The... we need a joke thread (Many NSFW)

[Maritime Q-Scout]

A Torontonian went to St John's on vacation. When he was there he understandably got a little tipsy. While walking to the bathroom he passed this small Newfie at the end of the bar, and as he did he punched him. The Newfie fell off his bar stool and said "What the hell man?!?" The Torontonian replied "hahahaha, that's a Karate Chop from China!"

A little while later the Torontonian had to go back to the bathroom and as he passed by the Newfie at the end of the bar, he once again punched him knocking him off the bar. The Newfie said "what the hell man!?!" The Torontonian once again replied "hahaha that's a Judo Chop from Japan!"

As the night drew on the Torontonian once again on his way to the bathroom punches the Newfie. When the Newfie gets up the Torontonian says "hahaha that's a Tae-Kwon-Do Takedown from Taiwan"

At this point the Newfie doesn't say a work, just gets up and leaves the bar. As the bar closed and everyone is filling out the Torontonian passed by an alley where the little Newfie jumped out and clocked him with a blunt object. The Torontonian's friends in shock look up and the little Newfie says "when he wakes up tell him that was a Hockey Stick from Canadian Tire!"

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What's do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

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What's the difference between a lawyer and steaming bucket of manure?

The bucket

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Why do recently married men always spin their wedding ring?

They're desperately trying to solve the combination!


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You, A Haligonian, A Cape Bretoner, and a Newf walk into a bar

There isn't really a punchline but I guarantee you'll have a drunkenly hilarious time!

[Dion]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[brownie]

Although the odds are stacked against him, Theoren Fleury is hoping for a return to the National Hockey League.

The 41-year-old has been working out with a personal trainer and skating in Calgary in an attempt to get back into game shape and land an invite to training camp.

"If I get to play, period - I don't care where it is. I just want to play," Fleury said on Monday.

"The end goal is to someday, some how, some way get back."

[jydk]

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'

[Zevo]

A Preist and a Rabbi are walking down the street when a ten year old boy walks by.
The Preist turns to the Rabbi and says, "Hey I've got an idea, lets screw him."
"Out of what?" asks the Rabbi.


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What do call 200 white guys chasing a black guy?

Golf

[czure32]

Id type this out, but its far more amusing when done as a flash animation

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

[StoneCole]

Okay:

Three second graders, one white, one black, one asian, are hanging out at recess. One of them says "I heard my sister and her friends talking and they said black boys have the biggest weiners". The boys decide to compare 'weiners'. Each takes turns pulling down their pants, and sure enough, the black boy has the biggest weiner.

At home that night, young Jamal's mother asks him about his day, and he remarks that he and Yao and Tom compared weiners: "and mine was the biggest mommy...is it because I'm black?" To which his mom responds: "no son, it's because you're 17."

[Zevo]

One day in school, little Johnny's teacher writes a bunch of big words on the blackboard and asked the kids if they can use one in a sentence.

Little Johnny puts up his hand and says, " I think I can use 'contagious' in a sentence."

Impressed, the teacher replies, "O.k. Johnny go ahead."

"One day last week, my dad was watching my mom trying to parallel park the car, and he said 'it's gonna take that contagious to park that f---ing thing.' "

[Jason14h]

Why Doesn't Jesus play hockey?

Cause he's always getting nailed into the boards

[jydk]

Two Sausages are frying in a pan, one of the sausages looks to the other and says:
"Boy is it hot in here!"

The other sausage looks back and says:
"Oh my god........a talking sausage?"

[jydk]

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any duck food?"
The clerk replies "No, we don't have any duck food!"
Next day, the duck walks into the store, and again asks the clerk, "Do you have any duck food?"
The clerk, getting a little agitated, replies, "No, we don't shelve any duck food here."
Next day the duck walks back into the store and once again asks, "Do you have any duck food?"
The clerk, now right mad, says "Listen Duck, we don't have duck food, we didn't have it yesterday, we don't have it today, and we won't have any tomorrow, and we will never have any duck food! If you come in here one more time asking for duck food I am going to nail your feet to the floor!"
Next day, duck walks into the store, asks the clerk, "Do you have any nails?"
Clerk, baffled a bit, says "No nails"
Duck says, "Do you have any duck food?"

[jydk]

Two Canuck fans steal a truck and drive it off a cliff. Why is this a tragedy?

The truck could have seated four!

[Maritime Q-Scout]

A polar bear walks into a bar, and sits down on one of the bar stools.

The bartender walks up to the polar bear and says "What'll it be?"

The polar bear goes "I'll have a . . . . . . . . . . . beer please"

The bartender replies "certainly, one beer coming up. But I have to ask, why the big pause?"

The polar bear looks at his hands and says "I dunno, they've always been this size"

[T@T]

A Canadian is drinking in a Dallas bar…. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, “That’s about average up North, folks. Like I said,my boy’s a typical Canadian baby boy.”

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of “WOW!”were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says Say,you’re the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been makin’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. We were gonna call you… so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled & concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25pounds the day he was born.”

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

[GreatWhiteEbola]

What's the worst thing about being an electrician?

Telling your parents your gay. Sorry if it has already been added.

[Dion]

Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies
that will merge. Here are my merger predictions.

1. Hale Business Systems

Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and
become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records

Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly,
Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and will not be called MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing

Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

[Dion]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females...

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

[Dion]

Did you hear about the one-legged ballerina?

She had to wear a one-one

Do you know what they called her?

Eileen
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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
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Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?

She was strapped for cash.
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[kermitology]

Originally Posted by GreatWhiteEbola

What's the worst thing about being an electrician?

Telling your parents your gay. Sorry if it has already been added.

What? I don't get this..

[Bill Bumface]

^ He clearly spelled "rollerblader" wrong.