08-08-2009, 06:56 PM
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#81
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Lifetime In Suspension
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A wife is cheating on her husband with a neighbourhood man when her husband unexpectedly arrives home early.
"Oh crap, here!" The wife says, throwing flour all over the sweaty man who just hopped off her. "Stand in the corner and don't move, trust me."
The husband walks in "What is that thing?" he asks.
"Oh," the wife replies, "it's a new statue. I saw one like it at the Johnston's house last week and just had to get one."
The husband thinks nothing of it and the day continues as normal.
That evening, while him and his wife are watching TV, she falls asleep on the couch. He goes into the kitchen, and goes up to the bedroom.
When he gets there, he walks straight up to the statue.
"Here, have a sandwich. I had to stand like that at the Johnston's for 3 days and nobody gave me a damn thing."
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3 Justin 3,
4X4,
ClubFlames,
nemanja2306,
OilersBaby,
Peanut,
Phanuthier,
Resolute 14,
starseed,
SteveToms,
Stranger,
The Fonz
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08-08-2009, 06:57 PM
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#82
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Powerplay Quarterback
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An old Nestor Pistor joke:
One day I was swimming in the local pool. The life guard comes up to me and says "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
I said "But, why?"
He said "I saw you peeing in the pool."
I said "But everyone pees in the pool!"
The lifeguard replies "Yeah I know, but not off the high diving board."
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08-09-2009, 01:52 PM
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#83
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Lifetime In Suspension
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What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
You don't cry when you chop up the dead hooker.
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08-09-2009, 02:04 PM
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#84
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Ben
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: God's Country (aka Cape Breton Island)
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The Edmonton Oilers
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The Vancouver Canucks
__________________
"Calgary Flames is the best team in all the land" - My Brainwashed Son
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08-09-2009, 02:08 PM
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#85
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First Line Centre
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Maritime, we were all having a good time until you posted those tasteless and disgusting jokes. Now the mods are probably going to have to step in a close the thread.
Thanks. 
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08-09-2009, 05:19 PM
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#86
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Scoring Winger
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
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08-09-2009, 05:26 PM
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#87
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Franchise Player
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Section 222
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What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand?
You can't gargle sand.
__________________
Go Flames Go!!
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08-09-2009, 05:30 PM
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#88
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Scoring Winger
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
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08-09-2009, 05:37 PM
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#89
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First Line Centre
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Wherever the cooler is.
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Oh Rhettsky, that's absolutely disgusting. But oh god did I laugh!
__________________
Let's get drunk and do philosophy.
If you took a burger off the grill and slapped it on your face, I'm pretty sure it would burn you. - kermitology
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08-09-2009, 08:23 PM
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#90
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Uncle Chester
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhettzky
What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand?
You can't gargle sand.
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Aaaaaand there it is 4x4.
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08-09-2009, 09:08 PM
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#91
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Franchise Player
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Blatantly ripped off the Hawks' forum:
What is the difference between Patrick Kane and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
__________________
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. I love power.
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08-09-2009, 11:22 PM
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#92
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Lifetime Suspension
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: SW
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
...NOT! BEING ######ED!!
Last edited by Methanolic; 08-09-2009 at 11:24 PM.
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08-10-2009, 02:55 PM
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#93
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Powerplay Quarterback
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Corpus Christi, Tx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lithium
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
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No really why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's dead.
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08-11-2009, 12:55 AM
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#94
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First Line Centre
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Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
You would too if your name was Aaaorawoughhaao.
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08-11-2009, 01:16 AM
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#95
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Lifetime In Suspension
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This is my "I get to go to hell" joke.
In their later years, Moses and Jesus are walking along the beach. After a few minutes, Moses turns to Jesus...
"Check it out, I've still got it", and with that, Moses slams his staff on the ground, the skies darken and the sea splits in half.
Moses looks at Jesus with a smug bit of satisfaction.
"Oh really?" Jesus replies, "well, watch this, I've still got it too."
And Jesus begins to walk across the water. Just gliding, no problem, at least until he gets about 200M out. All of a sudden, Jesus starts to sink! The waters are thrashing him around, and it's quite obvious he's going to drown.
So of course Moses slams his staff again, parts the waters and retrieves Jesus. He drags him back to dry land, all the while Jesus is hacking up water and generally having a hell of a time.
Jesus looks at Moses, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, I thought I still had it."
Moses replies...
"Don't worry about it, the last time you tried it you didn't have holes in your feet."
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08-11-2009, 01:20 AM
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#96
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One of the Nine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SportsJunky
Aaaaaand there it is 4x4.
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I've never gargled sand.
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08-11-2009, 01:30 AM
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#97
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Not a casual user
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
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Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
__________________
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08-11-2009, 01:31 AM
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#98
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One of the Nine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dion
Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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Sorry, Dion. It's not a joke when it's a genuine question asked by millions of children every Sunday.
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08-11-2009, 08:42 AM
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#99
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Franchise Player
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Section 222
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4X4
I've never gargled sand.
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I don't like this backward implication. 
__________________
Go Flames Go!!
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08-11-2009, 08:48 AM
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#100
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Lifetime Suspension
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: SW
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zevo
why did helen kellers dog run away?
you would too if your name was aaaorawoughhaao.
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awesome!!!!
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