. Your call.